5 parenting practices for a peaceful home, week 3
TRANSCRIPT
FIVE PARENTING PRACTICES FOR A PEACEFUL HOME
Welcome to Week Three. Photo, Sian Richards
WORKSHOP THREE OVERVIEW
• Introduc2ons • Revisi2ng Prac2ces – Prac2ce 1: Create a HAT Habit – Prac2ce 2: Take Hard Things Out of Hard Times – Prac2ce 3: Put Your Waffles in a House
• New Prac2ce this Week – Prac2ce 4: Train by Training (not by correc2ng) – If 2me, Prac2ce 4.5: What about correc2on?
REVISITING PARENTING PRACTICE 1 CREATE A HOW ARE THINGS HABIT
Create a system that will allow you to pro-‐ac2vely make decisions about the life of your family & reflect on what prac2ces work for you
REVISITING PARENTING PRACTICE 1 Tiny Cheerleader
• Freedom to be a perfect work in progress!
ART OF PARENTING Paren5ng Partner Time
• HAT mee2ngs are designed to strengthen adult partnerships, promote consistency & foster a growth mindset
• Take 3 minutes to confirm with your paren2ng partner(s): – Weekly Mini HATs in March Scheduled? – Quarterly Off-‐Sites Scheduled? – Babysi[ng calendar reminder for your Quarterly Off-‐Sites?
REVISITING PARENTING PRACTICE 2 TAKE HARD THINGS OUT OF HARD TIMES
Remove the unnecessary and move the mobile out of hard 2mes
Photo, oldmansgym.com
REVISITING PARENTING PRACTICE 2 Take Hard Things Out of Hard Times
• When you have a consistently difficult period of your day, look at what you are trying to accomplish during that 2me and ask: 1. Is this task necessary? • If no, remove it all together!
2. Is this task mobile? • If yes, move it to an easier 2me!
• If it has to stay, reorganize with the Premack Principle!
SCIENCE OF BEHAVIOR Are you le?ng Premack help you?
More Probable (FUN!)
Less Probable
(LESS FUN!)
SCIENCE OF BEHAVIOR Are you le?ng Premack help you?
Less Probable
(LESS FUN)
More Probable
(FUN!)
ART OF PARENTING Whole Group Ac5vity
• Dad dreads the morning rou2ne. He & child make it to school on 2me-‐ish most days but the process is painful! He is currently trying to complete the following tasks in the 7-‐8am hour: – Wake up – Shower – Get dressed – Brush teeth – Wake child up – Make breakfast – Serve breakfast – Clean up dishes – Pack lunch – Pack workbag – Child draws a picture – Find child’s backpack – Help child brush teeth – Help child brush hair – Make sure child goes to the bathroom – Put on own coat & shoes – Help child put on coat & shoes – Get car keys – Load up car & head to school!
Is it necessary? Is it mobile?
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 BUILD A SOLID FRAME
AKA PUT YOUR WAFFLES IN A HOUSE
Create structural consistency to “hold” over-‐nego2ated items in place
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 Why build a solid frame?
• Improve Procedural Integrity – We all know consistency is important but in prac2ce it is really hard to do all the 2me
• How? – STRUCTURAL CONSISTENCY is less exhaus2ng!
Classroomclipart.com Building our House by Jonathan Bean Image via us.macmillian.com
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 Your Solid Frames
DAILY – Sure iPad! We have 30 minutes on iPad aker bath & specific chore each akernoon
MOMENT – Sure play! First we brush teeth & wash face,
then we play!
DAILY – Sure you can have more X! First you can finish your meal & if you are s2ll hungry you can have more!
MOMENT – Sure we can read a bed2me story! First we’ll put away our house
toys, then we’ll read a story together!
WEEKLY – Sure we can play with your god-‐
sisters! We always play with them on the
weekend!
WEEKLY – I love videos too! We always watch a video together on the weekend!
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 Structural Consistency with Frame Building
Then we’ll do THAT!
First/When
Sure! (Statement of affirma2on)
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 FOUR Useful Types of Frames
• Moment Frame – “Sure you can play with blocks. First we’ll clean up your puzzle
& then you can play with blocks.” • Daily Frame
– “Sure you can go to the park. We ALWAYS go to the park aker nap2me.”
• Weekly Frame – “Sure, I love Daniel Tiger too! When do we watch Daniel Tiger?”
“That’s right! We watch one show on Saturday aker breakfast!” • NEW: Blame the Man Frame [micro prac2ce]
– “Let’s check our sea2ng chart to see where everyone is si[ng this week!”
PARENTING PRACTICE 3 BONUS: Blame the Man Frame
• Great for expecta2on se[ng • You can sympathize without nego2a2on!
Photos via honda.com, pinterest.com, today.com, playpartypin.com
ART OF PARENTING Community Time
• Group 1: iPad enthusiast – Child asks to use your iPad during any free 2me at home
• Group 2: Bed2me book lover – Child always asks for one more book
• Group 3: Meal 2me nego2ator – Child always wants PB sandwich but won’t eat real food without a fight
Your Task Help the imaginary family build a solid frame to prevent
over-‐nego2a2on!
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 TRAIN BY TRAINING…
NOT BY CORRECTING
Specific skills are strengthened through prac2ce with a suppor2ve coach over a foam pit
Photo, interna5onalgymnas5cs.com
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Master of His Acts
"A child who has become master of his acts through long and repeated exercises, and who has been encouraged by the pleasant and interes2ng ac2vi2es in which he has been engaged, is a child filled with health and joy
and remarkable for his calmness and discipline.”
– Dr. Maria Montessori ('The Discovery of the Child', Clio Press Ltd, 92)
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Strengthen Desirable Behavior
“Research has shown that the most effec2ve way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through posi2ve reinforcement rather than trying to
weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or nega2ve processes.”
-‐ Sidney W. Bijou, Ph.D.
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Teach by Teaching
“Teach by teaching, not by correc2ng.” -‐ Dr. Maria Montessori
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Lay New Lines in the Old Place
“Let him feel himself always under a watchful, loving and approving eye…one habit drives out another. Lay new lines in the old place.”
-‐ CharloYe Mason
Priori2ze Your Family Values
Define a Value-‐in-‐Ac2on Behavior
Train the Value-‐in-‐Ac2on
Make Sure the Value-‐in-‐Ac2on Works
[Problem? Turn on Electric Grandmother]
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Train By Training
AT HOME EXTENSION Your Value-‐in-‐Ac5on
• Began to integrate your values into the DAILY language of your family – especially when you saw the value DEMONSTRATED!
• Picked one of your values • Selected one posi2ve SPECIFIC behavior that you consider an example of this value – Your children currently demonstrate this behavior (even if only occasionally!)
• Wrote a “script” of what you would say when you saw that behavior occur at home
• You caught the pro-‐value behavior this week!
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Typical Paren5ng Advice
• When do parents typically try to teach “good” behavior? • A[er “bad” behavior occurs!
• How do parents typically try to teach “good” behavior? • Verbally -‐ through heart-‐to-‐heart conversa5ons which
tend to be a liYle one-‐sided ☺ (i.e. lectures)
• Is this the most effec2ve approach? • No!
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Mechanics of Good Training
FOAM PIT
WILLING ATHLETE SUPPORTIVE COACH
Photo, interna5onalgymnas5cs.com
REPEATED PRACTICE SPECIFIC TARGET SKILL
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Happy Training Tips
• Don’t train at a hard 2me – Train with a willing athlete at an easy 2me
• Don’t train too generally – Train a specific Value-‐in-‐Ac2on skill
• Don’t train at a compe22on – Train with a foam mat
• Don’t cri2cize – Be a suppor2ve coach
• Don’t expect progress without prac2ce – Use play to prac2ce
Photo, foter.com
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Simple & Effec5ve Training
• Model. Children should see you authen5cally engaging in the character quality – When child approaches my computer, I can’t block them
• Rehearse. When you an2cipate an natural opportunity to use a Value-‐in-‐Ac2on, give your child a chance to problem solve BEFORE the problem – “I see your brother coming near your fort! How are you going to
use a kind body? …Oh that sounds like it will work! But what if he knocks down the pillow?”
• Celebrate. Celebrate the good & highlight the natural posi2ve consequences – “He knocked down your pillow but what did you do? You didn’t
just build it up again did you?! What?! Did that work? Wow!”
PARENTING PRACTICE 4 Super Strength Training
• Role Play. Create FUN invita2ons to prac2ce using the new skills – “Let’s build a fort! I’ll be you! You can be your brother!”
• Read Aloud. Read or tell stories that showcase the real-‐life value of a par2cular character trait – “I no2ced that Henry gave Benny an important job to do while
they were working together.”
• Make a Social Story. Work with child to document (take photos/draw/write/make movie) why & how a new behavior works in a personal way – “Okay what will happen in the first scene?”
PARENTING PRACTICE 4.5 What about correc5on?
Sister hits brother when he knocks down fort • Disapprove – (Shake head no) “We don’t use our hands to hit”
• Affirm Family Value – “We kind words & a kind body in our family.”
• Confidently & Compassionately Close Road – “Looks like the fort is too difficult to share right now. I’ll clean it up & if you want, you can try again aker snack.”
PARENTING PRACTICE 4.5 Oh no! Now, what about meltdowns?
1. Problem behavior is not a sign of bad paren2ng nor future incarcera2on 2. Step back & breathe 3. Transform into the Electric Grandmother
– Child: “No!! You can’t close my fort!” – You say: “I know its hard honey” & keep cleaning!
4. Do not nego2ate – Child: “I am going to hit you!” – You say : “Sounds like you are frustrated. Do you need something to hit?” &
give her a pillow while s2ll cleaning! 5. “Just keep swimming!” by calmly keeping busy & holding your course
– Child: Flailing about – You: Finished cleaning! Sit nearby & do something else
6. End with hope – You: “It is hard to use a kind body when your brother knocks down your fort
but next 2me I am sure you will remember to ask for help!”
PARENTING PRACTICE 4.5 Channel the Electric Grandmother
Photo, ashcombeprimary.co.uk
That way doesn’t work any more. I’m sorry that way doesn’t work any more. I’m sorry
that way doesn’t work any more…
When meltdowns occur, try to physically take one step back & breathe.
WEEK 3 AT-‐HOME EXTENSION
Write & Post a Training Plan for your Value-‐in-‐Ac2on using at least ONE Training tool: • Model • Rehearse • Celebrate • Role play • Read aloud • Make social story
STAY IN TOUCH
Review the slides at biehus.wordpress.com
Email me at [email protected]
Consider coming early next week for my office hours from 5:30 – 6pm here in the library if you have specific ques2ons or want to review!