Yearly World News

Roundup

Cow-Beast Buys Milk At ShopHalf boy, half cow-beast creature purchases dairy products at Delhi, Oh gas station convenience store. “It was at the end of my shift, at about 8:00pm and I was just waitin’ for my ex-boyfriend (but we’re back together now) to come and pick me up in my truck, which he was borrowing, so we could go out to a party at my cousins’,

when I first saw the cow-beast” says witness, Cindy Blumenhoffer of Delhi, Oh. Daisy Schumacherfeffer was just signing

into the cash register at the gas station when she heard Cindy scream. “As soon I heard poor Cindy scream, I just about leapt outa my old, leathery skin,” says Daisy. “It was the unearthly scream of a soul in torment. And then I laid my baby blues on that there thang, just awalkin along, udder swingin’ this away and that away, like it was just another day! Well, I tell you, if that were’n’ just the dang freakiest thang I ever done laid my eyes on; why I just thought ‘Lord, oh Lord, it’s the rapture and the Divil is come, and he’s gonna git my soul and mock my sin.’ Why I just I fell down, I tell you, I fell down on my knees and I prayed and prayed that the Lord would deliver my soul from the demon cow-beast just awalkin around in the store like it ain’t no thang! But, when I then opened my eyes, you never goin’ to know what I saw. I saw that cow-beast astandin’ right thar before me, towering over me as I kneeled

down aprayin for my soul, an’ I could smell the foul vapors of the bottomless pit emanatin’ from his body. I looked up slowly and you ain’t gonna believe it, but it was asmilin’ at me and carrying a gallon o’ milk in its upper leg. I then fell back into prayer, ‘Lord,’ I said, ‘Lord, if thou art goin’ to permit the Divil to take my soul, then so be it, but must I suffer also, the ravages of this foul beast amockin me, a walkin’ cow carrying a gallon o’ milk’?! And then it opened its mouth and spoke human words and was apeerin into my soul. It asked me if it could—I know it sounds like the most wretched an’ unChristian thang you ever did hear, but it asked me if it could buy the milk! An I just looked at it, squar’ in the eye, an’ it looked right back at me, and then I looked down and saw that udder gently swingin’ from side to side and then that’s all I recollect until they woke me, an’ it was gone.” There have been no certifiable sightings of the Delhi cow-beast since that night. Scientists generally agree that it was most likely an

apocalyptic beast fore-heralding the destruction of the earth. Some townsfolk believe that it’s a friendly beast that wanders the streets of Delhi at night looking for lost souls to guide along their way. Others in Delhi, believe it to be a Divine being that brings blessing to Pescatarian non-ovo-lacto Vegetarians and have set up a “Moo circle” in the area to exercise weekly worship rites. One local woman, Becky Thatcher, says, it’s

probably some dumb guy who ate too much candy at Halloween and went crazy. We’ll never know the truth of the Delhi Cow-Beast, but one thing we can be sure about: this is likely not the last time we’ll be hearing from him.

Cindy Blumenhoffer

Daisy Schumacherfeffer

The Delhi Cow-Beast

Possible documented sighting of the Delhi Cow-Beast dancing by the moonlight.