pastratorii iubirii
TRANSCRIPT
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http://randigunther.blogspot.com/2011/08/who-are-keepers-traits-of-long-term.html
Who Are The "Keepers?" - The Behaviors of Long-TermSuccessful Relationship PartnersMany long-term relationship seekers have failed to find their ideal partners despite sincere and
intense efforts. They have read dozens of self-help books and Internet articles, watched dating
videos, and sought competent therapists to help them. They have learned every phase of
finding the right partner, correcting their own dysfunctional behavior, and keeping competitive
in the dating market. Yet, they have not been successful in maintaining lasting relationships.
As a relationship therapist for forty years, I believe that the most important evidence has been
overlooked. Most all relationship advice has focused on the popular qualities and behaviorspeople think will ensure success, and have largely ignored those that consistently create great
relationships.
Operating under the radar, people with these under the radar qualities dont appear in
tabloids or reality TV shows. They dont live on pedestals, fall from grace when they choose
new relationships, or leave behind angry ex-partners. You wont usually find them leading with
sexual attractiveness, status, connections, social performance, financial success, or dramatic
experiences.
They do understand that those society-driven highly advertised characteristicsare important,
but they also know they are not likely to be enough to survive the test of time and can often
lose their value in the face of unexpected crises.
Ive watched these people carefully over many years. They consistently create great
relationships filled with joyful and meaningful experiences. Ive heard them called Keepers,
those people youd will always treasure. I support that title and definition. These successful
relationship people exhibit a set of beliefs, actions, and ideals that keep relationships thriving
through the good times and the bad.
For the past four decades, I have asked my successful long-term relationship partners what
behaviors and qualities they most treasure in each other. From those wonderful comments, I
have compiled a list of the most common fifteen consistent identifiers. They are not hard to
recognize when you know what to look for, but people in new relationships often overlook
them. Keepers are people who have the gift of making others feel treasured. Their
interpersonal interactions seem smooth, easy, and appropriate in most every situation. You may already possess some of these traits, or you may want to add others or substitute
some of them out. What is important is what matters to you and what your personal
experiences have been. As you read through these, think of people you have consistently
treasured and felt valued by. Also note if these behaviors characterize them.
At the end of the category descriptions, you and your partner can take the short quiz to see
where you stand on each of these traits. It is only for information, and not meant as a way of
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finding fault. You may also think of other traits that have been important markers in the
successful relationships youve had or observed and could add them to the list.
Trait One Keepers are self-accountable
Keepers understand how love works are not afraid to question themselves. They clearly put
knowledge ahead of ego-preservation, and seek ways to help their relationships stay successful.
They ask themselves what they could do to change them for the better. They are not out to win
at their partners expense.
Alongside of their willingness to admit wrongs and to choose compromise whenever possible,
they are also confident in their own contributions. They dont automatically give up their point
of view when challenged. You know them by their combination of ego strength and flexibility.
They not only hold their integrity under fire, but also expect that kind of behavior from people
they respect.
Example:
He: I keep telling you how much I hate it when youre late. No matter what I say, you dont
seem to give a damn. What will it take for you to listen and do something about it? Im fed up.
Keeper: (Pulls back and wants to defend, but thinks about what hes said, and where hes right.)
You have every right to be upset. I dont handle time very well. I really mean to, but I let other
things distract me. I know Ive been getting better but you do have a history of being
disappointed with me. Im really going to make this a high priority. Work with me, okay?
(Reaches out for his hand.)
He: (Taking her hand.) I guess I dont trust that youre really making an effort, but I know youare. Im sorry for the rant. I guess I want to be more important to you.
Keeper: I do this to a lot of people, and Im sure youre not alone. I will do everything I can to
make this better, babe. Im glad you cared enough to challenge me.
Trait Two Keepers can hold on to their own personal rhythms under stress
Keepers can blend into the rhythm of their partners when they want to because they honor and
respect their differences in timing and urgency level. They do not allow themselves to be pulled
into emotional cascades when it doesnt work for them or the relationship.
Whether making love, spring cleaning, or planting a garden, people thrive in individual
ways. Those who respect and know their own rhythms want whats best for themselves and
their partners. They are reasonably flexible and can slow down or speed up if their partner
needs them to, but ultimately know that they are the final say on how they respond.
Example:
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She: (coming in the door from work) Hi, honey. Wheres the mail? Did your sister reply to our
dinner invitation? Did you remember to pick up my prescription? Ive got to finish this damn
presentation tonight. When am I going to do this? Im so stressed out.
Keeper: (smiling and even) Slow down, sweetheart. Youre spinning.
She: Wow, I really am, arent I? I think I swallowed a whole lot of crap today and Im taking it
out on you. I get so rattled when I have too much on my plate. Thank God you dont get pulled
in. Youre my rock.
Keeper: (smiling) Im sure I get rattled on occasion, too. I just hate to see you so upset,
especially by people who shouldnt matter that much. We can go over your laundry list and
figure this out together.
She: Im so grateful you dont get pulled in to my stuff. Its such a relief.
Trait Three Keepers dont patronize. They find a way to stay interested or they graciously
bow out
Keepers know that boredom can undermine the best of relationships. Because they can hold on
to their own sense of excitement, their first response to an uninteresting situation is to try to
make it more meaningful by using their own resources. They know that staying bored will
probably make them boring as well, and they dont want others to have to endure that. Their
goal is to find meaning or joy in whatever they are doing.
Theyre the first to admit that they dont respond as well to people who arent willing to change
their situation. They eagerly look for any way to make connections more positive and dont give
up easily. If, eventually, there is nothing more they can do, they wont patronize anotherperson by pretending that they are interested when they no longer are.
Example:
Keeper: Ive been asking you a lot of questions and you seem quiet. I hope Im not being
inappropriate.
She: Thats sweet of you to ask. Im not much of a talker.
Keeper: Im interested in knowing you better. Tell me something about yourself youd like me
to know.
She: (shrugs) Well, Im a pretty ordinary person. Not much thats that interesting. ( Silence.)
Keeper: (Know hes going to have to put out more effort, but still willing to try.) Well, what do
you like most about your work? Youre a dental hygienist, right? It must be nice to make people
feel better about themselves. What kind of people do you usually see?
She: I guess its an okay job. The people are usually nice.
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Keeper: Have you ever thought about doing any other kind of work in your life? Maybe
something that would be more meaningful?
She: Ive never really thought about it.
Keeper: (realizing this isnt working very well, but wants to get through dinner without making
her feel badly) Well, what would you like to order? I really like the halibut here. Do you like
halibut?
She: (peering at the menu and seemingly unaffected) I need some time to decide.
Keeper: Take our time. Id like you to get something you really enjoy.
Trait Four Keepers see humor as a sacred part of relationships
Laughter is one of the best antidotes for anxiety, sorrow, loneliness, or frustration. People who
find the humor in life are more resilient to disappointments. They dont laugh inappropriatelyor use humor to mock, but they do maintain perspective that keeps them aware.
Keepers dont use laughter to cover when theyre feeling uncomfortable. They have learned the
value of timing and a compassionate heart, and can process sorrow and joy with the same
gentle appreciation for life. They readily enjoy others who can make them laugh, and help them
hold on to their sense of perspective when times are hard. They have a keen sense of
perspective, and dont use humor to lighten up situations that need to stay serious.
Example:
He: Man, people are sometimes so stupid. Every time I tried to tell my boss what we needed todo to save the deal, I get undermined. Hes just like my old boss. I know hell pretend he didnt
hear me and then steal the idea. What the hell am I supposed to do, just shut up and get used
again? If this job didnt pay so well, Id be out of there. Doesnt anyone have integrity
anymore?
Keeper: (touching his face tenderly) I understand, but I hate to see you this heavy and down. I
know you work hard, but youre letting this guy steal your soul. Remember when we used to
make fun of hard situations? We could put anything in perspective, just because we knew how
to laugh about things together.
He (reflecting): How did I get this angry, honey? I dont want to go around feeling this way.Maybe too many disappointments in people. I dont know what to do.
Keeper: (Caressing him) Well, you could get me pregnant.
He: (laughing) Now, that suggestion definitely changes the equation.
Trait Five Keepers know how to stay even
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Keepers have an internal resiliency and dont get out of control. You can always count on them
to stay centered, especially when they are challenged. They can take in criticism with the same
gracious evenness as compliments. They seem to have internal advocates who catch them
when they fall and support them when their confidence is low, and want to do that for others
whenever they can.
They use challenges as opportunities to know themselves better, and to learn more about their
partners fears and insecurities. They feel grateful that they can find their footing more easily
than others, but they dont give up continuously learning how to do it better.
They dont overly react when their partners are unstable. They can be caring but wont take
more challenge than they feel they deserve.
Example:
She: (angry and blaming; on output) Its been three weeks since youve even looked at me. You
take care of everyone else in the world but Im your lowest priority. I wait and wait so I wont
bug you and seem needy, but Im getting really tired of feeling so damned unimportant. Cant
you see how much Im hurting?
Keeper: Hey, whats going on? Where is this all coming from? We were great this morning and
I havent seen you all day.
She: (heating up) Youre on that God damn phone all day. Youre sweet to every waitress that
serves us, even if they arent doing a good job. You wont tell your mother to leave us alone on
the weekends. You dont remember the things I tell you that are important to me.
Keeper: It feels like youre really on output. Im willing to listen and to take blame where its
due, but there seems to be a lot more going on here than youre talking about. Slow down and
try to tell me where this all started.
She (quieting down and starting to cry): I dont know. I just missed you today after we made
love. I guess I needed more of us and you disappeared, like always.
Keeper: (takes her hand but stays centered) Im really sorry youre feeling so bad, honey. I did
leave a little soon. I didnt want you to feel sad. I really thought we were okay. I wish youd told
me you needed more. I cant take responsibility for the things I dont know but Ill sure try to
change the things that I can. Talk to me about what can I do for you now that might help?
She: (Feeling hopeful) Just listening to me really makes a difference, especially when you are so
honest. It would really help if we could plan some longer time together soon.
Keeper: Lets do it.
Trait Six Keepers do not allow guilt to influence their decisions
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When people feel embarrassed, shameful, or guilty, they feel like they havent measured up.
Small children learn from their caretakers when they are being good or bad. Even though those
criteria may be arbitrary, they are absorbed and form the basis for guilt in adulthood.
Only through greater understanding do adults realize that guilt was used to control their
choices when they were young, and begin to set their own standards for personal integrity.Keepers do not control others by using guilt tactics, nor do they succumb to obligatory
obedience if others use guilt to control them. Their views of themself mostly depend on their
own integrity, not upon what others expect of them. They care about making others happy, but
do not act from fear of loss when they cannot.
Example:
He: You cant seem to get this straight. I told you for the fiftieth time that you cant open your
mouth in front of my friends if you dont have anything worthwhile to say. Your dad says the
same thing about you when you were a kid. You always were out of line and continuously said
things that made people uncomfortable. You should be able to keep that under control by now.What do I have to do, send you to your room?
Keeper: (checking inward first to make sure she was okay) Youre talking to me now as if I was
that child and trying to use guilt to get me to do what you want. Im okay with who I am. No one
at that table seemed uncomfortable but you, so maybe its your own stuff. Bringing in my dads
childhood stories is hitting below the belt. I dont appreciate it.
He: Okay, okay. Maybe Im being a little hard on you. Im really being critical and I shouldnt
be. Maybe it is about me. Youre so damn comfortable telling complete strangers everything
about your life, and Im really uneasy if it includes me. I probably wouldnt be comfortable even
when it doesnt have anything to do with me. We never talked about this kind of stuff when Iwas a kid.
Keeper: I dont want you to feel guilty for being mad. You have every right to want what you
want just as I do. Lets really talk this over and plan ahead better. I like being open and I dont
really care what other people think. Im sensitive to how people are responding, honey. I dont
want to embarrass you.
Trait Seven Keepers store the good times
Life can be hard at times for everyone, and tragedies can erode a persons capacity to endure
grief without resentment or bitterness. Keepers like knowing they can fall back on greatmemories in order survive and thrive when times are hard. They realize that remembering
those experiences in the midst of trauma can be hard and that practice makes it easier.
When life is less stressful, Keepers look for and store the good times so they can draw upon
them later. They make a point to treasure the simplest things and to turn every possible
situation into one of joy, mischief, or adventure. They are not irreverent about sorrow or
tragedy, but balance difficult moments with joyous recollections.
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Example:
She: This has been a horrible month. Nothing has turned out right and I cant see anything in
the future that can make up for it. Im so incredibly depressed. We desperately need a break,
some kind of silver lining in this mess.
Keeper: I agree completely, but we have to remember that it hasnt always been this way. We
have lots of reasons to believe that theyll get better and weve got to keep those in mind when
things are tough.
She: (torn but touched) I know youre right. But its really hard for me to remember and to have
faith that well be okay.
Keeper: I know, sweetheart. But I know how down you can get if you keep thinking the way you
are.
She: Arent you worried? What do you do with your fears?
Keeper: Im not always okay, either. You know how tough things were for my family when my
dad died. There were a lot of times when my mom and sisters would just cry. I didnt know what
to do for them. I was the smallest so I just would pretend that things were great and that we
had nothing to worry about. Id perform skits that would make them laugh. They would seem
better so I just got it into my head that pretending things would get better worked. And they
did, eventually.
She: (smiling in appreciation) I dont know whether its just a nice idea or the twinkle in your
eyes, but it helps to remember. Weve had so much to be grateful for. Thanks honey.
Trait Eight Keepers are authentic
Keepers trust those who are honest and above-board. They feel responsible for what they say
or do. They just dont pretend to be someone they are not, or automatically agree with
something they that they dont. They want to be transparent because they dont play games or
want to participate in any. Theyd rather hear the truth from others, too, even if its
uncomfortable.
Keepers choose partners who value them for their honesty. They dont take that right lightly,
nor do they use their authenticity to unnecessarily point out others faults. They do love and
care for how their partners feel about them. They dont go out of their way to cover their faults,
and deeply appreciate when others are honest with them.
Example:
He: (Teasing, but serious underneath) Okay, Ive been working out for two months and
watching everything I put in my mouth. You have two choices. The first is to tell me I look better
than when you married me ten years ago and reap the rewards of total devotion. The second is
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to say that you dont see any difference, and risk that I will go into a deep pout for the next
several days and forget your birthday.
Keeper: I dont like the odds. Way too risky. First of all, I love you with your belly relatively
round. Yes, it is not particularly sexy to look like Buddha, but youre my Budha. Second, youve
only lost five pounds and it is noticeable but probably not neon-lighted yet. That doesnt meanIm not proud of you for your commitment and effort. Its great. Are there new muscles? Yeah, I
can definitely see them as they work their way to the surface. Now you have two choices: the
first is to be hurt by what Ive said. The second is to tell me how much you value my total
honesty so that when you start to look really good, youll know its true.
He: (smiling) You are merciless, but thats why I trust you. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Youve always been in my corner, honey. Im not quitting
Trait Nine - Keepers understand and accept their value in the marketplace
Keepers have a realistic sense of their own value. They dont try to impress people who arentinterested in them, and they dont want others to go out of their way to win their favor. They
have strong values about what characteristics they believe are important, and are not tempted
away from them to be someone they couldnt respect.
If they dont come out ahead in any contest, they dont complain or feel rejected because they
know its a waste of time. Theyll tell you that they are more interested in finding out what they
could have done better. If they want to belong to a specific group or relationship, they figure
out how they offer what is required, and then do their best to make it happen. If they dont
make the cut, they analyze what didnt work instead of blaming anyone, then either try again,
or find another relationship that does work.
Example:
She: Im so down. I do everything I can to make those people like me and they just keep
rejecting me. Im obsessing over not being good enough. I dont know what to do. I just dont
seem to be able to let go.
Keeper: Im really impressed by your perseverance. I could not handle that much rejection and
come back. What are the criteria for getting into that group?
She: (thoughtful). You know, Im not really sure Ive thought about it. I know they like people
who have great careers, and I do. They also seem to favor people who make a lot of money,which I dont. I think a bunch of them have been together since college, but not all of them, so
that doesnt apply. They do play a lot of tennis, which Im not great at.
Keeper: Sounds like having a lot of money is important to them. Do they travel a lot?
She: You now, I think youre right. I love taking care of the kids I do, but Im not free to just get
up and go whenever they can.
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Keeper: Do you wish you could?
She: Not if I had to give up what I love to do. Youre really helping me, Gus. I never equated my
real values with how they live their lives. I think Im trying to get into the wrong group.
Keeper: They have an absolute right to set the criteria for how they live their lives. Its a hard
lesson, I know. I learned it a long time ago when I couldnt play varsity ball in high school. I just
wasnt good enough. Now I coach basketball and Im really good at it.
Trait Ten Keepers look for the value in others
Keepers look for the true positive traits in others, and remember to let them know it. They keep
their important relationships up to date because they know that nothing in life is guaranteed.
They dont dwell on the possibility of loss, but intentionally focus on what they treasure in the
present.
Keepers remember the important things you tell them, and, if necessary, act on them when
they get the chance. When they are with people, they focus on the situation at hand and pay
close attention to what is happening. Most people who know them feel special in the presence
of a Keeper, as though they were the only person who existed.
Example:
He: Have you got a few minutes?
Keeper: Sure. Whats up?
He: I just got off the phone with my girlfriend, and she says she needs a break. I acted okay at
the time and told her to do whatever she needed, but I think I need a drink or something. I know
youre working on an important deal for work tomorrow, but I wondered if we could hang out
for a while.
Keeper: Hey, Ive been there. Youre not the kind of guy who easily asks for help. My work can
get done later. Ill meet you at your apartment in half an hour.
He: Youre sure its not going to mess you up?
Keeper: No problem. Youre more important to me. Im good.
Trait Eleven Keepers avoid useless energy drains
Anxiety, unresolvable conflicts, outrage, powerlessness, negative conspiracies, and attachments
to unattainable outcomes: all are examples of behaviors that drain people without changing
anything. They make people less functional and less focused on making a difference. Keepers
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avoid such useless outpourings of resources. They would rather use that energy to solve
problems and create new possibilities.
Keepers inspire others to focus on the possible. They dont put you down if you are drowning in
dysfunctional hopelessness. Instead, they will help you let go of energy drains and help you to
focus on what you like about yourself. They like working on a team to find the best solutions.
Example:
She: Ive got myself in a mess. I have to be three places at once and all of them are important. I
cant bear letting people down and Im overcommitted again. I know Im going to disappoint
someone big time, and Im sure Im going to get blamed. Damn, why do I always try to do so
much?
Keeper: Im really sorry, sweetheart. Ive seen you do this before. You want to make too many
people happy, but, since youve already committed, why not let go of it. Worrying wont make it
better. Youre praying to the God of Mercy and you really havent done anything wrong except try too hard to do everything for everybody.
She: I know youre right. I just need to get things in better priority. I always forget that I can
only do whats in front of me. You try to tell me to not try to second guess people or borrow
trouble, and I really want to be more like that.
Keeper: Do you want some help? We can sort this thing out together and I can take over some
of the other stuff.
She: (smiling) I need to carry you around in my head before I get myself in trouble.
Trait Twelve Keepers Know how to Self-Soothe
Like anyone else, Keepers get hurt, frustrated, and upset, but, when times get tough, their first
response is to relax and self-soothe. They know that if theyre agitated, theyll just make more
errors. To keep from doing that, theyve learned how to take some deep breaths, go inward,
and remember what is important. If they get overstressed and respond negatively, they are
quick to regain their personal balance and correct the situation.
Most Keepers will tell you that they werent always that way, but have practiced catching self-
destructive patterns before they are harder to solve. They much prefer friendlier and more
successful alternatives to arguing, defensiveness, or unproductive competition.
Example:
He: Youre so quiet, honey. Whats going on?
Keeper: Ive had a really tough day. The kids have been energy vampires. The delivery people
didnt show. The people on the committee didnt do what they promised. I could go on, but it
wouldnt help.
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He: Do you need to get stuff off your chest?
Keeper: Thanks, but not right now. You know me. I just need to be quiet for a while and sort
things out. I dont like it when I get this aggravated because I distort input and react to all the
wrong things. Remember when I was so angry all the time after people disappointed me? It
wasnt good for me, or for us. Just give me a little while and Ill be able to handle all this better.
He: I appreciate you. Can I take the kids out for a while so you can do it without the chaos?
Keeper: That would be a great help. I need to do some re-planning so these damned situations
dont get me going like this. Youre so great to care this much.
Trait Thirteen Keepers seek continuous transformation
Keepers are committed to learning from the past and projecting the future more effectively. To
do that, they willingly seek constant new ways of seeing their lives unfold. Their own search for
more effective ways of living is wonderfully contagious. They are most alive when seeking
treasures, solving puzzles, or attaining important goal. They learn from their mistakes and
believe in their dreams.
Most people will choose security and predictability over challenge or change. Keepers
successfully blend the two. They cherish traditions but search always for better ways to help
themselves and others. This way of being makes them ever interesting and exciting to be
around. They dont wait for someone to inspire them; they generate excitement by who they
are.
Example:
She: Hi. Dinners almost ready. What are you carrying?
Keeper: A powered kaleidoscope. Turns by itself and projects its picture on the wall. Im tired of
this gloomy weather, and figure itll give us great, ever-changing images without having to go
outside. I cant wait to try it.
She: You are such a wonderful nut case. I never know what youre up to. Mostly, I love it, but
those vegetarian chicken legs were a little, wellunusual.
Keeper: Now, hold on. I still go to church every Sunday and play Scrabble. Im not totally
weird.
She: I wouldnt want you any other way. You do keep me surprised, though, and I sometimes
have a hard time explaining you to my friends. Ill never be able to predict you but life is so much
more interesting when youre around.
Trait Fourteen Keepers take good care of themselves
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Keepers do everything they can to stay mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. They not
only feel better, but can better face whatever comes their way. They hang out with people who
regenerate them, keep their minds active, and are deeply in love with the spiritual values that
sustain them through traumas. These are the partners you never have to remind to care for
themselves. They dont put that pressure on the people they love.
These Keepers dont press their views on others, but stand as models for the people they
treasure. You can easily recognize them by the quickness to their step, their ready smiles, the
twinkle in their eyes, and their sense of personal serenity. They are in touch, in every way.
Example:
He: You know, honey, Ive always teased you about your commitments to working out and
yoga gurus. Now that I look around, youre the most beautiful woman at every party we go to.
Youve had three kids and you look younger today than when I married you. I think Ive just been
jealous of your discipline and the way you just take care of things.
Keeper: I know that I take time out from you and the kids sometimes, but I want to be my best
for you guys and I know that Im better when I make sure Im okay. When your parents are
alcoholics, theres not much discipline or good food around. I just never wanted to be like them.
Its not easy, though. I have to re-commit every day, even when I feel discouraged.
He: I may complain sometimes, but I appreciate you. I think Im jealous sometimes, too. I know
I should care about myself better, even if its just for you and the kids. I wish youd push me
harder.
Keeper: I dont want to push you to do something you dont want to do. I know how hard you
work and how difficult it is to do what you do. I would love it if you took better care of yourself,but I also know thats your decision. I could tease you because I can run farther than you can.
Would that help?
He: Now youre getting serious. Do I have to meditate, too?
Keeper: (smiling) Only if you want to keep up. I can always push you around in your wheel chair
come day.
He: Okay, thats it. Youre disgustingly perfect, and effectively manipulative. Im on board.
Trait Fifteen Keepers treasure the present moment
Keepers plan for the future and learn from the past, but they are most invigorated by whatever
is happening in the present moment. By living more fully in the only real time that exists for
them, they are able to leave heartbreaks in the past, and use the future for possibilities.
When youre with a person who treasures the immediate moment, you will feel deeply
attended to. If you are in distress, those people notice immediately, stop whatever their doing,
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and ask you if youre okay, no matter what was going on before. If you smile, they will want to
know what is making you feel that way. If you cant find the words to express what youre
feeling, they reach out to meet you wherever you are. When these Keepers are with you, they
are only with you.
Example:
She: I just cant seem to let go of my past mistakes. I feel so responsible for the damage Ive
caused. I try to forget them, but my mind just wont let go. I keep thinking that something
terrible is going to happen and Im at fault. The saner part of me keeps fighting back and saying
it wasnt that bad, but it doesnt seem to hold.
Keeper: You are really being hard on yourself right now. I can feel your tears coming.
She: (Begins to cry) I know youre right, but I just cant seem to stop. Maybe it was all that
criticism I took in as a kid. I could never do anything right.
Keeper: (Takes her hand) Youre so sad. What is at the core of your sorrow?
She: Im afraid that if I keep messing up, Ill never deserve to be really loved.
Keeper: Honey, look at me. I love you, now, in the present. It doesnt matter what you ever did
in the past. I know what a wonderful person you are. Do you believe me?
She: (Looks into his eyes, wanting to believe him) Yes.
Keeper: Always remember. We only have this moment and, for us, that is what matters.