johnlennon64-65

8/13/2019 JohnLennon64-65

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JOHN LENNON IN HIS OWN WRITE(c) John Lennon, 1964

CONTENTS

Introduction

John Lennon in His Own Write

!rt"# $!%e

No &"ies on &r!n'

ood $o Nie"

*t the $enis

The &!t rowth on Eric He!r+"e

The Wrest"in $o

!ndo"-.s !rt#

The &!/ous &i%e throuh Woenow *++e#

S!d 0ich!e"

I W!ndered

* Letter

Scene three *ct one

Tre!sure I%!n

*"" *+ord Seechin

The &in"eto!d esort o- Teddi%iscious

*"ec Se!'in

Lidd#oo"

2ou 0iht We"" *rs'

Nice"# Nice"# C"i%e Ne%i""e C"u+


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The 0o"d# 0o"d# 0!n

3 On S!-!ir# with Whide Hunter

I S!t e"one"#

Henr# !nd H!rr#

$e!- Ted, $!noot!, (!nd /e)

* Surrise -or Litt"e o++# H!"+ut etur+

5nh!# &r!n'

On this Chur"# 0orn

ictor Triu/hs *!in

!nd 0rs We!ther+# Le!rns ! Lesson

I e/e/+er *rno"d

3 Written in conjugal with Paul

INTO$5CTION

*t Woo"ton %i""!e -ete I /et hi/7 I w!s ! -!t schoo"+o#

!nd, !s he "e!ned !n !r/ on /# shou"der, I re!"i8ed th!t he w!s

drun'7 We were twe"%e then, +ut, in site o- his side+o!rds, we

went on to +eco/e teen!e !"s7

*unt 0i/i, who h!d "oo'ed !-ter hi/ since he w!s so hih,

used to te"" /e how he w!s c"e%erer th!n he retended, !nd

thins "i'e th!t7 He h!d written ! oe/ -or the schoo" /!!8ine

!+out ! her/it who s!id

.!s +re!thin is /# "i-e, to sto I d!re not d!re7.

This /!de /e wonder riht !w!# : .Is he dee;. He wore "!sses

so it w!s ossi+"e, !nd e%en without the/ there w!s no ho"din

hi/7 .Wh!t .+us;. he wou"d s!# to how"s o- !reci!ti%e

"!uhter7

He went to


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!u"

7S7 I "i'e the dr!wins too7

JOHN LENNON IN HIS OWN WITE

he""o>

PARTLY DAVE

There once uon ! ti/e w!s ! /!n who w!s !rt"# $!%e : he

h!d ! /ission in "i-e7 .I./ !rt"# $!%e. he wou"d row/ in the

/ornin which w!s h!"- the +!tt"e7 O%er +re!'-!st he wou"d

!!in s!# .I !/ !rt"# $!%e. which !"w!#s unner%ed ett#7 .2our

in ! rut $!%e. ! %oice wou"d s!# on his w!# to wor', which

turned out to +e ! co"oured conductor> .It.s !"riht -or #ou7.

$!%e used to thin', "itt"e re!"i8in the co"oured ro+"e/7 !rt"# $!%e w!s ! r!%in s!"es/!n with the i-t o- the

?o+, which !"w!#s unner%ed 0!r#7 .I see/ to h!%e -orotten /#

+us -!re, Co++er,. s!id $!%e not re!"i8in it7 .erro-- the +us

then. s!id !su+ooo in ! %oice th!t +ode not +oot, not

re!"i8in the co"oured ro+"e/ hi/se"- re!""#7 .O7@7. s!id

!rt"# $!%e, hu/+"# not wishin to o--end7 .ut wou"d #ou "i'e

#our d!uhter to /!rr# one;. ! %oice see/ to s!# !s $!%e "et

o-- the +us "i'e ! +urnin s!stic7

NO FLIES ON FRANK


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There were no -"ies on &r!n' th!t /ornin : !-ter !"" wh#

not; He w!s ! resonsi+"e citi8en with ! wi-e !nd chi"d, w!sn.t

he; It w!s ! t#ic!" &r!n' /ornin !nd with !n !i"it# th!t

de-ies descrition he "e!t into the +!rthroo/ onto the sc!"es7

To his re!t h!ro"d he disco%ered he w!s twe"%e inches /oret!"" he!%#> He cou"dn.t +e"ie%e it !nd his +"ood r!ised to his

he!d c!usin ! /iht# red co"ourin7

.I c!rn.t not +e"ie%e this incredi+"e -!ct o truth !+out

/# %er# +od# which h!s not !ined -!t since /other +e!t /e !t

chi"d+urn7 2e!, thouh I w!rt throuh the %!"et o- th# sh!dow#

hut I wi"" -eed no nor/!n7 Wh!t r!te Au!"/s# h!th t!'en /e

thus into such ! -!tt# h!rd+uc'"e7.

*!in &r!n' "oo'ed down !t the !w-u" %ision which c"ouded

his e#es with -e!r-u" weiht7 .Twe"%e inches /ore he!%#, Lo>,+ut !/ I not /ore -!tt# th!n /# +rother eo--er# whose -!ther

*"ec c!/e -ro/ @enneth : throuh Les"ies, who +e!t *rthur, son

o- Eric, +# the house o- on!"d !nd *ri" : 'eeers o- J!/es o-

Newc!st"e who r!n 0!de"ine !t B:1 +# Si"%er &"ower, (1:B) !st

Wot:ro:Wot !t 4Dd ! ound;.

He ?ourne#ed downst!irs cr!st-!""en !nd de-ecti%e : !

re!t w!it on his +ou"ders : not e%en his wi-e.s +!ttered -!ce

cou"d r!ise ! s/i"e on oor &r!n'.s he!d : who !s #ou 'now h!d

no -"ies on hi/7 His wi-e, ! -or/er +e!ut# Aueer, re!rded hi/

with ! str!ne +ut +ur"# "oo'7

.Wh!t !i"s thee, &r!n';., she !s'ed stretchin her rune7

.2ou "oo' de?ected i- not in-or/!",. she !dd"ed7

.Tis nothin +ut w!rt I h!%e !ined +ut twe"%e inches /ore

t!"" he!%# th!n !t the %er# c"oc' o- #esterd!# !t this ti/e :

!/ I not the /ost /iser!+"e o- /en; Su--er #e not to s!'e to

/e or I /iht thrust #ou ! /ort!" in?ur#F I /ust tr!dd"e this

tri!" !"one7.

.Lo> &r!n' : thou h!st s/ote /e h!rsh"# with such r!%e

t!"' : !/ I to +"!/e -or this %!st +urton;. &r!n' "oo'ed s!d"# !t his wi-e : -orettin -or ! /o/ent

the c!use o- his /iser#7 W!"'in s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# tow!rd her,

he too' his he!d in his h!nds !nd with ! -ew swi-t +"ows h!d

c"u++ed her /erci-u""# to the round de!d7

.She shou"dn.t see /e "i'e this,. he /u++"ed, .not !"" -!t

!nd on her thirt#second +irthd!#7.

&r!n' h!d to et his own +re!'-!st th!t /ornin !nd !"so

on the -o""owin /ornins7

Two, (or w!s it three;) wee's "!ter &r!n' !w!'es !!in to-ind th!t there were Gsti""G no -"ies on hi/7

.No -"ies on this &r!n' +o#,. he thouhtF +ut to his


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!/!8e/ent there see/ed to +e ! "ot o- -"ies on his wi-e : who

w!s sti"" "#in !+out the 'itchen -"oor7

.I c!rn.t not !rt!'e o- +re!d !nd th!t with her "#in

!+out the "!ce,. he thouht !""owed, writin !s he so'e7 .I

/ust de"i%er her to her ho/e where she wi"" +e /!de we"co/e7.

He !thered her in ! s/!"" s!c' (-or she w!s on"# -our-oot three) !nd he!ded -or her riht-u" ho/e7 &r!n' 'noc'ed on

the door o- his wi-e.s /others house7 She oened the door7

.I.%e +rouht 0!ri!n ho/e, 0rs Suthers'i"". (he cou"d

ne%er c!"" her 0u/)7 He oened the s!c' !nd "!ced 0!ri!n on

the doorste7

.I./ not h!%in !"" those -"ies in /# ho/e,. shouted 0rs

Suthers'i"" (who w!s %er# houseroud), shuttin the door7 .She

cou"d h!%e !t "e!st o--ered /e ! cu o- te!,. thouht &r!n'

"i-tin the ro+"e/ +!c' on his +ou"ders7

GOOD DOG NIGEL

*r-, *r-, he oes, ! /err# siht,

Our "itt"e h!ir# -riend,

*r-, *r-, uon the "!/ost +riht

*r-in round the +end7

Nice do> oo +o#,

W!ie t!i" !nd +e,

C"e%er Nie", ?u/ -or ?o#

EC*5SE WE.E 5TTIN 2O5 TO SLEE

*T THEE O& THE CLOC@, NIEL7

AT THE DENIS

0!d!/ I h!%e ! h!""owed tooth th!t su--er /e r!te"#7

Sir S"# down in th!t "ech!ir 0!d!/ !nd oen #our

or+"e wide : #our /ouse is !"" +ut tooth"ess7

0!d!/ *"!d> I h!%e +ut eiht tooth re/!inin (eiht tooth

"e-t)7

Sir Then #ou h!%e "ost eiht# three7

0!d!/ I/oss#+"e7


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Sir E%er#do++# 'nows there !re -oor decisi%es two

c!n#ons !nd ten rundies, which /!'e thirst# two

in !""7

0!d!/ ut I h!%e done e%er#thin to s!%e /# tooth7

Sir erhu/s> +ut to no !%!ue7

0!d!/ *h> wh# did I not insu"t #ou sooner;

Sir To "!te, it /ust +e now or ne%i""e7

0!d!/ 2ou wi"" u"" it out -or /e then;

Sir No, /!d/!n, I wi"" ecrete it7

0!d!/ ut th!t is %er# !in-u""7

Sir Let /e see it : Cr!c'> there it +e /!d!rce7

0!d!/ ut sir I wished to 'ee (w!s !nious to 'ee) th!t

tooth7

Sir It w!s !"" +"!c' !nd /ood#, !nd the others !re too7

0!d!/ 0erc# : I wi"" h!%e none toe!t with soon7

Sir * -ree N!st# He!th set is ood, !nd #ou wi"" "oo'

thirt# #e!rs ?un"e7

0!d!/ (*side) Thirt# #e!rs ?un"eF (*"oud) Sir I !/ no

c!tho"ic, u"" out !"" /# stu/s7

Sir O7@7 u//#7

THE FAT GROWTH ON ERIC HEARBLE

One -!t /ornin Eric He!r+"e w!'e u with !n !+nor/!n -!t

rowth ! +o/+"# on his he!d7 .Oh cru/+,. s!id Eric He!r+"e, who

w!s ! %er# %er#, surrised7 *n#w!# he c!rried on !s Nor/!n -or

wh# shou"d he worried; *"" o- sudd# he he!rd ! s/!"" "itt"e

%oice c!""in hi/ +# n!/e, .Eric777Eric He!r+"e. it see/ed tos!# thouh I cou"dn.t s!# -or sure7

Th!t niht the %er# s!/e %oice so'e s!#in .Eric, I !/ !


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rowth on #our %er# he!d, he" /e, Eric7.

Soon Eric +ec!/e %er# !tt!ched to his -!t rowth -riend7

.C!"" /e Sc!+,. the %oice s!id !nd he w!s7

.C!"" /e Eric,. Eric s!id n!tur"# !s he cou"d7 &ro/ then

on #ou ne%er s!w Eric without the +i -!t sc!+ rowth on his

he!d7 *nd th!t.s wh# Eric He!r+"e "ost his ?o+ te!chins!sticd to d!nce7

.Were not h!%in ! cri"e te!chin our "!ds,. s!id He!d:

/!ster7

THE WRESTLING DOG

One uon ! to/ in ! -!r o-- dist!nt "!nd -!r !cross the

se! /i"es !w!# -ro/ !n#w!# o%er the hi""s !s the crow +!rcs 9eo+"e "i%ed /i"es !w!# -ro/ !n#where on ! "itt"e is"!nd on !

dist!nt "!nd7

When the h!r%est ti/e c!/e !"on !"" the eo"e ce"e+r!ted

with ! /iht# -e!st !nd d!ncin !nd th!t7 It w!s err#.s (-or

err# w!s the Loud 0!#or) ?o+ to ro%ide (!nd err#.s re!t

"e!sure I /iht !dd) ! new !nd ecitin (!nd it usu!""# w!s)

thri"" !nd sect!cu"!r er-or/er (so/eti/es ! dw!r- w!s used),

this #e!r err# h!d sur!ssed hi/se"%e +# ettin ! Wrest"in

$o> ut who wou"d -iht this wondrous +e!st; I wou"dn.t -or !

'ic' o--7

RANDOLF'S PARTY

It w!s Chris+us ti/e +ut !ndo"h w!s !"one7 Where were

!"" his ood !"s7 ernie, $!%e, Nic'#, *"ice, edd#, &re+!,

i#, Nie", *"-red, C"i%e, St!n, &ren', To/, H!rr#, eore,

H!ro"d; Where were the# on this d!#; !ndo"- "ooed s!"# !t

his on"# Chris+ut c!rt -ro/ his d!d who did not "i%e there7 .I c!n.t underst!n this +ein so !"one"e# on the one d!#

o- the #e!r when one wou"d sure"# sect ! !" or two;. thouht

!no"-7 H!n#w!# he c!rried on uttin u+ the desicr!tions !nd

/u88"e toe7 *"" o- ! sureon there w!s !/err# ti/+"e on the

door7 Who +ut who cou"d +e ! 'noc'in on /# door; He oend it

!nd there st!ndin there who; +ut on"# his !"s7 ernie, $!%e,

Nic'#, *"ice, edd#, &re+!, i#, Nie", *"-red, C"i%e, St!n,

&ren', To/, H!rr#, eore, H!ro"+ weren.t the#;

Co/e on in o"d !"s +udd#s !nd /!tes7 With ! +i ri-- onhis -!ce !ndo"-- we"co/+ed the/7 In the# c!/e ?or'in !nd

"!++in shou+in .H!dd# ri//+"e, !ndoo+7. !nd other he!rt#,


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!nd then the# !"" ?u/+ed on hi/ !nd did s/ite hi/ with /iht#

+"ows !+out his he!d cr#in, .We ne%er "i'ed #ou !"" the #e!rs

we.%e 'nown #ou7 2ou were ne%er r!e""# one o- us #ou 'now, so-t

he!d7.

The# 'i""ed hi/ #ou 'now, !t "e!st he didn.t GdieG !"one

did he; 0err# Chrustcho%e, !ndo"- o"d !" +udd#7

THE FAMOUS FIVE THROUGH WOENOW ABBEY

It w!s ho"id!# ti/e -or the -!/ous -i%e +# Eni "#terF

To/, St!n, $!%e, Nie", erniss, *rthur, H!rr#, Wee Joc'e#,

0!too/+o, !nd Cr!i; &or the !st 1 #e!rs the -!+"ed -i+e h!d

+een -or/in into !d%entures on %!ricose is"!nds !nd secrete

%!""ets with their -!/ous i"" +red do, Cr!es/ure7 Theirou"!r 5nc"e hi"o"e with his ou"!r cur"# white h!ir !nd

his rued red we!ther +!ttered -!ce !nd his ou"!r

-isher/!n.s +oots !nd his +i ?un'# swe!ter !nd his "itte"

cott!e7

.rudd"# od, rudd"# od,. the tr!in see/ed to s!#,

.rudd"# od, we.re on our ho""id!#s,. !nd the# were7 on

!rri%!" the# noticed ! /#sterious str!ner who +ode no i"";

.Oi wh!t.s this .ere,. he s!id -ro/ +ehind7

.We.re the -!/ous -ire +# reenod "!dder,. re"ied To/,

St!n, $!%e, Nie", erniss, *rthur, H!rr#, Wee Joc'#, 0!too/+o,

!nd Cr!i;, !nd the# were7

.$on.t #ou d!re o on the /#sterious Woenow *++e# Hi""7.

Th!t niht +# the "iht o- their -!ith-u" do Cr!es/ure,

the# t!"'ed Cr!i !nd 0too/+o into -oin the dirt# wor?7 Soon

the# were !t Woenow *tt"ee r!8ine uone !n o"de cr#ed who

turned round to +e the -urti%e str!ner7

.@ee o-- the r!ss,. he !s'ed -r!e ! re!t h!t7

0!too/+o sr!ne !nd soon o%erowdered the o"d cr#t with

! h!"-he"sie7 Cr!i; Auic'"# -ried the o"d cr#t toether7 .W!rt is the secrete o- Woe+e!t $o++#;. Cr!i; !s'ed7

.2er c!n +e!t /e +ut ne.er #e."" "e!rn the secrete,. he

!nswered -ro/ ! reen hut7

.*n#thin #ou s!# /!# +e used in E%erton !!inst #ou,.

s!id H!rr#7 *nd it w!s7

SAD MICHAEL

There w!s no re!son -or 0ich!e" to +e s!d th!t /ornin,

(the "itt"e wretch)F e%er#one "i'ed hi/, (the sc!+)7 He.d h!d !


9/53

h!rd d!#s niht th!t d!#, -or 0ich!e" w!s ! Coc'# W!tchtower7

His wi-e ernie, who w!s we"" contro""ed, h!d wr!++ed his

nor/!n "unch +ut he w!s sti"" s!d7 It w!s str!ne -or ! /!n

who/ h!%e e%er#thin !nd ! wi-e to +oot7 *t 4 o.c"oc' when his

-ire w!s +ur'in +ride"# ! o"e!se/!n h!d c"u++ed in to !rse

the ti/e !round7 .oode%en 0ich!e",. the o"e!se/!n see, +ut0ich!e" did not !nswer -or he w!s de++ !nd du-- !nd cou"d not

see7

.How.s the wi%e, 0ich!e". soe the o"e!se/!n

.Shuttu !+out th!t>.

.I thouht #ou were de++ !nd du-- !nd cou"d not see,.

s!id the o"e!se/!n7

.Now wh!t !/ I oin to do with !"" /# de++ !nd du--

+oo's;. s!id 0ich!e", re!"i8in str!iht !w!# th!t here w!s !

ro+"e/ to +e rec'oned with7

I WANDERED

On +!"/# se!s !nd ernie schooners

On stri%ers !nd w!r/in thins

In ! e!nut co!"shed c"!d

I w!ndered h!# !s ! ?ew

To /eet ood $oris &in7

!st ris+# trees !nd hu"'# +ui"ds

!st r!tters !nd +r!dder shee

In ! resus +!+# stooed

I w!ndered h!ir# !s ! do

To et ! oo+ites s"ee

$own ho%e# "!nes !nd stone# c"!%es

$own ric'etts !nd stic'"#s /#th

In ! -!tt# he+rew urth I w!ndered hu/"# !s ! soc'

To /eet +!d ernie S/ith

A LETTER

Sir,

Wh# !re there not /ore iders !nd writt# !+out our

-!%orit rou (erneese und 8ee iers)7 There !re thirt#:nineo- the/, #ou 'now7 We "i'e it c!use *"ec ?u/+ !+out !nd shoes7

"eese send ! st!++ed undressed en%e"oe o- ern !nd Ern


10/53

d!ncin !nd doin their s"endid to entert!in ! /ost desertin

rou !nd we hoe this -ires #ou !s #ou 'ee"er7

*n !d/irrer7

*-!n

SCENE THREE ACT ONE

(Scene) * +ro!dshou"dered roo/ cont!inin huh -ire"!ce -!cin

! "!re +i wind#, ! i!nt:si8e des' is co%ered in !"" t#e o-

/!n# +usiness !er !nd re!t disorder to "oo' on7 There !re

three or -our or -i%e ch!irs -!cein the des'7 One !re occuied

+# ! scrudd# wor'in c"o, c! in hoo' wh!t is esticu"!ted

re!t"# +ut hu/+"e tow!rd ! +i -!t c!ti!"#st +oss7 * white/!n c!re-u""# uts co!" on the -ire !nd stes +!c' tow!rd !

i!nt door which see/s to "e!d so/ewhere e"se7 * c!t s/!rtin

in the corner +# the -ire "e!s u !nd s/i"es !"" on the

c!ret7 * hot# o- &ie"di/!rcher Loud 0ont!//er# so"%in !

rod"e/ "oo's down on the two /en, e!ch o- the/ "oo'in u !t

it tr#in to "!ce hi/7

* do is Auiet"# n!win !t ! i/# under the i!nt des'7

The ti/e is h!"- !st three on the o"d r!nd+"!dder c"oc' +#

the wind#7

&!tt# .It.s h!r- !rst three T!ddi"", !nd the /en h!%en.t

done ! stri'e7 Wh# c!n.t we sett"e this here !nd now

without resortin to ! "on union discussion !nd oin

throuh !"" th!t +it !+out #our -!ther7.

Scrudd# .Wh# don.t #er shut #er o+ #er +i -!t et or I.""

'ic' #er -!ce in7 2er !"" the s!/e #ou rich -!t

ouries, wor'in. u8 oor wor'ers to de!th !nd ettin

!"" the e"t !nd oin to &r!nce -or #er .o"id!#s7.

&!tt# (oin !"" red !nd !shen) .ut "isten T!ddi"" #ou.re on"# wor'in two hours !

d!# now, !nd three d!#s ! wee' !nd we.re "osin /one#

!s it is, !nd here #ou !re co/"!inin !!in !+out

screw screwin !nd I./ tr#in to he" #ou7 We cou"d

h!%e +ui"t our -!ctor# so/ewhere e"se where /en "i'e

to wor', +ut Ho no here we !re o%ern/ent:sonsored

!nd !"" th!t7.

Scrudd# .Wh# don.t #er shut #er o+ #er +i -!t et or I.""

'ic' #er -!ce in7 2er !"" the s!/e #ou rich -!t ouries, wor'in. u8 oor wor'ers to de!th !nd ettin

!"" the e"t !nd oin to &r!nce -or #er .o"id!#s7.


11/53

(Enter ! co"oured wo/!n sinin ! co"oured son, On

her +!c' is ! re!t +und"e7)

0!//# .oe d!t +!re, "e-t th!t +!i".

(She un"o!ds her +und"e on the riht o- the des'7)

&!tt# (I/!tient"#) .Wh!t is it 0!//#, c!n.t #ou see I./ h!%ein ! rod"e/

with T!ddi"" !nd #ou co/e in here !"" +"!c' !nd sin:

in; *nd et th!t +und"e o- ruddish !w!# -ro/ /# +i

des'>.

0!//# .O7@7 @i/u s!hi+ +w!n!, /!ss!.

(she "i-ts the +und"e !nd e!ts it)

.Sho. w!s n!ice.

&!tt# .*n#w!# wh!t w!s it /!//#;.

0!//# .$!t w!s #o. "itt"e d!uhter, +# #o secind wi-e @I05 S*HI.

&!tt# (co"ourin)

.ut I./ not /!rried, o"d 0!//#.

(0!//# c"!ss her h!nds to her he!d horr#-ried)

.Oh Lord, I.%e ?es. e!ten ! +!st!rd>.

(She runs round the roo/ crossin herse"-, !nd sinin !nother

%erse7 Scrudd# st!nds u re"!cein his c! -ir/"# on his he!d

: w!"'in tow!rd the door he h!"- turns "i'e in the -i"/s !nd

sh!'es his -ist7)

.et this +"!c' wo/!n out o- this -!ctor# +e-ore the

/en -ind out, or #er."" .!%e ! stri'e on #er -!t

ourie .!nds7 I./ te""in #er th!t -or nothin. #er o"d

+u/>.

(Scrudd# w!"'s out o- the roo/ "e!%in &!tt# : 0!//# !nd

-ourteen "itt"e Jewish chi"dren !"" sinin toether ! 'ind o-

h#/n7)

T H E E N $


12/53

TREASURE IVAN

In ! "itt"e se!shore u+ in ristow, ! r!ed !therin o-

r!s !re drin'in !nd /!'ein /e""# (+e-ore s!i"in to se! in

sere o- r!te tre!sh# on ! sudden Is"e -!r !cross the oce!n)7

.e"!# there /e .e!rt# sc!+s,. s!#s L!re John S!"i%er

enterin7 ein !"on tow!rds so/e o"d s!%iours who/ h!%e

so"ed the se%er!" se!s7

.Where +e the !r!+"e #ou nor/!""# .!%e on #our shou"der,

L!re John;. *s's "ind Jew "oo'in u7 .Ne%er #e /ind. reonds L!re John .*nd !n#w!#s where +e

#our white stic';.

=Ow the .e"" shou"d I 'now when oi c!n.t see;.

*"" o- ! sudd# S/!"" J!c' H!w'ins cree in uno+true""

with ! sidd# ri on his he!d7

.H! h! !! !!r J!c' "!d. s!#s L!re John in ! t#ic!"

/!riner /!rino7

Soon the# were he!d# -ir the h!r+o!r with Ct S/e""it !nd

SAuire Tre"or#7 Th!t /or!n the# s!i"ed with ! he!rt# +ree8e+ehind7

L!re John +e!n to "oo' uon J!c' !s ! son or so/ethin,

-or he w!s e%er uttin his !r/ !+out hi/ !nd s!#in .H!

H!!!!!r., eseci!""# with ! !r!+"e on his shou"d#7 One d!#,

howe%er, S/!"" J!c' H!w'ins w!s ?ust h!enin in ! +!rret o-

!++e#s when he o%er:he!ted L!re John !nd se%er!" other s!%i:

ours "!ntin to +ot!n# !!inst the C!t!in7

.Lun Ho. cr# ! %oice -ro/ the ideon tow on hih, .Lun

Ho !nd !""s we"">. 2es !nd it were true : ! "itt"e I%!n, c#ri"

c!ret !!ist the hori%!n with !"/ist trees !nd coc'#nuts7

.I wou"dn.t +e surrised i- there w!s not ! +e!rd# o"d /!n


13/53

ho++in -ro/ roc' to roc'7. Thouht $isre!"i H!nds who.d seen

the -i"/, !nd there w!s7

The -irst "un+oot !shore cont!ined L!re John S!"i%er

S/!"" J!c' !nd so/e others wh!t were nu/erous !nd swe!t# to +e:

ho"d7 *n#w!# the# "!nded on the I%!n !nd !n ow"d "oon ?u/s out

c!""in hi/se"- Sten unn !nd he.s +een "i%in !"" o%er thetre!sure -or #e!rs +ec!use crue" o"d C!t!i%e &"int h!s ut the

"!c' ot on hi/ !nd #ou 'now wh!t h!ens with ! +"!c' ot7

So !-ter ! +it o- stoc'!de !nd th!t the# s!i" ho/e to

ristow where the#.re !"" !rrested -or de%e"o/ent !nd J!c'

H!w'ins turns round to +e ! thirt# two #e!r o"d /idet !nd

L!re John S!"i%er h!s to !# -or ! new wood# "e +ec!use the#

run -ro/ -ire"!ce on the I%!n7 Sten unn turns round to +e !

#oun /!n in the ri/e o- /inister !nd To/ the -!ith-u" c!t

returns to Newc!st"e7

ALL ABORD SPEECHING

17 Se!' #ou C"e!r !nd N!s!", -or dist!nce7

.on cordi!""# +es to in-or/ 0!/ !"" is -ori%en7.

0!n# eo+"e eress re!t heiht with the word 0!/7

B7 Sin #ou with "on %oice7

&or disch!re

$ee +re!thin is Nesc!-e -or ! d!r' %oice, dee +reed:

in !nd in h!"e# is %er# i/otent -or +ro!dc!st"e !nd out"#in

!rie"s777 %isi+i"it# ni" in oc'!"" !nd &red!st!ire;

r!ctice d!i"# +ut not i- #ou.re de++ !nd du--7

7 &or s!/"e, the word -renetic!""# wrote, /ust +e

ch!red r!//!tic!""# with +owe" ronouned str!ne"#7

e7 .Whi"e t!"'in on #ou /# I%!ns !re ettin co"d,

!nd #ou 'now, !s we"" !s I do, th!t we /ust stri%e the I%!nwhi"e it is h!t7.

e!rth in O-!/ the# se!' .*i%!n. +ut in C!i/+i"e

.Oi%!n.: the +owe" thus strethed ronuned : i"o7

r!ctice d!%# +ut not i- #our 0utt !nd Je--7

THE FINGLETOAD RESORT OF TEDDIVISCIOUS

ec'"e !nd r!ces (r!n!rthur) ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

How /!n# +od# eo+"e w!sh .eot"e !nd "!ices.; In !


14/53

recent $oddiottidd# o"" ! ro!/in retorter inter%ined !s'in :

.$o #ou "i'e i runt# +etter /ore th!n r!# ur'.;

To these Auestiu/ /!n# eo"e !nswered

.On the other h!nd who !re we to ?ude; I /e!n who !re we.;

!nor!sth/! (C) :::::::::::::::::

The se"- s!/e Auestiu/ w!s !s'ed throuh so/e /ore 'ind

wor?in -o"' !+out :

.$o #ou re!re in'"ed $in"e+one or Tichie i/"e+e!n.;

To this inAuest /!n# eo"e !nswerin7

.Who the he"" is i/"ed $in'"etoes; *n#w!# Who is he;.

This $isro%es the i"tdown etord th!t

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: !) Their !"" w!shin the r!+io7

+) *re their too /!n# !d%erse/ents on I7T77;

Th!t see/s to +e the crutch o- the /!tter7 *s -!r !s I./

concei%ed the#.re -oin ! r!te ?o+e7 ut ret!rdin the C.s

$oddu/ent!" &ror!//es : ece"ent e%en i- the# s!# so the#se"-s7

c) 9 1DB eod"e w!sh I7T77

*nd the# w!sh C7 E%er# +od#eo"e e"se re!d the $e!d"#

Ecess or the $!%e# r!i", ecet od-ree Wind7

ALEC SPEAKING

He is uttin it "ithe"# when he s!#s


15/53

these ow"d cust!rd o- o"d# Street +"owin; The eer H!t is

%er# ou"!rce -or sun e!tin !nd oots -or Nude rihter is

h!nd#s when s!i"in7 We !re not h!# with her


16/53

ood enouh -or her;. oer need not h!%e worried +ec!use he

w!s .Shou"d I h!%e -"owers !"" round the so'es;. s!id *nne

o"ishin her -oot rest7 .Or shou"d I 'ee it s#+"e;. she

continued "oo'in down on her r!in h!ired 0other7

.$oes it re!""# /!tter;. re!id her 0other we!ri"# wiin

her sin7 .He won.t +e "oo'in !t #our so'es !n#w!#7. *nnes/i"ed the s/i"e o- so/eone who.s seen ! -ew "!uhs7

Then "uc'i"# *nne.s -!ther c!/e ho/e -ro/ se! !nd

c!nce""ed the hus+!nd7

NEVILLE CLUB

$ressed in /# teeno"d +rown swe!t# I e!si"# /ic'ed with

crown !t Ne%i""e C"u+ ! see/# ho"e7 Soon !"" +ut soon eo"e!ccoustic /e s!#in such thin !s

.Where the ch!re /!n;. *"" o- ! southern I notice +oi"s

!nd ir's sittin in hu++ered "u/s s/o'in Herni! t!'in Odeon

!nd oin %er# hih7 So/ewhere 4-t hih +ut he h!d Indi!n Hu/

which he rew in his s"ee7 u--in !nd "o++erin the# drued

the#se"%es r!/"in or d!ncin with wi"d !+do/en, stu++in in

wi"d ostu/es !/onst the/se"%es7

The# see/ed o"i%ier to the wor"d !+out the/7 One ir' w!s

re%e!"in the/ !"" o%er the "!ce to rounds o- +re!d !nd

!"!use7 Shoc'ed !nd /!8ed I u""ed on /# ru++er st!/ he!d#

-or the door7

.$o #ou 'ind"# /ind sto sho%ein,. ! +rouh %oice s!id7

.Who thin' #ou !re;. I retired s/i"in w!n"#7

.I./ in ch!re,. s!id the +rouh +ut he!%# %oice7

.How hih the /oon;. cried !nother, !nd the +!nd +e!n to

"!#7

* co"oured /!n d!nced +# e!tin ! +!n!n!, or so/e+od#7

I druded o%er hoin to +e noticed7 He iced /e w!ri"#

s!#in .&rench or &oe.7 .&oe. I cried t!'in hi/ into ?e!!rd#7

THE MOLDY MOLDY MAN

I./ ! /o"d# /o"d# /!n

I./ /o"d# thru !nd thru

I./ ! /o"d# /o"d# /!n

2ou wou"d not thin' it true7 I./ /o"d# ti"" /# e#e+!""s

I./ /o"d# ti"" /# toe


17/53

I wi"" not d!nce I sh#+!""s

I./ such ! hu/+"e Joe7

ON SAFAIRY WITH WHIDE HUNTER

In the ?u/+"e777the /iht# ?u/+"e777 Whide Hunter s"ees

toniht7

*t the -oot o- the +ed, Otu/+! 'et wos -or oisonous

sn!c's such !s the de!d"# co++"er !nd !"# #thon7

Litt"e did he nose th!t the net d!# in the e!r"# ow"s o-

the /oreco/+e, ! true stor# wou"d !ctu!""# h!en7

Otu/+! !wo'e hi/ with ! cu o- teeth, !nd the# "it u to:

w!rd the ?u/+"e7

.*int d!t E"eoon i"";. s!id Wie Hudnose, .we!rin hisnew !suti;.

.Cou"d +e the &"#in $oc'er on ! c!se7.

.No, he.s w!"'in,. s!id Otu/+!d in Sw!hi"# which is not

!r- -ro/ here !s the crow +!r's7 *"" too soon the# re!ched !

c"e!ner in the ?u/+"e !nd set u cr!/7

Ju/+"e Ji/, who/ sh!"" re/!in n!/e"ess, w!s s"ow"# +ut

s"ow"# !s'in his w!# throuh the under!nts, (underw!re he w!s

+ein w!shed +# Whide Hunr#7)

.e!t the +us, Otu/+!,. co//!nded Whe!t Hoo%er7

.No> +ut /!+"e net wee' it wi"" +e /# turn to +e!t the

+us now st!ndin !t "!t-or+e nine7.

Ju/in #/, who sh!"" re/!in nor/!n, sotted Whit 0ond!#

!nd the !r'in $octorine shootin so/e rhinostri"s !nd

hioosthu/ous !nd Otu/+!r'7

.Sto shoutin those !ni/o"es7. ud it h!+ no in-"ience

uod the/7 The# c!rried on shottin !""i!rters, wi"d +o!ts,

!rri--es, "eers !nd 5nc"e To/ Co+r! !nd !""777 O"d unc"e on

o++"e !nd !""777 o"d u/"e, o/ $o++# !nd !""777 !d

uncorn, S!d Todd# !nd !""7

I SAT BELONELY

I s!t +e"one"# down ! tree,

hu/+"ed -!t !nd s/!""7

* "itt"e "!d# sin to /e

I cou"dn.t see !t !""7

I./ "oo'in u !nd !t the s'#,

to -ind such wondrous %oice7


18/53

u88"# u88"e, wonder wh#,

I he!r +ut h!%e no choice7

.Se!' u, co/e -orth, #ou r!%e" /e.,

I ott# /entho" shout7

.I 'now #ou hidd# +# this tree.7 $ut sti"" she won.t co/e out7

Such so-t"# sinin "u""ed /e s"ee,

!n hour or two or so

I w!'en# s"ow !nd too' ! ee

!nd sti"" no "!d# show7

Then sudd# on ! "itt"e twi

I thouht I see ! siht, * tin# "itt"e tin# i,

th!t sin with !"" it.s /iht7

.I thouht #ou were ! "!d#.7

I i"e,: we"" I /!#,

To /# surrise the "!d#,

ot u : !nd -"ew !w!#7

HENRY AND HARRY

Henr# w!s his -!ther.s son !nd it were ti/e -or hi/ to

"e!%e schoo" !nd o into -!ther.s +usiness o- ru//er Stri%in7

It wert ! -!rst d#in tr!de which w!s -!st d#in7

.ut ru//er Stri%in is ! -!rst d#in +usiness, &!ther,.

s!id #oun Henr#, ! #oun "!d7 His d!d, H!rr# re"ied Auic'"#7

.None o- th# nonsence, Henr#7 *"" th# -!thers +e-ore:h!%e

!nd +e-ore e%en th!t +e-ore /e were ru//ers !nd th!t.s !

-!ct7. With th!t he u""ed his stu/s ne!rer the -ire7 .Te"" /e !!in -!ther !+out how #ou ot those ri8e stu/s

w!s it not with ! ru//er Towdr#;. s!id #oun teen!e Henr#7

.Wh# do #ou !"w!#s !s' !+out /# stu/s, Son,. s!id H!rr#

to Henr# with ! re!surrin7

.ec!use it.s ! stor# I "o%e to he!r, &!ther : !nd +esides

it.s not e%er# one wh!t h!s ! re!" cri"e -or ! -!ther7.

.There.s so/ethin in wh!t #ou s!#, I d!re s!#,. s!id

Henr# e#ein his son roud"#F thin'in7 .0# son.s ! ru//er i-

I e%er s!w one,. !nd he h!d7 .I w!nt to +e ! o"-er, $!d,. s!id Henr# hoe-u""# without

! "!uh7


19/53

.2ou.re ! ru//er, Son, so et it str!iht,. s!id d!d

H!rr#7

The net d!# Henr# cou"d not +e seen or he!rd !+out the

Au!int "itt"e s"u/ !nd d!d H!rr# w!s +einnin to worr#7 It.s

not "i'e hi/, 0other,. he s!id to ! riht o"d h! who w!s

"i%in with the/7 ."!st his hide,. s!id /other, with !n !ccent7

*s #ou /iht h!%e uessed, teen!e #oun Henr# h!d run

!round -ro/ ho/e !nd "e-t7

.I."" show th!t stu/,. s!id Henr# to hi/se"-, -or there

w!s no one with hi/7 We"", it ?ust so h!ened /!n th!t teen!e

#oun Henr# cou"d not et ! o"-in ?o+ !n#where eseci!""#

o"-in7

.It see/s I./ ! +orn ru//er "i'e d!d H!rr# s!#s I !/,.

s!id H!rr# Auiet"# -or no one w!s "istenin to hi/7 So hehu/+"ed his w!# ho/ew!rd "i'e !n# other teen!e Henr# wou"d who

cou"dn.t et ! o"-in ?o+7 He sotted the s"u/ o- his

chi"dhood !nd s!id out "oud .Cru+. which ut it in ! nutshe""7

.0other, 0other, it.s /e, teen!e #oun Henr#, I./ ho/e,.

he s!id hoein to +e noticed7 ut h! /other ?ust 'et on

diin !s i- she h!d not noticed hi/ !nd she h!dn.t7 .0other,

0other, it.s /e. he s!id ree!tin hi/se"- whi"st thin'in : .I

wonder wh!t she.s diin, it c!n.t +e the sounds /!n7. Sti""

the o"d wretch 'et on diin !nd !"so sinin to herse"- : !

son #ou don.t o-ten he!r now ! d!#s7 .0other, 0other,. s!id

erist!nt teen!e Henr#, who w!s +einnin to +e ! +it o- !

dr!7

.C!n.t #ou see I./ +ur#in So-t H!rr#, #our -!ther,. s!id

h! 0other !t "!st7

.*"" I w!nted w!s ! ci%i" !nswer,. re"ied Henr# !ssu/in

resonsi+i"it#7

DEAF TED, DANOOTA, (AND ME)

Thor hi""# ro%e !nd +ur"# i%e,

i d!"e#s r!ss !nd tree

We c"o++er e%er !""u

$e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7

Ne%er sh!"" we !rt"# str!#,

&!st stirru !"" we three

&iht the +!tt"e /iht# sword $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7


20/53

With -!ith-u" -ro +eside us,

i /iht# c"u+ !re we

The +!tt"e sc!+ !nd -ris'# d#'e


We -iht the +!dd# +!ddies, &or co"our, r!ce !nd cree

&or Nero, Jew !nd ernie

$e!- Ted, $!noot!, !+d /e7

Thor i""# rows !nd urn"e# ten,

*nd *ston i""! three

We c"o++er e%er !""u


So i- #ou he!r ! wonderous siht,

*/ +"utter or !t se!,

e/e/+er who/ the /iht# s!#

$e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e :

(so/eti/es we +rin our -riend, 0!"co"/7)

A SURPRISE FOR LITTLE BOBBY

It w!s "itt"e o++#.s +irthd!# tod!#, !nd he ot !

surrise7 His %er# -ist w!s ?oed o--, (The W!r) !nd he ot !

+irthd!# hoo'>

*"" his "i-e o++# h!d w!nted his %er# own hoo'F !nd now

on his 9th +irthd!# his w!#ers h!d +een !nswered7 The on"#

trou+"e w!s the# h!d send hi/ ! "e-t hoo' !nd e+r# do++# 'nows

th!t it w!s o++#.s riht -ist th!t w!s /issin !s it were7

Wh!t to do w!s not thee on"# ro+"e/ *n#w!# he ?oed o--

his "est h!nd !nd it -itted "i'e ! "o%e7 0!#+e net #e!r he

wi"" et ! riht hoo', who 'nows;

HALBUT RETURB (! "!#)

&ourteen #e!r8 now I h!"+ +een w!din -or sweet H!"+ut to

return -ro/ the w!rs ("itt"e does she 'now H!"+ut H!re retur+s

sudden"# to /!'e !n honest wo/+ o- her7)

H .*i/ ho/e ose+een, -ro/ the w!r #.'now7.

.$id #ow it thee +utter H!"+ot;.


21/53

H .*i.%e +rort #! ! neru ose+een -ro/ the w!r #.'now7.

.&or /e /# %er# own -or /e H!"+ot;.

H .*i w!s !"w!#s thin'in on #ou !8e+ee/ /# own7

.Show /e this %er# neru He"+out -ro/ the w!r, this is

re!""# "i%in7.

H .No7. .Wh!t str!ne rurth h!s t!'en #ou H!"-ord, !/ I not

#our %er# own;.

UNHAPPY FRANK

&r!n' "oo'ed !t the t!+"e h!rd"# d!rin to "oo' !t the

t!+"e7

.I h!te th!t t!+"e,. he s!id ."ood# ow"d t!+"e in /#house7. Then he "oo'ed !t the c"oc'7 .$!/n th!t c"oc' in /#

house,. s!id &r!n', -or it w!s his house #ou 'now7 *-ter !

"itt"e +it his e#e c!/e !cross his %er# /other.s ch!ir7 .$on.t

"i'e th!t ch!ir one +it,. he show+ed#7 .Just "oo' !t th!t

!r+et !"" -i"+# !nd dur+#7 How !/ I suosed to "oo' !--!--ter

!"" this !r+# ruddish7 W!rt !/ I +ut ! s"!%e tow "oo' uon

with deese'-re+it !"" !"" the ee"e "!r-in !nd +u8in /e in

-ront o- !"" the wor"ed7 How c!n I +ut !rr# on; How; H!+ I no

"i%e o- /# own to do +ut w!rt I /ust e%er ?u+ "eeni !nd

"oo'in !re-tor theese d!/n ow"d house o- /# own;. &r!n' went

o%er to his du++ o"d /other, who/n w!s sti'" "i--in with hi/7

.Wh!t !re #ou "!r-in !t #ou du++ ow"d +oot;.

.H!%n. I nu-- tre+"e without #ou '!''in in the 'or+er;.

With th!t &r!n' stu+ u !nd 'ic'ed her "!in"# on the he!d7

.T!'e th!t -or "!r-in #ou +udd o"ed ri--7. .I h!te th!t

+oot,. he s!id s/i"in Auir'"e# to the/se"%es7

.I./ oin to se"" this d!-t shed !nd #ou to !swe"", !"so

0u//#7.

So he so"d it !"" !nd "e-t the countr# !nd sett"ed down in!nother countr# which he did not "o'e h!"- !s /uch !s his de!r

o"d ho/e in En"!nd with his de!r o"d Au!int o"d "u%"# /other

wh!t he (&r!n') "ost due to ! +!d h!r%est7 Which ?udd o to

show wh!t h!ens7

ON THIS CHURLY MORN

S/!"" wonder on this chur"# /orn I cri%# "i'e ! +"!c'

To thin' wot I shou"d +e -!r"orn


22/53

Throuh 'nor+ this !c'#/!c'

I /!# +e +"in' down +oo"to!d

With ne.er ! thort# s'i%e

ut I."" dece/+er +!rro"d

To s!%e /# ood +!d I%e

To the/ erh! +e nic'#

I s/ir' +ut Auerr# ?u/

With !"" this !"-# hic'#

I do +ut stri%e ! hu/

@noc' down #e s/!""ish hoA'#

*/ I the +!ir"# o!t;

With !"" #our d!%e# coc'e# I."" !"w!#s 'ee !-"o!t7

Wi"" I the +!# $utch /!n

*nd h!uht# +#r!%es too

To !"" I i%e ! "i/!e

To do wh!t the# wi"" do7

The# r!++"e ti"" the#.re t!tter

$on.t cree/ the /idniht hour

i $oris -"itter -"!tter

*nd +"!c'# +"!c'oo tower

eh# r!un !nd r!tt#

r!ddie "!re +ut s/!i"

She wi"" not +r!nt ! -!tt#

oo/ to swin ! sn!i"

i"t 8eitun d!ir# !"e

O- e"t8ie snied##e ro# ri++"e r!"e

!rou/ the re!son wh#;

2e +ott"e inn# deric'

*nd !"" who s!i" without

0# t!"" +ut "itt"e Eric

Sh!"" ne.er +ut c!st ! c"out>

e/"enish thou th# cr!%ie With !"" th!t +odes within

&!"" !ther +!re !nd d!%ie


23/53

The "!/+ within ! +in7

od Seed

VICTOR TRIUMPHS AGAIN AND MRS WEATHERBY LEARNS ALESSON

It were ! s/!"" %i""!e, SAuir/"# on the S"u, !nd %i"e

ruerts sre!d -!t !nd thic' !/onst the inh!+id!ds wh!t "i+ed

there7

One %ictor o- these ossiit# tonues h!d o-t +een ictor

H!rd"#, ! h!r/"ess +oot, who/ ne%er h!"/ed no+od#7 * t#ic!"

Aui//t# o"d h! who sre!d these %i"e ruerts w!s 0rs We!ther+#

: ! widow +# her -irst hus+!nds7 .The#.re ho"din ! "!c' 0!tt down !t ictors !d,. w!s

o-t he!rd !+out the %i""!e : +ut I ne%er he!rd it7 Thins "i'e

this were ettin ictor down, i- not "ower7

.Wh# +ut wh# do the# s!# these +!d thins !+out /e when I

h!%e +ut ne%er h!"/ed or se!' +!d,. he wou"d s!#, +ut I ne%er

he!rd hi/7

.He.s dr!win +!d Christi!ns on the r!%es,. 0rs We!ther+#

wou"d sre!d7 The who"e %i""!e w!s !"!r/in7

.We c!n.t h!%e !"" this,. s!id the ic!r, who w!s !

Christi!n7 .We."" h!%e to set ! tr! !nd c!tch this -ow" -iend

wh!t desic!ted our church7.

Once !nd -ore!r/ "!ns were /!de to ro%e who it were

"!#in the $!rr#" with the church7 On Thursd!# or 0ond!# !

"itt"e rou o- thirt#:two eo"e, !"" diction!ries o- the

Counsi", !nd the !rce" !nd the ic!r !"" hid notice!+"#

!/onst !"" the other de!d thins "#in !+out7

.This wi"" c!tch hi/, od wi""#,. thouht ! /!n with O-!/

on his -!ce7

*-ter eiht hours or so the# !"" noticed th!t nothin h!dh!ened : !nd the# +e!n to wonder : wh#; !-ter !"" h!dn.t

the# h!d the in-or/!tion -ro/ ! re"i!+"e sore;

I REMEMBER ARNOLD

I re/e/+er @!''# H!rre!%es

*s i- .twer 2ester/orn.

@!''#, @!''# H!rre!%es Son o- 0r7 !uh!n7


24/53

He used to +e so rundie

On hi/ "itt"e +i'e

idin on ! Sundie

&unn# "itt"e t#'e

2es, I re/e/+er @!th# H!ir+re!/ *s i- .twer #esterd!#

@!tth#, @!th# H!ir+re!/

Son o- 0r7 0!#

*rri%in !t the st!tion

*"w!#s de!d on ti/e

&or his destin!tion

Now He.s de!d on "ine

(/e!nin he.s +een ot +# ! tr!in or so/ethin)

*nd so we rowt !nd +u/"#

Ti"" the end o- ti/e,

Hu/t# du/t# +u/"#

Son o- H!rr# Li/e7

u/+"e#d# Hu+"ed# Hu/+"e#777

u/d"e# Tu/7 (Th!n' #ou)


25/53

A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS(c) John Lennon, 196

CONTENTS

* S!ni!rd in the Wor's

The &!t udie

Snore Wi-e !nd so/e Se%er!" $w!rts

The Sinu"!re Eerience o- 0iss *nne $u--ie"d

The &!u"t# !nose

We /ust not -oret the ener!" Erection

en?!/!n $ist!ste-u"

The Wu/+er"o (or The 0!ic $o)

*r!/int! $itch

C!ss!nd"e

The N!tion!" He!"th Cow

e!ders Lettuce

Si""# Nor/!n

0r oris 0orris

ernice.s Shee

L!st Wi"" !nd Testic"e

Our $!d

I e"ie%e, oot777

A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS

Jesus E" i-co w!s ! -oreiner !nd he 'new it7 He h!d i/ir!te:

-u" -ro/ his "itt"e white s"u/ in !rce"o%er ! ood thirst# #e!r

!o h!%in -irst secured the h!nd# ?o+ !s co!ch/!n in Scot"!nd7

The ?o+ w!s with the L!ird o- 0c*nus, ! c!nn# o"d tin who/

h!%e ! c!st"e in the Hih"!ds7 The -irst thin Jesus EI i-co

noticed in e!r"# the d!#s w!s th!t the L!ird didn.t see/ to h!%e! co!ch o- !n# discrition or e%en ! co!ch house #ou 'now,

/uch to his dis/!+"e7 ut : !nd I use the word "iht"# : the


26/53

L!ird did see/ to h!%in so/e horses, e!ch one sortin ! -ine

!ir o- "es7 Jesus -e"" in "o%e with the/ !t -irst siht, !s the# did

with hi/, which w!s "uc'#, +ec!use his Au!rters were in the

!ctu!""# st!+"es !"on side his no+"e -our "eered -riends7

rett# o""# one cou"d see Jesus !"/ost e%er# d!#, roo/in

his /!sters horses, +rushin their /!ne+its !nd h!//erin theirteeth, whist"in ! Au!int S!nish re-r!in dre!/in o- his "o%ed

wo/+s +!c' ho/e in their "itt"e white -!scist +!st!rd huts7

.* we"" !ir o- roo/ed horses I /ust s!#,. he wou"d re/!r'

to wee S!stic Sorr!n the -"iht# ch!/+er"!in, who/ he.d h!d

his ood e#e on e%ersince Ho/!nose7

.N!e s! +!d. she wou"d !nswer in her s"iced *+erdeen:/!rtin

!ccent7 .2e send /ore ti/e wi. #on horses th!n #e do wi.

/e,. with th!t she wou"d stor/ +!c' to her duties, c!re-u""#

t#in her ch!stit# nero h!rd"# to her s'i/7ein ! ood c!tho"ic, Jesus wied the sit -ro/ his -!ce !nd

turned the other cheese : +ut she h!d one "e!%in hi/ once

s/!"" in !n !!th! o- christ#7

.One d!%e she wo"" o too -!rther, !nd I wo"" "e!- her. he s!id

to his -!%e r!%e horse7 O- course the horse didn.t !nswer,

+ec!use !s #ou 'now the# c!nnot se!', "e!st o- !"" to ! !r"ic

e!tin, stin'in, "itt"e #e""ow re!s# -!scist +!st!rd c!tho"ic

S!ni!rd7 The# soon /!de it u howe%!ns !nd Jesus !nd wee

S!stic were once /orhi! unite"# in ! "o%e th!t 'new no su8ie7

The on"# thin th!t u88"ed Jesus w!s wh# his su!r+oot ot so

!nno#ed when he c!""ed her his "itt"e S!stic in u+"ic7 Litt"e

wonder howe!on, with her re!" n!/e +ein !tric', #ou see;

.2e /usn!. c!"" /e S!stic whi"st /! -riends !re here Jesus

/! +onnie wee dw!r-. she s!id irr!!ted7

.ut I c!nnot not s!# !tric' /e "itt"e t!rt!n +!. he re"ied

!"" her+ !nd !nie inside7 She "oo'ed down !t hi/ throuh !

/!ss o- n!tur!""# cur"# w!rts7

.ut S!stic /e!ns ! 'ind o- cri"e in En"ish /! sweet wee

Jesus, !nd !i./ no cri"e !s #ou we"" 'nown> ..Th!t.s true enouh. s!id he .+ut I didn.t not re!"i8e +ein !

-oreiner !nd th!t, !nd !"so not 'nowin #our countries cu"ture

!nd so -orce, !nd !n#w!it I c!n sot ! cri"e !n#where7.

He r!/+"ed on !s !tric' 'ne"t down "o%in"# with te!rs in

her e#e !nd s"ow"# +it ! iece o- his +u/7 Then "i-tin her -!ce

uw!rts, she s!id with ! %oice -u"" o- e/u"sion .C!n #e he--er

-ori%e /e Jesus, c!n #e; . she s"o++ed7 He "oo'ed !t her str!ne:

"# !s i- she were ! str!ne"#, then t!'in her s"ow"# riht -oot

he criedF .!rrees# e" ino ! stre%!ro Aui +ueno e" -r!ncosen!tro> . which ru+# tr!ns"!nted /e!ns : .On"# i- #ou.%e

ot reen +r!ces. : !nd -ortun!te"# she h!d7


27/53

The# were /!rried in the -!""out, with the L!irds +"essin o-

course, he !"so !%e the/ ! .wee i-t#. !s he ut it, which w!s !

use-u" !ddition to their +otto/ "!w#er7 It w!s ! seci!" ?!r o-

secret oint/ent /!de +# ener!tors o- his -ore-iners to he" et

rid o- !tric's cr!+s which she h!d un"uc'i"# c!uht -ro/ the

L!ird o- 0c*nus hi/se"- !t his "!te wi-es (L!d# 0c*nus.) w!'e7The# were o%er?o#ced, !nd r!enut !+un !nd +e#ond the c!""

o- dut#7

.The on"# "itt"e cr!w"ie thins we w!nt !re +!+ies,. Auied

Jesus who w!s ! sort7 .Th!t.s riht sweet#. !nswered !tric'

re!chin -or hi/ with ! 'nows"e# h!""7

.uid "uc' to #ou !nd #ours. shouted the L!ird -ro/ the o"d

win7

.od +"ess #ou sir. s!id Jesus Auic'"# h!rnessin his wi-e with

! deterit# th!t on"# r!ctice c!n er-ect7 .Co/e on /e +e!ut#.he whisered !s he rode his wi-e !t ! ste!d# trot tow!rds the

E!st !te7 .We /ustn.t /iss the -irst r!ce /# de!r7.

.Not "i'e"#. snorted his new"# wed wi-e +re!'in into ! u"":

u7 .Not "i'e"#. she ree!ted7

The hone#/ood w!s don short +# ! te"eh!nt -ro/ 0rs E"

i-co (his /other) who w!s !!rent"# "e!%in !rce"under to

se her e"dest sod -e+ore she died "!uhin, !nd +esides the !ir

wou"d do her ood she !dded7 !tric' "oo'ed u -ro/ her

nose+! !nd i"ed7

.$on.t ?o'e !+out 0!//! "e!se i- #ou don"!n, she !re !""

I h!%e "o-t in the wor"d !nd +esides #our /other.s ! +it o- !

+roc'wurst herse"%es. s!id Jesus, .*nd i- she.s sti"" !"i%e when

she ets here we c!n throw u ! !rt# -or her !nd then she c!n

/eet !"" our u"# Scottish -riends. he re-"ected7 .On the other

h!nd"e we c!n !"w!#s use her !s ! sc!recr!+ in the to -ie"d. s!id

!tric' r!ctic!""#7

So the# !c'ed their suitcr!tes /!r'ed .his !nd he!rse. !nd set

o-- -or their e/"o#ers hih"# ho/e in the hih"ies7

.We.re ho/e Sir. s!id Jesus to the wi8ened t!rt!n -iure 'ne"tcrouchin o%er ! +! o- shee7

.Wh# !re #e +!s' so soon;. inAuired the L!ird, i//edi!te"#

reconi8in his own st!-- throuh #e!rs o- eerience7 .I.%e h!d

so/e +!d ?ews -ro/ /# 0!//# : she.s co/in to se!u"" /e,

i- its !"" rie with #ou sir7. The L!ird thouht -or ! /u/+"e,

then his -!ce "it u "i'e ! +oi"in w!rt7

.2ou.re !"" -ired. he s/i"ed !nd went o-- whist"in7

THE FAT BUDGIE


28/53

I h!%e ! "itt"e +udie

He is /# %er# !"

I t!'e hi/ w!"'s in rit!in

I hoe I !"w!#s sh!""7

I c!"" /# +udie Je--re#0# r!nd!ds n!/e.s the s!/e

I c!"" hi/ !-ter r!nd!d

Who h!d ! -e!thered +r!in7

So/e eo"e don.t "i'e +udies

The "itt"e #e""ow +r!ts

The# e!t the/ u -or +re!'-!st

Or i%e the/ to their c!ts7

0# unc"e !te ! +udie

It w!s so -!t !nd -!ir7I cried !nd c!""ed hi/ onnie

He didn.t see/ to c!re

*"thouh his n!/e w!s *rthur

It didn.t /e!n ! thin7

He went into ! etsho

*nd !te u e%er#thin7

The doctors "oo'ed inside hi/,

To see wh!t the# cou"d do,

ut he h!d +een too reed#

He died ?ust "i'e ! 8oo7

0# Je--re# chirs !nd twitters

When I w!"' into the roo/,

I /!'e hi/ scr!/+"ed e on to!st

*nd -eed hi/ with ! soon7

He sins "i'e other +udies

ut on"# when in tri/

ut /ost o- !"" on Sund!#

Th!ts when I "u hi/ in7

He -"ies !+out the roo/ so/eti/es*nd sits uon /# +ed

*nd i- he.s re!""# h!#

He does it on /# he!d7

He.s on ! diet now #ou 'now

&ro/ e!tin -!r too /uch

The# s!# i- he ets -!tter

He."" h!%e to we!r ! crutch7

It wou"d +e -unn# wou"dn.t it

* +udie on ! stic'I/!ine !"" the eo"e

L!uhin ti"" the#.re sic'7


29/53

So th!t.s /# +udie Je--re#

&!t !nd #e""ow too

I "o%e hi/ /ore th!n d!ddie

*nd I./ on"# thirt# two7

SNORE WIFE AND SOME SEVERAL DWARTS

Once uon uon in ! di8ne# -!r !w!# : s!# three hundred #e!r

!o!" i- #ou "i'e : there "i%ed ! sne!'# -orest so/e se%er!"

dw!rts or cretinsF !"" n!/ed : S"ee8#, ru/t#, Snee8#, $o,

S/ir'e#, *"ice; $eric' : !nd Wi/e#7 *n#w!# the# !"" du

!+out in ! di!/ond /ind, which w!s rich +e#ond co/ere7

E%er# d!# when the# c!/e hu"/e -ro/ wir', the# wou"d sin !

son : ?ust "i'e ordin!r# wir'ers : the son went so/ethin

"i'e : .2o ho> 2o ho> it.s o-- to wir' we o> . : which is si""#

re!""# consider!+"e the# were co/ein hu"/e7 (erh!s ther w!s

s"iht housewor' to +e do7)

One d!# howit8er the# ($w!rts) !rri%ed ho/e, !t !rodest!nt,

si o.c"oth, !nd who; : who do the# -ind; : +ut on"# Snore

Wi-e, !s"ee in ru/t#.s +ed7 He didn.t see/ to /ine7 .S!/:

+od#.s +een -eedin /# orr!e> . scre!/s Wi/e#, who w!s .

we!rin ! "iht +"ue u""o%er7 0e!nwi-e in ! r!nd C!rst"e, not

so /i"e !w!#, ! wo/!nd is "ooin in her d!i"# /irror, shoutin,

.0irror /irror on the w!"", who/ is de -!ir# in the "!nd7. whichdoesn.t e%en rh#/e7 .C!ss!nd"e>. !nswers the /irror7 .Chrish

O.0!""e#. studders the wo/!nd who !e!rs to +e ! . re?oices Snore Wi-e, .I "i'e #ou !"" /# "itt"e dw!rts7.Without w!rin the# he!r ! sodd# %oice continu!""#'h!n

shou+in !nd screein !+out !"es -or s!"e7 .New !"es -or


30/53

o"d> . s!#s the !+o%e he!rin %oice7 .Tr# these nice !"es -or

chriss!'e>. ru/# turnis Auic' !nd !nswers shootin :

.Wh#;. !nd the# !"" "oo' !t hi/7

* -ew d!is# "!te"# the s!/e %oice co/es hootin !+oon the

!"es -or s!"e with ! r!rther /ore -ir/ !ro!ch s!#in .These

!"es !re de-inite"# -or s!"e7. Snore Wi-e, who +# this ti/e iscurious"# !roused, stic' her he!ds throuh the window7 *n#:

w!# she +ouht one : which didn.t he" the tr!de ! !t !""7

Litt"e dier#doo th!t it w!s !rsened with de!th"# !rsenic'ers7

The wo/!n (who w!s the wic'ered


31/53

.H!rr#+e""!-onte, /# de!r Whoer7. *t th!t recise /or:

/!n ! t!"" r!ther !nu"!rce t!"" thin /!n 'noc'ed on the door7

.# !"" !ccounts th!t /ust +e he, Whoer7. I /!r%e""ed !t his

!cute os+ert "!nc!ster7

.How on ure do #ou 'now Wo/"+s. - !sed, re%e!"in /#

+!d !r/ch!ir7.E"ih!ntitus /# de!- Whoer. he +!!e 'noc'in out his

i on his "!re "e!ther "e7 In w!red the -!%ourite Oo Whit:

ne# none the worse -or wor/s7

.I./ !n esc!ed ri/rose 0r Wo/"+s. he r!te d!rtin -r!ne:

tic!""# !+out the roo/7

.C!"/ down 0r Whitne#> . I intero""ed .or #ou."" h!%e !

ner%ous +re!d%!n7.

.2ou /ust +e $octored Whoer. he h!rted7 0# -riend w!s

st!r%in !t Whitne# with ! str!ne hoo' on his e!er -!ce, th!ttihtenin o- the "is, th!t Aui%er o- the nostriches !nd const!:

!tion o- the he!%# tu-ted +rows which I 'new so we""7

.orr! ciie Oo. s!id Wo/"+s Auic'"#7 I "oo'ed !t /#

co""ede, hoin -or so/e c"ue !s to the re!son -or this sodden

out+o!rd, he !%e /e no sin ecet ! s"iht /o%e/ent o- his

ood "e !s he 'ic'ed Oo Whitne# to the -"oor7 .orr! ciie

Oo. he re!eted !"/outh h#steric!""#7

.Wh!t on urn !re #ou doin /# de!r Wo/"+s. I i/"#F .n!#

I +esiee #ou, sto "est #ou do this oor wretch !n in?ur#> .

.Shut #er -!ce #er +"u++erin ow"d et. scre!/ed Wo/"+s

"i'e ! /!n -er/ented, !nd "!id into 0r Whitne# so/ethin

ower-u" w!t7 This w!sn.t not the Sh!/roc' Wo/"+s I used to

nose, I thouht u88"ed !nd he!rn !t this sudd# ch!ne in /#

o"d -riend7

0!r# *t'ins runed herse"%es in the /ir!e, runnin her

h!nd w!nt!n"# throuh her "!re +"ond h!ir7 Her tiht dress w!s

cut "ow re%e!"in"# three or -our +"!c'he!ds, c!re-u""# scru++ed

on her chess7 She !dd"ed the -in!" touches to her /!'eu !nd

-ied her teeth -ir/"# in her he!d7 .He.s oin to w!nt /e to:niht. she thouht !nd ictured his h!/so/e +"!c' cur"# -!ce

!nd ?!undice7 She "oo'ed !t her c"oc's i/!tient"# !nd went to

the window, then "e!t into her -!%orite !r/church, ic'in

u the !er she "!ssed !t the he!d"ines7 .0OE NEOES

IN THE CONO. it re!d, !nd there w!s, +ut it w!s the Sto

ress which cor'ed her e#e7 .J*C@ THE NILE STI@E

**IN7. She went co"d !"" o%er, it w!s S#dnees !nd he.d "e-t

the door oen7

.He""o "o%er. he s!id s"!in her on the +utter7

.Oh #ou did i%e /e ! st!rt S#dnees. she shrie'ed "!uhin

!r- !r-i"#7


32/53


33/53

.I.d r!ther h!%e r!ther h!%e r!ther. s!id the Insectre who

w!s ! our/"ess7 *-ter ! drin' !nd ! -ew s!/ "eeches Wo/"+s

ot u !nd !ced the -"oor u !nd down u !nd down !cin7

.Wh# !re #ou !cin the -"oor u !nd down u !nd down

!cin de!r Wo/"+s. I inAuiet7

.I./ thin'in !"owed /# de!- Whoer7. I "oo'ed o%er !t theInsectre !nd 'new th!t he cou"dn.t he!r hi/ either7

.uess who.s out o- ?!i" 0r Wo/"+s. the Insectre s!id su+:

+en"#7 Wo/"+s "oo'ed !t /e 'nowin"#7

.Eric 0or"e#;. I !s'ed, the# shoo' their he!ths7 .Oo Whit:

ne#;. I Au!rt, !!in the# shoot their he!s7 .#o H!rr!%es;. I

wi/ied7

.No /# de!r Whoer, OO WHITNE2>. shouted Wo/"+s

"e!in to his -oot7 I "o'ed !t hi/ !d/irin this re!t /!n !""

the /orhi!70e!nwire in ! h!s"# "it street in Che"the!, ! d!r'"# c"oc'ed

/!n with ! -e!r-u" we!on, creeed !+out serin -or re%ene

on the wo/en o- the streets -or i%in hi/ the dre!d-oot 7$7

(!"entine $#!"")7 .I."" 'i"" the/ !"" wo/+ +# wo/+. he

/u--"ed +etween scenes7 He w!s "i'e ! +"!c' sh!dow or nero on

th!t du/+ -o# niht !s he -urti%e"# "oo'ed -or his nec' %ic:

ti/7 His /inds w!ndered +!c' to his chi"dhoo', re/e/+erin

! %!ue thin or two "i'e his /other !nd -!r/er !nd how the#

h!d +e!ten hi/ -or e!tin his sister7 .I./ de/ented. he s!id

chec'in his diction!r#, .I shou"d +e!n !t ho/e on ! 'ni-e "i'e

these7. He turned into ! di/ d!r'# !nd sotted ! "iht7

0!r# *t'ins runed herse"%es in the /irr!e runnin her

h!nd w!nt!n"# throuh her "!re +"ond h!ir7 Her tiht dress

w!s cut "ow re%e!"in"# three or -our /ore +"!c'he!ds c!re-u""#

scru++ed on her chess7 usiness h!d +een +!d "!te"# !nd wh!t

with the cost o- "i/in7 She hurried"# tuc'ed in her oose:

+erries !nd oened the door7 .No wonder +usiness is +!d. she

re/!r'ed !s she c!uht si8e o- her hu/ in the h!"" /irror7 .0#

w!rts !re showin7. With ! c!re-ree #ode" she s"et into thestreet !nd c!uht ! c!+ to her h!# hu/in rounds7 .Th!t

S#dnees.s nothin +ut ! i/"e "i%in on /e thus. she thouht

."!8in !+out d!# in d!# o--, !nd here.s /e "owin /# tr!in u

!nd down "i'e So-t *rthur !nd #ou 'now how so-t *rthur7.

She ot o-- !s uterus !t N!ts C!-e !nd too' u her osition7

.The#."" ne%er e%en see /e in this -o. she /uttered switchin

on her "!/s7 Just then ! +"!sted o"ice/!t w!"'ed +#7 ."!sted

o"ice/!t. she shouted, +ut "uc'i"# he w!s de!-7 ."!sted

de!- o"ice/!t. she shouted7 .Wh# don.t #er err! ?o+>.Litt"e did she no/e th!t the in-!/ous J!c' the Ni"e w!s

on"# ! -ew streets !w!#7 .I hoe th!t +"!sted J!c' the Ni"e


34/53


35/53


36/53

*nd not so 05CH O& 2E &*5LT2 *NOSE>

WE MUST NOT FORGET ...

... THE GENERAL ERECTION

*8ue or" no/e, H!r!ssed Wi"sod won the ener!" Erection,

with ! %er# s/!"" /!r?orie o%er the Torchies7 Thus uddin the

L!+orin !rt"# +!c' into owe"" !-ter ! "!re !+cess7 This he

cou"d not h!%e done withouts!n the +!r'in o- thee Tr!de

Onions, he!d# +# &ren' Cunnins (who noun h!s ! S*&E

SE*T in Nune!tin th!n' #ou !nd &ron' (on"# 6B) owe"s

h!sn.t)7

Sir *"ice $ou+t"ess:Who/ w!s : Auote : .+ither"# dith!:

ointed. +ut /!n!ed to 'ee s/ir'in on his oo,ooo !cre

est!te in Scot"!nd with ! +it o- -ishin !nd th!t7

The Torchies (now in !erition) h!%e sti"" the c!!+"e

Au!"ities o- such dis!+"e /en !s !++it un"o!- !nd the %er#

"!te H!rrods 0c0i""ion7 Wh!t, #ou !rs', h!ened to *ns:

wer/e Enos (e ri/ 0inic!r) !-ter th!t Sue8 uddin, e!"e

!re s!#in7 We"" I don.t 'now7

We /ust not -oret the re!t ro"es "!#ed out +# Hue &oot

!nd $inie in c!turin ! %ote or to/+7 We /ust not -oret

0rs Wi"sod showin her toi"ets on te""#7 We /ust not -oret

0r C!r!%!ns "o%in s/i"e on udie $!# !s he r!ised the riceo- the O"d *e ests7 We /ust not -oret 0r C!r!%!ns "o%e"#

s/i"e when he r!ised the rice o- the 077s (0ent!"s o- !r"i!:

/ent) w!ers !s we"" !"so7 We /ust not -oret Jo'e ri//!ce

(LI)7 We /ust not -oret to issue c"os to !"" the 77 Ost/en

who !re -oin re!t thins so/ewhere !nd !"so we /ust not

-oret to ost E!r"# -or Christs!'e7

L!st"# +ut not riest, we /ust not -oret to ut the c"oc's

+!c' when we !"" et +o/+ed7 H!ro"d7

BENJAMAN DISTASTEFUL

en?!/in h!"ted his r!%e -"ow o- se!ch !nd "u o-- ! ci!r- he

'new where ee'# +oon> He wretched o%er# !nd +er"in !"" the

tootsdes7

.It were !"" no' ! "i/cheese then ! wor' -erce +ott"e7 *i

w!r ! r!"e rerowth on, with# +oor"# re"enish!/!ts!t#

troo, !nd h!r"!s ! wedre!""# to -iht7 We.re s!%e @in o- !/:ices when !"" the wor/ here /e !id7. I in!d%ert!+!+"# !n un:

o+trusi%e ne#+er h!d "oo'e round !nd seen ! "ot o- oins o--,


37/53

#ou 'now how the# !re7 *n#w!rt, I s!# et ! +!tt"#!rd uss:

"o!d, #e scrurr# n!%%#, I +eseie o- !"" /# +o"eh!rt, w!# with

his 'ind -!r"en# !nd re%e# c!w"ers7 ut en?!/!n w!s !

r!ther /!n -or !"" I c!red7 I e#ed he "oo'in, .en. I cried .2ou

!re r!ther /!n7. He "oo'ed !t /e h!rd"# with ! +rown trowe"7

.I 'now. he s!id, .+ut I do ! ste!d# thirst#7. I were o%erwhe"edwith hee/ r!te 'now!"de, #ou d!rn.t o--er /e!d !nd /on'

with !"" these no+od#, I thouht7 * /!n "i'e he sh!"" h!-- !""

the +od# ood"es in his h!nds7 .Curse #e +!"d# +utters, !nd *i

thin' its ! ritt# oreshow when so/e+ott"e o- /# st!tue h!s

to "!ce #ons"!%e on /# deosite7.

.Wh# : wh#; . I cri++"e !"" t!wdr# in /# +est s#dne#s7

To this d!# I."" ne%er 'now7

THE EN$

THE WUMBERLOG (OR THE MAGIC DOG)

Whi"st !"" the tow w!s s"ee#

Cret ! "itt"e +o# -ro/ +ed

To -!ined the wondrous eo+"e

Wot "i%ed when the# were de!d7

He !c'ed ! "itt"e %oucher

&or his dinner .ne!th ! tree7

.erhu/s ! tin# dw!r- or twoWou"d sh!re !+ite with /e;

.erch!/ I."" see the Wu/+er"o

The hih"# -e!thered crow,

The "!r-in "e!in H!rristweed

*nd ood o"d 5nc"e Joe7.

He !c'ed he %er# trun'!se,

C"e!n soc'ers -or ! wee',

His +oo' !nd den8i" -or his notes,

Then out the wind# cree7He /et hi/ -riend"# /!ic do,

*"" +"!c' !nd cur"ew too,

Wot -"ew hi/ -!st in second c"!ss

To do wot he /ust do7

.I."" "e!%e #ou now sir,. s!id the do,

.ut ?ust +e-ore I o

I /ust !d%ise #ou,. s!id his -riend

.This +o!t to c!re-"ee row7.

.I th!n' #ou 'ind"# -riend"# !",I wi"",. !nd so he did,

*nd -"o!ted down tow!rds the "!nd


38/53

Where !"" the secrets hid7

Wh!t "!r-s !"ent# did he "!r-,

It see/in so !+surdF

Whi"st "osin !"" his o!rs,

On his he!d he -ound ! +ird7

.He""o,. the +ird s!id, "!r-in too,

.I hoe #ou don.t /ind /e,

I.%e co/e to uide #ou here on in,

In c!se #ou.re "ost !t se!7.

We"" -!nc# th!t, the +o# thouht,

I ne%er 'new ti"" now

Th!t +irds cou"d se!' so "!in"#7

He wondered : wonder how;

.Wh!t 'ind o- +ird !re #ou sir;.

He s!id with due resect,.I hoe I./ not too nose#

ut I didn.t not eect7.

.I !/ ! wu/+er"o #ou see,.

The +ird re"ied : !"" co#,

.The hih"# -e!thered secies "!d,

2ou ouht to ?u/ -or ?o#7.

.I wou"d I wou"d, i- on"#, +ut

2ou see : we"" : #es, oh de!r,

The thin is de!r o"d Wu/+er"o

I./ etri-ied with -e!r> .

.Now don.t +e si""#. s!id the +ird,

.I -riend"# : !"w!#s : !nd

I./ not "i'e Thor# ru/h"!,

I."" show #ou when we "!nd7.

*nd soon the "!nd c!/e inter%iew,

* .t!stic siht -or sure,

*n is"!nd with !n e#e to see

To uide #ou into shore7

.H!rd to st!r+o!rd. s!id ! tree,

.2er -ocs"e /!ins"e +"!st

Shi%%er ti/+ers w!#!rd wind

*t "!st #er.%e co/e !t "!st7.

.2ou weren.t eectin /e, I hoe.

The +o# s!id, u88"ed now7

.O- course we !re. ! thin s!id,

Loo'in s"iht"# "i'e ! cow7

.We.%e ot the 'ett"e oin "!d,.

* cheer-u" !"e s!#,.I."" +rin ! +! o- -riends !"on

Wot #ou c!n h!%e -or t!#7.


39/53

* te!we"" !te, with do !nd tree

Is not ! co//on siht,

Eseci!""# when the do hi/se"-

H!d st!rted o-- the -"iht7

.How did #ou et here cur"ew -riend;.

The +o# s!id !"" ! /!8e7.The s!/e w!# #ou did, in ! +o!t,.

The do #e""ed throuh the h!8e7

.Where !re !"" the eo+"e, "e!se,

Wot "i%e when the# !re de!d;

I.d "i'e to see the/ i- I /!#

e-ore I./ +!c' in +ed7.

.2ou."" see the/ son,. ! c!rrot s!id,

=$on.t hurr# usF #ou 'now

2ou.%e ot to e!t ! "!te o- /ee-ore we "et #ou o>.

Then o-- to see the eo+"e who/

The "!d h!d co/e to see

*nd in the dist!nce there he s!w

* rou o- twei"%e or three7

* "itt"e -urther on !t "!st

There were ! "ot or /ore,

*"" diin in the round !nd th!t,

*"" diin in the -"oor7

.Wh!t !re #ou diin !"" the ti/e;.

He !s'ed the/ "i'e ! +rother7

e-ore the# !nswered he cou"d see

The# re!""# du e!ch other,

In -!ct the# too' it turns !iece

To "!# down in the round

*nd sho%e the soi" uon the he!ds

O- !"" their -riends !round7

We"", wh!t ! siht> I !s' #ou now7

He h!d to "!r- out "nud7e-ore he 'new wh!t h!ened

He.d !thered Auite ! crowed7

Without ! word, !nd s!des on hih,

The# !"" du dee !nd "ow,

*nd "!ced the +o# into ! ho"e

Net to his 5nc"e Joe7

.I to"d #ou not to co/e out here,.

His unc"e s!id, !"" s!d7

.I h!d to 5nc"e,. s!id the +o#7

.2ou.re !"" the -riend I h!d7.

With ?ust their he!ds !+o%e the round


40/53

The# +!de ! -ond ood+#e,

With !"" the eo"e shoutin out

=Here.s /ud into #our e#e> .

(*nd there cert!in"# w!s7)

ARAMINTA DITCH

*r!/int! $itch w!s !"w!#s "!r-in7 She woo- "!r- !t these, "!r-

!t th!s7 *"w!#s "!r-in she w!s7 0!n# +od# eo-"e woo- "oo'

!t!t her s!#in, .Wh# does th!t *r!/int! $itch 'ee "!r-in;.

The# cou"d ne%er underst!/ wh# she w!s e%er "!r-in !+out

the "!ce7 .I hoe she.s not !t !"" "!r-in !t /e,. so/e eo'"e

wou"d s!#, .I cert!in"# hoe th!t *r!/int! $itch is not "!r-in

!t /e7.

One d!te *r!/int! rose u out o- her du--"e +ed, "!r-in !s

usu!" with th!t ins!e "!r- eo?"e h!d co/e to 'now her -or/7

.Hee> hee> hee> . She "!r-ed !"" the w!# down to +re!'-!rt7

.Hee> hee> hee> . She ur"ed o%er the /or/!n !iers7

.Hee> hee> hee> . Continude *r!/int! on the +u88 to wir'7

This u++"ed the !ss!es !nd condoctor eAu!""# +oth7 .Wh#

is th!t +oot "!r-in !"" the ti/e;. InAueered !n e"der+err# !s:

seneore who tr!+e""ed reu"!re on th!t roo- !nd h!d ! write

to 'now7

.I +et no+od# 'nows wh# I !/ !"w!#s "!r-in7. S!id *r!:/int! to herse"- ri%!te"#, to herse"-7 .The# wou"d de!r"# "o%e

to 'now wh# I !/ !"w!#s "!r-in "i'e this to /#se"%e ri%!te"#

to /#se"%e7 I +et so/e eo+"e wou"d re!""# "i'e to 'now7. She

w!s riht, o-- course, "ots o- eot"e wou"d7

*r!/int! $itch h!d ! +o#-red who cou"d ne%er see the ?o'e7

.*s "on !s she.s h!#,. he s!id7 He w!s ! ood /!n7 .r!# te""

/e, *r!/int!, wh# is it th!t #ou "!r- so re!di"#7 2e!#e, +ut I

!/ sor"# trou+"ed so/eti/es when th# "!r-ter c!uses sitch

tri+u"!tion !nd e/+!rres/ent !/onst /# -!/i"# !nd e"ders7.*r!/int! wou"d "!r- !"I the /ore !t !n out+ur "i'e this, e%en

to the oint o- h#steri--s7 .Hee> hee> hee>. She wou"d scre!/ !s

i- ossessed +# the %er# dou+"e hi/se"-7

.Th!t *r!/int! $itch wi"" h!%e to stor or" these "!r-inF she

wi"" de-inite"# h!%e to stor it7 I wi"" o cr!8# i- she don.t stor

it7. This w!s the "!re %oice o- her ood"# neih+ore, 0rs

Cr!/s+#, who "i%ed riht net door !nd "oo'ed !-ter the c!ts

whi"st *r!/int! w!s !t wor'7 .T!'es ! ood de!" o- "oo'in

!-ter these c!t when she.s !t wor' : !nd th!t.s nothin to "!r-!+out> .

The who"e street h!d +einnin to worr# !+out *r!/int!.s


41/53

"!r-ter7 Wh#; h!dn.t she +een "!r-in !nd "i%in there -or n#e:

+e%!n thirt# #e!rs, continu!""# "!r-in hee> hee> !nd !nno#in

the/; The# +e!n to ho"d /eters to see wh!t cou"d +e done :

!-ter !"" the# h!d to "i%e with her h!dn.t the#; It w!s the/

who h!d to !"w!#s 'ee he!rin her in!ne "!r-tor7 *t one such

/eetine the# deci"e to c!"" on the he" o- *r!/int!s. +o#:-iend who w!s c!""ed ich!rd (so/eti/es ich!rd the Turd, +ut

th!ts !nother stor#)7 .We"" I dont 'now de!r -riends,. s!id

ich!rd, who h!ted the/ !""7 This w!s !t the second /eetin'>

O+%ous"ie s!/tin hed tow +e doon : !nd Auic'"#7 *r!:

/int!s. -!ce w!s sre!din !+oon the countr#, eoch"e -r!/ !""

w!"'s o- "e +e!n to re!rden her with ! cert!in insiht "e-t7

.Wh!t c!non I do th!t wou"d Aue"" this /irth wh!t is r!du:,

!""# dr#in /e to drin', h!%e I not +eso'en to her o-ten,

+ettin her to ce!se, thre!t"in : c!?o"son : !rs'in, "e!ses stothis "!r-tor *r!/int!7 I !/ !t the end o- /# "e!ther : /# cu

'enneth conner,. ich!rd s!#7 The eo"e o- the street /u+:7

+ered in !ree/ent, wh!t cou"d he do; He w!s -oin his %est7

.We wi"" !s' the ic!r,. s!id 0rs Cr!/+se#, .Sure"# he c!n

eercise it out o- her; . The eod"e !reed : .Sure"# the ic!r

c!n do it i- !n#+ott# c!n7. The ic!r s/i"ed ! -unn# "itt"e s/i"e

who"st the oo eo"e s"!ined the trou/er7 When the# h!d h!d

-inished se!chin he rose u r!nd"# -ro/ his +!rthch!ir !nd

s!id "oud !nd c"e!r .Wh!t do #ou /e!n e!ct"#;. The eod"e

sihed !n s"ow"ies st!rted to st!rt !!in te""in hi/ !+out the

!w-u" c!se o- *r!/int!.s "!r-in7

.2ou /e!n she ?ust 'ees "!r-in -er no ! !rent se!son;. he

s!id +riht"#7 .2ess th!t.s it -!8!c'er"# ic!r,. s!id ich!rd,

./ornin noon !nd nie, !"w!#s "!r-in "i'e ! /!d thin7. The

ic!r "oo'ed u -ro/ his 'nittin !nd oened7 his /ouths7

.So/ethin wi"" h!%e to +e done !+out th!t ir" "!r-in !"" the

ti/e7 It.s not riht7.

.I re!""# douhnut see th!t it is !n# concer%!ti%e o- thiers

whether i "!r- or n!/ent,. sihed *r!/int! o%er ! "enth# %ic:ti/7 .The tri-"e with the eo/"e !round here is th!t the# h!%e

-oroden how, I ree!t, how to "!r-, re%erend, th!t.s wh!t I

thin' !n#how7.

She w!s o- corset t!"'in to the etre/e"# re%erend LIONEL

H5HES7 She h!d one to see hi/ in c!se he cou"d he" her

in !n# s/!"" w!#, considerin he w!s !"w!#s soutin o-- !+out

he"in eou"e she thouht she.d i%e hi/ ! tr# !s it were7

.Wh!t c!n I s!# /# de!r, I /e!n wh!t c!n I s!#; . *r!/int!

"oo'ed !t the ho"# -in' with dis+e"ie-7 .Wh!t do #ou /e!n :wh!t c!n I s!# : don.t !s' /e wh!t to s!#7 I c!/ here to !s'

#ou -or he" !nd #ou h!%e the !ud!cid!cidit# to !s' /e wh!t to


42/53

s!# : is th!t !"" #ou h!%e to s!#;. she #e""owed7 .I 'now e!ct"#

how #ou -ee" S!/!nth!, I h!d ! cousin the s!/e w!#, cou"dn.t

see ! thin without his "!sows7.

*r!/int! stood u in ! 'ind o- suit, she ic'ed u her own

/one"s !nd r!n serious"# out o- the roo/7 .No wonder he on"#

ets three in on Sund!#> . she ec"!i/ed to ! s/!"" rou o-we""wishers7

* #e!r or /ore !ssedo%er with no ch!nei in *r!/int!.s

str!ne "!r-in7 .Hee> hee> hee> she went dri%!n herse"- !nd

e%erone !round her ins!ne7 THEE SEE0E$ NO EN$ TO

THE OLE07 This went on -or eiht# #e!rs unti" *r!/int!

died "!r-in7 This did not he" her neih+ers /uch7 The# h!d !""

died -irst, : which w!s one o- the /!n# thins th!t *r!/int!

died "!r-in o--7

CASSANDLE

2 o u ! " " ' n o w / e

How /!n# ti/es h!%e I w!rned #ou !"" !+out /# te"ehone; We"" it

h!ened !!in> Once /ore I cou"dn.t et throuh to /# *unt# esst, !nd

#et !!in I ne!r"# didn.t et /# -!/ous co"u/n with ! icture o- /e

inset throuh those d!/n +"!sted oer!tors> 2O5 'now how I h!te

those d!/n +"!sted oer!tors7 2ou !"" 'now /e7 THIT2 TWO ti/es

I tried to et throuh with /# -!/ous co"u/n !nd thirt# two ti/es I

w!s to"d to .erro-- the "ine #er +orein. ow"d !ss+!>. When I to"d

! co""e!ue or two, the# cou"dn.t not +e"ie%e it, !-ter !"" h!dn.t I

+een writin the s!/e thin -or sit# #e!rs; 2ou !"" 'now /e777

T h e w ! # I s e e i t

How /!n# /oron o- these incredi+"e s"e!s# +!c'w!rd, +!d, de!- /on:

'e#s, !rsin !s entert!iners, with thier &LOTOE$ h!ir, -!""in

!+out the "!ce "i'e 0!r# IC@&O$, do I h!%e to ut u with;

The w!# I see it, ! ood s/e"" in the *r/# wou"d cure the/, et rid o- !-ew /ore c!it!"ist +!rs'ets (OOS>)7 Not +ein !+"e to st!nd

c!it!"is/, I -!i" to see wh# those !w-u" co//on "!ds /!'e !"" th!t

/one#, in site o- /e !nd the o%ernrnent in ! societ# such !s

ours where our t!"ent wi"" out7

I 'now I./ ! +!"d o"d et with "!sses (SEE ICT5E)7 0!#+e I ouht to

+e th!n'-u", +ut I dou+t it777

@ o / s d e r r e % o " u t i o n

C!%i!re is co""ected -or /e with Ho""#wood7 $o #ou rerne/+er when Ih!d dinner with th!t suer si--in showdo 0i'e 9 (ound the W!"" in

Eiht# $!#s, the "!te) Todd#; We"" he "o%ed c!%i!rseDre!t ots o-


43/53

itD !nd he !ssu"/ed derr# +odd# e"- did !nd i- the# didn.t, the# shou"d

d!/n it (OS>)7 2ou !"" 'now /e, we"" I don.t "i'e it, !nd I -ind /#se"-

(so/ti/es) -ihtin ! -ierce !nd wonder-u"" %er+!" +!tt"e !s to

whether I shou"d +e -orthed !!inst /# wi"" to e!t this cost"# de"ic!s#

-ro/ the C!si!n Se!7


44/53

here to te"" hi/ (0r 0oth+!""s) th!t he h!s +itten o-- /ore

th!n he c!n chew7 How de!rie i/"# th!t 0r Ccouh is

soci!""# inurdent; W!s it not Ccouh who/ st!rted o-- the

wor"ed wide or!nise!tionses, which in turn +rouht i/idi!te

resonse -ro/ the Western *""i!nce (T7 57 7)7 I- 0r S/ith:

+!r+s sincere"# i/!ines th!t Indonero is re!""# oin to!tt!c' the *ustr!"i!n continent with the e#es o- the wor"ed

uon the/ I c!n on"# !su"/e th!t he (0r S/!""+urns) h!s

t!'en "e!- o- his sentries> H!s he -orettin 0r Ccouh.s

r!et see' !t the *se/+"# o- N!ti%es; Is he !"so -or+ett:

in th!t hithertoe unress#dess# ch!rter : the "ested O"d

Widows : which w!s c!rried throuh the House with ! 0!?o""it#

%ote;

In -uture I ho+e thet 0r S/e""+!rth wi"" re-ri!n

-ro /!'ein wi"d !nd d!neroo st!te/onths7I re/!in sti"",

#ours -or the !rs'in,

Jenni-!rse Couh (no re"!tions)7

7S7 C*N I HEE * HOT2 O& WIN$2 ST*N$STILL ;

Editors &oot+!""7

:::::::::::::::::

We"" /!!.//, the o"d Co+"ers thin' #ou.re ! %er# "uc'#

christion7 Wish there were ! -ew /ore "i'e #ourse"- /!!.//>>>

SILLY NORMAN

.I re!""# don.t 'now woot to /!' o- these,. s!id Nor/!n, !s

he sorted throuh hi/ Chri/+!s osed7 .It see/ woot I it

/ower "itters und !rs'e"s th!n woot I 'now eo"es, it su"i:

8eses /oi /oor et /oor e!ch #!r, !s /oor on these !res'"e

'ee coo/in7 I re!""# doon.t 'n!w whew !"" the# +od# !re :

sedd"in i' !"" this7. He c"!+ Auite"# too the -ire, she%in ! -ew

/ouh ruddish !wn7 .It.s c!/e tow ! rett# !rse when I don.te%i" 'new where the# c!/ -ro7. Nor/!n coo !n stett# 'ee"

!nd ro/t"# wed intow thee 'itcheon tow ut u thee 'ett"e

orn7 .I /iht !s we"sh /!' /e ! cooer te!, I niht !s we"

he% ! choco"ush +irs'it !s we"", wi"e I do nodd#7. So s!#in so

he /!rshed o--er to th!t te!od !nd t! it to th!t sin +ud to

he re# su--ise : wh!t> : +!t noo w!rt#7 .oo+ her!"ds> wh!t.s

!"" o- thi8 oine !wn; $oe /ein ice des"ee%e /e; */ I 'not

"oo-in !t /e owen sin:unice, !nd there +e 'now w!rt#;. He

w!s Au!it r!iht, "o> the w!rt# didn noo !e!r, tre# !s he /!#:+e7

O-- course we !"" 'now whe# this w!rt# do no coo/+, +e:


45/53


46/53

Which ?u+ sh!w #er : :

.Howe%er +"!c'oo" tower /!#+e,

In ti/e the#."" +!ss!w!#7

H!%e -!ith !nd tru/!nd C :

ri--s. "iht /!'e +riht #our d!#7.

*0EN (end /ic'!e"! dentist7)

MR BORIS MORRIS

Howe%er 0r oris 0orris w!s /or!n th!n'-u" -or his n!rrow

esc!e is "!re"# ut down to his h!# 'n!c' o- +ein in the

riht "!ce !t the riht "!ce7 &or st!nce, oris w!s the one

who/ cornered 0iss e!r" St!ines !t her i/ro/tu +ut "iht:

he!rted !r+!e !rt"#7

.0iss St!ines. he h!d shouted .how co/e #ou ne%er in%ited

#er sister to the do;.

.&or the s!/e re!son I didn.t in%ite #ou 0r 0orris. she re:

"iht re!chin -or !no%en he"in7

oris w!s no -ude, he Auic'"# /e"ted into the +!c'c"oth

"i'e !n o"d c!'e, s"ih"# t!'in c!nd# shots o- 0iss St!ines with

her re"!ti%e"#7

.She won.t in%ite /e to the net do either. he re/!r'ed out

"oud with !+o%e !%er!e c"!rit#7

oris w!s e"sie the /!n who/ ot the hoties o- the $ue o-ed!n doin thins !t the !n#e!r"# ?! -esti%!", /uch to the

suer o- the $uchess set7 Thus then w!s oris 0orris ! /!n o-

re!t re'nown !nd -!/i"i!rit#, !cceted !t do.s o- the we!"th#

!nd the oor !"i'e he""7 He w!s 'new !s the ?ew with ! %iew,

!nd he h!d7 Not "on !-ter one o- his /ore we"" 'nown esc!:

!des, he w!s un-ortun!+"e to recie%e ! terri+"e +"ow to his

eo7 He w!s shot in the -!ce !t ! Hunt !"" +ut no+od# e!"e

-ound out ti"" the end +ec!uh the# !"" thouht it w!s ! c"e%er

/!s'7.Wh!t ! c"e%er /!s' th!t /!n h!s on,. w!s he!rd once or

twi7

It w!s not the end o- oris !s #ou /iht we"" i/!rin, +ut

e%en +e-ore his -!ce set he w!s to e!si"# reconi8!+"e !t /ost

"!ces, with e!"e ointin !t hi/ s!#in thin "i'e .Wh!t !

ood shot. !nd other7 *"" this set oris thin'in, seci!""# in the

/ornin when he w!s sh!%in his sc!+s, !s on"# he 'new how7

.0ust -i this +"o+ o- /ine. he.d s/i"e o%er ! -!ce-u" o- +"ot:

tin !er7.2ou cert!in"# /ust de!r. s!id his !/i!+"e o"d wi-e, .wh!t


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with /e not ettin !n# #ouner7.

BERNICE'S SHEEP

This niht I "!+"e down to s"eeWith he-t# he!rt !rid /uch s!ddened

With !"" the +u++"es o- the wor"d

r!ttin /# +ou"ders

Oh de!r shee

I s"!ter countin one +e one

Ti"" I c!n cow no/ore this d!#

Ti"" +ethn# h!rd !ches "e!%e we

E"+in /# eth+reeds

$e!r ri--.s son

Wh!t 'ees /e !"+erts ow" -e""oon

Th!t is e!r" I !s' -ro/ !n#+ott"#

Th!t I r!e /e d!i"# wor'

Cronchin our +!tter

0# own +!sssoon7

C!n I et ! ri++"e o- /e

Shou"d I he--er !"w!# sic'ened

Shou"d #ou n!++ie /# -ur+ern

Wi"-in their +us+ie

Oh de!r /e7No> I sh!"" stre8e /# e+er:te!>

With "iht"# "o!- !nd re!t "!r-ter

With he!d he"d e#e !nd !""

r!--in /# rhi/+er

Oh de!r shee7

LAST WILL AND TESTICLE

.I, !rro"d ein!"d un'er:H!rAu!rt

+ein o- sound /ind #ou, "i/ !nd +odie,

do on this d!# the 1K o- Sete/er 19B4th,

"e!%e !"" /# +e"odins est!te !nd +rown

suits to /# nice neice E"sie7 The !+o%e

!--or/entioned here!-ter to +e 'et in !

"!re +o untit she is B1 o- !e, then to +e

re"e!sed !/onst ! +irthd!%e !rt# i%en

in her honour7 She wi"" then +e whee"ed"!d"# into the re!t H!"" or 'itchen,

!nd !"" /# word"# ood he!ed uon her


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49/53


50/53

2er shri%e""ed "itt"e c"own> .

*t "!st he -inished !c'in !"",

His iron h!nd !s we""7

He e%en !c'ed the enis

Wh!t he.d won !t +!!te""7

=Sect #ou."" write ! "ine or two;.He whined : who cou"d resist;

We he"d his -!ce +ene!th the "iht

*nd wrote ! shoin "ist7

.ood+#e /# sons !nd -!re thee we"",

I +"!/e #er not #er see,

It.s !"" #er /others doin "!ds,

She.s h!d it in -or /e7.

.2ou "e!%e our /other out o- this>.

We scre!/ed !"" -ur# r!e,.*t "e!st she.s wor'in -or her 'ee

*nd ne!r"# twice #our !e>.

.I.d sooner st!r%e th!n +e ! whore>.

The o"d /!n s!id, !"" hurt7

.I//or!" e!rnins !ren.t -or /e,

!nd "i%in o-- her dirt7.

.She w!shes e%er#d!#,. we s!id

Toether, !"" !t once7

.It.s /ore th!n c!n +e s!id -or #ou

2er dirt# "itt"e once>.

*t "!st uon the dooiste -ront

He turned !nd with ! w!%e

He wished us !"" .ood He!%ens.

*nd hoed we.d !"" +eh!%e7

.The +est o- "uc' to #ou o"d d!d>.

We s!id with s"iht re/orse,

.2ou."" di it in the wor'house /!n7.

(He wou"dn.t thouh o- course7)

.*h we"" he.s one !nd th!ts ! -!ct,.We /uttered !-ter "unch,

*nd hurried to the roo/ in which

He used to w!sh his hunch7

.We"" here.s ! +"essin in disuiseF

Not on"# /one# tooF

He.s "e-t his ension +oo' !s we""

The s"i/# "itt"e ?ew>.

.Wh!t "uc' we."" h!%e ! !rt#

In%itin !"" our -riend7We.%e on"# one +ut she.s ! "!uh

She "ets us !"" !ttend7.


51/53

We ne%er he!rd -ro/ d!d !!in

I .sect we ne%er sh!""

ut he."" re/!in in !"" our he!rts

: ! +udd# -riend !nd !"7

I BELIEVE, BOOT...

*/!n c!/e u to /e the other d!# !nd s!id : .Te"" /e

%ic!r : te"" /e the de!-inition o- sin;. : !nd #ou 'now, I

couIdn.t !nswer hi/> Which /!'es /e thin' : do #ou e%er

wonder (!nd wh!t do we /e!n +# the word wonder;) wh!t

!n ordin!r# /!n (!nd wh!t : I !s' /#se"- do we /e!n +#

!n ordin!r# /!n;) who wor's in o--ice or -!ctor# : oes

to church ont Sund!# (wh!t e!ct"# do we /e!n +#Sund!#;) who is !"so ! sinner (we !re !"" sinners)7

eo"e !re !"w!#s co/in u to /e !nd !s'in : .Wh#, i-

ri-- is so ood !n+ !"/iht# : wh# does he +rin such

/iser# into the worId;. : !nd I c!n truth-u""# s!# St7*"- : ch

K %erse : !e 97 .ri-- w!"'s in such /#sterious w!#s

His woodwor' to er-or/. (wh!t do we /e!n +# er-or/;)

Which "e!ds /e ne!t"#, I -ee", to our net uest -or toniht:

* /!n who/ is stic'"e troddin the !thw!# to our +e"o%e+

ri-- : s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# I !/ here to he" with the +rides he

/ust sure"# cross7: .We"co/e to our studios toniht 0r

W!+oo+! (! -oreiner).

0r W7 .He""ow #ou e% +o#7.

e%7 We""> 0r Wo+oo+! : /!# I c!"" #ou Wo; Wh!t is

the +!sic ro+"e/ #ou !re -!cin; (He s/i"es)

0r W7 .2ou> white tr!sh christi!n +o#7. (He !"so s/i"es)

e%7 H/n> c!n #ou h!""ucin!te; (He co"ours)

0r W7 .I c!n7. (Co"ourin too)

e%7 We""; (He s/i"es)

0r W7 .Wot !h w!nt to 'now /!n : is wh# !"/iht# ri-- con:tinoo!""# insists on str!i'in /! -e""ow +"!c'oo" inde

-!#se;.

e%7 * /!n tr!%e""in on ! tr!in : "i'e #ou or I : to

Scot"!nd, h!d two or two +!d es in his oc'et :

!nd #ou 'now : no one wou"d sit +# hi/7

0r W7 .ut !h dont see d!t #o. christshi7 *h /e!n, !h don.t

see de re"e%ence7.

e%7 .We"", W!+oo+! : "et /e ut it this w!#7 In ri--.s

e#e, we !re !"" ! +unch o- +!n!n!s : sw!#in in the+ree8e : w!itin !s it were, W!+oo+! : to +e ee"ed

+# His re!t !nd underst!ndin "o%e : so/e o- the/


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-!"" on ston#cro-t : !nd so/e -!"" on the w!istco!t7

0r W7 .We"" #o. worshi, !h s!#s d!t i- de ri-- don.t "!i'e de

eo"es in de wor"d st!r-in !n. !"" d!t c.n #ou te"" /e

wh# d!t de oe h!%e !"" de/ rich ro+es!n. ?ewe"r# !n

+i house to "i%e : when /! eo"e cou"d -it too tous!nd

or /o. in d!t !tic!n H!"" : !nd !"so de *rch +itter o-C!nter+u++"e : hi/ too>.

e%7 *i don.t thin' th!t the *rch +isho-- wou"d "i'e to "i%e

in the !tic!n with th!t /!n# eo"e 0r W!+oo+!

: +esides he.s C7 o- E7

0r W7 .*h don.t /e!n d!t #ou white tr!sh christ/!s i/eri!":

ist >.

e%7 No one h!s e%er c!""ed 0E !n i/eri!"ist +e-ore,

0r W!+oo+!7 (He s/i"es)

0r W7 .We"" !h h!%e7. (S/i"in too)e%7 2ou cert!in"# h!%e 0r W!+oo+!7 (He turns

other chin !nd "e!ns -orw!rd s"ow"# "oo'in !t 0r

W!+oo+! r!ther h!rd7 0r W!+oo+! "e!ns -orw!rd r!ther

/ore Auic'"# !nd the# +oth 'iss7)

0r W7 .*h -ori%e #ou in de n!/e o- &!tt# W!""er de re!t

s!%ious o- /! eo"e7. (He s/i"es)

e%7 *i too !/ c!!+"e o- co/!ssion de!r W!+oo+! :

!nd in the n!/e o- the &!ther, Soc' !nd 0ic'#

0ost, I -ori%e #ou sweet +rother7

(With th!t the# c"!s e!ch other,in ! +rother"# w!# !s i-

-orettin the# !re sti"" on c!/er!7)

e%7 H!%e #ou e%er +een to rihton de!r W!too+!;

0r W7 .*h ?es. ot +!c' sweet christi!n -riend non de worse

-or we!rin7. (The# et u "!ss# e#ed !nd "in'in !r/s

s"ow"# w!"' out o- the studio to the %er# "e-t ro%in

th!t !r+itr!tion is one !nswer to de rod"e/7)

& * $ E O 5 T O N S 5 I T * L E C H I S T I * N

C * T I O N S

THE EN$


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johnlennon64-65

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