TRUYN CI QUC T - NGUYNNGC HIU BIN DCH

Tp 1: Li Dch Gi

Chng ti bin dch tp b sch ny nhm ti nh ng nhm c gi rng ri:nhng bn ang hc Anh ngtrung cp (bng B), bng C, hc sinh khi khng chuyn, hc sinh chuyn ng, sinh vin khoa Anh ng,gio vin... v c nhng ngi khng hc Anh ng.

Chng ti chn lc trong c ngn cu truyn c i ly ra h n 200 truyn cng hin cho c gi, v thnhng truyn ci trong b sch ny khng nht nho m c tnh khi hi.

V mt ngn ng, chng ti hu nh gi nguyn bn cc cu truyn bn c tip cn vi li vit, cchngh ca ng i vit bn x.Ngn ng trong cc cu chuyn ph n ln l ngn ng i sng hng ngy,khng c tnh cht trang trng (informal) dng ni chuyn v i bn b, vi nhng ngi thn thucxung quanh. Nhng m u truyn ci trong tp sch ny c s lng t vng phong ph xung quanh ccch i sng hng ngy gip cc bn xem vic s dng t v ng php trong vic hc ting Anh, giplm phong ph s t vng ca cc bn.

V dch thu t, chng ti dch st gip cc bn thun ti n trong vic h c Anh ng. Cc bn c thdng nhng mu truyn ca chng ti tp d ch xui (Anh Vit) hay dch ngc (dch Vit Anh).Dch ngc l mt phng php hc ting Anh rt tt. Cc h c gi Vit Nam nh ph ng php ny mvit ngoi ng cn tt h n c nhng ngi i du hc nc ngoi.i vi nhng cu khng dch st cth chng ti ch dch , khng lm phn tc gi.

Li cui cng, cho d rt c gng nhng chng ti khng trnh khi nhng sai st. Chng ti ly lmmay mn c c gi ch cho nhng sai st y. Chng ti rt cm n cho nhng bn dch sau ctt hn.

Bun Ma Thut, th t 22-5-2002

Dch gi.

Chuyn v chng

1. THE BUM

A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" Thewell-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don t drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don t

gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," saysthe bum, "I don t play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum acceptseagerly. While they are heading for the man s house, the bum s curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn t yourwife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn tdrink, gamble or play golf."

1. K N MY

M t g n my tin gn m t qu ng n mt sang trng trn ng ph. Ny, ng bn qu, ng c thcho hai la c khng? Ng i n ng n mc sang trng tr l i: Bn s khng tiu tin vo ruch, phi khng? Khng, tha ngi, ti khng ung ru, g n my ci li.

Bn s khng qung n vo nhng vn chi to lao, phi khng? ngi n ng thng lu hi.

Khng theo li . Ti khng chi bi, g n my tr li.

Bn s khng tiu hoang tin vo nhng khong ph hm ca mt cuc gn, phi khng? ngi nng hi. Khng bao gi, tn n my ni, ti khng chi gn.

Ng i n ng h i g n my c mu n v nh vi ng ta n cm nh khng. G n my hm h ng. Trong khi h ang i hng v nh ng i n ng, g n my khng thng c tnh t m. V ngs khng ni gin khi b y thy mt g nh ti ti bn n ca ng ?

Chc l c, ngi n ng ni, nhng s ng nh th. Ti mun c y thy iu g xy ra cho mt gkhng nhu nht, c bc hoc chi gn.

2. HOW TO LIVE?

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be ableto live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

2. LM SAO SNG?

Em yu, mt ngi n ng tr ni vi c du mi. V rng chng ta ci nhau, em c ngh em s cth sng bng thu nhp khim tn ca anh?

D nhin, anh yu, khng sao c, c ta tr li. Nhng anh s sng bng g?

3. THEY HAD NO PRIVACY

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base wherehe was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy.This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs onthe telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He s been yelling for itfor 15 minutes!"

3. H KHNG C CHT RING T NO C

Khi l mt cp v chng tr mi ci, ngi ch ng v ng i v sng trong mt khu nh lin hp rtin g n c s ngi chng lm vic. iu ng phn nn ch yu ca h l cc bc tng mng nhgiy v h khng c c s kn o.iu ny l ra hin nhin mt cch ng bun vo mt bu i sngng i chng tng trn v ngi v tng di ang gi in thoi.Ngi v b ct ngang bi tingchung ca v i ra cho ngi hng xm.

a ci ny cho chng c, ng ta ni v gii mt cun giy v sinh vo tay c ta.Anh y ht i n15 pht!

4. A HUSBANDWHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED

"I m ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "Myfather pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.I m just so ashamed."

The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthlessbrothers of yours ain t never give us a cent!"

4. MT NGI CHNG KHNG BAO GI BIT XU H

Em xu h v cch sng ca chng ta, mt ng i v tr ni vi ng chng li ngi t chi i tmmt vic lm. Ba em tr tin thu nh. M em mua tt c n.Ch em mua qun o chng ta. C emmua xe hi cho chng ta. Em qu xu h.

Ngi ch ng l n trn trn i vng. V em nn tip tc ch trch na, anh ta ng . Hai ng anh vdng ca em khng bao gi cho chng ta mt xu!

5. THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain aboutanything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first

week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors cansee me every time I take a bath."

"Don t worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they ll buy curtains."

5. HNG XM KHNG TH NHN THY EM C

ci nhau mi nm nhng vn sng trong mt cn h, ngi v thng phn nn th v c ta mtmi v vic tit kim tng xu mua mt ngi nh m c.

Vi c gng an i v, ngi chng tm mt cn h mi hp ti tin ca h. Tuy vy, sau tun l u,ngi v li bt u phn nn.

Joel, c ta ni, em khng thch ni ny t no. Khng c tm mn no trong phng tm. Hng xm cth thy em khi em tm.

ng lo, chng tr li. Nu qu thc hng xm thy em, h s mua mn.

6. WHERES THE SHOE?

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception.Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealouseasily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted ahigh-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until hiswife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That s when he noticed his wife squirmingaround in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

6. CHIC GIY U RI ?

Mt bui ti c mt ngi n ng li xe ch c th k v nh sau khi c ta ung h i nhiu ti ba ticchiu i c quan. Mc d y l mt hnh vi v t nhng anh ta quyt nh khng ni cho v- ngi hayni ghen d dng nghe.

Ti hm sau, ngi n ng v v nh xe n mt nh hng. Thnh lnh anh ta nhn xung v nhn ramt chi c giy cao gt n mt na di gh khch. Khng mun b ch , anh ta i ti lc v nhn raca s trc khi anh ta anh ta ht chic giy ln v qung khi xe.

Vi mt hi th nh nhm, anh ta li xe vo bi u xe. Chnh lc anh ta ch thy v loay hoayquanh gh ngi. Anh yu, c ta hi, anh c thy chic giy kia ca em khng?

7. DUMMY HUSBAND

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I dlove to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear,everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling andher stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Macalong with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywoodblockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."

7. NGI CHNG NG NGHCH

Mt ngi n ng h i v :Nu em c th c mi th trn th gii trong mt ngy, em s mun g?Em mun tr li nh hi su, nng p.

Vo bu i sng sinh nht nng, anh ta nh thc nng dy rt sm v h i n mt cng vin ch 1trong vng. ng l mt ngy vui! Anh ta t nng ln mi th tr chi trong cng vin: ng trtCht ngi, Vng nho ln Ku tht, Bc tng S hi, mi th! Ht xy! Nm ting sau nng lo o ira kh i cng vin, u c quay cu ng v b ng nh ln xung. H i vo mt nh hng McDonald,ngi chng gi mt ci bnh kp tht ln thm vi tht ram v mt ly scla trng khuy.Sau h it i mt rp chiu phim: b phim thnh cng nht, mi nht Hollywood, hot dog, bp n, Pepsi Cola. Qul mt cuc chi tuyt vi!

Sau cng nng i lo ng chong v nh vi ch ng v sp xung ging. Anh ta ng ngi v hi mtcch u ym: y, em yu, tr li nh hi su tui th nh th no?

Nng m mt mt: Oi anh ng nghch, em mun ni c o s su.

8. A NEWMACHINE

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour painsfrom the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to itshighest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying onhis door step groaning in pain.

8. CHIC MY MI

Mt bc s hi mt ngi chng c v sp sinh rng c mu n th chic my ng ta mi sng ch chuyncn au t ngi m sang ngi cha khng.Billy ng v chic my c ci vo.Nhng mc dchic my chy ht cng sut Billy cng khng thy au n g c.

Sau anh ta v nh ly vi th v yu cu v thy ngi a sa ang nm trc ca rn r au n.

9. DRUNK

Bob visited his friend Joe s house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He told her severaltimes how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs andkisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife."

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, and wecouldn t be happier."

Inspired by Joe s story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said hewanted to hear all about her day. Instead she burst into tears.

"Darling," Bob said, "whatever s the matter?"

"This has been the worst day I ve had for a long time," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bikeand hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down. Now, to top it off, you come home drunk!"

9. SAY

Bob n thm nh Joe v kinh ngc trc li i x t t c a bn i vi v.Anh ta ni vi v n myln l nng hp dn ra sao, ca tng ti nu n kho lo ca nng v m hn v nh ma.

A, Bob lu bn,anh quan trng ha v anh ln y.

Ti b t u nh gi nng cao hn t khong su thng nay, Joe ni.iu lm sng li hn nhnca chng ti, v chng ti hnh phc n khng th hnh phc hn c na.

Ly cm hng ca bn, Bob vi v v nh, m v, ni cho nng nghe l anh yu nng bit bao nhiu, vni anh mun nghe mt ngy nng lm vic ra sao.Thay vo nng bng a khc.

Em yu, Bob ni, Vic g xy ra vi em vy?

y l ngy ti t nht ca em lu nay, nng p. Sng nay Billy t xe p v b au mt c, sau my git b h. By gi, thm vo , anh li say xn v nh!

10. HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?

A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he d like to buy a present for his wife.

"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant. "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"

"Anything," said the man. "And in what colour?" "It doesn t matter." "Size?"

"Immaterial."

Seeing the assistant s confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something shewould always take it back to the shop and exchange it.

"Why don t you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him. "Oh no," said the man. "That wouldbe too impersonal."

10. LM TH NO MUAMTMN QU?

Mt ngi n ng i vo mt gian ca hng v ni v i ngi bn hng ng ta mun mua mt mn qucho v. c, tha ng, ngi bn hng p. C l mt ci o m hay mt ci o cnh c chng?

G cng c, ngi n ng ni. Cn mu?

Khng quan trng. C?

Chuyn nh.

Thy s lng tng ca ngi bn hng, ngi n ng gii thch rng mi khi ng ta mua cho v ci g th b ta lun em n tr li shop v i.

Ti sao ng khng mua mt phiu tr tin thay vo ? ngi bn hng hi. khng, ngi nng ni. Nh th th qu v tnh.

11. RELATIVES ?

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As theypassed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

11. B CON ?

Mt cp v chng li xe i vi dm xung mt con ng ng qu, khng ni mt li. Mt cuc tranhlun trc gy ra mt cu c tranh ci, v khng ng i no mu n nhn quan im ca mnhthua.Trong khi h i qua sn nui la v heo, ngi v hi mt cch ch nho: B con ca ng phikhng ?

ng, ngi ch ng tr li, Bn pha v.

12. YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on theback of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"she said, furious. "You d better have an explanation."

"Calm down, dear," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the nameof the horse I backed."

The next morning, his wife whacked him again. "What was that for?" he groaned. "Your horse called lastnight," she said.

13. CON NGA NG GI TI QUA

Mt b v i n pha sau ch ng v v vo sau u ng ta trong khi ng ta ang ung c ph sng.Titm thy mt mnh giy trong qun ng c ci tn Mary, b ta ni mt cch gin d.ng nn giithch.

Bnh tnh no, em yu, ng ta gii thch. Em c nh tun qua anh xem ua nga khng? l tn conngc anh nh cuc.

Sng hm sau, b v li pht mnh ng ta mt ci.Ti sao em lm th? ng ta rn r. Con nga cang gi t qua, b ta ni.

13. WEVE SAVED ENOUGHMONEY

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Darling, we ve finally savedenough to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly. "No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."

13. CHNG TA TIT KIM TIN

Sau nhiu n m keo kit v tit kim, chng bo vi v mt tin mng:Em yu, cui cng chng ta titkim tin mua ci m chng ta bt u dnh trong nm 1979.

anh mun ni mt chic Jaguar mi phi khng ? ngi v hn h. Khng, ngi chng tr li,mt chic Jaguar i 1979.

14. DEATHBED CONFESSION

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lipsbegan to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Dont talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There snothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything s all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must diein peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied. "That swhy I poisoned you."

14. TH TI LC LM CHUNG

Jake ang lc lm chung. V anh, Susan, ang thc gic bn cnh anh ta.Ch ang cm bn tay yu t caanh, v nc mt chy xung mt ch . Li cu nguyn ca ch nh thc anh khi gic ng. Anh nhn lnv i mi nht nht ca anh bt u hi nhc nhch.

Susan yu qu ca anh, anh ta th thm.

Im i, anh yu, ch ta ni. Hy ngh ngi. ng ni.

Anh ta vn c tip tc. Susan, anh ta ni vi ging mt mi. Anh c i u phi th nhn vi em.Khng c g phi th nhn c, Susan khc lc tr li. Mi vic u n c, hy ng i.

Khng, khng.Anh phi cht trong thanh th n, Susan. Anh ng vi em gi em, bn thn em v mem. Em bit, ch ta tr li. iu ti sao em u c anh.

15. AFTER THE HONEYMOON

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediatelycalled her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spokenthe words then she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the mosthorrible language. He s been saying things I ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home... "

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me,what could be so awful? What 4-letterwords has he been using?"

"Please don t make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I m so embarrassed! They re just tooawful! You ve got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Stillsobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

15. SAU TUN TRNGMT

Mt cp trai gi tr ci nhau v i hng tun trng mt. Khi h quay li, ngay lp tc c du gi inthoi cho m.

No, tun trng mt ra sao? ngi m hi.

, m ! c ta la ln. Tun trng mt th tuyt! Rt lng mn! Chng my chc sau khi ni ra c ta akhc. Nh ng m va khi ti con quay v , Sam bt u dng ngn ng kinh khip nht. Anh y ni nhng th con cha bao gi nghe trc y! Tt c u l nhng t bn ch ci1 ng s! M phin n con v a con v nh

No Sarah m c ta tr li. Bnh tnh no! Ni cho m nghe, ci g m qu ng s vy? Nhng tbn ch ci no m anh ta s dng?

ng b t con k cho m nghe, m . ngi con gi khc. Con ang tht bi ri! Nhng ch qu ds! M phi n n con v a con v nh nghe m!

Con yu, con phi ni cho m nghe ci g lm con qu bi ri nh vy Hy ni cho m nghe nhng tbn ch ci kinh khip ny!

Vn cn thn th c, c du tr li, , m nhng t nh rc, git, i, v nu nng!

16. I HAVE TO SHOW HER

Everybody s heard of the Air Force s ultra-high-security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as"Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessnalanding at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into aninterrogation room.

The pilot s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about torun out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnightduring the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn t a spy. They gassedup his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not -see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats ofspending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, andsent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, theMP s surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people inside.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and youhave to tell her where I was last night!"

16. TI PHI CH RA CHO C Y

C ai nghe v cn c cc k an ninh, siu b mt ca khng lc (M) Nevada, c bit di tngi n gin Vng 51?

Vo mt bu i chiu mun, ngi khng lc Vng 51 rt ngc nhin thy mt chic Cessna h cnh ticn c b mt ca h. H lp tc nht chic my bay v li phi cng vo phng thm vn.

Cu chuyn ca vin phi cng l anh ta ct cnh t Vegas, b lc v pht hin ra cn c ngay khi anh tasp ht nhin liu. Khng lc bt u mt cuc kim tra thng tin cn thit ca FBI v vin phi cng vgi anh ta qua m trong sut cuc phng vn.

Vo ngy hm sau, cui cng h tin rng vin phi cng lc th c s v khng phi l m t gin ip. Hcung cp nhin liu cho chic my bay, a cho anh ta mt ch dn ng s anh khng thy mt cnc, cng vi nhng li e da anh ta s t sut qung i cn li, ni vi anh ta Vegas c ng baynh th, nh th, v tin anh ta ln ng.

Ngy hm sau, trong s bt ng khng th tin c c a khng lc, cng chic Cessna xut hin tr li.Mt ln na, qun cnh bao quanh chic my bay nhng ln ny c hai ngi bn trong.

Cng vin phi cng nh y ra v ni:Cc ng lm g ti cng c, nhng v ti ang trn my bayv cc ng phi ni vi c y ti qua ti u!

17. I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamedthat you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine s day. What do you think it means?"

"You ll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

17. EM CMT GIC M V IU

Mt ph n tr ng tra. Sau khi c thc dy, c ni v i chng:Em m ng rng anh tng em mtchui ht ngc trai trong ngy Valentine. Anh ngh n c ngha g?

Ti nay em s bit. anh ta ni.

Chiu ti hm , ngi n ng i v nh vi mt gi nh v tng v. Ngi v vui mng m n ra ch thy mt cun sch ta ngha ca nhng gic m.

18. DONT MESS WITH THEMAID

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks abouther shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn t allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husbandconsiders me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I ambetter in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man!"

18. NG LN XN VI NGI GIP VIC NH

Mt qu b Beverly Hills ni gin c gip vic ngi Php. Sau mt bn danh sch di nhng nhn xtkh chu v nhng li ca c ta khi nu n v qun gia, b ui c gip vic.

Ngi gip vic, v i dng mu Celte, khng th ch p nhn mt s lng m nh vy ra i khng ccu tr li. Chng b xem ti l mt ngi qun gia v nu n tt hn b, tha b.Chnh ng ni viti.

Ngi n b giu c ch nn nhn v khng ni g. V hn na, c gi gin d tip tc, trn gingti gii hn b !

V ti cho rng chng ti cng ni vi c iu ?

Khng, tha b, ngi gip vic ni. Khng phi chng b, ng a th !

19. FRIEND FOR DINNER

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don tfeel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool s thinking about getting married."

19. BN N TI

Em yu, chng ni vi v, Anh mi mt ngi bn n nh ta n ti.

Ci g?Anh c in khng? Nh ca th ln xn, em th cha i ch, chn a th d, v em khng munnu mt ba n k khi !

Anh bit ht ri.

Vy ti sao anh mi bn n ti?

V thng ng ti nghip ang ngh n vic ci v.

20. THE SECRET

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well,"replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don t tell her I told you that she told me."

20. IU B MT

Jill than phin vi Nina:Rosey ni vi anh rng em ni vi c ta iu b mt anh ni vi em ng nivi c ta.

, Nina tr li vi ging t i: Em ni v i c ta ng ni vi anh em ni vi c ta. i tri!

Jill th di. Thi, ng ni vi c ta anh ni vi em rng c ta ni vi anh.

21. THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dustedhim with talcum powder. "Don t move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you re a statue."

"What s this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it somuch, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in themorning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and aglass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue , "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith s for threedays and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

21. BC TNG

Mt ph n ang nm trn ging vi ngi tnh th c ta nghe ngi chng m ca trc.

Nhanh ln! c ta ni. ng trong gc nh. C ta nhanh chng xoa du tr em ln khp ngi anh tav sau rc bt talc ln ngi anh ta. ng c ng cho n khi no em bo anh, c ta th thm. Hytng tng anh l mt bc tng.

y l ci g vy em yn? ngi chng hi khi bc vo phng.

, ch l m t bc t ng, c ta tr li mt cch th . Gia nh Smiths mua mt ci t trongphng ng ca h. Em rt thch, em cng mua mt ci cho nh ta.

Khng ai ni g v bc tng na, thm ch c khuya hm lc h i ng. Vo khong hai gi sng, ngi ch ng thc dy, i vo nh bp v quay li mt lc sau vi mt ci bnh sandwich v mt ly sa.y, anh ta ni vi bc tng , n ci g i ch. Ti ng nh mt thng ngc nh Smith trong 3ngy v khng ai a cho ti ngay n c mt ly nc.

22. WISDOM TEETH

One day a man walks into a dentist s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth."Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That s a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn t there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That s still tooexpensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I couldget away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it s still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, Isuppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

22. RNG KHN

Mt ngy kia, mt ngi n ng bc vo mt phng nha s v hi gi nh rng khn l bao nhiu.Tm mi la, nha s ni.

l mt con s l lng, ngi n ng ni. C cch no r hn khng?

, nha s ni, n u ng khng dng thuc t, ti c th h gi xung cn 60 la. Nh vy vn cnqu t, ngi n ng ni.

c ri, nha s ni. Nu ti tit kim thuc t v ch li tot rng ra vi mt ci km th ti c thtnh gi 20 la.

Khng, ngi n ng rn r, nh vy vn cn qu nhiu.

Hm, nha s gi u ni. Nu ti mt trong nhng sinh vin ca ti lm thm kinh nghim th ticho l ti c th tnh gi ch 10 la.

Tuyt, ng i n ng ni, t trc cho v ti vo th Ba ti !

23. HOW DID YOU DIE ?

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second. "So, how dyou die?" "I froze to death," says the second.

"That s awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It s very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all yourfingers and toes. But eventually, it s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as ifyou re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day Ishowed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down tothe basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding thereeither. I ran as fast as I could to the attic,

and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That s soironic," he says. "What do you mean?" Asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we d both still be alive."

23. NG CHT NH TH NO ?

Hai ngi n ng i cng ngc bt u mt cuc ni chuyn. Ngi th nht hi ngi th hai: Saong cht vy?

Ti b ng bng n cht, ngi th hai ni.

Tht khng khip, ngi th nht ni. ng cm thy ra sao khi b ng bng ti cht?

Trc ht ng cm thy rt kh chu, ng i th hai ni. ng b run, v ng cm thy au tt c ccngn tay v chn. Nhng cui cng s cm thy rt m m ra i.

ng b t cng v ng cm thy kiu nh tri i, nh th ng ang ng. Cn ng th sao, ng cht nhth no? Ti b au tim, ngi n ng th nht ni. ng coi, ti bit v ti ang la d i ti, v vymt ngy kia ti xut hin bt ng nh. Ti chy ln phng ng , v thy c ta mt mnh ang an .Ti chy xu ng tng h m nhng cng khng ai np . Ti chy ln tng hai, nh ng cng khng ainp . Ti chy ht sc ti ln gc mi, nhng khi ti va n th ti b mt cn au tim nng vcht.

Ng i n ng th hai lc u. Th t qu m a mai, ng ta ni. ng mun ni g? ngi n ng thnht hi.

Nu ng ch vic dng li nhn v my p lnh th hai ta hn cn sng.

24. WHYMYMOM LEARNT TO PLAY CLARINET?

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano forher birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?"I asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can t sing."

24. TI SAO M TI HC CHI CLARINET?

Ba m ti gn y ngh hu. M ti lun mu n h c chi piano, v vy ba ti mua cho b mt ci trongngy sinh nht. Mt vi tun sau, ti hi b chi n nh th no.

, ba m tr l i cy n piano. Ba ni, ba thuyt phc m thay vo chuyn sang chi clarinet.Sao vy? ti hi.

V, ng tr li, vi mt cy clarinet, m khng th ht.

25. PREGNANT

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid anyregrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyesstare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, andgives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, shewill let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don t think about itagain."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money andleaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with muchdisappointment,

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife s face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husbandcame over here... I only charged him fifty..."

25. C BU

V v mang bu thng th tm nn ngi chng phi ng trn nn nh trnh bt c sai st ng ticno vn kh d xy ra, v anh ta tng liu lnh trong mt lc cho n lc y...

Ngay tr c khi nm xung ging, ngi v lic nhn chng v thy anh chng ti nghip co mnh trnsn nh, mt m to trng trng vo khong khng y ham mun tuyt vng...

Cm thy t i nghip cho ch ng, v m ngn ko trn cng ca t, l y ra mt t gi y bc n m mi la v a cho anh ta, , cng ca em qu bu n ... y, cm ci ny v i ti c k bn nh, c ta s choanh ng vi c ta m nay ... v nh rng vic ny ch xy ra mt ln thi ... c ch? ... ng ngh tiiu ln na nh.

Ng i chng trn mt trong s hoi nghi, nhng s rng v c th thay i kin, anh ta cm tin vnhanh chng ri i. Mt vi pht sau, anh ta quay li, a t bc li cho v v ni vi nhiu tht vng:

C ta ni nh vy th khng , c ta mun su chc.

Khun mt ngi v dn d n bng v gin, Con ch ci ng nguyn ra ... khi n c bu v chngn i qua y ... tao ch i chng n c nm chc...

26. MILLIONAIRE

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he beforeyou married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire..."

26. TRIU PH

Mt ph n ni vi bn:Chnh ti l ngi lm chng ti thnh mt triu ph. V ng l g trc khibn ci ng? ngi bn hi.

Ng i ph n p:Mt t ph...

27. MALE LOGIC

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. Sheshould be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for awhile contemplating...then slowly rose.

"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is it...themachine s or mine?"

27. LOGIC N NG

Mt ng i n ng v v anh ta ang trong ta n ly d. Vn l ai s gim h a tr.

Ngi v nhy ln v ni:Tha qu ngi, ti a a tr vo th gii ny trong cc nhc v cn au.N ng ra phi trong s gim h ca ti.

Quan ta quay qua ngi chng v ni:ng phi ni g bi n h? Ngi n ng ngi xung trmngm mt hi ... sau t t ng dy.

Th a qu ngi, nu ti t mt la vo my bn hng v mt lon Pepsi i ra ... lon Pepsi l ca ai ...ca my hay ca ti?

28. MEDICAL MIRACLE

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn tfeeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you re going to be a mother." "Get seriousdoctor, I m 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you area medical miracle."

"I ll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around thecorner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who s calling please?"

28. PHP L Y HC

Mt b lo 80 tui ci mt ng lo 85 tui. Sau su thng chung sng, b lo cm thy khng khe vb i bc s. Bc s khm v ni:Xin chc mng, bc Jones, bc s l mt b m.

Hy nghim tc, bc s, ti 80 tui.

Chu bit, bc s ni,sng nay, chu hn s ni iu ny b t kh, nhng chiu nay bc l mt php ly hc. Ti s b nguyn ra, b lo tr li v i xc ra khi phng mch. B i xung hnh lang vquanh gc nh ni in thoi. Trong mt cn gin, b quay s gi chng.

Hello, b nghe ging ngp ngng quen thuc ca ng. B la ln:ng CH i bi. ng lm timang thai.

Trn ng dy ngng li mt t. Cui cng, chng b tr li:Xin vui lng cho bit ai ang gi?

29. SPEEDING...

A Guy and his wife are driving a car along a twisty road with a 55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over."Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the cop.

"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up someone else or something, but my speedometerwas set right on 55."

Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I ve told you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped if youdidn t slow down."

"Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy.

"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop. "Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."

Wife says, "That card s no good and you know it. You haven t paid the last premium and the companysent you a cancellation notice."

"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut the hell up for once"

"Ma am," says the cop, "Does this guy always talk to you like this?" "Only when he s been drinking."

29. CHY QU TC ...

Mt g n ng v v ang li mt chic xe hi trn con ng trn con ng khc khuu c gii hntc 55 dm/gi. Cnh st lnh cho anh ta dng vo v ng.

ng chy khong 70 trong gii hn 55 pha sau kia, cnh st ni.

Khng phi ti, g ni, c th radar cc ng qut ai khc hoc vt g , nhng cng t mt ca tich ng 55.

Ngi v ni to ln:anh chy 70. Em ni anh gim 20 dm anh s b dng nu anh khng chy chmxung. Cm m b li! g lm bm.

Ti c th xem giy t bo him khng? cnh st hi. c, th ca ti ngay trong bp ti.

V ni:Th khng thch hp v anh bit vy. Anh cha tr tin ph bo him va ri v cng ty gi anh mt thng bo hy b.

M kip, g tht ln. B c chu cm ci mm ch cht c a b mt ln khng. Tha b, cnh stni, ng ny c lun ni vi b nh th ny khng?

Ch khi ng y ung ru.

30. ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic andwanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her apeck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers andgot out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

30. LNG MN

Mt ti kia, mt cp v chng c tui ang nm trn ging. Ngi ch ng ri vo gic ng nhng ngiv cm thy tnh cm dng trong lng v mun ni chuyn. B ni:Anh thng cm tay em khi chng tayu nhau.

Mt cch mt mi, ng vn ngang tay, cm tay b trong mt giy, sau c quay li gic ng.

Mt lt sau b ni:Sau anh thng hn em. Hi bc dc, ng vn ngi qua, hn vi mt ci trnm v nm xung ng.]

Ba mi giy sau, b ni:Sau anh thng cn c em. in tit, ng qung tm tri ging v nhyra khi ging.

Anh i u? b hi. Ly hm rng!

31. FORGET IT

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife findsout?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said hiswife. "I ve tried that - it never worked."

31. QUN IU I

Hn nhn ca ti khng cn g th v na, Bill ni vi bn Doug.

Ti sao khng thm s ngoi tnh vo cuc i bn v c thm mt mi tnh? Doug ngh Nhng vti tm ra th sao?

qu, chng ta ang sng trong mt th i i mi, Bill . Hy th v ni vi c y v iu ! Th lBill v nh v ni:Cng, anh ngh mt mi tnh s lm cho chng ta gn nhau hn. Qun iu i,v ni. Em th ri cha bao gi hiu qu.

32. ON THE ROAD

After weeks on the road an over the road trucker pulled into a brothel.The trucker walked up to themadam, slapped $500.00 on the counter and demanded "Give me a bologna sandwich and the ugliest,meanest, most foul tempered woman in the house."

The madam looked at the trucker and exclaimed, "Sir for this kind of money you can have the best steakwith all the trimmings and two of the prettiest girls in the state."

The trucker slowly looked up and with a tear in his eye said, "You don t understand, I m not hungry orlooking for company, I m homesick!"

32. TRN NG I

Sau hng tun trn ng i, mt ti x xe ti chy vo m t nh ch a. ng ta bc ti b ch cha, p500 la trn quy v ra lnh:Cho ti mt sanwich bologna v mt em xu nht, hn h nht, tnh tnh

tm nht trong nh ny.

T b nhn ti x v la ln:Tha ng, vi s tin ny ng c th n mn steak ngon nht v hai em dthng nht bang.

Ti x t t nhn ln v vi git nc mt trong mt, anh ta ni:B khng hiu, ti khng i v tm bntnh, ti nh nh!

33. WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I m going fishing."

Really means...

"I m going to drink myself , and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by incomplete safety."

"Woman driver." Really means...

"Someone who doesn t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record thanme." "It s a guy thing."

Really means...

"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making itlogical." "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means...

Absolutely nothing. It s a conditioned response like Pavlov s dog drooling. "My wife doesn t understandme."

Really means...

"She s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain."

Really means...

"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you re working too hard." Really means...

"I can t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "It s a really good movie."

Really means...

"It s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That s women s work."

Really means...

"It s difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Go ask your mother."

Really means...

"I am incapable of making a decision." "I do help around the house."

Really means...

"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "I can t find it."

Really means...

"It didn t fall into my outstretched hands, so I m completely clueless."

33. IU N NG THC S NI

Ti s i cu c. Ngha thc s...

Ti s i ung ru mt mnh, v ng bn dng nc vi cn cu trong tay trong khi c bi bn cnhan ton tuyt i.

Ti x n. Ngha thc s ...

Ai khng chy nhanh, khng bm ui xe khc mt cch nguy him, khng c nhng c ch tc tuv c tin s li xe tt hn ti.

l mt vn n ng. Ngha thc s ...

Khng c mt kiu mu suy ngh l tr no kt ni vi n, v bn khng c c hi no lm n clogic. h, , cng, hoc Vng, em yu.

Ngha thc s...

Tuyt i chng c g. l mt phn x c iu kin nh ch ca Paplop chy nc di. V ti khnghiu ti.

Ngha thc s...

C y nghe t t c cc cu chuyn ca ti trc , v mt mi v chng. gii thch th qu di.

Ngha thc s...

Ti khng c kin g n xy ra nh th no. Hy tm ngh, cng, em lm vic qu nng. Ngha thcs...

Ti khng th nghe tr chi ca my ht bi. l mt phim hay thc s.

Ngha thc s...

N c sng, dao, xe phng nhanh, v Heather Locklear. l mt cng vic ph n.

Ngha thc s...

l mt cng vic kh khn, d bn, v khng c bit n. i hi m em.

Ngha thc s...

Anh bt lc trong vi c a ra mt quyt nh. Anh qu c gip trong vic nh.

Ngha thc s...

Anh mt ln t khn lau mt d vo r git . Anh khng th tm ra n.

Ngha thc s...

N khng ri vo i tay vn ra ca anh, v th anh hon ton khng c du vt.

34. LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, butspends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem withhis Father."

34. B JOHNNY

Gio vin ca b Johnny gi m t giy bo v cho m n, vit:Johnny c v l mt a b rt sng d,nhng dng qu nhiu th gi ca n ngh v tnh dc v gi.

Ngi m vit li vo hm sau:Nu c tm ra cch gii quyt, hy khuyn nh. Ti cng c cng vn vi ba n.

35. SEXWITH GAS

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a signsaying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his freesex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, nofree sex this time, but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and

again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess thecorrect number. The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, butno free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game isrigged, and he doesn t really give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it s not rigged...my wife won twice last week."

35. SEX VI DU XNG

C mt cy xng nh th vng qu lc hu c tng s bn, v th ng ch t mt tm bng: xngc sex min ph. Chng bao lu, mt khch hng gh xe vo, xng, sau hi sex min ph.

ng ch ni anh ta chn mt s t 1 ti 10, v nu anh ta on ng, anh ta s c chi min ph.

Sau ng i mua on 8 v ng ch ni:Khng ng, nhng gn ng. S l 7. Xin li, ln nykhng c chi min ph, nhng ln ti th c th.

Mt khong thi gian sau , cng ng i n ng , ln ny i cng v i bn, cng gh vo xng, vli ln na anh ta hi sex min ph. ng ch li a anh ta ci th nh trc, v ni anh ta on ng cons.

Ngi n ng ln ny on s 2 v ng ch ni:Xin li, l 3. ng gn ng, nhng khng chi minph ln ny c.

Trong khi h li i, ti x ni vi bn:Ti ngh rng tr ny l la o, v ng ta khng thc s cho chimin ph.

Ngi bn p:Khng, n khng phi tr la o ... v ti c hai ln tun qua.

36. TRAILING MY HUSBAND

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane s face. "Aha! I ve got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he wasdoing?" "No ma am." replied the sleuth. "It s pretty clear that he was following you."

36. THEO DI CHNG

Nh vy, Jane hi vin thm t c thu, anh theo du chng ti ch?

ng, tha b. Ti theo. Ti theo anh y ti mt bar, ti mt nh hng xa ng v sau ti mtcn h. M t n ci r rng hin ra trn mt Jane. Aha! Ti bt c lo ta! c ni mt cch hh.C g ng ng lo ta ang lm g khng?

Khng, tha b, thm t tr l i. Tnh hnh kh r rng l anh y ang theo b.

37. APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for hisdrivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. Hetold the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to gohome and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Securityapplication. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the SocialSecurity office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

37. NP N AN SINH X HI

Mt qu ng v hu i vo vn phng an sinh x hi np n.

Sau khi i trong hng mt lc lu, ng ta i t i bn nhn n. Ngi ph n ng sau bn hi ng tabng li xe thm tra tui. ng ta nhn vo nhng ci ti v nhn ra ng ta bp nh. ng ta nivi ngi n b rng ng ta rt ly lm tic nhng nhng ng c v nh bp nh. Ti s phi vnh v quay li by gi khng? ng ta hi.

Ngi ph n ni:Hy ci nt o s mi ng ra.

V th ng ta ci o s mi ng ta cho thy nhiu si lng bc xon.

B ta ni:Si lng bc trng trn ngc ng l bng chng cho ti, v b ta gii quyt n xin ansinh x hi ca ng.

Khi ngi n ng v nh, ng ta xc ng k cho v nghe v iu ng tri qua vn phng an sinh xhi. B ta ni:ng m ci qun ng ra th ng c xem l b mt kh nng na.

38. TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the PortlandFair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Martha, I d like to get a ride in that airplane." And everyyear, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and ten dollars is tendollars."

So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I m 71 years old, and if I don t go this time I may never go." Marthareplies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I ll make you a deal. I ll take you both up for a ride. If youcan stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won t charge you. But just ONE WORDand it s ten dollars."

They agree and up they go ... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word isheard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to getyou to holler out, but you didn t."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is tendollars."

38. MI LA L MI LA

Stumpy Grinder v v Martha Portland, Maine(Hoa K). Hng nm h i ti hi ch Portland v hngnm Stumpy ni:Em bit khng, Martha, anh mun ci trn my bay . V mi nm, Martha thngni:Em bit, Stumpy, nhng ci my bay tn 10 la ... v mi la l mi la.

V vy mt nm kia, Stumpy ni:Martha, anh 71 tui, v nu anh khng i ln ny anh c th khngbao gi i c na. Martha tr li:Stumpy, ci my bay ch l mi la ... v mi la lmi la.

n nh th, vin phi cng khi nghe lm v ni:Hai bc, chu s tha thun vi hai bc. Ti s ahai bc b i my bay. Nu hai bc c th im lng trong sut cuc chi v khng ni MT LI th chus khng tnh tin hai bc. Nhng ch mt li v nh th l 10 la.

H ng v h ln my bay ... vin phi cng lm mi vng xon v quo, ln vng v b nho, nhngkhng c li no c nghe. ng ta lm nh vy mt ln na, nhng khng c t no ... v vy ng ta hcnh.

ng ta quay qua Stumpy khi h dng li v ni:Tri i, chu lm mi th chu c th ngh ti lmcho hai bc ku ln, nhng hai bc khng ku.

V Stumpy tr li:, ti sp ku ln ci g khi Martha rt ra ... nhng mi la l mi la.

39. WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problemdisappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than thisone ?"

39. MI KHI C S C

Chng: Em lun em hnh anh trong ti mang ti c quan.Sao vy?

V: M i khi c s c , khng cn bit kh gii quy t nh th no, em nhn vo hnh anh v s c binmt. Chng: Em xem, anh k diu v mnh m nh th no i vi em?

V: ng, em nhn hnh nh ca anh v t nh:S c no khc c th ln hn s c ny? n ng vn b

40. MESSAGE FOR ALL OF YOU SINGLES

This is a message for all of you singles.

Is life getting you down?

Guys, have you been getting depressed because there is simply not enough women to go around?

And ladies, are you tired of the guys being to afraid to ask you out?

Well here it is, the answer to everyone s deepest wish! Here is "The Guide

to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumping lies translated to their true eanings for all of you.

"I m not ready for that type of commitment"

Translation: I don t want to date you; however, you can take me out to dinner and a movie every once in awhile. Just don t hang around me so much that you scare away the people I really want to date.

"God doesn t want me to date right now. "

Translation: I don t know why I said yes in the first place. God doesn t want me to date someone as uglyas you.

"I only date older men/women."

Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do. "You re just not my type."

Translation: When I look at you, and think of kissing you, I get physically sick. "You re too good for me."

Translation: I m too good/much cool for you. "You re too much like a brother/sister"

Translation: I like you, but you just don t turn me on. "You ll always have a special place in my heart."

Translation: My lawyer will contact you soon about the restraining order. "I think we should date otherpeople."

Translation: Look, I m late for my date, he/she s probably waiting in the parking lot. I ve got to go.

"I just don t have the time to date anyone."

Translation: You DO realize that I ve been avoiding you for months now...

"Maybe we can get together real soon."

Translation: Perhaps if you were the last man/woman on Earth.

40. THNG IP CHO TT C CC BN NHNG NGI C THN

y l thng ip cho tt c cc bn nhng ngi c thn. Cuc sng c lm cc bn bun khng?

Cc bn nam, cc bn chn nn v n gin l khng c ph n giao du ? V cc bn n, ccbn c nhm chn vi nhng bn trai ngi mi bn i chi?

y r i, cu tr l i cho c mong su kn nht ca mi ngi! y l Hng dn cho vic b t chi.y l 10 li di gian t chi c dch ra chn ngha cho tt c cc bn.

Em khng sn lng cho kiu tn tnh

Dch: Ti khng mun hn h vi anh; tuy nhin, anh c th thnh thong a ti i ch i n t i vxem phim. Ch ng ln qun quanh ti qu nhiu n ni lm nhng ngi khc nhng ngi m tithc s mun hn h hong s.

Cha khng mun em/anh lm mt ci hn ngay by gi.

Dch: Ti khng bit sao ti ni c ni u tin.Cha khng mun ti hn h vi mt ngi xu xnh anh/em.

Em ch hn h vi nhng ngi ln tui hn.

Dch:Ti ch hn h v i nhng ngi ln tui hn, nhng ngi c nhiu tin hn anh. Em/anh khngphi l tup ngi nh ti

Dch: Khi ti nhn vo em/anh, v ngh ti vic hn em/anh, ti pht bnh tht s. Anh/em qu tt ivi ti.

Dch:Ti hon ton/rt lnh m i vi anh/em. Anh /em rt ging anh trai/em gi em/anh.

Dch: Ti mn anh/em, nhng anh/em khng lm ti yu c. Anh/em lun c mt v tr c bit trongtim em/anh.

Dch: Lu t s ca ti s mau gp anh/c v lnh ngn gi. Em/anh ngh chng ta nn hn ngi khc.

Dch: Hy xem, ti tr hn, anh y/c y hu nh chc chn ang i bi u xe. Ti phi i. Em chkhng c thi gi hn vi bt c ai.

Dch: Anh phi nhn ra rng ti trnh mt anh trong nhiu thng nay Chng ta c th gn gi nhau

trong thi gian sp ti thc s.

Dch: C l anh/em l ngi n ng/ n b cui cng trn Tri t.

Tp 2

41. HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For WomenOnly." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor,and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It s easy to decide since each floorhas a sign telling you what s inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn t goodenough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to dobetter, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get allexcited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they aremissing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there isno way to please a woman."

41. LM SAO LM VA LNGMT PH N

Mt nhm b n gi ang k ngh th h thy mt khch sn 5 tng vi mt tm bin :Ch dnh choph n. V h khng c bn trai v chng nn h quyt nh i vo.

Tay bo k, mt g rt hp dn, gii thch cho h khch sn ho t ng ra sao. Chng ti c 5 tng.i ln tng tng, v khi cc bn tm ci g cc bn ang tm kim, cc bn c th .Quyt nh tngno th d v mi tng c mt tm bin cho bn bit ci g trong.

Nghe vy, h b t u i ln v trn tng th nht, tm bin :Tt c n ng tng ny u ln vthng. Nhm bn ci v khng i ln tng k tip khng do d.

Tm bin tng th hai :T t c n ng y u ln v p trai. Cng vy, tng ny vn khng hay, v th nhm bn li tip tc i ln trn.

H ti tng th ba v tm bin : Tt c n ng y u cao v thng. H vn mun hn, vnh th, bit vn cn hai tng na, h tip tc i ln trn.

tng th t, tm bin ghi tuyt ho:Tt c n ng y u cao v p trai. Nhm ph n tt c uphn chn v i vo th h nhn ra rng vn cn mt tng na.Ly lm ngc nhin mnh ang thiu ci g,h i ln tng n m.

y h tm thy tm bin :Khng c n ng y. Tng ny c xy dng ch chng t rngkhng c cch no lm hi lng mt ph n.

42. UGLY BABY

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver says, "That s the ugliest baby I ve ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driverinsulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he s a public servant and shouldn t say things to insultpassengers." "You re right" she said. "I think I ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

42. A B XU X

Mt ph n i ln xe but vi mt a b b trn tay. Ti x ni: l a b xu nht m ti tngthy.

Trong cn bc tc, ngi ph n qung tin v vo thu tin v ngi vo mt chic gh gn sau xe.Ngi n ng ngi gn ch ta hiu rng ch ta ang b kch ng v hi ch ta iu g xy ra. Ti xlng m ti, ch ta ni a.

Ngi n ng thng cm v ni:Sao, anh ta lm dch v cng cng v khng nn ni nhng iu lngm hnh khch.

Anh ng , ch ta ni.Ti ngh ti s i ngc ln trn v ni toc ra vi anh ta. l kin hayngi n ng ni.Ny, hy ti b con kh ca ch.

43. WHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ?

George and Harriet were married twenty- five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas.When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt,became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, thatyoung woman, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she s a prostitute."

"I don t believe you. That sweet young lady?" "Let s go up to our room and I ll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. "Now," hesaid, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough

to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you re interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basicrate, $100 tips for special services."

George was taken aback. " $125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively."You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can t do business.Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can t believe it." George said, "Let s forget it. Well go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,"See what you get for $25?"

43. ANH C G VI 25 LA?

George v Harriet ci nhau c 25 nm.H quyt nh lm l k nim bng mt chuyn i ch i Las Vegas.Khi h bc vo khch sn/sng bi v ng k, mt ph n tr hp dn mc mt chic vy rtngn tr nn rt thn thin vi h.George gt c ta mt cch hi khim nh.

Harriet phn i: George, ngi ph n tr d thng, v anh tht khim nh. Harriet, c ta l mtgi im.

Em khng tin anh.Ngi ph n tr hp dn ? Chng ta hy i ln phng v anh s chng minhiu .

Trong phng h, George gi xung quy v gi Bambi n phng 1217.

By gi, anh ta ni, em np trong phng tm, ca m ra ch nghe anh v c ta, c ch? Cv lm theo.Chng bao lu, c mt ting g ca. George m ra v Bambi i vo, ong a hng mt cchkhu gi.

Nh v y, sau h t, em th y anh ch , c ta ni. George hi:C tnh bao nhiu?

125 gi nn, 100 buc boa phc v c bi t. George sng st:125 ! Ti ang cn nhc vi c25 .

Bambi ci giu:Anh hn phi l mt g nh qu thc s nu anh ngh anh c th mua c sex vi gi. Thi, George ni,ti cho l chng ta khng th lm vic .Tm bit.

Sau khi c ta i, Harriet i ra khi phng tm. Em khng th tin c. George ni:Chng ta hy qun

iu i.Chng ta s i ung, sau n cm.

Ti quy, trong khi h ang nhm nhp ccty, Bambi i n ng sau George, kn o ch vo Harriet vni:Xem anh c g vi 25 ?

44. IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GIRL

A friend asked me the other day why i never got married.

I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I ve been looking for the perfect girl.""Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl

that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really evermet. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn t you marry her?" asked my friend.

I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

44. TI TM KIMMT C GI HON HO

Mt ngy kia, mt ngi bn hi ti ti sao ti khng ci v.

Ti tr li:, ti on rng ti khng bao gi gp mt ph n mong mun Ti c chng ti tmkim mt c gi hon ho.

, tip tc i no, bn ti ni. Chc chn anh gp t nht mt c gi anh mun ci.

ng, c mt c mt ln. Ti c chng c ta l mt c gi hon ho mt c gi hon ho duy nhtti tng gp thc s. Mi th c ta u ng Ti thc s mun ni rng c ta l c gi hon ho ivi ti.

L qu, ti sao bn khng ci c ta? bn ti hi.

Ti nhn vai v tr li: C ta mong ch mt ngi n ng hon ho.

45. TWO DEALERS AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE LADY

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet$20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don t mind, but I feel much luckier when I m bottomless."

With that, she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a newpair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! IWIN!"

With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each otherdumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don t know! I thought YOU were watching!"

45. HAI NGI CHIA BI V MT PH N RT HP DN

Hai ngi chia bi mt mi ang ngi i ti bn x ngu. Mt ph n rt hp dn bc vo v munnh mt vn 20.000 la trong mt c th x ngu duy nht.

Nng ni:Em hy vng hai anh khng ngi, nhng em ngh s may mn hn nhiu khi em khng y.Theo li ni, nng ci kha thn t eo xu ng, ri gieo x ngu vi ting reo:M cn mt ci qun mi!Sau nng nhy ln xung v m v hn hai ngi chia bi.NG! EM THNG! EM THNG!

Vi li ni , nng m tin v qun o v ri i nhanh chng.Hai ngi chia bi nhn nhau chm chpcht ing. Cui cng mt trong hai ngi hi:D sao i na th c ta gieo s my?

Ng i kia p:Ti khng bit! Ti ngh ANH ang canh!

46. BEFORE I MARRY SARAH

Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah next Saturday, there s something I d like to get off my chest."Doctor: "What s that?"

Patient: "A tattoo saying I love Alice. "

46. TRC KHI TI CI SARAH

Bnh nhn: Bc s, trc khi ti ci Sarah th by ti, ti mun ly mt th ra khi ngc. Bc s: Ci l ci g?

Bnh nhn:Mt hnh xm c ch Ti yu Alice.

47. DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Severalmen stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and interestedin a date with a good girl?"

47. BC S TRONG NH HT

Mt ging ni cng thng vng ra xuyn qua bng ti rp ht: Xin vui lng cho bit c mt bc s trongnh ht khng?!

Mt s n ng ng ln trong khi n bt sng.

Mt ng i n b c tui ko ngi con gi ng cnh b ta:Tt, bc s cc anh c ai cn c thn vthch se duyn vi mt c gi sng gi khng?

48. TWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical andthe other one was known as Sister Logical. It was getting dark and they were still far away from theconvent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SisterMathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It s logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It s not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk fastertoo. Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I ll go this way. He cannotfollow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worriedabout what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister

Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.

Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn t follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SisterMathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What didyou do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! Whatdid the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! Whathappened then?

Sister Logical: Isn t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with hispants down........

48. HAI MA-X TRN NG I

Hai ma-x ri tu vin i bn bnh. Mt ngi tn l X Ton Hc v ngi kia tn l X Logic. Triang ti dn v h vn cn cch xa tu vin.

X Logic: X c ch thy mt ngi n ng i theo sau chng ta trong na gi qua khng? XTon hc: , v ti t hi hn mun g.

X Logic: Theo logic, hn mun hip chng ta.

X Ton h c: Oi, khng! Vi ny th cao lm 15 pht na hn s bt kp chng ta. Chng ta c thlm g ? X Logic: D nhin, vic duy nht theo logic cn lm l i nhanh hn.

X Ton hc: iu khng hiu qu.

X Logic: D nhin iu khng hiu qu. Hn cng lm theo vic duy nht theo logic. Hn cng btu i nhanh hn.

X Ton hc: Th th chng ta s lm g? Vi ny hn s bt kp chng ta trong mt pht.

X Logic: Vic duy nht theo logic chng ta c th lm l tch i ra. X i ng v ti s i ngny. Hn khng th i theo hai ta.

Do vy g n ng quyt nh theo x Logic. X Ton hc v n tu vin v lo lng v s vic xy ra chox Logic. Sau x Logic v, th hn hn v mt.

X Ton hc: X Logic! T n Cha x v y. Hy k ti nghe iu g xy ra!

X Logic: iu duy nht theo logic xy ra. Hn khng th theo hai ta, v th hn theo ti. X Ton hc:ng, ng! Nhng sau iu g xy ra?

X Logic: Ti bt u chy nhanh nht m ti c th v hn bt u chy nhanh nht m hn c th. XTon hc: Sau ?

X Logic: iu duy nht theo logic xy ra. Hn bt kp ti. X Ton hc: tri i! X lm g?

X Logic: Lm iu duy nh t theo logic. Ti ko vy ln. X Ton hc: Oi, x! Hn lm g?

X Logic: Lm iu duy nht theo logic. Hn tut qun hn xung. X Ton hc: Oi, khng! Chuyn gxy ra tip theo?

X Logic: iu khng logic sao, x? Mt n tu s vi chic vy ko ln c th chy nhanh hn mt gn ng vi chic qun tut xung

49 .GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What s the problem,Eve?"

"Lord, I know you ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderfulanimals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I m just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I m sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What s a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He ll lie,cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all,he ll give you a hard time. But, he ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will looksilly aroused, but since you ve been complaining, I ll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy yourphysical needs. He ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. Hewon t be too smart, so he ll also need your advise to think properly.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What s the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What s that, Lord?"

"As I said, he ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . So you ll have to let him believe that I madehim first . . .

So, just remember . . . it s our secret . . . Woman to woman."

49. CHA V EVA TRN VN A NG

Mt ngy kia trn vn a ng, Eva gi Cha Cha, con c vn ! Vn g, Eva?

Ly Cha, con bit ngi to ra con v to ra khu vn p v tt c nhng con th tuyt diu, vcon rn vui nhn kia, nhng con tht khng vui.

Ti sao, Eva? c ting ni t trn cao.

Tha Cha, con c n. Con chn ngn nhng tri to.

, Eva, vy th ta c mt cch. Ta s to mt ngi n ng cho con. Ly Cha, mt ngi n ngl g?

Ngi n ng ny s l mt to vt khng hon thin, c nhiu tnh x u. Anh ta s ni d i, la g t vhay khoe khoang; ni chung, anh ta s khng lm con vui sng. Nhng anh ta s vm v hn, nhanhhn v s thch i sn v git th vt. Anh ta trng c v gi s ng ngn, nhng v con than th, ta st o anh ta theo cch anh ta s lm con hi lng v nhng i hi th cht ca con. Anh ta s khng khnngoan v s say sa nhng th tr con nh nh nhau v banh lung tung. Anh ta s khng qu thngminh, v th anh ta cng cn li khuyn ca con suy ngh ng n.

Tuyt qu, Eva ni vi mt bn lng my nhn ln ma mai. Cn vic nh la anh ta th sao, thangi?

, con c th lm vic vi iu kin. iu kin g, tha ngi?

Nh ta ni, anh ta s kiu hnh, ngo mn v t ho V th con s phi lm anh ta tin rng ta to raanh ta trc V th, hy nh l b mt ca chng ta Ph n vi nhau.

50. THEWANTED AD RESPONDENT

1. RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THEFOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

2. WON T BEAT ME UP

3.WON T RUN AWAY

4. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons ofmail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs,lying on the mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I ve got no arms, so I can t beatyou up and I ve got no legs, so I can t run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you re so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang thedoorbell, didn t I?"

50. LI P CHO QUNG CO TM CHNG

QU PH GIU C TM NGI N NG CHIA S CUC I V TI SN VI NHNGPHM CHT SAU:

1. KHNG NH TI

2. KHNG B I

3. PHI TUYT VI TRN GI NG

Trong vi thng, i n thoi b ta gi lin tc, chung ca reo lin tc, b ta nh n hng tn th ... tt cu khng c li g. Khng c ngi n ng no c v p ng c nhng phm cht b ta a ra.

Sau mt ngy kia chung ca hy cn reo tr li. B ta m ca thy mt ngi n ng, khng taykhng chn, nm trn mt tm thm. Cm thy kh hiu, b ta hi:ng l ai v ng mun g?

Xin cho, ngi n ng ni. Cuc tm kim ca b qua v ti l ngi n ng b m c.Tikhng c tay, v vy ti khng th nh b v ti khng c chn nn ti khng th b i.

Ngi ph n ln tui h i:iu g lm ng ngh ng rt tuyt vi trn gi ng? i vi cu hi ngta tr li:Ti bm chung ca, phi khng?

51. ASKING PERMISSION

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can t live without me, and she wants to marry me." "Andyou re asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I m asking you to make her leave me alone."

51. XIN PHP

Tha bc, con gi bc ni yu chu, v c y khng sng c nu khng c chu, v c y mun cichu. V anh ang xin ti ci n ?

Khng, chu ang hi bc lm sao cho c y b mc chu .

52. I TOOKWHAT I WANT

One summer s evening Paddy & Mick are on their way to the pub for their usual drink.

"Im a bit tired tonight," says Mick. "I think I ll just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a littlesleep. You can wake me up on your way home later."

"Right, you are," says Paddy, and they separate.

At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick from hisditch. He hasn t gone far when Mick rolls up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo.

"Where did you get that lovely car from?!" asks Paddy, astonished.

"Well, I ll tell you. It was like this," says Mick. "There I was lying in the ditch having a nice snooze and Ihad just turned over onto me other side when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvo and asks me ifI d like to come for a drive with her. Well, I thought, why not? It s a lovely evening for a drive. So in I got.She drove along for a bit and then turned off into a field. She got out of the car, took off all her clothesand said,

"Take what you want!" So I took the Volvo.

52. TI LM CI TI MUN

Mt bui ti h, Paddy v Mick trn ng ti qun ru nhu nh thng l.

Ti nay ti h i mt, Mick ni. Ti ngh ti s nm ng mt t ch ng ny. Bn c th nh thc tidy sau trn ng v nh.

c, i i, Paddy ni v h r i.

Ti hm , Paddy i ra khi qun ru v bt u i ngc li n Mick t ch nm ng. Anh icha xa th Mick thnh lnh xut hin bn cnh li mt chic Volvo lng cong.

Bn ly chic xe hi p ny t u vy! Paddy kinh ngc hi.

, ti s k . N ging th ny, Mick ni. Ti ang nm ch ng nh mt gic ng ngn ngonlnh v ti mi ch tr mnh sang pha kia th m t qu b d th ng nh xe Volvo p v mi n vh i ti c mun i mt vng vi nng khng. , ti ngh t i sao khng. M t ti p tri do mtvng. Vy l ti ln xe. Nng li xe i mt chp v sau ngoc ra cnh ng. Nng bc ra khi xe, ciht qun o v ni:

Ly ci anh mun! V th ti ly chic Volvo.

53. VENGEANCE

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; theyenjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both goto the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the westcoast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she wouldtake weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn t take this very well and increased hiscalls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a newboyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend s and sent it to herold boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, thisguy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college,please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

53. BO TH

M t i tnh nhn hc sinh trung hc cng h c bn nm u cn tn; h bit mi s nh mt trinh titvi nhau lp 10. Khi h tt nghip, h mu n c hai vo cng trng cao ng nhng c gi c vomt trng cao ng b ng (nc M) v chng trai i n b ty. H ng chung thy vi nhau vs cng nhau mi khi h c th.

Th i gian tri qua, chng trai th ng gi c gi v c khng bao gi c mt nh, v khi anh vit th,c thng mt hng tun tr li th. Thm ch khi anh email, c cng mt nhiu ngy tr li thngip.

Cui cng, c th nhn vi anh c mun hn h yu ng lung tung. Anh khng xem vic ny quantrng v tng cng in thoi, th t v email, c ginh li tnh yu ca c. Bi c tr nn bc mnh, vby gi c bn trai mi nn c mun vt b anh ra pha sau.

V vy, iu c lm nh sau: c chp mt bc nh c ang lm tnh vi b n trai mi v gi ti bn traic vi mt li ghi:Em tm mt bn trai m i, hy mc em. A, khng cn ni, chng trai ny tannt ci lng, thm ch cn hn th, tr nn say sa. Vi th iu tip theo anh lm l rt kinh khng.

Anh ta vit trn mt sau c a t m nh dng ch sau:Ba m yu qu, con sng rt vui v trong trng caong, xin gi thm tin cho con! v gi bc hnh ti ba m c gi.

54. RAVISHING GIRL AND 3 MEN

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join inconversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet, and then the girl pulls up herdress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I ll show you my thighs." Men being whatthey are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girlsays, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, allthree fork over the money. Then the girl turns to the

window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

54. C GI CC K HP DN V 3 NGI N NG

Trong mt ngn xe l a, c 3 ngi n ng v mt c gi tr cc k hp dn. C bn ngi cng havo mt cuc ni chuyn m chng bao lu sau chuyn sang chuyn gi tnh.

Sau , c gi tr ngh:Nu m i ngi trong s cc anh a em 1 la th em s cho cc anh thychn em. Ba ng i n ng, b m hoc bi c gi tr ny, tt c li mt la ra khi ti h, v sau

c gi ko vy ln mt t cho thy cp chn nng.

Sau nng ni:Nu mi trong s qu ng cc anh a em 10 la, em s cho cc anh thy i em.n ng l n ng, c 3 ngi u li ra t 10 la. C gi ko ht vy cho n lt.

Cuc ni chuyn tip tc, v ba ngi n ng, c phn b kch thch, tt c u ci o ngoi. Sau cgi tr ni:Nu cc anh a em 100 la th em s cho cc anh thy ni em b m rut tha. Mt ccht nhin, c ba ngi u a tin. Sau c gi quay qua ca s v ch mt bnh vin xa v ni:!

55. INDECENT PROPOSAL

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn tknow for one million dollars?"

She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I don tknow for a million dollars."

The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"

Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"

The man states, "Well, we ve already established the fact that you re a whore. Now I m just haggling overthe price."

55. LI NGH KHIM NH

Mt ngi n ng i ti mt ph n trong mt bar v ni:Xin li, c c ng vi mt ngi n ng ckhng quen ly mt triu la khng?

C ta suy ngh v li ngh trong mt pht, sau tr li:, ti s ng vi mt ngi n ng tikhng quen ly mt triu la.

Sau ngi n ng hi:Vy c c ng vi ti ly nm mi xu khng?

B xc phm, ngi n b tr li:D nhin khng! Lm th no ng c th hi ti mt vic nh v y?Ng i n ng ni:, chng ta to c s kin l c l mt con . By gi ti ch tr gi m thi.

56. IM DYING FROM AIDS

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father andson that the father was dying from cancer.

The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its ourtradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father seessome old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, whydid you lie to those men?"

The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don t want those guys shagging your mom when I mgone."

56. TI S CHT V AIDS

Mt ngi con trai v cha i khm bc s v ng cha ang b bnh nng. Bc s ni vi ngi cha vngi con trai rng ngi cha ang s cht v ung th.

Ngi cha, l mt ngi Ai len, quay qua a con trai v ni:Con, ngay c trong ngy u m ny th truyn thng ca chng ta l nhu chc sc kh e khi chng ta cht, v th hy i ti qun nhu v n tic chos qua i ca ba. Mt cch min cng, ng i con trai i theo ng i cha t i mt qun nhu trongvng. , h thng thc ru bia, ngi cha gp mt s bn c v ni vi h ng s cht v AIDS.

B sc, ng i con trai quay qua ngi cha v ni:Tha ba, ba khng cht v AIDS, m v ung th, tisao ba ni lo nhng ngi ny?

Ngi cha o:A, con ta, con ng, nhng ba khng mun nhng g ny quan h tnh dc vi m conkhi ba ra i.

57. THE PROPOSAL

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthonyproposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn t even believe there s a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we ll show him just how wrong he is."

57. LI CU HN

Mt bui ti, mt c gi v nh tr, hi bun. C ta ni vi m:Anthony cu hn con mt ting trcy. Vy sao con bun? m c ta hi.

V anh y ni vi con anh y l mt ngi v thn. M , anh y thm ch khng tin c a ngc.

M c ta tr li:D sao cng ci anh ta i. Gia hai m con ta, chng ta s cho anh ta thy anh ta sailm nh th no.

Gia nh

58. INHERITANCE

59. Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The otherman said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.""That s not bad."

"Hold on, I m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and left meeighty-five thousand dollars."

"Sounds like you should be grateful."

"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?" "This week . . . nothing!"

58. THA K

Hai ngi bn gp nhau trn ng ph Miami. Mt ngi trng au kh, v gn nh khc. Ngi nng kia ni: Ny, lm th no m trng bn nh trong th gii ny sp vy?

Ngi b n bun b ni: ti k cho bn nghe.Ba tun trc y, mt ng bc cht v li cho tibn mi ngn la.

iu khng t.

Nghe tip ny, ti ch mi bt u. Hai tun trc, mt ngi anh h ti cha bao gi bit n chtngoo, v li cho ti tm mi lm ngn.

Coi b bn nn bit n anh y.

Tun qua b tr ti ra i. Ti tha k gn nh mt phn t triu. Vy th lm sao trng bn ru r quvy?

Tun ny ch ng c g ht!

59. HE HAS NO PLANS

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father tofind out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house formy daughter to live in, as she s accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will

concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don t worry, sir, God will provide,"replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that Godwill provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but he thinks I m God."

59. ANH TA KHNG C K HOCH NO C

Mt ph n tr dn ng i chng tng lai v nh gp cha m.Sau ba n, b m ni vi ngi cha tmhiu ngi thanh nin. Ngi cha mi con r tng lai ung ru.

Vy k hoch tng lai ca con l g? ngi cha hi ngi thanh nin. Con l nh nghin cu nmcun sch u ca Kinh Thnh, anh ta tr li.

Nh nghin cu nm cu n sch u ca Kinh Thnh. Hmmm, ngi cha ni. ng phc, nhng anhs lm g to cho con gi ti mt ngi nh xinh nh n quen ri?

Con s nghin cu, ngi thanh nin tr li, v Cha s to cho chng con.

V anh s lm th no mua cho n mt chic nhn nh hn p nh n ng c nh th ? ngi chahi. Con s tp trung vo cc nghin cu ca con, ngi thanh nin p, Cha s cho chng con.

V con ci? ng i cha hi. Anh s lm th no nui con? ng lo, tha bc, Cha s nui, ngchng tng lai p.

Cu chuy n c tip tc nh vy, v c m i ln ng i cha t cu hi th nh duy tm tr li qu quytCha s ban cho. Mt lt sau ngi m hi:Chuyn ra sao ri, anh yu?

Ng i cha tr l i:Anh ta khng c k hoch no c, nhng anh ta ngh anh l Cha.

60. MY THREE CHEAP SONS

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their threegrown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boyshad bothered to bring a gift,

and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You re all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legallymarried." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we re all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

60. BA A CON TRAI R TIN CA TI

Mt ng gi thng lu giu c v v lm l k nim 35 n m ngy c i v ba ngi con trai ln ca hcng d ba n ti. ng gi hi tc gin khi khm ph ra khng ai trong nhng ngi con trai quantm n mt mn qu v sau ba tic, ng ko ba ngi ng bn cnh.

Ti my tt c u l nhng ngi n ng trng thnh, ng ni, v ln nghe iu ny. Mti my v tao cha bao gi ci nhau chnh thc.

Ci g? m t trong nhng a con h hc ming kinh ngc. ba mun ni ti con tt c u l conhoang? ng, ng gi ngt li, v cn l nhng a r tin na!

61. THE GIFTS ...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed giftsthey were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? Andyou know that she can t see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot willrecite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean thewhole house."

"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use theMercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

61. NHNGMN QU

Ba ng i con trai ri gia nh, mi ngi mi ng v u pht ti. Lc cng nhau tr v, h bn bcv nhng mn qu h c th tng cho ngi m gi. Ng i u tin ni:Anh s xy mt cn nh lncho m chng ta. Ngi th hai ni:Em s gi cho m mt chic Mercedes cng vi ti x.

Ngi th ba ci v ni:Ha, em s hn hn hai anh. Hy nh m thch c Kinh Thnh nh th no?V hai anh bit rng m nhn khng tt? A, em s gi m mt con vt ng kinh ngc c th c thuclng c b Kinh Thnh.Mt 14 nm my bc huynh trng chc sc nh th dy n. M ch phi gitn chng sch v tit ra v con vt s c ln.

Chng bao lu sau , b m gi nhng l th cm n:

Adam, b vit cho mt a con, Cn nh con xy qu to. M ch sng trong mt phng nhng m philau c cn nh.

Jon, b vit cho a th hai, M qu gi i y v nh phn ln thi gian, v vy m him khidng chic Mercedes. V ti x th qu hn lo!

Gerald yu qu nht ca m, b vit cho a con th ba, Con c lng thc tt bit m thch g. Conchim tuyt ngon ...

62 .BANTER BIT

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I ve been insulted," she sobbed."Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you thismorning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: Dear Alice, don t forget to give this letter to George. "

62. MT T GIU CT

Ngi v tr y n c mt khi c m ca cho chng.Em va b xc phm, c nc n. M anh xcphm em. M anh! chng ku ln. Nhng b xa hng trm dm.

Em bit, nhng mt l th cho anh n sng nay v em m n.

Ngi chng trng c v cng rn:Anh bit, nhng li xc phm t u n?

Trong phn ti bt, c tr li. N c vit: Alice yu qu, ng qun a l th ny cho George.

63. MA, GUESS WHO IM GOING TO MARRY

A young man excitedly tells his mother he s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just forfun, Ma, I m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I m going to marry." Themother agrees.

The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and theychat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I m going to marry." She immediately replies,"the red-head in the middle."

He was surprised that his mother was able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The motherreplies, "I don t like her!"

63. M, ON XEM CON S CI AI

Mt thanh nin ho hc ni vi m anh ta anh ta yu v s ci v. Anh ta ni: lm vui, m, cons em v nh 3 ngi n b v m hy c on con s ci ai. Ngi m ng .

Ngy hm sau anh ta em v ba ph n p v nh v mi h ngi vo trng k v h tn gu mtlc.Sau anh ta ni:c ri, m. on th con s ci ai. B ta tr li ngay lp tc:C tc hoe gia.

Anh ta ngc nhin rng m anh ta c th on ng ngi ph n:Lm sao m bit?! B m p:Mkhng thch c ta!

64. GOING OUT IN STYLE ...

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him,"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which healso paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out whatwas going on.

"Well," said the other br