Finding love: Islamic

PerspectiveSession One:

Presented by Shaikh Ahmad Kutty

At the IIT Ring of Love Seminar

(January 29, 2011)

Finding love: Islamic Perspective

� Love in Islam

� Love of form and love of spirit

� How to find a partner for love and marriage

� Engagement: rules and ethics

Love in Islam

� Islam: a religion of love--love of Allah and love

of creation

� Love of God as a foundation of all love

� It is the only abiding love, for God alone is

eternal, everything else fades away

� Our love for our partner should be to enhance

our love of Allah

Love of form and love of spirit

� Love of form is love of appearance, love of

body, and love of the physical

� It is a source of deception

� Appearance is deceptive; it is ever fading

� Ironically, most people confuse form with reality

� Believers are taught to look to the spirit

Love of form

� Most people go for it; as they live in their

physical dimension only

� Since it is deceptive, it is like looking for water

in a mirage

� That is why Prophet’s prayer: ‘Grant me to love

you more than I love for my own self or my

family…or …for cool water while thirsty

Love of spirit

� True love: love founded on love of Allah

� The Prophet (peace be upon him) wanted us to

look for it in marriage

� ‘When a person of sound faith and character

appears, marry him/her; otherwise, you are

paving the way to corruption.’

Faith (deen) and character (khuluq)

� Faith is not simply rituals

� It is an individual being transformed by love of

Allah

� We must distinguish between religiosity and

sound faith

� It is a person with a compassionate heart

What is character (khuluq)?

� Khuluq is different from khalq;

� Khuluq is the inner beauty which is only

perceived through intuition

� But it has clear signs: traits of character

� God conscious, trustworthy, humble, loving,

caring, jovial, slow to anger: traits of prophetic

character

Love and romance

� Love born of knowledge of character, rooted in

love of Allah, is the sure way to go

� It is different from dating; for Islam is opposed

to all forms of isolation between a male and a

female

� It is purely destructive

� Illicit liaison or romance is not approved in

Islam

Finding a marriage partner

Internet chat rooms are not the ideal place, for it is

difficult to discern the khuluq

1. Parents’ initiated

2. Friends’ or elders’ initiated

3. Choosing through partnering experiences

4. Don’t rule out any of the above; compatibility

is the most important

Questions to ask

� Assume: no one is perfect

Questions to ask:

� One’s vision of the role of man/woman in society

� Religious factor: Rigid or the middle-way?

� Common spiritual vision and interests

� Differences and how to deal with them

� Ideal partnership: opportunity to grow together to

fulfill one’s God-given potential

Marriage proposal

� Proposal can be made through parents

� Parents’ role in marriage is to safeguard the

interests of the woman

� Coercion is not allowed in Islam

� Parties have the right to choose

� They are allowed to see, talk, and exchange ideas

to discern the compatibility

Engagement: rules and ethics

� Engagement is a promise to marry

� It does not make haraam halaal

� No isolation allowed; not even unsupervised

chats

� It can be formalized through exchange of rings,

gifts, etc.

� It is intended to other suitors at bay

� It is sin to break an engagement

Love and Mercy in Marriage

Session two:

Presented by Shaikh Ahmad Kutty

IIT-Ring of Love seminar

January 29, 2011

Preparing for marriage

�Cognitively: reading good books; a

course? Let ideas sink in

�Practically: playing out various

scenarios

�A family mission statement

�Pre-nuptial contract

Family mission statement

� Intended to encapsulate the shared vision and

values;

� A source of reference to draw upon for

empowerment

� Help not to lose the global focus

� A reminder: humans are forgetful, being caught

up in the immediate

Elements of a pre-nuptial

� Pre-nuptial should deal with potential

challenges: second marriage; finances; how to

deal with differences; in-laws, etc.

� Never forget issues of cooking, shared

responsibilities, residence: with in-laws, or

without, etc.

� Option for woman to opt out?

Bonding in marriage

� Bonding in marriage: it takes time

� Cementing love: by living the ideal

� Sharing and caring, doing things together as

much as possible

� Be willing to give and take freely

� Time together

Time together

� Important for couples to have their own time

together

� Prophet’s examples: eating together, sitting,

talking, listening; watching sports, jogging, etc.

his wives always accompanied him;

� Neglect this at your own peril!

Extended family

� Marriage is meant to extend family boundaries

� Duties towards parents and blood relations must

never be overlooked;

� Spouses need to be committed to strengthening

them;

� Challenge is how to balance the two

� Cooperation, understanding on both sides

essential.

Finances

� Finances often become a sour point in marriage

� Man is the provider

� If both work, then both should share the chores and duties.

� Both contributing: no harm in sharing equally.

� Otherwise, woman is mainly responsible for nurturing and caring and home maintenance: Ali out; Fatimah in.

� But it is flexible: Prophet doing chores; delays salah to place the lid on the cooking pot!

Emotional satisfaction

� Intimacy is crucial in marriage

� It is a mutual responsibility

� Flexibility and openness without breaking the boundaries

� Gentleness of approach and lots of affection

� Recognize the mood swings: men need extra sensitivity: rifqan bi al-qawarir

Foundations of a blissful marriage

� Mutual respect and appreciation

� Listening, developing communication

� Expressing love and affection

� Looking for strengths

� Willingness to forgive

� Channelling anger

� Choosing happiness by exercising one’s choice: living the examined life.

Dealing with differences

� When differences revolve around others

� Extended family: see what can be changed; what cannot?

� One cannot expect to change mother in law for example; how to deal with her then?

� Husband cooperating: to give wife her own space; not to react, but to stand on a high moral ground; with hardship comes ease mindset.

� See that good things come in packages

� Also realizing that grass on the other side is not all that green.

When issues are overwhelming

� Developing the habit of stepping back

� Going for a long walk

� Drawing upon the spiritual reservoir

� Cooling period

� Seeking for creative ways of problem solving

� Have I been focusing so much on ‘me’?

Time to seek help?

� What to look for in a counsellor? Prophet’s example

� Role of a counsellor: counsellor cannot fix your marriage;

� He is there to help you see what you don’t see;

� And suggest new ways of resolving, or strengthening it

Helping oneself

� Learning and growing together

� Spiritual retreat

� Time for dhikr and solitude

� Engaging in muhasabah (introspection)

� Learning to be actor and witness at the same

time

� Reading from the Islamic spiritual wisdom

When to part ways honorably?

� Last recourse: abgadh al-halal

� when no hope for reconciliation;

� when it is a case of idraar (Qur’an: walaa tumskuhunna diraran..; Prophetic dictum.

� Physical and emotional abuse

� Emotional abuse can be worse

� Lack of intimacy can be a reason as well: e.g., the case of sahabiyyah

Dealing with differences

� Differences are natural; likewise disagreements

� Don’t impose one’s views on the other—even in religion

� Try to see things using the two lenses;

� Compromise: make it a solution based on win+ win; not one party a looser

� Never hurt the partner’s self-respect