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The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Timeby

Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller

10-30-09

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TITLE UP: THE FOLLOWING IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY

FADE IN:

A series of shots of a pristine, classic American small town.Something straight out of Pleasantville.

--People walk down the street and say smiling goodmornings asthey pass each other.

--A milkman drops off milk to a white picket fenced house

--Children ride their bikes to school

-- People exit a bakery with fresh rolls.

TITLE UP: SMALLTOWN, USA

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

We pan through a bedroom whos walls are covered withposters. Muppet posters. Muppet newspaper clippings. A framedphoto of a Time magazine cover which features Kermit standingin front of the rest of the Muppets with a headline thatreads Whos the funniest Muppet.

There is also a row of framed photos, the first is of a youngboy with a nondescript brown Puppet. We follow the row ofphotos as the boy grows progressively older, his puppetalways by his side, ageless. We reach the last photo of therow and the boy is now thirty, arm around his puppet.

We continue to pan and find the man, Gary, laying in bedpeacefully asleep, a contented smile on his face. THE ALARMGOES OFF. Gary lazily wakes up.

GARYWalter! Wake up! Todays the day wego to Los Angeles!!!

We widen to reveal Garys brown puppet asleep in a smallerbed next to Gary ala Ernie and Bert.

WALTER(waking excitedly)Los Angeles!!! I cant believe it!!Were gonna get to go to MuppetStudios right!? You promised!? Youwerent pranking me right!!? If youwere pranking me thats a reallymean prank!!!

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GARY(laughing)

No buddy! I would never prank youlike that! Youre my best friend! Iknow you love the Muppets!

WALTERWooo hooo! Lets get ready! LosAngeles, here we come!!!!

Walter hops out of bed and begins dancing around the room. Heis actually a pretty good dancer, if not a bit spastic.

EXT. GARY AND WALTERS HOUSE - LATER

Gary and Walter exit their small but charming house wearingmatching Powder Blue suits and brown ties which are way tooshort with knots that are far too large. They each carry a

suitcase, Walters obviously is far smaller.

GARYAlright old buddy, lets go grabMary at School and were off to LosAngeles!

WALTERLos Angeles!

The two walk, a spring in their step, literally across thestreet to a charming and small schoolhouse which readsSMALLTOWN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

INT. SCHOOLHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Gary and Walter enter the back of a small classroom whereMARY (25) is teaching a class of 3rd Graders.

MARYSo, I hope you all have an amazingspring vacation! Try to study yourtimetables in between having awhole lotta fun!!! Love you kids!

See you in two weeks!!The kids all rise and head out. One by one, they each handMary an apple until she is left with thirty or so apples.Gary approaches and gives her a small kiss.

GARYHey, so you all ready for our bigvacation?!

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MARYYou bet! This is the bestanniversary present ever! We aregonna have such a great time. Ivealways dreamt of seeing LosAngeles!

WALTERAnd the Muppet Studios!

MARYYou bet Walter! Now let me grab asack for these apples and lets getgoing! To Los Angeles!!

WALTER/GARYTo Los Angeles!!!!

EXT. STREET - LATER

Walter, Gary and Mary wait excitedly at the Smalltown busstop. Mary has her suitcase and a big sack of apples. After amoment an absolutely pristine, perfectly polished shinysilver old time greyhound bus pulls up with a sign that saysLOS ANGELES They get on the bus. We watch as the bus pullsaway, travelling only a few yards before it passes a signwhich reads:

NOW LEAVING SMALLTOWN, USA. WELL MISS YOU!!!

As they leave Smalltown, USA the population sign drops from

102 to 99.

INT. BUS - NIGHT

We pan through the bus. Literally everyone is eating one ofMarys apples. We reach Gary, Mary and Walter towards theback of the bus.

WALTERI cant believe it! A tour of theMuppet Studios! Who knows, maybe

Kermit will be there!GARY

I wouldnt get your hopes upWalter. You know the Muppets brokeup. I dont think they use thestudios for anything but toursanymore.

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WALTERI think thats just an internetrumor, like Global Warming.

MARYActually Global Warming is a very

real---

WALTER(interrupting)

Muppet Studios! I just cantbelieve it!

GARYItll be great. Now if you dontmind, I think were gonna try toget some sleep buddy!

WALTER

Sure, no problem!

MOMENTS LATER:

Walter is sitting next to an old lady who is clearly tryingto sleep.

WALTER (CONTD)And then there was an episode whereGonzo and Fozzie---

OLD LADYIf you dont mind, Im trying to

sleep.

MOMENTS LATER:

Walter sits next to a ten year old kid.

WALTERAnd then one time, Miss Piggy wasdoing Pigs in Space and she---

KIDIf you dont mind, Im trying to

sleep.MOMENTS LATER:

Tight on Walter talking.

WALTERAnd Rolph, man, Rolph could playpiano like nobody else.

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MAN (O.S.)Listen kid, Im trying to sleep.

Widen to reveal Walter is talking to the bus driver.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. - DAY

The bus, which is now a regular, dirty, modern day Greyhoundpulls up in front of the Manns Chinese Theater. The doorsopen and our heroes get off and take in their surroundings,awestruck.

GARYI cant believe it. Los Angeles!!

MARYWere really here!

WALTER(really excited)

Oh my gosh!! Its Superman!!

A middle aged, unshaven man dressed as Superman approaches.

SUPERMANWant a Picture?

WALTER(thrilled)

Please!!

GARYThank you so much!!

MARY(pulling out her camera)

Ill take it!

She snaps a picture of the three of them.

SUPERMANTen bucks.

GARYOh...um...I didnt realize...

SUPERMANYou already took the picture. Tenbucks, now, or I break your camera.

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WALTER(sotto to Gary)

Gary, hes Superman, you better dowhat he says.

Gary hands over ten bucks. Superman walks away.

GARYJust... unbelievable. I cantbelieve we met Superman!!

MARYGuys, I dont think that was thereal---

WALTERSuperman! Unbelievable! So, when dowe go to the Muppet Studios?!

GARY(checking his itinerary)

Our tour isnt for an hour! Letscheck out Los Angeles!!

The group cheers! BEGIN CHECKING OUT LOS ANGELES MONTAGE.

MUSIC UP - I LOVE LA

--- Our heroes go surfing

--- Our heroes eat at Pinks Hot dogs

--- Our heroes take a double decker bus tour

--- Our heroes go skiing

--- Our heroes ride a roller coaster

--- Our heroes eat at Spago

--- Our heroes watch a movie on the IMAX screen

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - CONTINUOUS

Our heroes are walking down the boardwalk. Gary checks hiswatch.

GARYOh my gosh! We only have twentyminutes to get to the MuppetStudios! Lets go check into themotel, unpack our things, wash up,change, and get over there!!!!

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EXT. MUPPET STUDIOS LA BREA - DAY

Our heroes come running up to the Muppet Studios out ofbreath, showered and changed. Walter is wearing a Kermit t-shirt. He takes a moment to admire the huge sculpture ofKermit which adorns the studio. He begins to tremble a bit.

Mary puts her arm around him.

MARYDont be nervous Walter. Itll begreat!

WALTER(shaking, growingagitated)

But..but... What if I get to meetKermit...and we reunite the gang toput on a show!!! And for a while itseems like Ill be too nervous to

perform, but then at the lastminute I overcome my fears! Andthen he asks me be a Muppet...

GARYDont worry buddy, thats not gonnahappen. I promise. You have nothingto worry about.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS LA BREA - LATER

Walter, Gary, Mary and three or four other really tourist

looking visitors are taking a tour of the Muppet Studios,which has now been turned into a Paper Factory. It could notbe more boring or corporate in appearance.

TOUR GUIDESo, this used to be the buildingwhere all of the costumes weredesigned. Now its where AmericanPaper Company punches the holes intheir three hole punched paper.

The tour watches on bored. They walk to the next building.

TOUR GUIDE (CONTD)This is where Dr. Bunsen Honeydewand his assistant Beaker developedalmost all of their unique andwholly impractical inventions.

WALTERCan we go inside!?

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TOUR GUIDEIm afraid not. Now its where treesare turned into mulch and pressedinto colored construction paper.Its filled with toxic chemicals.

The tour guide continues walking. He passes a very smallbungalow.

TOUR GUIDE (CONTD)And this used to be Kermitsoffice, its perfectly preservedinside, just as Kermit left it. Youreally should see it.

(beat, then continueswalking)

Now this next building is wherethey put the lines on paper to makelined paper. Lets go inside and

take a look.

The tour follows, all except for Walter, who lags behindstaring at Kermits office. He takes a sneaky look to thegroup, who all look extremely bored, and decides to make hismove.

INT. KERMITS OLD OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Walter opens the door to Kermits office. There is dust andcobwebs everywhere, though everything seems to be untouched.There are framed photos on the walls of Kermit with all sorts

of celebrities, including one with Jim Henson.

He passes a shelf with many award statues: An Emmy, An Oscar,A Grammy, An NAACP Award, A Nobel Prize, An Olympic Medal. Heis in awe, when SUDDENLY THE DOOR BURST OPEN.

Walter ducks behind the desk for cover. In walk STATLER andWALDORF, who are giving a tour to a man in a suit and acowboy hat. This is TEX RICHMAN, and for now, he seems niceenough. He is with several of his associates, including anunnatractive Bear puppet called Bobo.

STATLERThis is Kermits old office.

WALDORFOr so weve been toad.

The two share a trademark chuckle.

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TEXIve loved the Muppets since I wasjust a boy. And what better waysirs, to honor the Muppets than tomake this beautiful studio a Muppetmuseum. A shrine if you will. I

think Ill call this room -- TheKermits Office Room.

STATLERWe dont care what you call it.

WALDORFAs long as the check clears.

Waldorf hands Tex a giant contract.

WALDORF (CONT'D)Heres the Standard Rich and Famous

Contract Kermit signed twenty fiveyears ago. This contract isabsolutely, positively iron clad.With one exception that shouldntbe an issue for any logical reason,but I should let you know if theMuppets put on a show and get tenmillion viewers before thiscontract expires, we can no longersell Muppet studios to you. Thecontract expires...

(he uses a monocle to readthe fine print.)

.. in two weeks at which point thisproperty is yours.

STATLERIf I didnt know better Id say youwere reciting some sort ofimportant plot point.

WALDORFI hope so. Otherwise I just boredthe audience half to death.

STATLERYou mean half the audience is stillalive?

Statler and Waldorf laugh and exit. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEDOOR CLOSES, TEXS TONE SHIFTS. HE SPEAKS MANICALLY TO HISCOHORTS.

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TEXTheres oil under this studio,see!!! I can smell it. I can smellit in my wallet. Sweet sweet oil.In two weeks, we tear this place tothe ground and start harvesting the

sweet sweet oil under this waste ofspace. Muppets.(he spits)

The Muppets aint funny!!! No oneis!! Least of all the Muppets!Theyve never made me laugh! Notonce. The only way they could savethe studio according to thiscontract is if they get backtogether and put on a show withinthe next two weeks that draws in 10million viewers, but that aintgonna happen. No sir. This studio

is gone, see. And me, well Imgonna be even richer than I alreadyam. Maniacal Laugh. Maniacal laugh.

Walter listens in shock as Texs cohorts begin laughingManiacally. Oddly Tex Richman just keeps repeating Maniacallaugh as they all exit. Walter rises, looks aroundnervously, then sprints out of the room.

EXT. HENSON STUDIOS LA BREA - MOMENTS LATER

Walter comes tearing out of the studio, past security,

emitting a high pitched and frantic scream. Gary and Marychase after him.

INT. BUS - MOMENTS LATER

The entire bus stares silently at Walter who continues to letout his high pitched scream as he rides. Gary and Mary sitbeside him, also just staring, confused.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Walter sits on the bed continuing to scream. Finally:

MARY(to Gary)

Gary, youve got to do something.

GARYIve tried everything I can thinkof.

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MARYTheres got to be something.

Gary considers.

GARY

(to Walter)Sorry buddy.

And Gary SLAPS WALTER, sending him flying.

WALTERWEVE GOT TO FIND KERMIT!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!! WEVE GOT TO SAVE THESTUDIO!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Walter runs over and SLAPS GARY sending him flying.

INT. CAR - DAY

Gary, Mary and Walter drive through Los Angeles.

WALTER...then when he thought he wasalone, he said Theres oil underthis studio, see! Im gonna tear itthe ground, see? Sweet sweet oil,see!

MARYPeople still talk like that?

WALTERI know, it seemed kind of on thenose. He said the only thing thatcould stop him would be if theMuppets got back together and puton a show.

GARYThats impossible. The Muppetsbroke up. No one can get them backtogether.

WALTERTheyre just taking a break! Kermitcan get them back together. Kermitcan do anything!

MARYYeah, but how do we find him? Noones seen Kermit in years. Notsince he retired.

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They drive past PINKS HOT DOGS where a man with a STAR MAPSSIGN is set up in front.

WALTERSTOP THE CAR!!!!!

Gary screeches to a halt.

WALTER (CONTD)Ive got an idea!!!

INT. CAR - LATER

Gary, Mary and Walter drive while eating HUGE CHILLI DOGS.

WALTERSo how are we gonna find Kermit?

GARY(mouth full)

The hot dog guy told me he lives inMalibu. Hes become some sort of arecluse. He never leaves his house,and nobody ever goes in.

WALTERSo lets go to Malibu. Well findhim, I know we will. To Malibu!

INT. CAR - DUSK

Our heroes drive slowly through Malibu, crestfallen.

GARYWeve been driving for hours. Ithink its time to call it a day.

MARY(seeing something)

Guys?

WALTER

We cant give up Gary. We justcant. Even if it means searchingfor days and weeks --

GARYIm sorry. Its too late.

MARYGuys!?

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WALTER/GARYWhat?

She points out the window. Next to them is a GIGANTIC GREENMANSION WITH KERMITS FACE ADORNING THE SECURITY GATES.

WALTERYou think they know where Kermitis!?!?!

Gary and Mary just look at Walter.

EXT. KERMITS MANSION - LATER

Our heroes stand at Kermits gates, unsure as how to proceed.

GARYSo what do we do now?

WALTERThrow me over.

MARYWhat if we...

WALTERGARY!! THROW ME OVER ALREADY!!!

Walter jumps into Garys arms. He balls Walter up and HURLSWALTER, but he doesnt quite make it over the fence. Insteadhe hits the top and gets ELECTROCUTED.

GARYOH MY GOSH!!!! WALTER!!!

The electricity keeps Walter on the gates for anexcruciatingly long time, until finally he falls, smoking, tothe ground. Gary rushes to his side.

GARY (CONTD)Walter!!! Walter! Are you okay?!?

Walter, delirious, looks up at him.

WALTER(weak)

Throw me again.

MARYGuys, I have an idea...

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WALTER(melodramatic)

THROW ME AGAIN!!!

Mary RINGS THE DOORBELL.

GARY/WALTERARE YOU CRAZY, WOMAN!?

They wait in anticipation, finally a voice comes through theintercom. IT IS KERMIT THE FROG!!!

KERMITHi ho.

A long beat. No one knows what to do.

BUZZZZZ. Like a scene from the Wizard of Oz, Gary, Walter andMary stand frozen as the huge gates open to Kermits mansion.

After a long beat, Kermit emerges from his front door andwalks towards them. He looks the same physically, but hewalks very slowly with a cane and wears a Hugh Hefneresquesmoking jacket. As he limps towards them, our group takes inwhat is by any stretch, a sad sight. Kermit is old.

WALTEROh my gosh. Hes... hes... old.

As Kermit walks towards them, Walter begins to cry. Kermitsees this and stops.

KERMIT

Are you crying? No, I was just...

He throws down his cane, does a perfect summersault, andbegins tap dancing. The gang watches confused.

KERMIT (CONTD)I was just kidding. Its the wholeWilly Wonka thing. Ive just alwayswanted to do that. Come on in!

INT. KERMITS MANSION - LATER

Kermit, Gary and an EMBARRASSINGLY STAR STRUCK WALTER sit inKermits lavish living room.

MARYI thought you were a recluse?

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KERMITNo, not at all. I love people.After I retired, that rumor gotstarted and then people juststopped coming by. It gets kind oflonely. Im actually glad you came

by. So, what brings you here?

GARYWell sir, my friend Walter heardsome disturbing news today.

KERMIT(to Walter)

Oh yeah, whats that?

All turn to Walter who just stares at Kermit, trembling.

KERMIT (CONTD)

Whats the matter, cat got yourtongue?

Walter NODS vigorously. Kermit BENDS DOWN and grabs his cat.

KERMIT (CONTD)Cmon, Miss Fluffy. This isneither the time nor the place.

The cat SPITS OUT a puppet tongue. Kermit hands the tongueto Walter who reattaches it to his mouth. They watch for apainfully long beat as Walter starts shaking again, harderand harder. Finally:

WALTER(terrified)

P...PP....PPPPPPP.....Peanut!!!

All look at Walter, confused.

GARYWhen hes nervous, peanuts theonly thing he can say.

WALTER

Peanut! Im sorry. Im nervous!!!Peanut!!!(growing more and moreagitated)

Peanut! Peanut!Peanutpeanutpeanutpeanut!

Walter stops to catch his breath.

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KERMITOil Barron Tex Richman is gonnatear down the studio to drill foroil!?? And the only thing thatllsave it is if we put on a show thatgets ten million viewers within two

weeks!?!?

WALTER(panting and nodding)

Peanut.

KERMITPut on a show? I couldnt do thaton my own.

GARYWell, what about the rest of theMuppets?

KERMITI havent been in touch with thoseguys in years.

WALTERYou should get them back together!

KERMITIts easier said than done.

Kermits face falls.

KERMIT (CONTD)SINGS I MISS THE MUPPETS SONG.

As Kermit sings he walks down a hallway of photos andmemories. When he reaches the end of the hallway, heawkwardly turns around and sings about the same memories hepassed once again, however, this time he sings about howimpossible itll be to get back together because they allhave gripes with each other now.

KERMIT (CONTD)(a song version of this)

We would need someone to rallyaround, someone young and innocentand not specifically any one sortof animal or figure in particular.Someone like...well...

(reaching Walter)...you.

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WALTER(shaking)

Me!?! But Im not a Muppet.

KERMITYou could be. You seem a little...

Muppety. Whats your talent?

Walter starts shaking.

WALTERI...I...I dont even have a talent!

KERMITOf course you do. Everyone does.You just have to find it.

WALTERBut...I dont know where to look.

KERMIT(smiling sweetly)

I dont know its just sort of...in you. Dont worry, youll findit. Its funny, but you sort ofremind me of me when I was young.

Walter immediately faints.

KERMIT (CONTD)Now where were we? Ah yes, Muppets.

Kermit hits a button and his wet bar SPINS AROUND revealing aGIANT GREEN BUTTON.

MARYWhat... is... that?

KERMITIts the Muppet Emergency Put on aShow Beacon... to be pressed onlyin case we need to put on a show.I outfitted every Muppet with oneof these.

Kermit shows our guys his green wristwatch.

KERMIT (CONTD)As soon as thats pressed, all theMuppets shall be alerted. Will youdo the honors?

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Walter walks over, lifts the glass shield and verytentatively hits the button. The button lights up BRIGHTGREEN. Suddenly SIRENS DROP DOWN all over Kermits house.

EXT. KERMITS HOUSE

Batman-style SPOTLIGHTS with a M SHOOT into the NIGHT SKY.

INT. KERMITS HOUSE

Kermit starts RUNNING BACK AND FORTH with his arms in theair, doing a fulls scale MUPPET-PANIC.

KERMITAhhhhh!

GARY

(panicked)Whats happening?

KERMITIts an emergency! We have topanic!

After a beat, Gary, Kermit, Mary and Walter all start runningback and forth with their arms up.

EXT. CAESARS PALACE

A sign that says FOZZIE BEAR ROAST.

INT. CAESARS PALACE - CONTINUOUS

A line of comedians including Bob Saget, Gilbert Gottfried,Jeff Garlin, Cloris Leachman, and Lisa Lampanelli roastFozzie. Fozzie pulls his hat off and wipes his face with it.His watch goes off, and he runs offstage in a panic as Lisacontinues, though all of her curse words are Meeped out withan oddly familiar MEEP...

LISA LAMPANELLIThis guy gets so few laughs he MEEPMEEP. Seriously, his laugh togroan ratio is MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP.Waka waka? More like MEEP MEEPMEEP MEEP MEEEEEEP!

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INT. LABORATORY - CONTINUOUS

We pull out of a television set into a sterile laboratory toreveal Bunsen and Beaker watching the Roast as their watchessound the beacon. Reveal it is BEAKERS MEEP MEEPS which havebeen covering the curse words. Bunsen and Beaker run out of

the room in a panic.

INT. KITCHEN TELEVISION SET - DAY

Ominous music plays as we pan past a row of nervous lookingamateur cooks.

TELEVISION VOIn the kingdom of cooking, therecan be only one... King of theKitchen!

We see a man in shadows throwing pasta and meatballseverywhere. The figure turns towards us into the light.Its the Swedish Chef!

MOMENTS LATER the Swedish Chef stands before a contestant.

HOSTThe Swedish Chef has tasted yourflamed grilled salmon. Now letssee what he has to say.

Chef gets in the contestants face and screams ala Gordon

Ramsey. The Contestant starts crying.

SWEDISH CHEF(very angry !)

Bork Bork Bork bork bork!

The Swedish Chefs watch starts blinking. He looks at it.

SWEDISH CHEF (CONTD)Holy blorky florky!

He panics, throwing his knives up in the air. Assistants and

camera man scatter as the knives fall and he takes off.

INT. COPY CATZ - DAY

Your basic mom and pop Kinkos thats run by cats. Inside wefind ROWLF dressed like a cat wearing a Copy Catz smock. ACUSTOMER comes up to him. Perhaps the customer is CatStevens...

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ROWLF(really uninterested)

Welcome to Copy Catz. Purrfectcopies every time.

Rowlf curls his paw like a cat. His CAT MANAGER comes out.

CAT MANAGERWhat was that, Rowlf? If you wantto be a Copy Cat youve gottacommit to being a cat! Show him,Precious.

REVEAL PRECIOUS, a cat whos clearly the Cat Managersfavorite.

PRECIOUSWelcome to Copy Catz. Purrrrrrfectcopies every time. How meeooow

help you?

Suddenly Rowlfs wristwatch starts blinking. He turns to theCat Manager and Precious and BARKS AT THEM. They back awayand hiss. Rowlf RUNS OUT of the store.

INT. CLUB - NIGHT

A tight shot of a dark stage where ELECTRIC MAYHEM IS ROCKINGOUT!!! However, ANIMAL IS MISSING. As they jam, they growmore and more excited and begin smashing their instrumentsala Pete Townsend. Their songs cut short when the lights are

flipped on. The bartender calls out.

BARTENDERGuys, Im closing up. Nobodyscoming.

The reverse angle reveals that Electric Mayhem is playing aCOMPLETELY EMPTY BAR. They start to pack up.

EXT. CLUB - MOMENTS LATER

The bar door opens and the gang exits into A COMPLETELYFROZEN TUNDRA!! White as far as the eye can see in everydirection. They make their way through the snow stormtowards their van when their watches start blinking. TheyPANIC and start running towards the forest. As they run theyslowly slow down and freeze until theyre covered in ice.

SGT. FLOYD PEPPERWhaddya say we panic towards thevan?

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They slowly panic towards the van.

EXT. CELEBRITY ANGER MANAGEMENT CENTER - DAY

A beautiful Santa Barbara campus for Anger Management. Birds

chirp, fountains babble, and people walk around VERYSERENELY.

ANGLE ON: A group of eight people sit in a circle on thegrass while a MODERATOR with a BLACK EYE runs a group talk.Among them are SEAN PENN and ANIMAL.

MODERATORSo, Sean, any latent desires topunch people in the face?

Sean Penn is chewing on a toothpick, a bit fidgety.

SEAN PENNI try to stay away from people andthat seems to do the trick.

Sean Penn pulls the toothpick from his mouth and gives theModerator a threatening stare. The Moderators scared.

MODERATORUm. Ok. And Animal, how about you?How have you been feeling?

Animal just stares at him with no emotion. His watch STARTSBLINKING. He looks at it and jumps up, panicking.

SEAN PENNNo one goes till session is over.

ALEC BALDWINHe can go if he wants to.

BAAAAAMMMM! PENN DECKS BALDWIN!!! All of a sudden a HUGEFIGHT BREAKS OUT!!! The entire campus ERUPTS in anger andviolence. Animal RUNS OFF.

EXT. SKYCRAPER ROOF - NIGHTThe spotlight M lights up the night sky. A figure, with acape, turns into frame. Its Gonzo! Except he now has apotbelly and a little bit of gray hair. PULL BACK to revealChristian Bale in full Batman costume standing next to him.

CHRISTIAN BALE(Batman voice)

What are you doing here?

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GONZO(imitating his deep voice)

What are you doing here?

CHRISTIAN BALEWhy are you talking like that?

GONZOWhy are you talking like that?

CHRISTIAN BALEAnd whos that?

REVEAL Camilla in a Robin-like outfit.

GONZOThis is my sidekick... Chicken.

Christian Bale JUMPS off the building and uses his batwings

to fly down. Gonzo JUMPS after him. He opens his cape butit does nothing and he PLUMMETS to the ground with aresounding thud.

INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - DAY

The rooms filled with green clothes of all kinds. We PANTO the back where the green wristwatch sits, blinking,unobserved.

EXT. KERMITS HOUSE

All the Muppets are gathered. Its total chaos as they allgreet each other after all these many years. In thebackground we see Gonzo and Camilla playing tennis. Kermitand Fozzie SEE EACH other.

FOZZIE BEARI cant believe you called! Ithought you were mad at me!

KERMITWhy would you think that?

FOZZIE BEARCause you stopped calling me!

KERMITI stopped calling you because youstopped calling me!

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INT. KERMITS MANSION/FOZZIES HOUSE - SPLIT SCREEN-FLASHBACK

Kermit in his kitchen next to a phone waiting. Fozzie sits ata desk next to a phone, waiting. They both wait for a longbeat. Then, simultaneously, both pick up the phone and dial.

Simultaneously, they both get busy signals.

QUICK CUT: Fozzies about to ring Kermits doorbell. As hehits the buzzer, Kermit flips on a blender to make asmoothie.

QUICK CUT: Kermits about to knock on Fozzies door.Fozzies hosting a relay race in his backyard. As Kermithits the doorbell, Fozzie blows an air horn at the exactmoment Kermit knocks.

INT. KERMITS MANSION

FOZZIE BEARI missed you so much!

KERMITMe too!!!

They hug. Kermit JUMPS on a table and taps a glass.

KERMIT (CONTD)Hey, everyone. Hello. HELLOTHERE!

Everyone quiets down.

KERMIT (CONTD)Alright, looks like we got everyoneso we can start planning ouremergency show.

FOZZIE BEARWell, not everyone.

KERMITNope. I think weve got everyone.

ROWLFWheres --

KERMITAll good!

GARY-- Miss --

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KERMITAll done here!

WALTER-- Piggy?

Beat. Kermit scrunches up his face.

WALTER (CONTD)Did I say something wrong?

INT. KERMITS JET - CONTINUOUS

The gang boards Kermits bright green jet. SAM THE EAGLE isthe captain.

WALTEROhmigoshohmigoshohmygosh its Sam

the Eagle.

SAM THE EAGLEYou are stating the obvious,talking brown towel.

INT. KERMITS JET - MOMENTS LATER

Our gangs all strapped in on the jet.

SAM THE EAGLEIm your Captain, Sam the Eagle.

Before we take off, please rise forGod Bless America.

They all unstrap and stand up.

SAM THE EAGLE/GANG(singing)

God Bless America, Land that Ilove./Stand beside her, and guideher./Thru the night with a lightfrom above.

As they sing, suddenly the plane taxis and takes off.Everyone, including Sam the Eagle in the cockpit, remainsstanding as they take off. Loose items in the plane, likebeverage carts and luggage, fall every which way.

INT. KERMITS JET - MOMENTS LATER

Everyone is sitting in their seats.

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SAM THE EAGLE (V.O.)Its going to be a twelve hourflight to Paris, the city knownprimarily for freedom fries.

FOZZIE BEAR

France is pretty far.

KERMITGood point.

(hitting a button)Sam, lets travel by map!

INT. COCKPIT - DAY

Sam opens a black box to reveal a travel by map button. Hehits it.

EXT. OLD TIMEY INDIANA JONES STYLE MAP OF THE WORLD

The plane goes from the US to France along a dot trail.

WALTER (V.O.)Wow, this is much faster.

GARY (V.O.)Really a lot more economical.

KERMIT (V.O.)Why dont we always travel by map?

BEAUTY SHOTS OF PARIS TO FRENCH MUSIC

INT. FRENCH VOGUE MAGAZINE - DAY

MISS PIGGY charges into the office. She walks past ANNEHATHAWAY and EMILY BLUNT and SLAMS HER COAT AND BAG on AnneHathaways desk.

ANNE HATHAWAYKarl Lagerfeld, Agnes B and Michael

Kors are waiting for you --As she walks into the office --

MISS PIGGYCoffee, bagel, donuts, cinnabon,pasta, pizza, omelette station,five minutes ago!

Miss Piggy SLAMS the door to her office shut.

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INT. MISS PIGGYS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

MISS PIGGY holds court before KARL LAGERFIELD, MICHAEL KORSand AGNES B. Theyre looking at a line of dresses that aregreen. Anne and Emily bring in the pile of food Miss Piggyrequested, including a chef and omelette station.

MISS PIGGYWhat have I told you?

KARL LAGERFIELD/MICHAEL KORS/AGNESYou do not like green./No greencouture./Pas de vert.

MISS PIGGYAnd yet you still bring me green!Sacre bleu! Throw them in thecloset I do not speak of!

INT. MISS PIGGYS GREEN CLOSET

Couture is thrown into a closet filled with green clothes.We PAN OVER to find the blinking green watch.

INT. MISS PIGGYS OFFICE

MISS PIGGYWell, what are you waiting for?The dresses to make themselves!?

The designers leave. Miss Piggy dramatically collapses ontoher chaise and looks wistfully out at the Eiffel Tower as sheeats a cinnabon. Anne pokes her head in.

ANNE HATHAWAYMademoiselle Piggy...I have broughtyou a list of suitors who would behonored to escort you to the Parisfashion show tonight. It is quite agroup. We have, Leonardo DiCaprio--

MISS PIGGY

Echh. Never. With his solar panelsand his Electric Cars. Far tooGreen!

ANNE HATHAWAYZac Efron--

MISS PIGGYNo, too young. FAR too Green forme!!

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ANNE HATHAWAYSeth Green?

MISS PIGGY(furious)

How many times have I told you!!!!

TOO SHORT!!!! Now get out!!!(singing)MISS PIGGY SINGS A SONG CALLED IHATE GREEN! I LOVE GREEN!

Suddenly the doors burst open and the gang steps through.The entire gang, with the exception of Kermit.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)What... who... how... wheres...

The gang separates and Kermit walks in.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)Kermy!

Miss Piggy goes to hug Kermit.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)No! I promised myself Id never goback! You must leave! At once!

KERMIT(very fast)

Alright, we tried.

Kermit and all the Muppets start to leave.

WALTERWait! Youre the best Miss Piggy!We need you! The Muppets arentanything without your beauty andtalent and elegance and ohmigod Imtalking to Miss PiggyPeanutpeanpeanut!

MISS PIGGY(considering)

I like you, pashmina with eyes.GARY

(sotto)Nice work.

WALTER(sotto)

I know my Muppets.

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EXT. THE PARIS STREETS - DAY

Piggy and Kermit walk along Parisian streets. This shouldfeel like Before Sunset. Sad Woody Allen-esque music plays.

MISS PIGGY

The past is the past. Whats meantto be was meant to be.

KERMITMemories are good, but they canalso be a prison.

MISS PIGGYA prison of our own making.

ANGLE ON MISS PIGGY. The movie has become black and white.Kermit looks at his black and white body confused.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)What did I do to scare you away?How I loved you.

KERMITI thought you werent going to getall black and white on me.

The movie goes back to color.

MISS PIGGYI cant help it when Im aroundyou! My dreams are filled with

your earless, green head!

Miss Piggy goes to kiss him. Then pulls away.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)When you're young, you believethere'll be many pigs and frogswith whom you connect. Later yourealize it only happens a fewtimes.

(then, passionate)Why didnt you come with me to

Paris? Just tell me! I can hear it!KERMIT

Because... the French... eat froglegs!

MISS PIGGYNot all of them.

A bunch of FRENCH PEOPLE walk out of a restaurant.

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FRENCH PEOPLE(in French)

[Those frog legs were delicious/Ilove frog legs!/I could eat a dozenfrog legs a day... oh, wait I do!]

They all laugh. PULL BACK TO REVEAL that every restaurant onthe block theyre standing on is a Frog Legs bistro.

MISS PIGGYWere in the frog legsarrondissement. We shouldnt havetaken our romantic walk in thisneighborhood. My bad.

(then)If you had just supported me in mycareer then none of this would havehappened!

KERMITLook Piggy, this is bigger thanjust us, its about the whole gang!You have to come back with us. TheMuppets studio is in trouble and ifwe dont put on a show its goingto be lost forever!

Piggy considers.

MISS PIGGYI will return for the studio, Iwill return for the Muppets, but if

I return, I will not be returningfor you.

KERMITOK, great. Sounds good. Lets go.

Kermit starts walking.

INT. KERMITS JET

The whole gang is now on the jet. Miss Piggy and Kermit are

sitting on opposite sides of the jet.MISS PIGGY

(dramatically into themiddle distance)

There is only one way to get to afrogs heart. Jealousy.

GONZOWho are you talking to?

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MISS PIGGYEveryone. No one. Myself. NONEOF YOUR BEESWAX!

Miss Piggy SEES A FREE SEAT next to Gary who sits next toWalter and a sleeping Mary. Miss Piggy sits down next to him

while looking at Kermit.

Miss Piggy starts tickling Gary. Gary starts laughing. MissPiggy THROWS HER HEAD back in FLIRTATIOUS LAUGHTER. Kermitsees Piggy and Gary laughing together and scrunches up hisface in jealousy.

MARY(half asleep, not openingher eyes)

Whats so funny?

GARY

(laughing)Just... Miss... Piggy! She wastickling me. Go back to sleep.

(whispering to Piggy)Hey, whats the big idea?

Miss Piggy sees that Kermit has vacated his seat.

MISS PIGGYMission accomplished.

Everyones talking to each other. Suddenly out from underthe chatter, Walter says:

WALTERSo, I dont mean to pry, but Ivealways wondered, why did you alldecide to go your separate ways?

LONG SILENT BEAT. Rowlf and Fozzie ANGRILY LOCK EYES.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS - FLASHBACK

Fozzie is doing his routine on stage and people are starting

to boo. Fozzie continues.FOZZIE BEAR

I went to go see a doctor about whymy mood was so erratic. He said Imight be Bi-POLAR!! Wakka WakkaWakka.

The crowd boos louder. Rowlf, sitting at his piano seesSWEETUMS REACHING FOR A LEVER BACKSTAGE.

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Rowlf motions Sweetums to wait. ROWLF BEGINS PLAYING FozzieOFF, A LA A LONG ACADEMY AWARDS SPEECH, and the curtaincloses on Fozzie mid performance. Just before the curtain hasclosed we see Fozzie give Rowlf an angry look.

BACK TO THE JET: GONZO and CHEF LOCK EYES.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS - FLASHBACK

Chef is doing his cooking act on the Muppet Show.

CHEFFlorgy Borgy, Chicken Catchatory!

In one hand he holds a very sharp knife and in the other heholds up Camilla by the neck who looks terrified. GONZORUSHES ON STAGE AND TACKLES CHEF! They begin to fight on theground. The audience watches on in shock.

BACK TO THE JET: ELECTRIC MAYHEM and KERMIT LOCK EYES.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS - FLASHBACK

Electric Mayhem is finishing their song and Animal ends withone of his wild drum solos. He gets more and more intense andbegins eating and bashing his drums to smithereens. The crowdLOVES it. WE PAN TO BACKSTAGE where Kermit holds a bankstatement that says Drum Budget: $0.00. Electric Mayhemfinishes to a standing ovation and the curtain closes. Kermitgoes up to Animal. The panting and still agitated Animal

bounces over to Kermit.

KERMITAnimal, listen, were running outof money in the drum budget. So Ifound a place that might be able tohelp you... calm down.

Kermit hands Animal a piece of paper. Animal takes the pieceof paper and EATS it.

BACK TO THE JET: KERMIT and MISS PIGGY LOCK EYES.

INT. KERMITS JET - MOMENTS AGO - FLASHBACK

Gary and Piggy laugh together. Kermit looks on jealously.

BACK TO THE JET: ALL THE MUPPETS and KERMIT LOCK EYES.

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INT. MUPPET STUDIOS

The Muppets are lined up for a photo shoot. Just before thephotographer takes a photo, Kermit runs up to him and raiseshis hand. The photographer snaps the photo. The photo turnsinto the cover of TIME magazine with a headline that reads

Whos the Best Muppet? Kermit stands in the foregroundraising his hand, while the rest of the Muppets sit in thebackground.

BACK TO THE JET: Its incredibly silent and awkward. Animalpulls out his flute and plays a brief burst. Then itssilent again.

WALTER(like Woody Allen, pullingan invisible collar)

Is it uhhh me or uhhh did it uhhhjust get uhhh a little uhhh icy uhh

in here?

REVEAL that everyone on the plane is frozen because Gonzosopened the door.

SAM THE EAGLEClose the door, Gonzo!

GONZOSorry! I had a great idea for anew stunt. But were not highenough.

Gonzo closes the plane door. Fozzie turns to Walter.

FOZZIE BEARLike all great comedy teams,eventually, you developprofessional rivalries.

ROWLFYou work together for years and youthink youre the best in the group,the most popular.

SAM THE EAGLE(sticking his head out)I was the best. But certainlyRowlf was more popular than Fozzie.

ROWLFI wouldnt say that. Although mypiano jazz was pretty popular.

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FOZZIE BEARYou kidding? Im funnier thanRoberto BEARnini!! Your pianoplaying was un-BEAR-able!Wakawakawaka!

MISS PIGGYNo! They loved me for my beautyand fashionable-ness!

GONZOYou kidding? Me getting hit in thestomach with a cannonball whilesinging an aria from Carmen is likethe most popular thing ever!

Suddenly the whole plane explodes in a fight over who was themost popular.

KERMITGuys, stop fighting!

(then)We were all the most popular.

MISS PIGGYEasy for you to say! You always gotall the credit!!!

The Muppets all ad-lib agreement.

KERMIT(hurt and defensive)

Thats just... Ive told you, Inever tried to...I cant help itif... you know what, nevermind.

Awkward silence on the plane. The Muppets stare forward notmaking eye contact. We see why they havent kept in touch. Along and painful silence. WALTER starts singing softly.

WALTER(singing)

Together again./Gee its good to betogether again./I just cant

imagine that youve ever beengone/Its not starting over, itsjust going on.

The mood softens. Piggy joins in.

MISS PIGGYTogether again./Now were here andtheres no need remembering when.

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FOZZIE BEARCause no feeling feels like thatfeeling.

ALL THREETogether again.

KERMIT LOOKS TO WALTER, GRATEFUL AND PROUD OF HIS YOUNGPROTEGE.

BEAKER(to the song)

Meep meep meep meep meep!

All the Muppets are getting really into the song.

ALL THE MUPPETSCause no feeling feels like thatfeeling!/Together-a!/Together-

a!/Together-a!

All the Muppets are going crazy.

EXT. KERMITS JET

The jet is shaking uncontrollably as they all jump up anddown with extreme excitement.

INT. KERMITS JET

ALL THE MUPPETSTogether again!!!!!!

KERMIT(TRULY THRILLED)

LETS SAVE THE STUDIO!!!!!!!!

THE GROUP CHEERS!!!

MISS PIGGYYay! And just to be clear weresaving the studio cause we want to!

Not cause you told us to.KERMIT

Well, of course.

JANICEYeah, Im not doing anything forthe Man.

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KERMITIm not the Man. First of all Ima frog.

JANICEThen like, Im not doing anything

for the Frog.

EVERYONEDown with the Frog! Down with theFrog!

Everyone starts fighting again.

INT. TEX RICHMANS OFFICE - DAY

Tex sits behind his desk reading a paper which reads MUPPETSGETTING BACK TOGETHER TO SAVE STUDIO FROM OIL BARRON TEX

RICHMANS PLAN TO DRILL FOR OIL. He pushes the intercom.

TEX RICHMANBobo, evil cohorts, get in here,NOW!

Bobo enters with several cohorts.

BOBOWhat is it boss?

TEX RICHMANSeems some new kids on the block

got the Muppets back together todayto try to stop me from getting mytasty tasty Texas tea!

BOBOTea?

TEX RICHMANOil son! Oil! Tasty tasty oil!! Andthere aint no way some wet behindthe ears upstarts nobodys heard ofand a gang of Un-FUNNY, never make

people laugh fakers like theMuppets gonna sip up that tasty teaunder my watch or my name isnt TexRichman!

BOBOIt isnt?

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TEX RICHMANOf course it is. Thats the point!It is my name, so they aint gonnasip my tasty oil! I made a solemnpledge to buy up all the oil in theworld and dangonit if I aint gonna

do it!

BOBOOut of curiosity, howd it make thenews so fast?

TEX RICHMANPappaRATzi.

INSERT OF THE PAPER: WRITTEN BY...A PICTURE OF RIZZO THE RAT

TEX RICHMAN (CONTD)(to Bobo)

I want you to keep an eye on theseun-funny Jokesters. Fuel up my jet.A little taunting from me and thoseMuppets will run home with theirtails between their legs. Some ofthem literally.

BOBOIsnt it possible taunting themmight only galvanize the group?

TEX RICHMANGalvanize!! I told you to stop

making up words you dumb Muppetlooking moron! Now git!

Bobo looks at him a bit hurt. He begins to leave along withthe cohorts.

TEX RICHMAN (CONTD)Aint you boys forgettingsomething?

They turn to him confused.

TEX RICHMAN (CONTD)Maniac laugh. Maniacal laugh.Maniacal laugh.

They all let out their Maniacal laughs and exit.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The cohorts and Bobo exit and stop laughing.

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COHORTBobo, why does he always do that?

BOBOWhat?

COHORTSay Maniacal laugh? Why doesnt hejust laugh?

BOBOHe cant. Hes never laughed. Notonce. Hes never found anythingfunny. Thats why he hates theMuppets. If they cant make himlaugh, then no one can.

COHORT 2He doesnt think the Muppets are

funny...thats crazy.

TEX RICHMANS VOICE COMES OVER THE INTERCOM.

TEX RICHMAN (O.S.)Cohort #2, youre fired. Maniacallaugh. Maniacal laugh.

INT. KERMITS MANSION - NIGHT

The entire ragtag band of heroes sit in Kermits living room.A long beat as everyone sits in silence, then:

FOZZIE BEAR(shocked)

This is your house!?!?

ROWLFWhoa, man!! I thought we split upthe dough evenly!!

RIZZOSeriously! I share a basement inChicago with 123 other rats!!

KERMITOh, well, I invested in Apple stocktwenty years ago.

FOZZIE BEARI invested all my money with...BEARSterns. Waca Waca! Bad move.Seriously.

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INT. KERMITS MANSION

And were back.

MISS PIGGYI dont believe it!

KERMITI swear. The Photographer took thephoto and used it without mypermission. It was a simplemiscommunication caused by my tinyamphibian-sized bladder!

TIGHT ON MISS PIGGY as we go into QUICK CUTS FLASHBACK

-- Miss Piggy and Kermit in a line at the airport. Kermit isacting really antsy because he has to pee.

-- Kermit and Miss Piggy are in a theater. Kermits openingand closing his legs really fast because he has to pee sobadly.

-- Miss Piggy and Kermit are at the altar. Kermit holds uphis finger and runs behind a bush.

MISS PIGGY(defeated)

It is true. He does have to pee alot.

KERMIT

That was kind of an unnecessarilypersonal flashback to share,dontcha think?

FOZZIE BEARWow, I guess we really should havelet you explain sooner!

MARYSorry to interrupt guys, but ifwere going to get a show on tv intime to save the studio, we really

gotta shake a leg!(then, confused)Whatre you doing?

REVEAL all the Muppets are shaking their legs.

MARY (CONTD)I mean we gotta kick it into highgear!

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REVEAL Gonzos on a motorcycle changing into high gear.

MARY (CONTD)No! Im just saying were alreadyplaying catch up.

REVEAL all the Muppets are holding Ketchup bottles andhitting them with spoons. Mary puts her arm on Kermitsshoulder.

MARY (CONTD)You talk to them, Kermit.

Piggy takes notice of her hand.

MISS PIGGYEh-hem. Whos the chick...frog!?!?

Gary, who is next to Piggy speaks up.

GARYOh, thats my girlfriend, Mary. Shewas on the plane with us. Remember?

Piggy eyes her skeptically, then puts her arm around Gary.

MISS PIGGYReally? Hmm. I never would haveguessed her for your type ofspecies.

Mary now eyes Piggy, confused and offended.

KERMITMarys right! Lets get to thenetwork before we run out of time!

ANGLE ON Chef who is holding an empty jar of Thyme.

SWEDISH CHEFToo late.

CUT TO:

INT. TELEVISION EXECUTIVE OFFICES - DAY

Several quick shots of the Muppets pitching their show.

CBS EXECUTIVENo.

-- A FOX EXECUTIVE

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FOX EXECUTIVENo.

-- A UNIVISION EXECUTIVE.

UNIVISION EXECUTIVE

Lo siento, perro no.

The Muppets all act really excited.

UNIVISION EXECUTIVE (CONT'D)That means no.

Their smiles fade.

INT. ABC EXECUTIVE OFFICE - DAY

Kermit sits across from an ABC executive who looks very

uncomfortable. Most likely, this is because ALL OF THE OTHERMUPPETS ARE ALSO CRAMMED INTO THE ROOM. There is literally NOSPACE TO MOVE.

ABC EXECUTIVEI dont get it. Why dont you justkeep doing your internet movies?

KERMITWhat internet movies?

The Exec flips on her computer. They see Beakers youtubeOde to Joy. Beaker guiltily leaves the meeting.

ABC EXECUTIVEListen Kermit, I like you, and soIm gonna shoot straight. You guysarent famous anymore.

FOZZIE BEARI wish hed shot a little morecurvy! Waca Waca.

The exec looks at Fozzie annoyed and motions to the door.

ABC EXECUTIVEThe answer is no. Not going tohappen. Not today, not tomorrow.

JANICESo, like, Thursday then?

ABC EXECUTIVEGuys...Youre just not cynicalenough or violent or ironic enough.

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Look at the shows that are populartoday. Robot Wars.

CUT TO two COMPUTER-ANIMATED ROBOTS DESTROYING EACH OTHERwith a title that comes up that says Robot Wars.

ABC EXECUTIVE (CONTD)Credit Card Club.

CUT TO FOUR EXTREMELY RICH LOOKING TEENAGERS WALKING THROUGHCENTRAL PARK dressed in head to toe designer clothes.

RICH KIDAfter the make-out party, you wannago shopping?

RICH KID 2Gucci-tastic!

ABC EXECUTIVEAnd, of course, the hyper-educational Soyburger and Numbers.

A QUICK CUT OF NUMBERS and SOY PRODUCTS floating around ascreen as a soothing voice speaks. (Baby Einstein spoof)

SOOTHING VOICEHow many letters are in the wordHarvard?

BACK TO THE ABC EXECUTIVE.

ABC EXECUTIVEIm sorry, but you guys are nolonger relevant.

Kermit rises to leave and heads for the door. Then he stopsand turns back.

KERMITBefore I go...well, theres justsomething I want to say. I thinkchildren are smarter and betterthan all this junk. Sure, theyll

watch that stuff if you dont offerthem anything else, but we have achance to make this world betterand more fun! Youre not going todo that by filling their heads withrobots and violence or with richkids shopping or with boringfloating numbers, youre going todo it by filling their heads withlaughter and friendship and hope.

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I just think... well, I know werenot famous anymore but I want youto know I think youre making a bigmistake.

Kermit nods, and reaches for the door handle to leave.

ABC EXECUTIVEKermit, wait.

(Kermit turns back)Youre right.

KERMITI am?

ABC EXECYes. Youre not famous anymore.

KERMIT

Oh.

ABC EXECUTIVEMy kids sit in front of thetelevision watching Robot Wars allday, and I wonder why they cantstop beating each other up. Mydaughter wants a Louis Vuitton handbag. Shes three. I hate myselffor selling this stuff and, so...Im going to take a chance andbroadcast your show.

MUPPETSYay!

ABC EXECUTIVEI want you to know that if I getfired for this Im taking you alldown with me.

(as theyre leaving)I mean it. I go down. You go down.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS

Kermit and the Muppets enter the Muppet studios. Walter andGary look around in amazement. Walter starts shakinguncontrollably.

WALTERPeanut!

REVEAL that the stage is still there, but quite run down anddirty. Its no matter. Walter is really excited.

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PEPE THE PRAWNI thought they turned this wholeplace into a paper factory, ok!?

KERMITEverything but the theater.

DR. TEETH(sniffing)

Im guessing they couldnt get ridof the smell.

We watch as SHEETS are pulled off the THEATER SEATS and thecurtains PULLED BACK. The stage is dusted by Beaker.Electric Mayhem PULLS a sheet off their instruments. Animalgoes to touch the drums and then BACKS AWAY scared. Gonzowalks into his supply room and PULLS a sheet off his variousstunts. He looks scared to even touch them. Chef walks ontohis kitchen set and opens the fridge. Its filled with

rotten food. He pulls a flamethrower and BURNS all the foodto a crisp and smiles. Hes back. Miss Piggy walks into herdressing room and uncovers a bunch of paintings and headshotsthat feature her. She then sees a photo of her and Kermitwhich she tosses in the trash.

INT. STAGE - DAY

Kermit stands before all the Muppets.

KERMITAlright, guys! Its time to

practice! Lets start with ouropening!

Electric Karma starts the Muppet Theme. There are no drumsbecause Animals playing the flute. None of the Muppets cankeep time as they march in.

ROWLFWe cant keep time without drums.

ANIMALNo drums! Sean Penn say no drums

for Animal!SAM THE EAGLE

I am a fighter, not a dancer.

MISS PIGGYAnd by the way Kermit, why do youalways get to open the show!

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INT. MUPPET STUDIOS - FLASHBACK

Several quick shots of the young Gonzo flinging bowling ballsat people with pins on their heads and NAILING THEM INDIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY VERY VIOLENTLY, sending themflying off their chairs.

INT. STAGE - PRESENT

And were back. Now Walter looks terrified too. Gonzobegins swinging the bowling ball in a circular motion, roundand round, building anticipation.

KERMIT/WALTERNo!!! Please!!! Not again!!!Somebody stop this madness!!!!/Getdown from there Gary!

But it is too late. Gonzo releases the Bowling ball and itflies towards Garys head, who closes his eyes in terror. Thecrowd gasps in fear as the bowling ball PERFECTLY KNOCKS THEPIN OFF Garys HEAD! The group erupts in applause.

KERMITHE DIT IT!!!

(to God)THANK YOU!!!! Thank you!!!

GONZO(with a bow)

Youre welcome. Donations are

gladly accepted. Just drop them inthe collection cluckets.

A gaggle of CHICKENS walk through the group with buckets andsome Muppets throw in money. Kermit runs onstage. Kermitlooks down at his clipboard.

KERMITOkay, next. Bunsen and Beaker!

Bunsen and Beaker pull back a curtain immediately behindGonzo where they stand next to a mysterious device.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEWThe Bowling ball act is actually agroup routine.

GONZO(embarrassed)

Bunsen dont---

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DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEWAllow me to explain. This is myTemporal Displacement Machine. Tothe casual observer, Gonzos stuntlooks indeed miraculous. However,it is in fact my device that is

truly astonishing.

GONZODr.! NO!

Bunsen flips a screen around on the Machine and replays thestunt for the Muppets.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEWYou see at the moment of release,my faithful assistant Beaker--

BEAKER

Meep Meep.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW(cont.)

--- turns the temporal displacementdial...

(pointing to a dial on thedevice)

Slowing time to a near halt...

We watch on the screen as everything begins to moveincredibly slowly. The bowling ball is clearly going to hitGary in the crotch. We watch as Beaker walks on stage and

literally guides the bowling ball directly to the pin onGarys head, then casually walk out of frame.

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW (CONTD)Time then resumes its normal speedand the audience is none the wiser.

GONZO(guiltily)

What? I dont want to kill someone!Again!

Kermit looks at the dial.KERMIT

Wait. The dial here says slow,slower and perfect pasta? Why theperfect pasta setting?

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEWYou never know when you might needperfect pasta!

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KERMIT(to Gonzo)

Gonzo, you do stunts! Thats whatthe people expect. The Muppetsarent about cheap tricks. Wereabout actual talent! Now you have

to promise if you do this stunt,you wont be using that freezingtime machine.

Gonzo nods and skulks off.

KERMIT (CONTD)Now, whos next?

MONTAGE OF MUPPETS PERFORMING THEIR ACTS.

Everyone is terrible.

-- Fozzie Bear does his stand-up act. In the BG, Scooterson a pogo stick.

FOZZIE BEARWhats the bear capital of the world? Koala Lampur!

Kermit looks at Rowlf and signals for him to play off Fozzie.Rowlf shakes his head no.

-- Gonzo destroys another mannequin with his bowling ball.

-- Camilla leads a bunch of chickens in a synchronized swim.

They all run into each other. It turns into a chaoticchicken splash fight. In the BG, Rowlf is eating sushi.

-- Sam the Eagle has his firework display. He lights it andstands proudly before it. One single sparkler lights up.

-- Gonzo destroys a mannequin with his bowling ball. Then heaccidentally whips another bowling ball behind him,destroying the wall. In the BG, Sweet Ums walks by on hishands.

-- Animals behind the drum set, still playing flute.

ANIMALBaby steps!!! Ahhhhhh!

INT. STAGE

Kermit stands on the stage.

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KERMITAlright, now lets see Waltersact.

WALTERMy... my act?

KERMITYup.

Walter begins shaking and then runs offstage.

KERMIT (CONTD)Okay...lets see. Who else is lefthere?

All the Muppets look at Kermit. He realizes hes the lastone to do an act.

INT. MISS PIGGYS DRESSING ROOM

Theres a knock at the door. Miss Piggy turns. Kermit pokeshis head in. He notices a bottle of hair dye labelled: JUSTFOR PIGS, but looks away respectfully.

KERMITReady to practice our duet?

MISS PIGGYI was ready for the duet of lifeFrog, but that ship has sailed.

KERMITBut Piggy, we have to. Theaudience expects it.

MISS PIGGYOh, Kermy... I might lie to get ajob. I might lie to get out of aparking ticket. I might lie to geta free croissant. But I will neverever ever lie on stage.

(then, making it up)

Besides... Im already doing a duet... with Gary. Bring him to me!

Miss Piggy turns. Kermit, clearly jealous, leaves the room.

EXT. AUDIENCE - MOMENTS LATER

Gary watches the acts when Mary walks up smiling.

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MARYHey, Gary, hows it going?

GARYCouldnt be going better!

Angle on Stage: Lou Zealand is hurling fish at Walter who ispinned to a target. They barely miss him, sticking likedaggers in the target.

MARYWow, that looks dangerous.

GARYNo, Lou is like, an expert.

MARYLook, I dont mean to be weird butdo you think Miss Piggy was a

little...

GARYA little what?

MARYI dont know, she didnt seem tolike me very much. Not nearly asmuch as she liked you at least.

GARY(smiling)

Oh my gosh! Youre jealous. Thats

so cute. Believe me babe, MissPiggy is just a friend.

Kermit walks into the theater and approaches Mary and Gary.

KERMITHey, umm... sorry to interrupt, butMiss Piggy wanted to talk to youabout something Gary. Shes in herdressing room.

GARY

Oh... ok, Ill be right back.He kisses Mary on the cheek, and Kermit and Mary look afterhim as he goes. Kermit sighs and walks off. Mary watchesthis concerned.

INT. PIGGYS DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

A knock. Piggy calls out from behind her dressing screen.

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PIGGYEntre mon amour, sil vous please.

GARY(entering)

Hi. You wanted to see me?

Piggy walks out from behind the screen in a lovely dress.

MISS PIGGYCould you help me with the zipper?

She turns revealing the dress is literally busting open inthe back, this zipper is clearly not going up.

GARYOh. Wow. Okay. Sure.

EXT. PIGGYS DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mary comes walking down the hallway towards the bathroom.However, as she passes Piggys dressing room she hears:

GARY (O.S.)I really dont think this willwork.

PIGGY (O.S.)We can make it work.

GARY (O.S.)

But Piggy, Im only human.

PIGGY (O.S.)Just try!!

GARY (O.S.)Okay. I dont think its a goodidea, but Ill try.

Mary peeks inside the dressing room and sees GARY trying tozip up PIGGYS DRESS!!!!! Mary looks hurt, and leaves.

INT. PIGGYS DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Gary is pulling with all his might on the Zipper, and Piggyis clearly in a great deal of pain. Gary gives up and letsgo, and Piggy is able to breath.

PIGGY(out of breath)

When I find out who shrunk my dress-

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KERMITOh. Okay, but lets eat up then,cause we really should get back towork. We dont have much time.

MISS PIGGY

Youre not the boss of us!!

ROWLFWell, he is the leader.

RIZZOSays who?

ROWLFIts just the truth.

MISS PIGGYWell if thats the truth, does that

mean that Im a liar!

The group erupts into fighting again. A cacophony of arguing.A second later, TEX RICHMAN WALKS INTO THE THEATER WITH HISCOHORTS..

TEX RICHMANManiacal laugh, Maniacal laugh,Maniacal laugh. Lookie what we gothere. We got a frog, a pig, a dog.Looks like a good old fashionedKorean BBQ to me. Muppets...

(he spits)

Cant even pull it together tounite against a common enemy... me,to save their studio. Pathetic.

GONZONow you listen here! We haveunited! Were just rehearsing ourfinale!!! The... the... cacophonyof the Muppets!!!

TEX RICHMANYou cant fool me... thing. Im a

hunter, and I know when an animalis wounded.

ANGLE ON ANIMAL HOLDING HIS FLUTE

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TEX RICHMAN (CONTD)And there aint nothin you can donow that can stop me from owningthis here studio and the tastytasty texas tea that runsunderneath. Im gonna bathe in

this sweet sweet oil until my skinis as leathery as a baseballglove, see. That is, unless youcan somehow get ten millionviewers for your telethon, whichwe all know is impossible.

MISS PIGGYWe will get ten million viewers!

KERMITThats right! And even if wedont... even if somehow you do own

the studio. It wouldnt matter.Were friends, and well keep onbeing the Muppets even if we needto find another place to perform!!!

TEX RICHMAN(dont make me laugh)

Make me laugh.

Pause.

SGT. FLOYD PEPPERI believe the expression is dont

make me laugh.

TEX RICHMANI know what I said and I said whatI meant. Why would I want you todont make me laugh? You dointhat already. You Muppets nevermade me laugh, so Im offering youa last chance. Make me laugh, Igive you the studio.

Long Pause. Finally Fozzie steps up dramatically.

FOZZIE BEARA man walks into the doctorsoffice. Doctor says, whats theproblem? Man says, I have aterrible headache. Doctor saysWell sir, I think you need to stoppicking your nose. Man says Why?Doctor says Cause Im trying toexamine you.

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Long long beat. Everyone waits. Tex Richman snaps hisfingers. Bobo produces the standard rich and famous contract.

TEX RICHMANThis here is the Standard Rich andFamous contract you signed some

thirty years ago, you remember?Its signed right here by oneKermit the Frog!?

KERMITYes.

TEX RICHMANWell maybe you shoulda read thefine print.

He holds a HUGE magnifying glass to some incredibly smallfine print.

TEX RICHMAN (CONTD)See, in three days its not justthis studio you lose the rights to.Its the Muppet name itself. Andnot just that, but ALL charactersunder the Muppet name. See, I dontjust own the studio. I own... THEMUPPETS. I own the loveable frog,the arrogant pig, the mediocrebear. I own em all!!! So enjoy yourlast few days together, cause afteryour failed telethon, you ever want

to work together again.... Youworkin for me. Maniacal laughManiacal laugh.

He and his cohorts exit. Pregnant pause.

SCOOTERUmmm. Kermit. Did he just say thatyou signed a contract that sold notonly the studio but also the rightsto the Muppet name and our on-stagepersonalities which, incidently

happen to also be our personalpersonalities.

Kermit gulps. All the Muppets move to pounce on Kermit.

SMASH CUT TO:

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INT. COURTROOM - LATER

Kermit sits in the Witness chair. Our Muppets sit in the jurybox, and Sam the Eagle presides as Judge. Janice and Scootersit as Prosecution and Defense, and the rest of our Muppetssit in the pews and watch the proceedings.

KERMITI swear, I had no idea. It wasthirty years ago! I had neversigned a contract before!

Janice stands.

JANICESo like...why do I have this likesigned contract dating two yearsbefore we ever went to Hollywood.

Kermit looks at it.

KERMITThats not a contract, thats areceipt for my Banjo.

JANICESo you say. Like...so you say.

The Muppets mumble in agreement.

KERMITI didnt have time to read the fine

print! And besides, you all wantedme to sign...remember!?!?!

CUT TO:

INT. WORLD WIDE STUDIOS - FLASHBACK

The Muppets stand before Orson Wells.

ORSON WELLSPrepare the Standard Rich and

Famous contract for Kermit the Frogand Company.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Kermit stands over the MASSIVE CONTRACT surrounded by theMuppets. He is glancing through it.

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MUPPETSSign it. Sign it. Sign it. Signit!!!

KERMITDont you think we should read...

MUPPETSSIGN IT! SIGN IT! SIGN IT! SIGN IT!

INT. COURTROOM - PRESENT

The Muppets all mumble to each other.

KERMITI swear, I would never have donethis on purpose. Please, youve gotto...

JANICESustained!

KERMITYoure not supposed to say that.

The Muppets consider.

JANICEOne final question your honor.

SAM THE EAGLE

Proceed hippie.

JANICELike, why do you have a courtroomin your house?

KERMITTheres fifty rooms in this house,and I ran out of ideas, so Ithought... how about a courtroom?Glad it finally came in handy.

JANICE(as though she got him)Like, so you say. I rest my case.

The Muppets all mumble to each other. Then, a small voice isheard from the back of the room.

WALTERYour fake honor, may I approach thefake bench?

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SAM THE EAGLEYou may, flattened, miniaturebadger.

Walter, who was sitting next to Gary, heads to the front ofthe room and addresses the Muppets.

WALTERWhen I was just a little brownpuppet I felt really all alone.Then I saw my first episode of theMuppet show and even though Ididnt know any of you, I finallyhad something to hope for. Thatsomeday I could be a Muppet. Youguys have the power to changepeople, to give kids hope, but theonly way you can do it is if youwork together to defeat this Tex

Richman guy. Dont you get it! Ifyou dont, youll never get toperform together AGAIN!!! We cantlet that happen. Now I know Im notone of you, but maybe thats why Ican see it all so clearly. You guysare being stupid! Like reallystupid! Like super duper stupid!Now how about we cut it out and puton a show already!!!!

Silence. Finally, Janice stands.

JANICEYour honor, like, in light of thesoggy burnt poptarts speech... theMuppets would like to like, dropall charges and put on a show.

THE WHOLE ROOM ERUPTS IN CHEERS!!!!! THEY RUN OUT. Waltersfollowing them.

KERMITYou stay here!

WALTERWhat? Why?

KERMITCause if youre going to join thegang you gotta figure out your act!By tomorrow night!

He pats Walter on the back and leaves.

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WALTER(nervous)

Join the gang?.....Pppppeanut!

He turns to Gary who smiles and gives Walter the thumbs up.

WALTER (CONTD)But...but Gary... I dont have atalent. Im... totally talentless.Remember when we auditioned forAmericas got talent?

GARYNo.

WALTERGary, remember...

INT. AMERICAS GOT TALENT - DAY

The early auditioning rounds of Americas got Talent. Garywalks out on stage carrying Walter and they approach the mic.

DAVID HASSELHOFSo, what will you be doing for ustoday?

GARYHi. My name is Gary and this is myfriend Walter.

Walter just stares lifelessly at the panel.

GARY (CONTD)Say hi Walter.

(long beat)Walter.

WALTER(shaking, whispered)

Peanut.

Peirs hits his buzzer. So does Hasselhof.

GARYBuddy, please say something.

Sharon hits her buzzer.

PEIRSHonestly, get off the stage. Youare without a doubt the worstVentriloquist Ive ever seen.

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GARYNo... no Im not a Ventriloquist.Hes alive, hes my friend.

Sharon rises angrily from her chair.

SHARON OSBOURNEGET OFF THE STAGE!!!!!!!!!

INT. COURTROOM - BACK TO PRESENT

WALTERWe didnt even get to our song anddance.

GARYYeah. Thats right. That was so badI completely forgot it happened.

Dont worry. Theres no waysomething like that could everhappen twice in a row. Youll findyour talent and itll be great.

Gary exits, and Walter looks mortified.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS/KERMITS HOUSE/ LOS ANGELES - MONTAGE

A montage of the Muppets each practicing their acts inharmony. They are getting better.

INT. MUPPET STUDIOS STAGE

Gary and Piggy rehearse Im Your Puppet on stage. Kermitwatches from off stage, jealously. Mary walks in and seeswhats happening. She looks jealous and leaves.

INT. ABC PRESIDENTS OFFICE - DAY

Its a gigantic office, like way, way too big with a giantoil painting of the ABC President right above his desk. The

ABC Exec pokes her head in.ABC PRESIDENT

What is this about a Muppet show?Nobodys heard from them in years.

ABC EXECUTIVEI just thought --

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ABC PRESIDENTI dont pay you to think. Youre atelevision executive.

ABC EXECUTIVEBut if we give them a chance --

ABC PRESIDENTFine. But if this doesnt workout, youre out on the street, noifs, ands or buts.

(then, friendly, pan toreveal a sundae bar)

You want some ice cream? I justgot this sundae bar installed tomake me more approachable.

ABC EXECUTIVEIm good.

The ABC President shoots the ABC Executive a long look.

ABC EXECUTIVE (CONTD)I would like butter pecan withsprinkles please.

EXT. STAGE

Kermit gets a call. In the background we see Beaker spinningplates on sticks. SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN HIM AND THE ABCEXECUTIVE.

ABC EXECUTIVEHey, so I was just checking to seehow its all going?

Beaker has a dozen plates spinning. He puts one final plateon top and the whole thing comes crashing down on him.

KERMITIts going great! Really great!

ABC EXECUTIVE

So, whos going to be hosting?KERMIT

I am. Like always.

ABC EXECUTIVEThats adorable. No, seriously.Whos going to host it? We need acelebrity. Pronto. Otherwise Imgetting fired.

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And just to reiterate, if I getfired you are all going down withme. I mean it. Get a star. Now.Also, have you booked an audience?

INT. TEX RICHMANS LOS ANGELES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tex Richman and Bobo ride on the top of a double decker tourbus through Los Angeles. Bobo wears spy headphones and holdsan antenna.

BOBOThey need to find a celebrity tohost their show or ABC wontbroadcast it!

TEX RICHMANPerfect! All we gotta do is run a

little interference! Theyre gonnahave a harder time finding a realcelebrity than dancing with thestars!!!

EXT. MOVIE PREMIERE AT MANNS CHINESE - DAY

This is a movie premiere for the film MICHAEL CLAYTON 2:THIS TIME ITS LESS COMPLICATED AND HAS MORE ACTION. GeorgeClooney poses for paparazzi on the red carpet. Dr. Teeth andElectric Mayhem are pretending to be paparazzi and cameramen.

GEORGE CLOONEYIt was really satisfying to revisitthe role of Michael Clayton.

JANICE(posing as a reporter)

So, like, is it true that due toyour, like, total and complete loveof charity youre going to behosting the Muppet Benefit?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Wait a minute. Youre not withTelemundo.

JANICE(batting her eyes at him)

Like, que Senor Clooney?

Tex Richman, dressed like an AGENT, whispers something inClooneys ear.

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GEORGE CLOONEYNo can do. Youre not famousanymore. Its just not good for mycareer.

SGT. FLOYD PEPPER

Didnt stop you from doingLeatherheads!!

George Clooney whispers something in Texs ear.

TEX RICHMANSecurity!

INT. KERMITS MANSION

QUICK CUTS of Walter trying to imitate different Muppettalents: Stunts like Gonzo, Piano like Rowlf, a fashion show

like Piggy.

INT. MR. CHOWS - LUNCHTIME

Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Mel Brooks and Steve Carell are alleating lunch. A plate arrives. The waiter takes the top offthe dish revealing Pepe the King Prawn. REVEAL the Waiter isSweetums.

PEPE THE PRAWNYou guys wanna be in a big Muppetbenefit?

STEVE/BENUh no./Not in a million years.

A second plate is put down on the table. Jack lifts the hoodoff. Kermits on the second plate.

KERMITCmon, Jack. You seem like someonewho loves fun?

JACK BLACK

Id do it if you were famous. Orif it would somehow benefit mepersonally.

MEL BROOKSIll do it. I love a live show.

KERMITThanks a lot, mister, but we needbig stars.

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Mel Brooks motions to a waiter, Tex Richman IN DISGUISE andwhispers in his ear.

TEX RICHMANSECURITY!!!

KERMITI didnt realize Chineserestaurants had security.

A bunch of ninjas drop down and pull them away.

INT. KERMITS MANSION

Walter tries playing saxophone. It sounds awful

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Sarah Jessica Parker is changing into couture when Miss Piggyslides in under the door.

MISS PIGGYHello lover.

SARAH JESSICA PARKERSECURITY!!!!

Tex Richman DRESSED AS SECURITY grabs Piggy.

INT. JAMBA JUICE - DAY

Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn sit having smoothies. Both aredressed very casually, Jon reads the paper and has a baby ina stroller next to him.

VINCE VAUGHNI think theres pineapple in thisSuper Citrus Blast. Im justsaying, if theres pineapple, tella guy. When I think of citrus,pineapple doesnt immediately jump

to mind.RIZZO THE RAT approaches dressed in a very swingers blacksuit and tie.

RIZZOSmoothie, baby. Smoothie. Its me.Rizzo! Cmon! Rizzo the Rat baby!Remember, Swingers?! Im justheading to Vegas, baby, yeah.

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JON FAVREAUI cant go to Vegas. Swingers wasten vears ago! Im married now. Ima director. I have two kids.

VINCE VAUGHN

Ill go to Vegas.

RIZZOVinnie, let me ask you, you wannahost our benefit show on Saturday?

VINCE VAUGHNI cant, Im gonna be in Vegas.

RIZZOCmon Jonny Boy! What do you sayBig Man?

JON FAVREAUDid you just call me big man? Imon a juice diet now!! SECURITY!!!!!

REVEAL: Tex Richman making a smoothie. He snaps his fingersand JAMBA JUICE security swoop in and tackle Rizzo.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Gonzo and Camilla sit in a small Citroen with sunglasses on.Matt Damon walks out of the office. Gonzo gets out of thecar and walks up to him.

GONZOMr. Damon! Interested in doing abenefit?

Matt Damon turns and TAKES OFF. Gonzo gives chase. Damonclimbs up a nearby fire escape. Gonzo runs up it to.Suddenly were in a full scale Bourne-style movie with crazyjump cuts. They get to the roof and start JUMPING from rooftop to roof top. Damon, using elegant parkour, jumps downbetween two buildings and lands on the ground to beconfronted by a SCREECHING CAR being driven by Camilla.

Damon RUNS OVER the car. Gonzo jumps off the building andSPLATS on the ground. He shakes himself off and gives chase.Now suddenly WERE IN a Morocco-like place. Damon turns acorner to be confronted by Beaker and Honeydew onmotorcycles. They DRIVE UP the stairs. Damon SMASHESthrough a window and turns to see Gonzo there.

MATT DAMON(out of breath)

Security.

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Tex Richman and several guards surround Gonzo.

INT. COPY CATZ

Scooter goes into Copy Katz to pick up the fliers.

SCOOTERHey, my names Scooter. I justcame to pick up our fliers.

The Copy Katz employee turns around to reveal a DISGUISED TexRichman.

TEX RICHMANHeres your sweet, sweet fliers.Meeeow help you with anything else?Maniacal laugh!

Scooter looks at him sceptically. Tex HANDS the box toScooter. Scooter walks off, confused.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD

Scooter hands out the fliers to tourists, locals and a guydressed in the dirty Spiderman costume.

SCOOTERCome to see the Muppets reunited!This Sunday at 7PM!

People are taking the fliers. ZOOM IN on the flier. Thefliers actually say Monday at 2AM at the Dubai InternationalConvention Center.

INT. NICE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Mary and Gary sit across from each other at a fancyrestaurant. Both are dressed up and look great.

GARYYou look beautiful. Im sorry I

havent been around lately but,well, happy anniversary.

MARYTo you as well. So...hows yourduet practicing going?

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GARYGood...you know. Miss Piggy can bea bit of a handful but weregetting through it. I sure miss youthough, Ill tell you that.

She smiles and they hold hands. The Maitre D approaches thetable with a broken arm.

MAITRE DEWelcome back, Sir. Out ofcuriosity, will Miss Piggy bejoining you again? I only askbecause I dont want to run out oftruffles again.

GARY(caught)

No. Its just the two of us.

Actually, its our anniversary.

He leaves. Mary stares at Gary.

GARY (CONTD)We were just picking up food foreveryone. Then Piggy wanted to havesome truffles and next thing I knewit was three hours later and thelocal supply of truffles had rundry.

MARY

I dont know Gary. I didnt want todo this, especially not on ouranniversary but... it just seemslike you dont even think about meanymore. This was supposed to beour anniversary vacation and I feellike Ive just disappeared for thelast thirty minutes of the movie.

Gary looks a bit guilty.

GARY

I understand. But, I mean...itsnot like I wrote it.

Mary looks at Gary, who looks down guiltily.

GARY (CONTD)I understand. I just couldnt haveanticipated any of this wouldhappen. But I promise you, you arethe number one thing in my life.

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Tex Richman in disguise approaches holding a magazine.

TEX RICHMAN IN DISGUISESorry to bother you, but I washoping I could have your autograph.

GARYMe. Sure, but...why?

TEX RICHMAN IN DISGUISEYoure Miss Piggys new man!

He plops the tabloid mag down on the table which has aheadline - MISS PIGGYS NEW MAN!!! It has photos of Garysquiring Piggy around town to find a dress.

GARYI can explain!

His phone rings. He looks down and sees the caller ID readsLA COUNTY JAIL. He answers.

GARY (CONTD)Hello? PIGGY!?! What areyou...youre where?!?! All of you?Okay Ill be right down!!

Gary hangs up and turns to Mary to explain, only to find thatSHE IS GONE. Shes left a present. Gary opens it. Its aframed photo of Mary, Gary and Walter.

INT. JAIL - NIGHT

We pan down the hallway of the jail peering through the cellswhere our Muppets sit, dejected. We continue panning until wereach the final cell where CHARLES GRODIN sits, stillincarcerated from The Great Muppet Caper.

INT. JAIL

A guard walks down the hall.

PRISON GUARDAlright, youre free to go. Youvebeen bailed out.

The cell door is opened and our Muppets make their way out.Charles Grodin sees Piggy as she exits.

CHARLES GRODINIts you! Piggy! I never thoughtId see you again!!! Come back!

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We can still make bacon together!!!Its fate!!!

She sees him and quickly turns to the gang.

MISS PIGGY

Go. Move! Move it along!!!!!

CHARLES GRODINAT LEAST IM NOT A RAT!!

Rizzo crosses back into frame.

RIZZOI resent that!

INT. KERMITS MANSION - NIGHT

Our gang sits around looking to Kermit for inspiration.

GONZOSo we couldnt get any big stars,what do we do now Kermit?

FOZZY BEARYeah Kermit! We need an idea fast!

Kermit rises. A long beat. He looks like he might cry.

KERMIT(sadly)

We give up.

Everyone gasps in shock.

KERMIT (CONTD)We tried. We tried everything wecould think of. Im sorry if I letyou guys down, but I guess... wellI guess this is the end of theMuppets. I love you guys, but Idont know what else to do.

Kermit turns and walks out of the room, beaten.

EXT. KERMITS MANSION - CONTINUOUS

Kermit walks out onto his patio and gazes out at the fullmoon sadly. Stars twinkle behind him. From behind, we watchKermit wipe a tear from his eye.

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CHARLES GRODIN (CONT'D)

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INT. KERMITS MANSION - CONTINUOUS

Our dejected heroes sit in shock at their leaders surrender.A long moment of silence. Finally, Miss Piggy rises and walksout the glass doors onto the veranda.

EXT. KERMITS MANSION - CONTINUOUS

Miss Piggy sees Kermit and walks towards him. She takes aplace next to him and the two stand, backs to camera, framingthe full moon. They stare at it in silence for a beat, thenMiss Piggy turns to Kermit who continues gazing at the sky.

MISS PIGGYKermit. I have never seen you likethis. It kills me to see you sosad. And do you know why? Because Ilove you Kermie, not just as a

frog, but as a friend. And its notjust me. Its all of us. We look upto you. We need you. So dont giveup. Because these past few days.Well theyve been the best few daysweve had since weve been apart.Kermit, youre the best thing Iveever known.

Kermit turns to Piggy and the two stand in profile.

MUSIC UP: Marvin Gayes version of Im Your Puppet. Kermitand Piggy gaze into each others eyes. They should kiss. Then:

KERMITYOURE RIGHT PIGGY!! WEVE GOT TOSAVE THE STUDIO!!!!

INT. KERMITS MANSION - CONTINUOUS

Our dejected gang sits in the living room, as Kermit comesracing through and heads out the front door.

KERMIT

Its time to get our big star andsave the studio!

The gang all cheers and follows. Once the living room isempty, Piggy crosses frame after them, slowly and annoyed.

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EXT. JACK BLACKS HOUSE - NIGHT

Kermit, alone, walks tentatively to the front door and ringsthe bell. Finally, the door opens revealing Jack Black inhis pajamas with a Guitar Hero guitar around his neck eatinga sandwich.

JACK BLACKKermit? What are you doing here?

KERMITI just wanted to talk to you aboutthe benefit show --

JACK BLACK(cutting him off)

---Im sorry Kermit. I thought wediscussed this. And as you can see,Im kind of busy eating this

sandwich. I gotta go.

MISS PIGGY (O.S.)NOW!!!!!

We see that Miss Piggy, dressed like a cat burglar, isstanding on the roof of Jacks house. She leaps off and landson Jack Black, toppling him. ALL OF THE MUPPETS SWOOP IN ONROPES, MOTORCYCLES AND JETPACKS, DRESSED IN ALL BLACK, andrestrain JACK with ropes and a gag. THIS SHOULD BE AS VIOLENTAS OUR RATING WILL ALLOW!! Piggy leaves the fray andapproaches Kermit as the gang subdues Jack.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)You did it Kermie!!

KERMITNo, we...

MISS PIGGYShhhh.

MUSIC UP: IM YOUR PUPPET (MARVIN GAYE)

Piggy and Kermit stand face to face, framing the violent

kidnapping of Jack Black. A long beat as they stare into eachothers eyes. Piggy leans in for a kiss. KERMIT PANICS.

KERMITUmmm..... PEANUT!!!!

He joins the fray, leaving Piggy standing alone, puckering.

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MISS PIGGY(angry)

Thats it frog!!! Never again!!!!Never again!!!!!

She walks off and spots Gary sitting on the curb looking at

something. She goes and sits next to him.

MISS PIGGY (CONTD)He makes me so angry sometimes.

Gary looks at her sadly, then looks back at the framed photoof Mary in his hands. Miss Piggy takes this in and STEALS OFFwithout him noticing.

INT. SMALL TOWN ELEMENTARY

Mary is at her desk as her class takes a quiz when an invite

is slipped under door. She opens the invite. It reads Ms.Mary Greggs and Her Class Are Invited to see the MuppetsPerform as a guest of Gary Stevens. She opens the door.PIGGY IS STANDING THERE WAITING, DRESSED TO THE NINES.

MARYOh. Hello.

MISS PIGGYMay I come in?

MARYUm. Alright. Did you just slip this

letter under the door?

MISS PIGGYPerhaps.

MARYHow did you get here?

MISS PIGGYI may or may not have borrowedsomeones jet without asking.

MARYKermit?

MISS PIGGYPerhaps

(she enters)Perhaps. I have come to talk to youabout your boyfriend... whats hisname again? Ah yes, thats it,Carey.

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MARYGary.

MISS PIGGYGary. Indeed. Listen Carey, I thinkthere has been a misunderstanding.

MARYMary.

MISS PIGGYPiggy. Miss Piggy. And you seeCarey, I know that you and Careyhave been having some problems. AndI know that I may be somewhat atfault for said problems so I justwant you to know, I have nointerest in Carey whatsoever.

MARYGary.

MISS PIGGYPiggy. Listen dear, I know we gotoff on the wrong hoof, and Iunderstand your jealousy, I reallydo, but if you must know, there isonly one out there for me...

MARYKermit?

MISS PIGGYI cant say! But what I can say,Carey, is that Carey is a good man,and you must not let my beauty,fame or talent get in the way ofthe love you share. We are strongwomen you and I, and women like usmust stick together. Perhaps thisis best expressed in a female poweranthem.

Insert Women in a Mans world, a Dolly Parton-esque song

between Piggy and Mary as the class watches on.

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Jack Black, in a tuxedo, is bound and gagged in a chair.Scooter enters enthusiastically.

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SCOOTERFive minutes to curtain Mr.Black!!!

Jack writhes in his chair and tries to yell through the gag.

SCOOTER (CONTD)Can I get you anything?!?!(off Jacks grunts)

Sounds great. Good luck outthere!!!

Scooter exits.

INT. WALTERS DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Walters getting make up done as Gary sits on the couch.

GARYSo, are you good to go, buddy?Whats your act gonna be! Im dyingto know!?! Are you excited!?!

WALTERTotally. I mean, theres going tobe so many people out there,hundreds of people, but thatlljust make it m