4 stages for parents
TRANSCRIPT
The development of behaviour
Bonny Holland
Behaviour Consultant
VT FourS
4 words
Can you describe using only 4 words what attributes or skills your child will need to enable them to make a successful move to secondary school?
Think about this
How do you go about getting another person to change their behaviour if they are……
• Your partner• Your sibling• Your friend• Your colleague• A stranger• A parent
Learning and Behaviour
Stage 1 The Power Stage
Stage 2 The Reward and Punishment Stage
Stage 3 The Approval Stage
Stage 4 The Self-discipline Stage
STAGE 1
Recalcitrant Behaviour
• Reluctant or refuse to follow verbal directions– Establish routines– Visual instructions
• Few of their own rules and inconsistent• Fear of others’ rules and poor comprehension
– Simple rules– Reinforce rules
STAGE 2
Self-serving behaviours
• What’s in it for me? – Establish understanding of
rewards/punishment
• Responsive to environment– Reinforce ‘What’s in it for me?’– Create lists of statements– Control the environment
STAGE 3
Interpersonal/ discipline
• How can I please you?– Cultivate relationships– Develop an explicit and individual teacher
personality for that class
• Approval seeking behaviours– High approval ratio
STAGE 4
Self-disciplined behaviour
• I behave because it is the right thing to– Discuss values– What are the right things to do?
• I judge other people by their behaviour– Consequences of actions– Teach decision making
The story of John in Dilemma Land
John’s wife unfortunately has a terrible life threatening illness. In the next village the pharmacist attends a Medical Conference and learns of a new cure and is able to source a batch of the drugs at a very reasonable price. He offers John the drugs for £2000, which would be a profit for the pharmacist of £1800.
John does not have any savings and as he is unable to raise the money, he pleads with the pharmacist in vain, and finally in desperation breaks into the pharmacy and steals the drugs. Should the husband have done that?
The stickle-bricks problem
I would like you to build a castle together using these stickle-bricks. You have 20 minutes.
4 Stages
Apply the 4 stages to the ’problem’
Stage 1: It’s simple he should go to prison, end of discussion.
Stage 1: The stickle brick castle????? After 5 minutes…………..
Stage 2:
It’s all about the money £££££ and the range of punishments available and what should be done to whom and for how long.
And meanwhile the stickle brick castle, what would the winner get, is it the tallest or the best that matters?
Stage 3:
The wife, the husband, the pharmacist, their motives, their relationships, other’s opinions of them, your opinion of them as individuals……..
Some of them grouped together and …..excluded others…some worked alone.
Stage 4:
What was the right thing to do? Comparable dilemmas, beyond the details, the good of society, the good of the world, how can we solve this dilemma, is it ever solvable, who makes the decision?
And the castle problem……..a negotiation!
Stage 5:
Ethics, spiritual, God? Perhaps it was time for the wife….
Why a castle why not a church or a supermarket, what’s the purpose of the building and is it right to build it? Stickle bricks are made of plastic and should we be using oil based materials?
Moving on a stage
Experiences-accelerate development
Solving a dilemma/problem-accelerates development
Thinking and discussing the dilemma/problem-more acceleration
Reaching a definite conclusion as a group- long term and deep learning
Relationships
• Manage the relationship not the behaviour
• Build the relationship not resentment
• Create positive attitudes not defensiveness
• Model assertiveness not hostility
Stage 1 Approach language
OK so you’ve noticed something…….but is it worth noticing?
Is it a low level infringement?
Is it medium level?
Is it high level misbehaviour?
Is it impacting on relationships or learning?
Task
In pairs discuss typical low level incidents that you might get that would require the you to respond; select one and describe it.
Stage 1 What to say, what to do?
Make a descriptive statement indicating what exactly it is you’ve noticed
Pause for the…..explanation that this approach will lead to
Questions that begin with ‘Why….’ Statements that illicit a defensive reaction Change to your relationship
Stage 1: Stem sentences
″ You are…
″ I see ….
″ We are….
″ I am….
″ You have…
″ The …..
″ It is….
Think of a stem sentence starter to match your incident
Typical responses
Ignoring
Confirmation and self correction
Secondary defensive behaviours
Avoidance behaviours
Distraction behaviours
Low level verbal abuse
Stage 2: Standards and Rules
″ The rule is….″ That is….″ In this session you need to…..″ In this group…..″ In this situation I expect….″ In this house ….″ When.. children must….″ At home children can ….but …
Stage 2: responses
Explanations, persuasive statements
Dismissive language
Dismissive body language
Attempts to involve others, inclusion
Attempts to blame others, deflection
Stage 3 Correction
Advice giving statementsAllow take up time
You need to….. You can either…or… I can ….for you…if you….. Now you should…..
Stage 3 Consequences
Repeat the advice statementsDescribe the response as you see itSimple consequences possibly a diagram
Child responsesIgnoringVerbal abusePhysical abuse of surroundings
Stage 4
Describe preferred futureDescribe future scenariosRe state advice and choices
Significant disruption to others Refusal or inaction and defiance Serious verbal or physical abuse
Why choose to do it this way?
“Young people with poor sequential auditory memory skills.”
They don’t know what to do 10 seconds after you’ve explained it!
“Young people who have dyspraxic features.”
They know what to do but they fail in the carrying out part which causes them frustration.
Why choose to do it this way?
“Young people who have an unbalanced emotional and cognitive profile.”
They are ‘clever’ but are easily irritated and are impatient with a short attention span.
“There is a significant special need.”
They have have trouble writing anything down and are poor readers.
Why choose to do it this way?
“Young people who have a recognised speech and language impairment.”
They misunderstand and get muddled by further explanations.
“They have with poor language and social skills.”
They can have a bad attitude responding to adults correcting them.
In your world
What situations or events during a day can cause distress, upset, frustration, misunderstanding, conflict, worry or offence to members of the team or community and thereby threaten relationships?
Restorative Conference
F
harmed
F
MM
H
B
X
W wrongdoer
What do I need when I’ve been harmed?
• An apology • An empathetic listener• Amends made• The other person to understand what has upset
me• To be respected• To be allowed to have emotion• Support and positive reinforcement• Reassurance it won’t happen again• To draw a line underneath it
What do I need when I have harmed
someone else? • To apologise• Someone to talk to• Time to put things right• To make it up to them• A chance to explain to other person and myself • To feel better about it
and about myself• To be forgiven• To reassure them/myself it won’t happen again• To get back on friendly terms
What do I need when I’ve been harmed?
• An apology • An empathetic listener• Amends made• The other person to
understand what has upset me
• To be respected• To be allowed to have
emotion• Support and positive
reinforcement• Reassurance it won’t
happen again• To draw a line
underneath it
What do I need when I’ve harmed someone else?
• To apologise• Someone to talk to• Time to put things right• To make it up to them• A chance to explain to other
person and myself • To feel better about it and about myself• To be forgiven• To reassure them/myself it
won’t happen again• To get back on friendly
terms
How restorative is your manner?
• Whether you have caused harm or been affected by it your needs are essentially the same – and it’s the same for everyone else – adult or young person!
• Are there opportunities in your work or family for these needs to be addressed and met?
• How can they be addressed and met?
Able to create and model ‘Peace-able solutions to conflict
The challenge – to address conflicts and harmful situations in a way that, at the very least, does not harm relationships, and at best builds and repairs them
Traditional Questions
• What happened? (fact finding)
• Who is to blame?
• What is the appropriate response to deter and possibly punish those at fault, so they will not do the same thing again?
The Five Magic Questions
• What happened?
• What were you thinking?
• How were you feeling?
• Who else has been affected by this?
• What do you need now so that the harm can be repaired ?