kara no kyoukai ch.1
TRANSCRIPT
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Chapter1
Chapter1:OverlookingViewThischapterisanintrototheworldandthecharactersofKaranoKyoukai.
PART6/6completed!!Part1
NOTE1:Thisistranslatedfromthewebpageversion,soitisslightlydifferentfromthebookversion.
NOTE2:Iwillnottranslatethewholebook,onlythechaptersthatwereavailableviatheweb.
NOTE3:NOTPROOFREAD.Pleaseignoreanybadwording/grammer
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Thatday,Ichosetotakethemainstreettogohome.Itwasjustonawhim,averyrarethingformetodo.
WhenIwaswalkingmidstthebuildingsIseeeveryday,someonecamecrashingdown.Awetcrushingsoundthatyouwillnormallyneverhear.Itwasobviousthatthepersondiedafterfallingoffoneofthebuildings.Acrimsoncolorspreadsa
crosstheground.Theonlythingthat'sleftnoticeablewasthedarkblackhair,andthethin,white,weak-lookingarmsandlegs...Andthesmashedupface.Thewholescenewassurroundedbytheoldsummer,anditremindedmeofapressedflowerthathasflattenedoutfrombeinginbetweenabook.
...Probably,becausethecorpsewhichhadonlyitsneckbrokenlookedlikeabrokenlilytome...
1.OverlookingView(Thanatos)-FujohKirie-
/1
OnthenightatthebeginningofAugust,Mikiyacamebywithoutanynotice.
"Goodevening.Youlooklazyasalways,Shiki"
Thesuddenvisitorstoodbythedoorashegivesaboringgreetingwithasmile.
"Totellyou,Ijustsawanaccidentonmywayhere.Agirljumpedoffofatopofabuilding,it'sasuicide.Iheardit'shappeningquiterecentlybutIneverthoughtI'dseeonemyself.Here,putthisinthefridge."
Hethrowsmeaplasticbagofaconveniencestoreasheuntieshisshoesbythedoor.InsidearetwostrawberryHaagendasz.IguesshemeansIshouldputtheminthefridgebeforetheymelt.
WhileIwasslowlycheckingoutwhat'sinsidethebag,Mikiyahastakenoffhisshoesandhasalreadycameinside.
Myhouseisaroominamansion.Ifyougopastthehallwaywhichisn'tevenameterlong,yougettotheroomwhereit'sbothmybedroomandmylivingroom.WhileglaringatMikiya,whoisquicklymakinghiswaytomyroom,Ifollowhim.
"Shiki.Youskippedschoolagaintoday,right?Idon'tcareaboutyourgrades,butyouwon'tbeabletopassunlessyougetthereuiredattendance.Didyouforgetaboutourpromisetogotocollegetogether?"
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"Doyouhavetherighttoordermearoundaboutmyschool?Firstofall,Idon'trememberthatkindofpromise,andyou'vealreadydroppedoutofcollege."
IglareatMikiyaasIsayso.Helooksdowncastwhiletryingtocomeupwithwords.
"...Uh,ifyousayrights,therearen'tanyrightsforanybody,but..."
Soundingsophisticated,Mikiyasitsdown.
Hetendstoletouthistruefeelingswhenhe'sonthedefence...it'ssomethingIrecalledjustrecently.
Mikiyasitsdowninthemiddleoftheroom.AsIsitdownonthebedbehindhim,Ilaymybodyacrossit.Mikiyastillhashisbackturnedtome.IthoughtlesslylookatMikiya'sback,whichisabitsmallforabeingaguy.
ThismannamedKokutohMikiyaseemstobemyfriendfrombackinhighschool.
Intherapidagefullofyoungsterswhichmanythingsgetfamousandgoesawayquickly,Mikiyawasararepersonthatkeptanimageofastudent.
Hedoesn'tdyehishairorletitgrowlong.Hedoesn'tgetatanorwearaccess
ories.Hedoesn'tcarryacellphoneorplayaroundwithwomen.Heisaround170cmorso.Hiskind-lookingfaceismoreonthecutersideandhishugeblackglassesmakesthatfeaturestandoutevenmore.
Eventhoughheisdressednormallyandhe'soutofschool,hemightlookgoodenoughtocatchafewpeople'sattentionifheactuallydressednicely.
"Shiki,areyoulistening?Isawyourmother.YoushouldgovisityourhouseofRyohgiatleastonce.Iheardthatyouhaven'tevencontactedthemsinceyougotoutofthehospitaltwomonthago."
"...Idon'tcare.Itcan'tbehelpedcauseIcan'treallytakeinthefact.We'lljustfeelmoredistantevenifweseeeachother.Istillfeelweirdtalking
toyou,sothere'llbenowayI'llbeabletokeepupaconversationwiththosestrangers."
"Geez,thingswon'tgetanybetterifyoukeepactinglikethat.You'llbelikethisforeverifyoudon'topenupyourhearttothem.It'snotrightforafamilytolivesoclosetogetherandyetnevertalktoeachother."
Ifrownatthosewords.
Hesays"notright",butwhatexactlyis"notright"?There'snothingillegalinwhat'shappeningbetweenmeandmyparents.It'sjustthatthechildhasgotteninanaccidentandlostallmemories.Weareproventobeafamilyunderthelawandbythepapers,soI'dassumethere'snothingwronginbetweenus.
...Mikiyaalwaysworriesabouthowotherpeoplefeel.AlthoughIthinkthat'sjustpointless...
***
RyohgiShikiismyfriendsincehighschool.
Ourschoolwasafamousprivatehighschoolwhichtaughtalotofstudentswhowenttoagoodcollege.
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WhenIfirstwenttoseeifIgotintheschoolornot,thenameRyohgiShikistoodoutsomuchthatitstuckinmyheadandweendedupbeinginthesameclass.Sincethen,IbecameoneofthefewfriendsShikihad.
Ourschooldidnothaveuniforms,soeveryoneexpressedthemselvesbyhowtheydressed.Withinallthesepeople,Shikistillstoodout.
...BecauseShikiwouldalwaysbewearingakimono.
It'ssimpleformfitShiki'sshouldersanditmadetheclassroomfeellikeaold-stlyehousejustbyhavingShikiwalkthroughit.Someofthestudentshadarocker-styleoutfit,butinfrontofShiki,suchanoutfithadlessvaluetoitthanthefirsteditionofthemagazine"STYLE".IthinkthisisenoughtoexplainwhatkindofapersonShikiislike.
Shiki'sfacewasalsotooperfect.
Thehairisbeauifullikesilk,anditiscutwithsissorslazilyandkeptlikethat.ButitbecomesaperfectshorthairthatislongenoughtohideShiki'sear,whichsuitsShikisomuchthatmanypeoplemistakenShiki'ssex.Shikilookssohandsomethatwhenamanlooks,theyseeawoman,andwhenawomanlooks,theyseeaman.Shikilooksmorevaliantthanbeautiful.
ButmorethanShiki'slooks,whatcaptivatedmethemostwereShiki'seyes.Theyweresharpyetdelicate,anditcamewiththinbrows.ItfeltlikeShikiwasseeingwhatwewereunabletoseewiththoseeyes,andthatiswhateverythingShikimeanttome.
Yes.
UntilShikiendeduplikethat...
***
"Suicidebyjumpingoffsomething.Wouldthatbeconsideredanaccident,Mikiya?"
Mikiyagetshimselftogethertothatmeaninglessrant.Andheseriouslystartsthinkingaboutthequestion.
"Hmmm,I'msureit'sanaccident...butyou'reright.Iwonderwhatthatis.Sinceit'sasuicide,thepersonisdead.Butaslongasitisthatperson'swilltodoso,theblameisonlyonthatperson.Butsincefallingfromahighplaceisanaccident..."
"It'snotamurderoranaccidentaldeath?That'sambiguous.Theyshouldpickawaysotheywon'ttroubleothersiftheyweregoingtokillthemselves."
ItseemsmywordsangeredMikiyaabitashetakesaglancebehindhimtowardsm
e.
"Shiki,it'snotnicetotalkbadlyaboutdeadpeople."
Hisvoiceisnottoscoldme,butitissaidinaplaintone.Isawthatresponsecomingamileaway.
"Kokuto,Ihateyourcommonsensetalk."
Naturally,myresponsegetsabitharsh.Butitdoesn'tseemlikehecaresatal
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l.
"Wow,itsbeenalongtimesinceyoucalledmelikethat."
"Really?"
Mikiyanods.
Icallhimintwoways:KokutoandMikiya.Ididn'tlikethesoundof"Kokuto"...althoughIdon'texactlyknowwhy.
Inthatsmallsilencethatformedduringmypondering,Mikiyaclapshishandasifherememberedsomething.
"Oh,onthenoteofsomethingthat'srare,mysisterAzakasawit."
Notunderstandingwhathe'stalkingabout,Imakeafrown.
"It'sthatthing.ThegirloftheFujiyohbuilding,theonetheysayisflyingaround.Yousaidyousawittooonce."
Oh,Iremembernow.
Fromaroundthreeweeksago,intheskyaboveanexpensivemansionintheoffice
district,ahuman-likeformcouldbeseen.ThefactthatAzakasawittoomustmeanitreallydoesexist.
AfterIwasinacomafortwoyearsafterthataccident,Iwasabletoseethingsthatwere"notsupposedtobethere".AsToukowouldputit,Iamnotseeingthembutratherobservingthem.Inotherwords,itseemsthatIamabletoperceiveatahigherlevelwithmyeyesandbrain,butIdon'tcareaboutalltheexplanations.
"ThethingattheFujiyoubuilding,Isawthatthingafewtimes.ButIhaven'tbeenaroundthereforsometime,soIdon'tknowifit'sstillthere."
"Isee.IgobytherealotbutIneversawit."
"Youcan'tseeitcauseyou'rewearingglasses."
"Idon'tthinkglassesmatter",frownsMikiya.
Hisreactionissowarmandpure.That'sprobablywhyit'sharderforhimtoseethosekindsofthings.
Butboringincidentskeeponhappeninglikepeoplefallingandflying.Idon'tunderstandthemeaningbehindallthat,soIquestionoutloud.
"Mikiya,doyouknowwhypeoplefly?"
Mikiyashrugsatmyunexpectedquestionandanswersinanormaltone.
"Idon'tknowwhytheyflyorfall,becauseI'veneverdonesuchthingsbefore."
/2
OnthenightattheendofAugust,Idecidedtotakeawalk.
Theairisabitcoldfortheendofasummer.Thelasttrainhasalreadyleftandthetownisquiet.
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It'scold,quiet,andold,justlikeadeadcity.Eventhepasser-byseemssocoldandsoartificiallikephotos.Itremindedmeofanuncurabledisease....disease,illness,sickening.
Everything,theunlightedhouses,thelightedconveniencestore...everythingseemstheywouldcrumbledowniftheylettheirguardsdown.
Initall,themoonshinesthroughthenight.
Inthisworldwhereeverythingisdead,itseemslikethemoonistheonlythingalive,andithurtsmyeyes.
...That'swhatImeanbysickening
WhenIleftthehouse,Iputonablackleatherjacketontopofmylightbluekimono.
Thekimonogetstrappedinsidethejacketandburnsmybody.
Butit'sstillnothot...no,rather...
Forme,itwasnevercoldtobeginwith.
***
Eventhoughit'smidnight,youwillseesomepeopleifyoutakeawalk.
Amanhurryingdownthestreetwithhisfacedown.
Ayoungmanponderinginfrontofavendingmachine.
Manypeoplethathangoutinfrontoftheconveniencestore.
Itriedtofigureoutwhatreasonstheyhadforbeingthere,butIneverdidfigureitoutbeingjustanoutsider.
Firstofall,therewasnomeaningbehindmyselfwalkingoutlateatnight.
I'mjustrepeatingwhatIusedtodobefore.
...Twoyearsago.
Me,calledRyohgiShiki,wasabouttoheaduptothesecondyearinmyhighschoolwhenIgotinanaccident.Iwascarriedstraighttothehospital.
Iheardthatmybodydidn'tgetanyseriouswounds,butthethedamagewasconcentratedinmyhead.
Sincethen,Iwasinacoma.
Maybebecausemybodywasuninjured,thehospitalkeptmealive,andmymeaninglessbodyalsotriedtoliveon.
Andfinally,abouttwomonthsago,RyohgiShikirecovered.
Iguessthedoctorsweresoshockedasifacorpsehascomebacktolife.Isee,thattellsmehowmuchtheyexpectedmyrecovery.
Andmyselftoo,Iwasshockedforanotherreason.
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Mymemoryuptonowwasabitweird.
Toputitsimply,IcannottrustthememoriesIhave.
Thisisdifferentfrommemorydisorder,orratherwhatpeopleusuallycallamnesia.
AccordingtoTohko,memoryiscomposedoffoursystemsthatthebrainoperates:Writing,saving,replaying,andrecognizing."Writing"istakingwhatyouseeandwritingitintoyourbrainasinformation."Saving"istokeepthatinformationstored."Replaying"istorecallthestoredinformation.Inotherwords,remembering."Recognizing"istoconfirmthattheinformationrecalledisthesameastheeventthatactuallyoccured.
Ifonecannotperformanyoneoftheseprocesses,theyhaveamemorydisorder.Ofcourse,dependingonwhichsystemisdisfunctional,thecaseofmemorydisorderwillvary.
Butitmycase,allthesefunctionsareworkingproperly.Ican'treallyfeelmypreviousmemoriesasmyown,butthefunctionof"recognizing"isworkingproperlyasIcantellthatthememoryisindeedthesameaswhatI'veexperiencedbefore.
Butstill,Icouldnotbeconfidentaboutmypreviousself.IcouldnotfeelthatIamwhoIwas.
EvenifIdoremembermymemoryasRyohgiShiki,Icanonlyrecognizethememoryassomeoneelse's.Eventhoughthere'snodoubtthatI'mRyohgiShiki...
ThetwoyearsofemptynesshasreducedRyohgiShikiintonothing.
Notwhatthesocietythinks,butithascausedwhat'sinsideofmetocrumbleintonothing.MymemoryandthepersonalityIshouldhavehad...theconnectionwasutterlydestroyed.
Withthatbeingthecase,mymemorybecamenothingbutanimage.
Butbecauseofthatimage,IamabletoactlikeIusedto.IcancommunicatewiththepeopleIknewandmyparentsastheRyohgiShikitheyknew.Butwithoutanyconcernformyrealfeelings.
Tobehonest,thattroublesmesomuchthatIcanalmostnotstandthepain.
......It'sjustmimicryI'mnotlivingatall.
Justlikeanewbornbaby.Idon'tknowanythingandIhaven'texperiencedanything.Butthememoryofthepasteighteenyearshasmademeintoacompletehuman.
Ialreadyhavetheemotionspeopleoriginallylearnfromexperiencingmanyeventsasmymemory.ButIhavenotactuallyexperiencedthem.ButevenifIwantedtoexperiencethem,Ialreadyknowaboutthem.Thereisnoamazementnorfeelingofbeingalive....Justlikenotbeingabletobesurprizedbyamagicwhichyoualreadyknowthetrickto.
Andjustlikethat,IcontinuetoactlikeIusedtowithoutfeelingthatI'malive.
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Thereasonissimple.
BecauseifIdoso,Imightbeabletoreturntomypreviousself.
BecauseifIactlikethat,ImightfigureoutthereasontowhyItakethesewalkslateatnight.
...OhIsee.
ThenIguessyoucouldsaythatIaminlovewithmypreviousself.
/3
LookingupafternoticingthatIhavewalkedalongway,IfindoutIamintheofficeditrict.
Buildingsofthesameheightarestandingside-by-sidealongtheroadinawell-manneredfashion.Thesurfaceofthebuildingsarefilledwithglasswindows,andtheyareonlyreflectingthemoonlightrightnow.
Inthedarkness,thelargemirrorcreatedbythebuildingsarereflectingeachother'sfiguresindistinctively.
It'saquietnighttonight.
Thegroupofbuildingsbythemainstreetislikeaworldofshadowsthatthemonstersroamaroundin.
Deepinit,thereisashadowtallerthantherest.Thatbuildinglikeatwenty-storyhighladderlookedlikeatowerreachingforthemoon.
ThenameofthetowerisFujiyoh.
TherearenolightsoninthemansioncalledtheFujiyohbuilding.Theresidentsareprobablyallasleep.Probablybecauseit'salmosttwointhemorning.
Atthatinstant,anuninterestingshadowcatchesmyeyes.
Asilhouetteofafloatinghumanformcomesintomyvision.Notasafigureofspeech,butthegirlisreallyfloating.
Thereisnowind.
Thecoldnessintheairisabnormalforsummer.
Theboneinmynapecreaksfromthecoldness.
Ofcourse,it'sjustmyillusion.
"Isee.Soyou'reheretodaytoo."
Idon'tlikeit,butIcan'thelpwhatIcansee.
Andjustlikethat,thegirlweweretalkingaboutisflyingasifsheislyingonthemoon.Part2
Theimageisthatofandragonfly.Busilyflying.
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Abutterflycametofollow,butmyspeeddoesnotgodown.Thebutterflyeventuallycouldnotkeepupandfellasitwasabouttogooutofmyvision.Itfallsmakinganarch.Thefallingmotionlikethatofasnakelookedlikeabrokenlily.Theimageisareallysadone.Eventhoughwecannotgotogether,Ishouldhaveatleaststayedbyitssideabitlonger.Butthatisimpossible.BecauseasIdonothavemyfeetontheground,Idonotevenhavethefreedomtostandandstop.
***
SinceIcouldhearsomeonetalking,Idecidetogetup.
...Myeyelidsareprettyheavy.ThisisproofthatIstillneedtwomorehoursofsleep.
AsIthinktomyselfthatIampettyforstilltryingtowakeupinthatstate,mywillhaswonovermysleepiness.
...Really,I'mtroubledathowsimpleIam.
IthinkIfinishedupwritingthedrawingplanafterworkingonitallnight,an
dwenttosleepinTohko-san'sroom.
WhenIraisemyselffromthesofa,Iamindeedintheoffice.Inthesummersunlight,ShikiandTohko-sanseemtobetalkingaboutsomething.
Shikiisleaningonawallwhilestandingup,andTohko-sanissittingonapipechaircrosslegged.
"Morning,Kokutoh"
ThelookonTohko-san'sfacewhichismorelikeaglareisonlynormal....Seeingthatshehasherglassesoff,IguessshewastalkingwithShikiabout"those"kindsofthings.
Onthenoteofnormal,sheisdressedlikenormallyaswell.
Withherhairshortandherneckshowing,Tohko-sanlookslikeasecretary.Butsinceherglarelookssoscary,Ibetshewon'tevergetthatkindofaposition.
Theblackthinpantsandtheseeminglynewwhiteshirtsuitsher.
"Sorry,IguessIfellasleep."
Itrytomakeupanexcuse.
"Don'texplaintheobvious.Icantell."
Cuttingmeofflikethat,shetakeshercigarettetohermouth.
"Ifyou'reawake,gomakesomethingtodrink.Itshouldbeagoodrehabilitation."
Shemustmeanreformationwhenshesaysrehabilitation.
Idon'tknowwhyshewouldsaythattome,butsinceTohko-sanisalwaysliketh
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at,Idecidenottoquestionher.
"Doyouwantanything,Shiki?"
"I'mfine.I'mgoingtobedsoon."
Sayingso,Shikidoesindeedseemtobelackingsleep.
MaybeshetookawalklastnightafterIleft.
/2
NexttotheroomwhichisbothTohko-san'sroomandtheofficeisaroomlikeakitchen.
Maybeitwasanlaborsomethingbefore,butthesinkhasthreefaucetsinarow.Twoofthosehavemetalwireswrappedarounditandarenotforuse.Thereasonforthatisunknowntome.Butifyoulookatit,itwillletyouknowabithowboxersfeelwhentheyaretryingtoloseweight.Butyoudon'tgetmuchthankfulbecauseyoustartfeelingviolent.
Well.Iturnthecoffeemakerontomakecoffeeforthetwoofus.Idosoveryefficiently.I'malreadyamasteratbrewingcoffee.Butit'snotlikeI'mworkingheretomaketeaorcoffee...
It'sbeenhalfayearsinceIgotemployedhere.
No,thewordemployisnotright.Becausethisplaceisnotevenafunctionalworkplace.
Icamehereinspiteofthat,probablybecauseIfellinlovewiththatperson'swork.
AfterShikistoppedtimeattheageofseventeen,Igraduatedhighschoolandenteredcollegewithoutapurpose.
ItwasapromisemadewithShikitoenterthatcollege.
EvenifShikihadlittlehopeofrecovery,Istillwantedtokeepthatpromise.
Butnothingwasthereformeafterthat.AfterIbecameacollegestudent,Ijustlivedthroughthedays.
WhileIwaslivingaimlesslylikethat,IwenttoanexhibitIwasinvitedto,andendedupfindingadoll.
Itwasadollmadesodelicate,itseemedtobeatthelimitsofaman'sskills.Itwaslikeafrozenhuman,yetIthinkitexpressedthatit'sjustathingwithhumanshapewhichwillnevermove.
Butitwasjusttoobeautiful...
It'sahumanabouttostartmovinganysecondnow.Butit'sadollwhichdoesnothaveanylifetobeginwith.Aplacewhereonlythingswithlifecanreach,yetaplacewherenohumancanreach...
Ifellinlovewiththatambivalence.
ProbablybecauseeverythingaboutitsexistancewasexactlylikeShikibackthen.
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Itwasunknownwherethedollcamefrom.
Thepamphletdidnotevenshowofitsexistance.
WhenIdesperatelylookedforthesource,Ifoundoutthatitwasmadebyavolunteerandthecrafterwasonewithastrangerumorinthatindustry.
Thecrafter,whosenameisAozakiTohko,isahermittoputitsimply.Iguesshertruejobisdoll-making,butitseemsshedesignsbuildingsaswell.
Shedoesanythingthatinvolvesmakingsomething,butsheneveracceptsanyrequests.Shealwaysgoestosomeoneandshowsthemwhatshewillmake,andstartsmakingitonceshereceivesthepaymentupfront.
Shemustbeabigtimeprodigal,orjustabigweirdo.
IgotmoreandmorecuriousandIknewIshouldn'thave,butIfoundouttheaddressofthisweirdo(Icandeclaresowithconfidencenow!)
Itwasawayfromthecityanditwasanambiguousaddressnotintheresidentialdistrictortheindustrialdistrict.
Itwasn'tevenahouse.
Itwasanabandonedbuilding.
Andit'snotjustanormalabandonedbuilding.It'sreallyabandonedasit'sconstructionwasstartedafewyearsagowhentheeconomywasgoodandtheconstructionwasstoppedhalfwaywhentheeconomybecamebad.It'sshapeasabuildingisthere,buttheinterioristotallyunfinishedasthewallsandthefloorsarecompletelybare.
Itwouldhavebeensixstorieshighuponcompletion,butthere'snothingabovethefourthfloor.Now,it'smoreefficienttostartbuildingfromthetopfloor,butIguessitwasstillusingtheoldconstructionmethodbackthen.Sincetheconstructionwasstoppedhalfway,thehalf-donefifthfloorisliketherooftop.
Eventhoughthebuildingissurroundedbyatallconcretewall,it'seasytogetinto.It'samiraclesomekidsdidn'tmakeasecretbaseoutofit.
Anyways,IguessAozakiTohkoboughtthisabandonedbuilding.
Thekitchen-likeroomI'minrightnowisonthefourthfloor.ThesecondandthethirdfloorislikeTohko-san'sworkspace,soweusuallytalkonthefourthfloor.
...Let'sgetbacktothetopic.
Afterthat,IgottoknowTohko-sanandIendedupworkinghereandquittingthe
collegeIjustgotinto.
Unbelievably,Igetpaidhere.
AsTohko-sanputsit,therearetwotypesofpeoplewithoneoftwoattributes:Theonetomakeandonetosearch,theonetouseandtheonetodestroy.
ShetoldmefranklythatIhadnohopeastheonetomake,butshestillhiredme.ShesaidthatIhavetheabilityastheonetosearchorwhatnot.
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"You'reslow,Kokutoh"
Ihearherfromthenextroom.
Looking,Inoticethatthecoffeemakerisalreadyfilledwiththeblackliquid.
/3
"Iguesstheoneyesterdaymakeseight.Peopleshouldstarttonoticethesimilaritiesbynow."
Puttingouthercigarette,Tohko-sanabruptlysaysso.
Shemustbetalkingabouttherecentlyrepeatingsuicidesoffemalehigh-schoolstudentswhichtheyjumpoffofhighbuildings.
Ithinksobecausethere'snothingelseshewouldwanttotalkabout,withthissummerbeingonewithnoissuessuchaswater-shortage.
"Huh?Wasn'titsix?"
"Thereweremorewhileyouweredozingoff.ItstartedinJune,andit'saveragingaboutthreepermonth.Maybethere'llbeonemorewithinthenextthreedays."
Tohko-sansaysanillthing.Takingalookatthecalendar,Augustwillcometoanendinthreedays.......Threemoredays...?
Somethingaboutthatcatchesmyattention,butitfadesawayquickly.
"ButIheardtheyareallunrelated.Thegirlswhocommitedsuicidesareallsupposedlyfromdifferentschoolswithnoconnectiontoeachother.Well,itmightbethatthepoliceishidingthefact."
"You'renottrustingpeople?That'sunlikeyou."
Tohko-sangrins.
...Withherglassesoff,shecanbeinfinitelymean.
"Becausenowillhasbeentelevised.Six,noeightpeople.Ifthere'sthatmany,atleastoneshouldhaveleftbehindawill.Butifthepolicehasnotsaidanythingaboutit,you'dthinktheyarehidingthem."
"I'msayingthat'stherelation.OrIshouldsaytheconnectionpoint.Outoftheeight,morethanhalfareseenjumpingoffbythemselvesbywitnesses,buttheyareunabletofindanythingwrongwiththeirprivatelife.It'snotliketheyweredoingdrugsoraffliatedwithaweirdreligion.It'sdefinitelyasuicidewheretheyfeltuneasyaboutthemselvesandselfishlykilledthemselves.That'sprobablywhythecopsaren'ttakingabiginterestonthatpoint."
"Areyousayingthattherewasnowillfromthebeginning?"
AfterIsaysodoubtfully,Tohko-sannodsbutsaysshecan'tbetoosure.
Butcouldthatbepossible?
There'saninconsistancysomewhere.IthinkasItakethecoffeemugandtastethebitternessoftheliquidinside.
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Whywouldtherebenowill?Ifthereisnowill,peopleusuallywouldnotkillthemselves.
Awillisanattachmenttotherealworld.Whenapersonwhodoesnotliketodieisforcedtodie,thewilliswhattheyleavebehindasareasonfortheirdeath.
Asuicidewithoutawill...
Tohavenoneedtowriteawillmeanstheyhavenothingtoleavethisworld,andiswillingtodisappearwithoutanytraces.Thatwouldbetheperfectsuicide.Ithinkaperfectsuicidewouldbeonewithoutawillandeventhedeathitselfisnotfound.
Butcommittingsuicidebyjumpingoffabuildingisnotaperfectsuicide.Todieinawaytocatchpeople'sattentionseemsbyitselfawill.
Thenwhat?
Maybeit'sforadifferentreason...likesomeonestoletheirwill?No,thenthatwillnotbeasuicide.
Thenwhat?There'sonlyonelogicalanswerIcanthinkof.
Likeitsounds,maybethosewerejustaccidents.
Thegirlshadnointentionofdyingfromthebeginning.Thentherewouldbenoreasontowriteawill.It'slikegettinginvolvedinanunfortunateaccidentwhilegoingoutsideforabit.
JustlikewhatShikisaidlastnight.
...ButIcannotcomeupwithareasonwhytheywouldjumpoffabuildingwhentheywerejustgoingoutforabit.
"Thesuicideswillendateight.Therewon'tbeanymoreforawhile."
Shikicomesintotheconversationasiftointerruptmyragingthoughts.
EventhoughShikiseemstobeuninterestedinthissubject.
"Youcantell?"
Ihavetoask.
Shikinodswhilelookingfaraway.
"Iwentandlooked.Therewaseightthatwereflyingabout."
Thewell-shapedlipsletoutthosewords.
"Oh,sotherewerethatmanyatthatbuilding?Youknewfromthebeginninghowmanytherewere,Shiki?"
"Yeah,IfinisheditoffbutIthinkthosegirlswillstaythereforawhile.EventhoughIdon'tlikethatidea....HeyTohko.Doallthepeopleendupthatwaywhentheycanflyabitlikethat?"
"Idon'tknow.Youcan'tsayforsuresinceeveryone'sdifferentbutinthepast,ofthosewhohaveattemptedtoflywithjusthumanpowers,nonehassucceeded.
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Thewordflyandfallaretiedtogether.Butthemoreyou'rehookedtoflying,themoreyouforgetaboutthatfact.Asaresult,youenduptryingtoreachtheskiesevenafteryoudie.Notfallingtotheground,butasiffallingtowardthesky."
ShikifrownsatTohko-san'sresponse.
Shiki'sangry...butatwhat?
"Sorry,butIdon'tquitefollowtheconversation."
"Hmm?We'retalkingabouttheghostoftheFujiyohbuilding.AlthoughIcan'tsayforsureifit'sjustanimageorarealthingunlessItakealookatit.IwasthinkingofgoingtotakealookatitifIhadthetime,butifShiki'skilledit,there'snowayformetochecknow."
...Isee.AsIexpected,theyweretalkingabout"those"kindofthings.
WhenShikiandTohko-sanwithoutherglassestalktogether,theyusuallytalkabouttheseoccult-likethings.
"YouheardthestorythatShikisawthegirlfloatingattheFujiyohbuilding,right?Thatstoryhadmoretoitanditseemsthere'sahuman-likefigureflyingaroundthosefloatinggirls.Weweretalkingthatsincetheywon'tgoawayfrom
theFijiyohbuilding,maybethatplacewaslikeanetorsomething."
I'mtroubledathowmuchweirderandcomplexthestoryhasbecome.
AsifTohko-sancantellmyconfusion,shesumsupthewholething.
"Inotherwords,there'sonefloatinghumanattheFujiyohbuildingandarounditarethegirlswhodiedfromthesuicide.Thesegirlsareprobablysomethinglikeghosts.That'sprettymuchit."
Inod.
IunderstandthestorybutIguessI'mhearingthestoryafteritsoveragain.
SeeinghowShikitalked,itseemstheghostthingwasalreadytakencareof.
It'sbeentwomonthsinceIletthesetwomeet.I'mstartingtobecometheonetohearabouttheresultswhenitcomestothesekindsofstories.
Asanormalhumanbeingdifferentfromthesetwo,I'dliketostayawayfromthosestories.ButsinceIwouldnotliketobeignored,IthinkthisneutralstanceI'mholdingrightnowisperfect.
Iguesspeoplecallthisgoodnewswithinbadnews.Part3
/4
"Thatwholestorysoundslikeabadnovel."
Tohko-sanagrees.
Shikigetsmoreangryandstartstoglareatme.
HaveIdonesomethingtomakeShikimad?
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"Huh?ButShikisawtheghoststhereatthebeginningofJuly,right?Thentherewereonlyfourghostsbackthen?"
Isaytheobviousjusttoconfirm,butShikisaysno.
"Eight.Therewereeightfromthebeginning.LikeItoldyou,therewon'tbeanymoreaftereight.Intheircase,theorderistheopposite."
"Thenyou'resayingyousaweightghostsfromthestart?Likethatonefuture-seeinggirl?"
"Noway.I'mnormal.It'sjustthattheairthereisabnormal.Let'ssee...itfeelsweirdlikehotwaterandcoldwaterbeingrightnexttoeachother."
Tohko-sanfollows-upShiki'sambiguouswords.
"Soinotherwords,thetimethereisnotworkingproperly.It'snotlikethere'sonlyonewayfortimetopassby.Thetimeittakesforsomethingtorotawayisunfairlydifferentforeverything.Thenitshouldfollowthatanindividualashumanandit'smemorytakedifferenttimestodisappear.Whensomeonedies,doesthatperson'smemorydisappear?Itdoesn't,right?Aslongasthereareobservers(onestoremember),nothingdisappearsinstantly.Theyjustfadeaway.People'smemory...no,ratherrecords,iftheobserverhappenedtobetheenvironmentaroundthatperson,specialpeoplelikethosegirlswillremainandwalkt
hroughtownasanillusionevenaftertheydie.Thisispartofaphenomenoncalledghosts.Theonlyoneswhoseethisillusionaretheonesthatsharethememorieswiththeseghosts,namelytheirparentsandfriends.Shikiisanexceptionthough.Therearethosekindsof"passageoftimeforrecords",butatthetopofthatbuilding,thatisreallyslow.Thegirls'memoriesfromwhentheywerealivehasnotcaughtuptotheirrealstateyet.Asaresult,thememoriesstayalive.Whatcanbeseentherearetheactionsandtherealitiesofthosegirlswhosetimehappenstobepassingbyslowly."
Then,Tohko-sanlightsanothercigarette.
Sosheissayingthatwhensomethinggoesaway,aslongasIrememberaboutit,
itdoesnotmeanithasdisappeared,butmerememberingaboutitmeansit'salive,soifit'salive,itcouldbeseen?
That'sjustlikehallucination....No,Tohko-sanprobablyusedtheword"illusion"becauseitisdefinedassomethingthatisn'treal.
"Idon'tcareaboutallthatexplanations.There'snodangerinthat.Theproblemisher.IknowIgotthatthinggood,butifthere'samainbodysomewhereelse,we'lljustenduprepeatingthisoverandoveragain.I'mtiredofbeingMikiya'sbodyguard."
"Ifeelthesameway.I'lltakecareofFujohKirie.YoucanjusttakeKokutohhome.There'saboutfivemorehoursuntilhe'soffwork.Ifyou'regoingtosleep
,youcanusethefloorthere."
TheplaceTohko-sanpointedwasaplacethathasnotbeencleanedforthepastyearandwaslikeadirtyfurnace.
Ofcourse,Shikiignoresher.
"So,whatwasthatanyway?"
ShikiglaresatTohko-san.
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Thewizardwithacigaretteinhermouththinkstoherselfandwalksovertothewindow.
Fromthere,shelooksoutside.
Therearenolightingsinthisroom.Weonlygetthelightfromoutsideandit'shardtotellifitsmorningorafternooninhere.
Incontrast,theviewoutsidethewindowisclearlymid-day.Youcouldalmostseetheblazing-hotwhitesunlight.
Tohko-sanstaresatthesummerscenaryforawhile.
"Before,youcouldclassifyherasflying."
Thesmokesheblowsoutmixesinwiththewhitesunlight.
Istareatherbackasshelooksoutside...she'slikeamirageinallthiswhite.
"Kokutoh,whatdoyouthinkaviewfromahighplaceremindsyouof?"
Thissuddenquestionpullsmebackintoreality.
Ihaven'treallybeenatahighplacesinceIwenttotheTokyoTowerasachild.Idon'treallyrememberwhatIthoughtaboutitthen.OnlythingisthatItriedsohardtofindtheplaceIlived,butendedupnotbeingabletofindit.
"Maybesmall?"
"That'stooshrewdofaremark,Kokutou."
Acoldresponsecomesback.Well,Iwasabitdoubtfulaboutmyremarkmyself.Ipullmyselftogetherandtrytothinkofsomethingelse.
"Let'ssee.Thereisn'tmuchthatitremindsmeof,butIdothinkit'sbeautifu
l.Aviewfromahighplaceisoverwhelming."
Probablybecausethisresponsewasmorefrommyheart,Tohko-sannodsinagreement.
Andstillstaringoutside,Tohko-sancontinuestotalk.
"Thescenaryyouseeismagnificent.Evenanboringonelooksbeautiful.Butthat'snottheimpulseyoufeelwhenyoulookdownontotheworldyoulivein.Theoverlookingviewonlygivesyouoneimpulse..."
Sayingtheword"impulse",Tohko-sancutsoffhersentence.
Impulseisnotsomethingthatcomesfromwithinyoulikefeelings,butrathersomethingthatattacksyoufromtheoutside.Eveniftheoneattackedbyitdoesn'twantit.
Somethinglikeviolencethatattacksyouwithoutwarning,thatiswhatwecallimpulses.
Thenwhatistheviolencethatisbroughtbyanoverlookingview?
"Thatisbeing"far".Avisiontoobigcreatesavividseperationbetweenyouan
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dtheworld.Peoplecanonlyfeelsafearoundthingsclosetothem.Evenifonehasthemostdetailedmapandknowsexactlywheretheyare,it'sonlyinformation,right?Forus,theworldisonlysomethingwecanfeelourselves.Theboundariesbetweencities,countries,andtheworld,isonlysomethingthatourbrainrecognizesandweourselvescannotfeelthemunlessweactuallygotothatplace.Andinreality,thereisnothingwrongwiththatwayofrecognition.Butifthevisionistoolarge,discrepancyoccurs.The10mareaaroundyouthatyouactuallyfeelandthe10kmareathatyouarelookingdownon.Theyareboththeworldyoulivein,yetyoufeelthefirstoneasmorereal.See?There'salreadyaninconsistancy.It'smorecorrectforyoutorecognizethelargerworldyouseeastheworldyouliveinratherthanthesmallspacearoundyou.Butnomatterhowhardyoutry,youcannotfeelthatyouarelivingonthisbigworld.Thereasonbeing,whatfeelsmorerealisalwayssomethingthatisaroundyou.Yourreasoningasyourknowledgeandyourexperienceasyourfeelingcrashesagainsteachotherandeventually,onewillloseandconfusionwillstart....howsmallthecityisfromuphere.Ican'tevenimaginemyhousewasdownthere.Wasthatparkshapedthatway?Ididn'tevenknowthatwasthere.ThisislikeatownIdon'tknowabout.ItfeelslikeI'vecometoaplacefaraway....Ahighperspectivebringsthesekindsofthinkings.Eventhoughthepersonisstillstandingononepartofthatcitythey'relookingdownon..."
Ahighplaceisaplacefaraway.Thatistruedistance-wise.ButTohko-sanmust
meanthementalaspectofit.
Twoplacesaparthorizontallyandvertically.Theonlydifferencebetweenthetwoisifyoucanorcan'tlookdownontheotherplace.
"Soyoumeanit'snotgoodtokeepyourvisionatahighplace?"
"Ifyougotoofar.Intheancienttimes,theskywasconsideredtobeanotherworld.Toflymeantgoingtotheotherworld.Youwillbedrownedinanotherwillifyoudonotprotectyourselfwithtechnology(metal).Justlikeitsounds,yougocrazy.Well,ifyoudohavearightprotectiononyourrecognition,youwon'tbeaffectedthatmuch.Itwon'tbeaproblemifyouhaveafirmplacetostandon.You'll
bebacktonormalwhenyougetbackontheground."
...Nowthatshementionsit,whenIwaslookingdownontheschoolgroundfromtherooftoponce,IsuddenlywonderedwhatwouldhappenifIjumpeddown.
Ofcourse,itwasjustajoke.
Ihadnointentionofactuallydoingso,butwhydidIgetthatthoughtwhenitobviouslyleadstodeath?
Tohko-sansaysthereareindividualdifferences,butIthinkit'scommonforpeopletoimagineaboutfallingwhenathighplaces.
"Doesitmeanyourmindgoescrazyjustforaninstant?"
Tohko-sanlaughswhenIblurtoutwhatIthought.
"Everyonedreamsaboutthetaboo,Kokutoh.Humanshavethegreatabilityofself-pleasurebyimaginingthingstheycannotdo.But...yeah,that'sprettyclose.Theimportantthingisthatthethoughtonlycomesataspecificplace-atthatplaceitself.Well,Iguessthat'sprettyobvious.Tospeakinyourcase,Ithinkyourmindisn'tcrazy,butrathernumb."
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"Tohko,you'retalkingfortoolong."
ShikiinterruptsasiftosayShikican'tstanditanymore.Cometothinkofit,wemighthavestrayedoffthemaintopic.
"It'snotlongatall.Ifyousayintermsofconstructingatopic,we'reonlyonthesecondpart."
"Ionlywanttoheartheend.Idon'twanttohearyouguystalk."
"Shiki..."
It'smean,butIguessshealsohasapoint.
Shikicontinuestocomplain,ignoringme.
"And,yousaythere'saproblemwithviewsfromhighplaces.Thenwhatisanormalview?Evenwhenwe'rewalking,wehaveahigherviewthantheground."
IncontrasttoShiki'sattitudeoftryingtofindholes,Ithoughtthearguementdidhaveapoint.
Aperson'seyesarecertainlyatahigherlevelthantheground.Thenthatwouldmeanourviewissomewhatoverlookingtheworld.
Tohko-sannodsatShiki'swords.Iguessshe'sjustgoingtosaytheconclusionnow.
"Butthegroundyouthinkisflatisactuallyabitangled.Butevenincludingthat,younevercallournormalvisiontobeoverlookingsomething.Avisionisnotwhatyoureyessee,butit'sanimagethatyourbraincomprehends.Ourvisionisprotectedbycommonsense,soweneverfeelourheighttobehigh,andit'sevenconsiderednormal.There'snonotionthatit'shigh.Butontheotherhand,everyoneislivingwithavisionthatisoverlooking.Notaphysicalvision,butImeanourmentalvision.Everyoneisdifferent,butalargermindwilltrytogohigher.Butstill,itwillneverleaveitsbox.Humansaremadetoliveinabox,andtheycanonlysurviveinthebox.Humansc
annothavetheviewsoftheGods.Whenyoupassthatcertainline,youbecomemonsterslikethat.Hypnos(illusion)turnsintoThanatos(realdeath)."
Asshesaysso,Tohko-sanherselfisoverlookingtheworld.
Sheislookingdownwithherfeetontheground,whichIthoughtthatwasaveryimportantthing.Andthen,IrememberedthedreamIwaswatching.Thebutterflyfellattheend.Maybeshecouldhaveflownmoregracefullyisshehadnottriedtofollowme.Yes,ifsheflutteredasiftofloat,sheshouldhavebeenabletoflylonger.Butsincethebutterflyknewaboutflying,itcouldnotstandthelightnessofitsfloatingbody.
That'swhyitflew,quittingtofloat.Thinkingthatmuch,IquestionmyselfifIwasthatpoetic.Tohko-san,bythewindow,throwshercigaretteaway.
"TheflickerattheFujiyohbuildingmightbetheworldshewasseeing.IcanguessthatthedifferenceintheairShikifeltwastheboundarybetweentheoutsideworldandtheinsideofthebox.Thatisadiscontinuitythatonlyahumanmindcanperceive."
WithTohko-san'stalkfinished,Shikifinallyseemstorelax.
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Shikiletsoutabreathandlooksaround.
"Discontinuity,huh?Iwonderwhichsidewasthewarmsideandwhichsidewasthecoldsideforher."
Incontrasttotheserioustone,Shikiactslikeitdoesn'tmatter.
Tohko-sanalsoactslikeshedoesn'tcare.
"Ofcourse,theoppositeofyou."
Andansweredso.Part4
...Theboneinmynapecreaks.
Isthecoldnessthat'smakingmetremblecomingfromoutsideorinsidemybody?Leavingwhatcan'tbedistinguishedaside,Shikikeepswalking.There'snosignofpeopleattheFujiyohbuilding.It'stwointhemorning.Onlythewhitelightilluminatesthehallwayofthemansion.Thecream-coloredwallsarelightenedupbythelightandIcouldseetotheendofthehallway.Theartificiallightwhichtakesawaythedarknesslookstooartificialthatitratherlooksscary.
Passingbythecardcheckerattheentrance,Ientertheelevator.
It'semptyinside.Thebackoftheelevatorhasamirrorattached,anditismadesothattheridercouldseethemselves.Insidethemirrorisapersonwearingablackleatherjacketoverlightbluekimono,withlazylookingeyes.Thoseeyeslookliketheycareaboutnothing.
Shikilooksatthefigureinthemirror,andpushesthebuttonthatsays"R".Withasmallstart-upsound,theworldaroundShikirises.Themachine-poweredboxwillreachthetopfloorinamatterofseconds.
Itisacloseduproomforthetimebeing.Nothingoccuringoutsiderightnowco
ncernsShiki,anditisimpossibletobeconcernedwiththeoutsideworld.Thatfeelingseepsintothesupposedlyemptymind.ThissmallboxistheonlyworldI'msupposedtofeelrightnow.
Thedooropenswithoutasound.What'soutsideisatotallydifferentworld,aworldofdarkness.
Aftergettingouttotheroomwhichonlycontainsthedoorleadingtotherooftop,theelevatorleavesShikiandgoesbackdowntothefirstfloor.Therearenolights,andthesurroundingispainfullydark.
Goingacrossthesmallroom,Shikiopensthedoorleadingtotherooftop.
...Theblackdarknessturnsintoafaintdarkness.
Thevisionfillsupwiththeviewofthecity.
TherooftopoftheFukiyohbuildingisaplainone.Thefloorismadeofflatconcrete,andthereisafencethatsurroundsthewholerooftop.ThereisonlyawatertowerontoptheroomShikiwasin,andthereisnothingelseinparticular.Therooftopitselfisaplainone.Buttheviewfromitiswhatisoutofthisworld.
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Theviewofthenighttownfromthisbuildingthatisatleasttenstorieshigherthanthesurroundingsfeelsmorelonelythanbeautiful.Itfeelslikeyou'reontopatallladderlookingdownontotheworld.Thedark,bottomofthesea-likeviewiscertainlybeautiful.Thelightshereandtherearelikethelightsofthedeep-seafishes.
Ifmyviewrightnowisthewholeworld,thentheworldrightnowisindeedsleeping.Probablyforever,butunfortunatelytemporary.Thequietnesstightensmyheartmorethananycoldness,anditisratherpainful...
Thecoldnessinthenightskyisstandingoutasmuchasthecoldnessbelow.Ifthetownisthedeepsea,thentheskyisjustpuredarkness.Inthedarkness,starsglitterlikejewels.Themoonisahole.Itonlylookslikealargeholeinabigblackcanvascalledthenightsky.Sothatthingisreallynotamirrorofthesun,butratheraviewoftheotherside...That'swhatIheardatthehouseoftheRyohgi.Accordingtothem,themoonisagatetoanotherworld.
Themoonfromancienttimeshascarriedmagic,women,anddeath.Andwiththatmoonbehindit,ahumanformisfloating......Witheightgirlsflyingaroundit.Part5
***
Thewhitefigureinthenightskyisthatofawoman.Shewearsafancywhitecloththatonemightmistakenforadress,andhaslong,blackhairreachingdowntoherwaists.Herarmsandlegsareslender,anditmakesthiswomanlookevenmorebeautiful.
Thethinbrowandthecoldeyesarebeautiful.Icanestimateshe'sinhertwenties.Althoughitsdoubtfulthatyoucanfitanageforalivingthingontosomethinglikeaghost.
Butthewhitewomanisnotabstractlikeaghost.Sheisreallythere.Ifyouwantghosts,thegirlsfloatingaroundthewomanaremorelikeit.Thegirlsfloatingaroundaimlesslyseemsmorelikeswimmingthanflying.Eventheirfiguresareabstract,astheyturntransparentfromtimetotime.
What'saboveShikirightnowarethewhitewomanandthegirlsfloatingaroundthewomanasiftoprotecther.
Thewholesightisnothorrifying.No,thisismorelike...
"Hmph,thisisindeeddemonic."
Shikisneers.
Thiswoman'sbeautyisalreadynotthatofahuman's.Herblackhairisespeciallybeautiful,aseachseemslikesilk.Ifthewindwasstrong,herfigurewiththehairflowingwouldhavebeenaprofoundbeauty.
"ThenIhavetokillyou"
MaybesheheardShiki'smurmur,asthewomanlooksdown.Thewomanisfourmetersabovethisrooftopalreadyoverfortymetershigh.ThewomanandShiki'sgazesmeet.
Thereisnowordstospeak,noristherealanguagetocommunicatewith.
Shikiputsahandinthejacketandtakesoutaknife.Aweaponmorelikeaswor
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dthanaknife,withabladeabouteighteencentimeterslong.(7inches)
Shiki'smindfillsupwiththeintenttokillwiththegazefromabove.
Thewhitefiguresways.HerarmflowsandaslenderfingerpointsatShiki.Thatslender,fragilearmdoesnotremindShikiofwhite.
"...Morelikebones,oralily"
Inthewindlessnight,thevoicestayedintheairforalongtime.
***
Thewillputintothefingertipistheintenttokill.
ThewhitefingertippointsatShiki.
Shiki'sheadsways.Thethinbodystepsoncetoregainitsbalance.Butonlyonce.
"........"
Thewomanoverheadhesitatedabitfromthat.
Thesuggestionthat"youcanfly"isnotworkingonthisperson.
Herpowercangivesomeonetheimpressionthat"theywereflying",andit'smorelikebrainwashingthansuggestion.There'snowaytofightit,andasaresult,oneactuallytriestofly,orrunsawayfromthefearofbeingabletofly.ButShikiwasabletostandiswithjustasmalldaze.
"........."
Thewomanwondersifthecontactwastooweak,anddecidestousesuggestionagain.
Butthistime,stronger.Notaweakimpressionlike"youcanfly",butsheorder
s"youhavetofly".
Butbeforethat,Shikilooksatthewoman.
Oneoneachofherlegs,oneonherback,andonepointonherleftchest.Thecuttingsectioncalleddeathcanbecertainlyseen.Theoneonherchestwouldbeagoodonetoaimfor.Thatwouldbeaninstantkill.Evenifthatwomanisjustanimage,IcouldevenkillGodifitisalive.
Shikiraisestheknifewithonehand.Holdingtheknifebackwards,Shikilooksattheenemyinthesky.
Then,theimpulseattacksShikiagain.
...Icanfly.Icanfly.Ilikedtheskyfrombefore.Iwasflyingyesterdaytoo.Icouldprobablyflyhighertoday.Freely.Feelingpeaceful.Laughing.Ihavetogoquickly...
Where?Tothesky?Free?...That's...
Escapefromreality.Yearnforthesky.Reactiontogravity.Nofeetonground.Flightunderunconsiousness.
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Let'sgo,let'sgo,let'sgo,let'sgo,let'sgo,let'sgo...GO!
"You'vegottobekiddingme."
Sayingthat,Shikiraisestheemptylefthand.
Thesuggestiondoesnotworkanymore.Shikidoesnotevengetadaze.
"Idon'thavethatkindofadmirationforthesky.Idon'tfeelalive,soIdon'tknowthepainofliving.Tobehonest,Idon'tcareaboutyouatall."
...Amurmurmorelikesinging.
Shikidoesnotfeelanyrestraint,joyorsollowoflife.
That'swhyShikiisnotattractedtotheliberationfrompain.
"ButIdon'tlikeforyoutokeephim.Igothimfirst,soI'mtakinghimback."
Shiki'slefthandgrabstheemptyairandpullsback.
Asifbeingpulledbythelefthand,thewomanandthegirlsarepulledtowardShiki.Likefishesbeingpulledinwithanet.
".........!!"
Thewoman'sexpressionchanges.SheputsmorepowerintoherwillandpoundsitonShiki.
IfshecouldcommunicatewithShiki,shewouldhavescreamed,
"Fall"
Ignoringthecurse,Shikirespondsinascarytone.
"Youfall."
Theknifepiercesthechestofthewomancomingdown.Aseasilyasstabbingafruit,andsosharplythateventheonestabbedadmiresit.
Thereisnoblood.
Thewomancouldnotmovefromtheshockoftheknifepiercingher,andconvulsesjustonce.
Shikithrowsthecorpsecasually,totheothersideofthefenceintothenighttown.
Thewoman'sbodygoespasttheedgeandfallswithoutasound.Herhairdoesnotflutterevenduringthefall,anddisappearsintothenightwithherwhiterobe
expandedinthewind.
Itwaslikeawhiteflowersinkingdeeointotheocean.
Andthen,Shikileavestherooftop.
Above,thefloatinggirlsstillremains...
/4
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Iwakeupgettingaknifestabbedinmychest.Itwasatremendousimpact.Thatpersonhadtobereallystrongtopiercesomeone'schestthateasily.Butthatwasnotaviolentpower.Itdidnothaveanythingunneccesary,anditwentinbetweenthebonesandthemuscleslikeitwasnothing.Whatasenseofunity!
Thefeelingofdeaththatrunsthroughmybody.Thesoundofmyheartbeingpiercedandrippedthrough.Morethanthepainitself,butthefeelingofithurtmemore.Becausethatfeelingwasfearandpleasureuncomparabletoanythingelse.
Thechillrunningthroughmyspineismind-boggling,andmywholebodyistrembling.Thereexistsuneasiness,loneliness,andwilltolive,andIcriedwithoutasound.
Notbecauseoffearorpain.
ItisbecausethefeelingofdeathI'veneverfeltbeforewasthere...evenforme,whoeverynightwishestobealivethenextday.
Iwillneverbeabletoescapethisfeeling
SinceIhavefalleninlovewiththisfeeling...
***
Ihearthedooropen.Theclockpointstwoanditfeelslikethesuninshiningthroughtheclosedwindow.It'snotyettimefortheexamination,somaybeit'savisitor.
Ihavemyownhospitalroomandthereisnooneelseinhere.What'stherearethebrightsunlight,curtainsthatneverflutterfromwind,andthisbed.
"Excuseme,AreyouFujohKirie?"
Itseemsthevisitorisawoman.Greetingmewithahuskyvoice,shecomesnearmewithoutsittingdownoranything.Itseemsshe'slookingdownatme.Herstarefeelscold.
...Thispersonisascaryperson.Sheprobablywouldbringmedestruction.
ButIwasactuallyhappyinside.Becauseit'sbeenmanyyearssinceI'vehadavisitor.Icannotsendanyoneback,eveniftheonecamevisitingwasdeathhimselftofinishmeoff.
"Youaremyenemy,right?"
Thewomannodsyes.
Itrytofocusandsomehowseethisvisitor.
...Itmaybebecauseofthestrongsunlight,butIcanonlyseehersilhuette.
Sheisnotwearingajacket,butherwrinklelesssuitmakesherlooklikeateacherandmakesmerelax.Butherorangetieisratherflashyforherwhiteshirt,andIhavetotakesomepointsoffforthat.
"Doyouknowthatperson,orareyouthatperson?"
"No,I'manaquaintanceofboththeonewhoattackedyouandtheoneyouattacked.We,youincluded,madecontactwiththeweirdestpeople.Wehavetobeprettyunlucky."
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Sayingthat,thewomantakesoutsomethingfromherpocketandputsitrightback.
"Iforgotyoucan'tsmokeinhere.Andtoadd,itseemsyourlungsarebad.Thesmokewoulddoyounothingbutharm."
Shesoundsregretful.Iguessitwasacigaretteboxshetookout.Ihavenevereventouchedonebefore,butIwantedtoseethispersonsmoke.Probably...no,surelyitwouldsuitherwelllikealizardpantonashowcasemannequin.
"It'snotjustyourlungsthatarebad?Thatmustbethereason,buttherearelotsoftumorsalloveryourbody.Startingwithsarcoma,it'sworseinside.Itseemsthathairofyoursistheonlythingnormal.Butit'samazinghowmuchstrengthyouhaveleft.Ifit'sanormalperson,theywoulddiebeforeitgetsthisbad....Howmanyyearshasitbeen,FujohKirie?"
Sheisprobablyaskingaboutmyhospitalization,butIcannotanswerher.
"Idon'tknow.Istoppedkeepingtrack."
Becauseit'smeaningless.BecauseIwon'tbegettingoutofhereuntilIdie.
Thewomannodandsays"Isee."
Idon'tlikehertone,asitcontainsnosympathyordislike.TheonlythingIgetfromsomeoneissympathy,butthispersonisnotwillingtogivemeeventhat.
"IstheplaceShikicutallright?IheardShikicutyouaroundtheheartarea,nearthemainartery...Iwouldassumeitwasinyourbicuspidvalve."
Shesaysanamazingthingwithannormaltone.Iletoutasmilefromherweirdness.
"Whatastrangeperson.Iwouldn'tbeabletotalktoyoulikethisifmyheartwascut."
"Ofcourse.Thatwasjustforconfirmation."
Isee.SheconfirmedwiththatquestionifIwasthatwomanstabbedbythatpersonIcouldn'ttellasJapanese-styledorWestern-styled.
"Buttheeffectwillcomeintime.Shiki'seyesarestrong.Evenifthatthingwasyourdoubleexistance,thedestructionwillreachyouintime.Iwantedtoaskyouafewthingsbeforethat...whichiswhyIcamehere."
Doubleexistance...shemustmeanthatotherme.
"Ihaven'tseenyouactuallyfloating.Canyoutellmewhatthatwas?"
"Idon'tknoweither.TheonlyviewIcanseeisthisviewoutofthiswindow.Butmaybethatwasbad.I'vebeenlookingdownattheworldfromhere.Thetreesshowingthecolorsofthefourseasons,peoplecomingtothehospitalinturns.TheycannothearmeevenifItalk,andIcannotreachthemnomatterhowfarIstretchoutmyhands.Ihavebeensufferingallthistimeinsidethisroom.Ihavebeendetestingthisviewforalongtime.Isn'tthatwhatyouwouldcallcursing?"
"Isee,itmustbeyourFujohblood.Yourbloodlineisthatofanoldpurefamil
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y.Itseemstheywerespecializedinprayers,butIseethattheirtruepowerswereincursings.ThenameFujohmightcomefromthewordFujoh(impure)."
Bloodline.
Myfamily.Butthathascametoanendfewyearsago.SoonafterIwashopitalized,myparentsandmybrotherdiedinanaccident.Sincethen,afriendofmyfatherhaspaidformymedicalexpenses.
"Acurseisnotsomethingyoudounconsciously.Whatdidyouwishfor?"
...Idon'tknowmyself.Evenshewouldn'tknoweither.
"...Haveyoueverlookedattheoutsideworldforalongtime?Formanyyears,untilyoubecomeunconscious?Ihated,detested,andfearedtheoutsideworld.Iwasoverlookingitallthetime.Afterawhile,myeyesbecameweird.Iwasintheskyabovethatgarden,andwasoverlookingtheworldbelow.Itwasafeelinglikemyeyeswereflyingaroundwhilemybodyandmindwerestillhere.ButsinceIcannotmovefromhere,allIcandoistooverlooktheareaaroundhere.
"Youmusthaveimputtedthescenaryaroundhereintoyourbrain.Ifthat'sthecase,youshouldbeabletothinkthatyoucanseeitfromalldirections....Youstartedtoloseyourvisionaroundthattimetoo?"
I'msurprized.SheknowsI'monthevergeoflosingmyvision.
Inod.
"That'sright.Theworldturnedwhiteandintheend,nothingwasthere.Atfirst,Ithoughteverythingturnedintodarknessbutthatwaswrong.Everythingdisappeared,oratleasteverythingyoucansee.ButIhadnoproblemwiththat.Becausemyeyesarealreadyflyingaround.Icanonlyseethescenaryaroundthishospital,butIcannotgetoutofhereanyways.Nothingchanged,nothing..."
Then,Icough.It'sbeenalongtimesinceI'vetalkedthismuch,somythroatisburning.
"Isee.Soyourmindwasupinthesky.Butthen...whyareyoualive?IfthatghostattheFujiyohbuildingwasyourmind,youshouldhavebeenkilledbyShiki."
Yes,Iamwonderingthesamething.
Thatperson...IguessthenameisShiki,buthowwasthatpersonabletocutme?
Thatfloatingmecannottouchanythingbutinreturn,Icannotbetouchedbyany
thing.ButthatpersonkilledmeasifIhadarealbody.
"Answerme.TheyouattheFujiyohbuilding,wasthatreallyFujohKirie?"
"ThemeattheFujiyohbuildingisn'tme.Myselflookingattheskyandmyselfinthesky.Thatmegaveuponmeandflewaway.Ihavebeenleftbehindevenbymemyself."
Thewomangasps.Forthefirsttime,sheshowedheremotion.
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"Itmustnotbethatyourpersonailtysplitup.Therewassomeonethatgaveyouwithonecontainerasecondcontainer.Isee,youcontrolledtwobodieswithonemind.Thisisindeednothinglikebefore."
Nowthatshesaysso,thatmighthavebeenthecase.
Igaveuponmyselfandwaslookingdownontheworld.Butneitheroneofuscouldputourfeetontheground,andjustendedupfloatingaround.SinceIamrejectedbytheworldoutsidethewindow,thereisnowayformetogoouttherenomatterhowmuchIwishforit.
Itmustmeanthatwewereconnectedintheend.
"Thatmakessense.Butwhyweren'tyouhappywithjustimaginingtheoutsideworld?Idon'tthinktherewasaneedtoletthosegirlsfall."
Thosegirls...?Oh,Isee,thosegirlsIamjealousof.Theywereunfortunate.ButIdidnotdoanything,becausethegirlsfellontheirown.
"TheyouattheFujiyohbuildingwasmorelikeawill.Youusedthat,huh?Thosegirlswereabletoflyfromthebeginning,right?Evenifitwasjustanimageintheirhead,oriftheyreallyhadthepowertofly.Peopleflyingintheirsleepisn'trare,butitnevergetstobeaproblem.Why?Becausetheyonlydosointheirsleepandtheynevereventhinkaboutflyingwhentheyareawake.Since
theyareunconscious,theyhavenoevilwillwhentheyareflying.Thosegirlswerespecialeveninthatcase.We'renottalkingPeterPan,butit'seasiertoflywhenyou'resmall.Maybeoneortwomighthaveactuallyfloated,butmostofthemshouldhavefloatedonlyintheirdreams.Butyoumadethemthinkaboutit.Yougavethemtheimpressiontheyhadwhiletheyweredreamingwhentheywereawake.Asaresult,theyfoundouttheycouldfly.Yes,theycanfly...butonlyunconsciously.Flightwithonlyhumanpowerisdifficult.EvenIcannotflywithoutabroom.Thechanceofflightunderconsiousnessisaboutthirtypercent.Thegirlstriedtoflyasusual,andfellastheyweresupposedto."
Yes,theywereflyingaroundme.Ithoughttheycouldbemyfriends.Butalltheydidwasfloataroundmelikefisheswithoutnoticingme.
ItwasfastafterIfoundouttheyhadnoconsciousness.Ijustthoughttheywouldnoticemeiftheyhadconsciousness.Thatwastheonlyreason,sowhy...
"Areyoucold?You'retrembling."
Thewoman'svoiceiscoldlikeplastic.
Iembracemyselfasthechilldoesnotgoaway.
"Letmeaskyouonemorething.Whydidyouadmirethesky?Youdetestedtheoutsideworld."
That'sprobablybecause...
"Thereisnoendtothesky.IthoughttherewouldbeaworldIwouldn'tdetestifIcouldgoasfarasIwant,ifIcouldflyasfarasIwanted."
ThevoiceasksmeifIfoundthatworld.
Mychilldoesnotstop.Itrembleasifsomeone'sshakingme,andmyeyesaregettinghotter.
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Inod.
"...Everynight,IfearedifIwouldbeabletowakeupthenextday,IwasscaredifIwouldliveuntiltomorrow.IknewIwouldn'thavethestrengthtowakeupifIfellasleep.Thedayslikeatightropewasonlyfilledwithfearofdeath.Butbecauseofthat,IcouldfeelthatIamalive.Icouldonlysmelldeatheveryday,buttolive,onlythatsmellwasreliable.SinceIamnothingbutadiscardedshell,IcanfeelaliveonlywhenIamfacingdeath."
That'sright.ThatiswhyIlikedeathmorethanlife.
Toflyanywhere,togotoanywhereIwant...
"Youtookmyboyasacompaniontodeath?"
"No.Atthattime,Ididn'tknow.IwasattachedtolifeandIwantedflywhilebeingalive.Ishouldhavebeenabletodosowithhim."
"YouandShikiaresimilar.YouguyshaveabitofsalvationinthatyouguysbothchoseKokutoh.It'snotabadthingtosearchforthefeelingofbeingaliveinsomeoneelse."
Kokutoh.Isee,sothatShikipersoncametotakehimback.
Iguessmysaviorwasalsomydeath.Ihavenoregretinthatthough.
"Thatpersonisreallychildish.Heisalwayssostraight.That'swhyheshouldbeabletoflytoanywherehewantsifhetried....Iwantedforhimtotakeme."
Myeyesarehot.Idon'tgetit,butI'mprobablycrying.
NotbecauseI'msad...IfIcouldreallygosomewherewithhim,howmuchhappinesswouldthathavebeen.Becauseit'ssomethingthatwouldn'tcometure,becauseit'sadreamthatshouldn'tcometrue,that'swhyit'ssobeautifulandmakesm
ecry.ThatistheonlydreamIhadinthepastfewyears.
"ButKokutohhasnointerestinthesky.Themoreonewantsthesky,thefarthertheyarefromit,huh?Howironic."
"You'reright.Ihaveheardthathumanshavemanythingstheydon'tneed.Iwasonlyabletofloat.Icouldnotfly,andallImanagedwastostayfloating."
Theburninginmyeyesdisappeared.Probably,thiswillneveragainhappeninthefuture.
What'scontrollingmerightnowisonlythischillinsideofme.
"Sorrytobeabother.Thisisthelastquestion,butwhatwillyoudonow?IcanhealyouaboutthatwoundShikigaveyou."
Withoutanswering,Ishakemyhead.Itseemsthewomanfrownedabit.
"Isee...Therearetwowaystoescape.Escapewithoutpurpose,andescapewithapurpose.Youcalltheformerfloatingandthelatterflight,Youaretheonetodecidewhichoneyouroverlookingviewwas.Butifyouchooseoneoutofguilt,that'swrong.Youshouldn'tchoosethepathaheadofyoubase
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donthesinsyoucarry,butyoushouldrathercarrythesinsonthepathyouchoose."
Thenthewomanleaves.Thewomanhasnottoldmehername,butIknowtherewasnoneedto.
...ShemusthaveknownwhatIwouldchoosefromthebeginning.BecauseIcouldnotfly,andallIcoulddowastofloat.
SinceI'mweak,Icannotdoasshesaid.That'swhyIcannotovercomethistemptation.TheflashoflightIfeltwhenIwasstabbedinmyheart.Theoverwhelmingtorrentofdeathandthebeatoflife.IalwaysthoughtIhadnothing,butthereisstillthatsimplethingleftinme.
Whatisthereisdeath.
Thisfearthatsendsachilldownmyspine.IhavetofeelthemostdeathIcanandfeelthehappinessoflife.ForeverythinginmylifeIhaveignoreduntilnow.ButitprobablywouldbeimpossibletodielikeIdidthatnight.Iprobablycannothopeforsuchastrikingend.Thatdeathpiercedmelikealightening,likeaneedle,likeasword.That'swhyIwilltrytocomeclosetothataspossible.Idon'thaveanyidearightnowbutIstillhaveafewdaystothinkaboutit.AndI'vealreadydecidedonthemethod.Idon'tthinkIevenneedtosaythis,butIthinkmyendshouldbeafallingdeathfromanoverlookingplace.
Part6
/OverlookingView
ThesunhassetandweleaveTohko-san'sabandonedbuilding.Shiki'sapartmentisintheareabutmyplaceistwentyminutesawayfromherebytrain.ShikimustbesleepyasShikiiswalkingabitwobbly.ButShikistaysbymysidewhilewewalk.
"Doyouthinksuicideisright,Mikiya?'
Shikisuddenlyasksmethat.Thatdowncast-likegesturelooksabittouching.
"Hmm,Idon'tknow.Let'ssayIgetthisvirusthatwillkilleveybodyinTokyojustbymestayingalive.Ifit'sthecasethateveryonewouldbesavedifIdie,I'llprobablykillmyself."
"Whatisthat?That'ssounlikelythatit'snotevenawhat-ifstory."
"Letmefinish.ButIthinkI'lldothatbecauseI'mweak.I'mgoingtokillmyselfbecauseIdon'thavethecouragetokeeponlivingturningallofTokyointomyenemy.That'seasier,right?Courageforaninstantandcouragethatneedstocontinuethroughoutyourlife.Youknowwhichoneisharder.It'sanextremearguement,butIthinkdeathisrunningaway,nomatterwhatkindofdeterminationisbehindit.Buttherearetimeswhentheconcernedpersonw
antstorunaway.Ican'tdenyitorrefuteit,becauseI'maweakpersonaswell."
Hmm,butthisseemslikeI'msayingit'sallrightforsomeonetodosobecauseI'ddosotoo.Self-sacrificeinthatcaseisprobablytherightthingtodo,andthatactionwouldbecalledheroic.Butthat'swrong.It'sfoolishtochoosedeathnomatterhownobleorrightitis.Nomatterhowwrongorlowlyitis,wehavetokeeponlivingtomakerightofourwrongs.Wehavetoliveonandaccepttheendofthethingswe'vecaused.Thatissomethingthattakesalotofcourage.Idon'tthinkIcoulddothatmyselfanditsou
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ndstoococky,soIdecidenottosayit.
"...Well,anyways...Ithinkit'sjustdifferentforeveryone."
IendrathervaguelyandShikilooksatmedoubtfully.
"Butyou'redifferent"
Shikisayssoasifseeinginsidemymind.Itsoundedcold,butthewordswerewarmsomehow.Itwasabitembarrassing,soIwalkedonforawhilesilently.Theclamorofthemainstreetisgettingcloser.Sounds,brightlights,enginesounds.Floodingwavesofpeopleandmanysoundstheymake.Ifwepassthedepartmentstores,thestationisrightahead.
Then,Shikistops.
"Mikiya,youcomeovermyplacetonight."
"Huh?Why,allofasudden?"
Shikipullsmesayingthatitdoesn'tmatter.
ItisindeedeasiertostayatShiki'splacesinceit'snearby,butIdon'tfeellikedoingsooutofmorality.
"It'sfine.Youdon'thaveanythinginyouroomeither.It'sboringevenifIdogo.Orareyoutellingmethere'ssomethingIhavetodothere?"
Iknowthere'snosuchthing.Isaidsoknowingthat,sothereshouldn'tbeanythingforShikitosayback...oratleastIthinkso.ButShikilooksatmeasifI'mthecauseoftheproblem.
"Strawberry."
"Huh?"
"TwostrawberryHaagenDasz.It'sstillthereafteryoubroughtit.Finishofft
hatthing,man."
"...IguessIdidbuythat."
YesIdid.ItwassomethingIboughtbecauseitwassohotwhilewalkingtoShiki'splace.ButwhydidIbuythatthing?WithitbeingalmostSeptemberandall...
Well,Idon'tcareaboutsmallthings.IguessmyonlychoiceistoobeyShiki.Butjustobeyingisabitirritating,soIdecidetostrikebackalittle.
ShikihasavulnerablepointwherewhenIsaythis,Shikigetsmadbutcannotsayanythingback.
Eventhoughitisawishfromthebottomofmyheart,Shikihasyettotakemyadvice.
"Allright,I'llspendthenight.ButShiki..."
IsaywithastraightfacetoShiki,wholooksatme.
"Youshouldn'ttalklikethat.You'reagirl,youknow."
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Beingsaidthat,Shikilooksawayangrily.
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/Overlookingview
Thatday,Ichosetotakethemainstreettogohome.Itwasjustonawhim,averyrarethingformetodo.
WhenIwaswalkingthroughthebuildingsIseeeveryday,someonecamecrashingdown.Awetcrushingsoundthatyouwillnormallyneverhear.Itwasobviousthatthepersondiedafterfallingoffoneofthebuildings.Acrimsoncolorspreadsacrosstheground.Theonlythingthat'sleftnoticeablewasthedark,blackhair,andthethin,white,weak-lookingarmsandlegs...Andthesmashedupface.Thewholescenewassurroundedbytheoldsummer,anditremindedmeofapressedflowerthathasflattenedoutfrombeinginbetweenabook.
Iknewwhoitwas.Hypnos(Sleep)returnedafterallbyturningintoThanatos(reality).Walkingonignoringthepeoplegathering,Azakacatchesuptome.
"Tohko-san.Thatwassuicidebyjumpingoffthatbuilding."
"Yeah,Iguessso,"Ianswervaguely.
Tobehonest,Ihadnointerest.Nomatterwhatthewillofthesuicideris,asuicidewillbetreatedasasuicide.Herlastwillcanbesummedupwithoneword,notflightorfloating,butbytheword"fall".What'sthereisonlymisery,andthere'snowayyoucanbeinterestedinthat.
"Iheardtherewasalotofthatlastyear,butisitoccuringalotagain?Idon'tgetwhatthesepeoplethinkabout.Doyouknow,Tohko-san?'
"Yeah,"Ianswervaguelyagain
Ianswerwhilelookingupatthesky,asiflookingatanimagenotthere.
"There'snoreasonforsuicide.It'sjustthatshewasn'tabletoflytoday."