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PractitionerCertification

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The Aim

Chapter One


Artful vagueness.

Reality Tunnel

Problem state

Solution StateProblem State Solution State


ContextStructure

Process Consequence

Algorithms of the Mind

Cause and Effect (C>E)

Complex Equivalence (A=B)

This = Not That (A=NotB)


The Case of BeccyContext Elicitation

T: Hi Rebecca, so how can I help you today?

R: Oh well, really its sort of in the area of relation-ships. A sort of problem I have with relationshipsboth with my husband and its something thats hap-pened lots of times before in relationships with friendsas well. I dont really know how to describe it. Iguess its that I cant let people get too close to mewithout me pushing them away. So I really rejectedthem basically. I can have this really fantastic rela-tionship in the beginning and we get on really welland then it gets to a point and I just have to pushthem away and its something that I sort seem tokeep doing all the time and its getting to the pointnow in my marriage when I really need to sort it outotherwise its going to happen all over again.

T: And when you say this has happened on anumber of occasions, how far back can you remem-ber this being a problem?

R: Probably from about my early twenties. It hap-pened first of all with a girl friend that I had whereits sort of really intense fun relationship and it got to apoint and then I just sort of had to get away from it so it started then, and then it happened in all my rela-tionships with men as well. Its getting worse andworse and worse as I get older.

T: Right ok. And so that relationship before that rela-tionship with your girl friend, it wasnt an issue?

R: Not that I can remember really. I mean I neverliked people getting too close to me probably even myfamily because I like to keep a safe distance aroundmyself but thats when things start to like break downsof relationships its when that started to happen.

T: And is it always as bad with each person thatyouve had this going on with?

R: Its probably got worse with each ..

T: Has it. And you can feel it getting worse as itsgoing on?

R: Yeah

T: Ok and is this just about relationships nowadaysis this just about intimate relationships or does it hap-pen in the workplace?

R: It can happen in the workplace as well. It couldhappen in any relationship where its like I get soclose to somebody and then I have to back right off.


The Case of BeckyContext Elicitation

So it could be in the workplace if there was someone Igot on really well with and we became quite goodfriends there could then become a point where Iwould have to sort of pull away from it and make therelationship go wrong basically. It feels like I cock itup yeah.

T: And are there any times when it should happenand it doesnt when youd expect you to be feelingas if you should be pushing people away, but actually,it remains safe?

R: Well, I mean, I got married which I didnt thinkwould ever happen and there were times within thatwhen Ive tried to push it away and try as hard as Imight, I guess he didnt let it happen, so. Wemanaged to work through it, so I have been able towork through it actually on a couple of occasions.

T: But you can nearly always find that it happensspontaneously whenever you begin to get close tosomebody?

R: Yeah

T: Are there any times when youve kind of forgottenthat thats what should be happening?

R: Yeah, I think probably if things are going well for acertain amount of time, that I dont know if maybe Iwould think oh things have been going quite well andthen.Ill do something or make something happento make it all go wrong again.

T: And where abouts are you with your husband cur-rently? Is it at a good time or is it going through thiscycle?

R: Its going through this cycle quite badly at theminute which is why I wanted to come and see youbecause I think I just cant let that happen again.Hes really fantastic and if I let that go, I dont know ifId ever forgive myself for it.

T: When it started again with your husband and youremember that churning feeling, was there anythingthat he did or you felt that he did, or that you did, thatbegan it this time?

R: Its just maybe if I feel too.. Again, feeling tootrapped or smothered by him and thats how I cankeep him at a safe distance. He doesnt even neces-sarily need to do anything particular to trigger me off


T: I just notice when you are talking about it, your shouldersget tense and youre feeling smothered?

R: Yeah, it just makes me feel really trapped like I cant getout its like I cant get out and so in a way, thats me mak-ing an exit for myself.

T: Ok. Right, so its if the relationship encloses you andthere is you looking for a way beyond it?

R: Yeah and there is, now youve said that, that is kind ofwhat its like, like Im trying to find some way out and thatsomehow makes me an exit or an escape route to get out.

T: Right, ok and so when youre talking about this churningfeeling and youve got this kind of, tension in your shoul-ders, are you aware of anything else within your body?

R: Well, it doesnt feel very nice anywhere in my body be-cause I think its only maybe afterwards maybe if wevehad a row, because Ive gone all, sort of funny and weird,that I realise that my bodys probably the whole of mybody is tense and shaky.

T: Right and can that last for a while or does it kind of comeand go quite quickly?

R: Well it changes because I kind of then move into guilt,so it maybe lasts a little while and then I start to feel guilty,so .

T: So, theres shaky legs and that kind of feeling that isntabout guilt at all?

R: No, thats about the fear and anger and being scaredand trying to get out and the guilt feels different actually, theguilt feels heavier

T: Heavier? And where?

R: I dont know. Its almost as if its in the bottom of mylegs sort of like lead, heavy, heaviness.T: Brilliant, so can you remember having a relationship thatwasnt like this, that felt good and felt safe and secure?

R: The only times I can remember that I havent done thisin a relationship is when I havent felt safe and secure. Forinstance, there was my first love. I didnt do it with him at allthat was because I didnt actually feel safe and secure withhim. I thought anytime he could go and he could leave meand he could cheat on me, which he did, once actually. So,I didnt do it with him. Maybe it was because if I did he real-ly would . I dont know. Thats the only relationship Ican really think of where I didnt do my thing.

T: So its actually the safety and security that this seems tobe aimed at defending yourself against.

R: It seems the more someone loves me and wants to bewith me, the more I do it.


The Case of BeckyProcess Elicitation

T: So how do you know when this is happening?

R: I think I start I dont know. If I start to feel likeIm getting trapped and I know its happening becauseIll start to do things that arent very nice towards theother person. I might start to say sarcastic things orgenerally be mean or sort of avoiding someone orcreate some distance between me and them. Its likethe barriers start to come up, so I know its starting tohappen. And even though I know Im aware of itstarting to happen, that makes it worse and it seemsto make me do it more.

T: So you can know that youre doing it and still domore of it?

R: Yeah, probably would do it more even though Iknow Im doing it, so then that just makes me thinkthat Im just a really bad person and that I know Imdoing these really horrible things so someone, yet Istill keep doing them if not more so.

T: Can you think of a time specifically, when thathappened? Recently, maybe or

R: I did have a new friendship with someone at work.We got this woman called Jo and we got really friend-ly. It was like she was the best thing the best friendI ever made this sort of happens all the time. Itslike the best person in my whole live, ever, Im so gladthat we want to do everything together, its fantastic then it gets to a point and like with her I just stoppedresponding to her phone calls and texts and I startedbeing a bit offish with her and maybe Id make a fewput-downs or say a few sarcastic things and thennow. I hardly see her anymore.

T: Ok. And do your remember with Jo, the momentthat it went from being a real great comfortable rela-tionship that you were really enjoying, to that momentwhen you started putting barriers up. Was there adefining moment?

R: I think its when I feel like shes getting to know metoo well. Do you know what I mean? Like shes get-ting to know me and we are starting to know lots ofthings about each other so I guess it gets to a pointwhere suddenly, we know lots of things about eachother and its quite an intimate friendship and thenthats the point where I sort of try and back off orescape and start doing all the horrible things that I do.

T: And would that usually be triggered by somethingthat she says or does or something that you do?


The Case of BeckyProcess Elicitation

R: It maybe that I think that she ..actually thinking aboutit, it was her I offered her some advice for something that shedidnt take and that sort of hurt me a bit and I started going abit funny with her then, actually.

T: Oh right and when you got that feeling that she was beinga bit funny, where about does that happen.

R: I get it right in here

At this point interview explores structure - youll see it later.Then I returned to eliciting the process.

So when you get that feeling, what are the kind of things thatyou normally do?

R: Thats when I would do you mean to the other person? Iwould put them down or say something really horrible to themor be really withhold information from them. Say for in-stance, they wanted to know what I was doing at the weekend,maybe Id say, Dont know what Im doing because Id knowthat theyd want to arrange to see me. And so, Ill be evasiveand stand-offish, like Im not bothered, even though I reallyam.

T: And how long might this go on for while youve got thatfeeling?

R: Until Ive got them to leave me alone or go away or drop it.

T: So it will keep on going until . Do you normally break therelationship or do you keep being that way until they do?

R: Yeah

T: Thats the way it is. So you kind of wear them out.

R: Yeah and then afterwards I think Why have I done that?

T: So once its done, the friendship is over, or the relationshipis over what goes through your mind?

R: Well I feel absolutely gutted that Ive lost someone reallyspecial I mean I dont feel like Im able to go back and getthem, or retrieve it in any way. I dont know if thats becauseIm feeling too proud, like its something that Id done wrong. Ijust feel devastated by it and think Ive done that again, I cantbelieve Ive done that again! Thats someone else thats goneout my life.

T: And how does that make you feel about you?

R: Absolutely awful, just like Im a really, really horrible personand I am. I know I am when Im doing those things, I am beingreally horrible.


Basic Units of Thought


The Case of BeckyStructure Elicitation

R: It maybe that I think that she ..actually thinkingabout it, it was her I offered her some advice for some-thing that she didnt take and that sort of hurt me a bitand I started going a bit funny with her then, actually.

T: Oh right and when you got that feeling that she wasbeing a bit funny, where about does that happen.

R: I get it right in here

T: And when you think about that feeling that you getright there, is that similar to the feeling you get on otheroccasions?

R: I dont think so, I think its mostly that I get that feel-ing with another person in this type of way, because itsnot like I would maybe get a feeling in my stomach an-other time for nerves but its not that sort of thing, this ismuch more its less bubbly its more sort of, deep inthere.

T: Does it have a name?

R: Its like a, a bit like a washing machine! Yeah!

T: Is it?

R: Yeah, its the only way I can describe it, like a wash-ing machine, just sort of churning

T: And your hand is moving in that direction

R: Yeah, churning like that

T: So its just a churning feeling, right ok. So when youthink about times when this has happened before, saywith your friend back in your early twenties, maybe withyour husband as well, is that a feeling that goes with it?

R: Yeah definitely! Definitely. And sometimes if I wasfeeling it really badly, it sort of shoots up here as well like a hot feeling.

T: So its a hot feeling that moves?

R: Its sort of mostly there and if I was having a conver-sation that was getting me worked up the it would sort ofmove up here as well.

T: And is there an emotion that goes with that feeling oris it just.churning?

R: Its like a mix of fear and anger as well. I think itsfear and anger mixed together and guilt because I feelso guilty about what Im doing to the other person, so Ifeel guilty as well.

T: Right so its a mix of things really being churned?


Anticipation Machines


The Case of BeckyConsequence & Solution State Elicitation

Consequence

T: And how does that make you feel about you?

R: Absolutely awful, just like Im a really, really horri-ble person and I am. I know I am when Im doingthose things, I am being really horrible.

T: Right, ok and what do you see that leading to, ifyou think about this continuing? What do you see asa consequence of that?

R: Just being on my own just being all on my own.Because whose going to stick around with someonethat treats them so horribly. And this is what Im wor-ried about now with my husband, I can see the samecycle starting again, thinking if this carries on as it hasdone before, then Ill just push him away and hell begone and Ill just be on my own.

Solution State Elicitation

T: Right. So how would you like to be instead? If Iwere to wave a magic wand today and you had whatyou wanted from coming to see me, how would youknow? What would be different?

R: I would be able to accept people wanting to bewith me and being nice to me and loving me withoutme having to push them away. So I wouldnt say allthe sarcastic, mean things. I wouldnt avoid people. Iwouldnt distance myself from them. And, I wouldnthave that horrible feeling.

T: Right thats good. So youve told me lots of thingsthat you wouldnt be doing and wouldnt be experienc-ing. What would you be experiencing instead?

R: Oh wow! Id be that feels like a lightness and Icould be really happy just to be with people and enjoybeing with them. And I could give them back as muchlove as they give me which is what I want to do real-ly, but something gets in the way. So, I could be withthem. I would feel really happy to be with them. Iguess Id feel safe without feeling trapped andhemmed in.

T: So when you did that, your body shifted theres adifferent feeling?

R: Yeah, yeah its like a lightness, like oh, I donthave to do this anymore!

T: Lightness, and where do you feel lightness in yourbody? Or is it everywhere?


R: Its across here (upper chest, shoulder area) itsgone from there (stomach) and its just light and openup here, like an open-ness

T: Brilliant and is there in that lightness and open-ness, with that feeling you had in the past there wasa kind of movement to it wasnt there? Is there amovement to this one or is it still?

R: Sort of going like that (gestures away movements)outwards, rather than in, because I guess that feelsreally sort of in, like a destructive inwards. And this isopen and free.

T: Excellent. Are there any times when you can thinkabout, different circumstances perhaps, when you getthat feeling? When youre open and free?

R: Maybe if Ive been on holiday, you know when youhave that feeling where youre on holiday and youhavent got to do anything, you havent got to worryabout anything or think about anything, just reallyfree. Ive had it sometimes maybe around exercising -feeling really good exercising. That sort of lightnessthere.

T: When youre exercising? Thats interesting. Whatis it about exercising that gives you that feeling?

R: Its like a release

T: Is it, right,

R: Yeah, just getting really in.. They call it like beingin the zone or whatever. Everythings all working to-gether like it should be and my bodys working reallywell and my minds working with it and it just feels real-ly free and released. And just everythings doing whatit should be.

T: So if you could imagine having that feeling in a re-lationship could you imagine being with your husbandand having that freedom and that feeling in your body?

R: To feel free, yeah, totally because then I wouldntneed to try and escape if I felt free.

The Case of BeccyConsequence & Solution State Elicitation


The Question is the Answer


The Case of BeckyNeuro Logical Level Future Pace

T: Right, so if I could I dont know whetherits easier for you to have your eyes open orclosed for this. I just want to ask you a fewquestions about exactly how we want you tobe in the future. So again, going back to thismagic wand question, that weve done whatwere going to do and youve got exactly whatyou wanted. If you were to imagine going outinto the future where thats occurred, and youhave exactly your way of being in a relation-ship that you want, what would be aroundyou? What would you be aware of and howwould that be different? How would the worldhave changed?

R: Well, thered be lots of people. Thats themain thing, there would be lots of people. AndI see it as lots of like, fun. Lots of peoplelaughing and me just really being relaxed andenjoying having all those people around with-out wanting to get away.

T: And what would be the kind of things youwould be doing in this world?

R: Id probably be going out more makingmore contact with people because I tend toavoid contact with people or keep myself tomyself you know, dont allow to much con-tact. So I would be going out more. A thingthat Id like to do that I dont feel I can is makecontact with some of those people from broken


friendships and Id really like to get in touch withthem and say Im sorry or whatever can we isthere any chance we could have another friend-ship. So make contact with all those people that Ilost contact with. I wouldnt be giving myself ahard time so much.

T: Youd be doing what, instead?

R: Id just be getting on with my life!

T: Right, good. I want you to think about this per-son in the future, thats you doing those thingsand being surrounded by people and having fun.Shell probably need skills or capabilities or re-sources in order to achieve that kind of a life andthere might be things already that when you thinkabout it, you already have and youre not using asmuch as youd like to, or there might be newthings. What kind of skills and resources wouldyou like to have in the future which would makerelationships be better than they currently are?

R: When I set my mind to something, I can reallydo it, so if I really set my mind to making all thisbetter, then I know I probably could. Its hard tothink of things that Ive got already.

T: So, setting your mind to something, is some-thing you already do?

R: Yeah, I know I can do that.

T: If a friend of yours was here now talking aboutyou, what would be the things that she would saywould make it easy for you to be that kind of per-son?

R: She would probably say that I was determinedand yeah, resourceful. I usually can adapt andmake do, you know, I can be thrown into a situa-tion without any knowledge of anything and get onwith it. So I could just get on with it and do it.Hopefully, theyd say I was - underneath it all -that I am a really nice person. And, when I reallywant to be, I can be affectionate and open whenI choose to be. So if I could choose to be, all thetime

The Case of BeckyNeuro-logical Level Future Pace


T: So to be open and affectionate, adding that tothe determination and seeing things through. Andif I asked your friend what makes it good to bearound you, what would she say?

R: Im quite, again if I choose to be, outgoing andbubbly and fun to be around. Id say I probablydont do that enough but when I do, I think I canget a party going!

T: Brilliant! So what would you need to believeabout yourself for this to happen?

R: That I am a good person. That I deserve tohave those good people in my life.

T: Right, ok, so if you were to say That I am agood person and I deserve to have these peoplein my life and I say to you . Because? Whatwould come to your mind?

R: Because Im worth it. (No no Rebecca any-thing but the LOreal hair advert!)

T: Good! And that means ?

R: I can have all the things that I want to have.

T: Good thats great. So is there anything elsethat you can think of that might be useful for me toknow about the thing thats brought you here to-day?

R: I dont think so - lets hope that I dont do itwith you!!!

T: Yeah that would be interesting wouldnt it, ifthat started to happen.

The Case of BeckyNeuro-logical Level Future Pace


Why do Suggestions need an aim?

Chapter One Quiz

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