The Effects of Divorce on Children:

Common Feelings Affecting Children and Practical Coping Strategies for Parents

By Melinda Gilliland & Brittany Troy

"Children of divorce go through a process of seeing a relationship

they believed and trusted in, fall apart.5"

With a Divorce

Rate of 41%,

approximately 1.5 million children are

affected each year

5

Children may experience stress

from:

Change

Fear of Abandonment

Loss of Attachment

Hostility between Parents

A child may grieve

Phases of

Grief

First PhaseShock

Denial

Anger

Second Phase

Anxiety

Guilt

Bargaining

Depression

“Masked Depression”

Withdraw from activities

Regression to earlier developmental

stage

Become clingy and insecure

Loss of appetite

Sleep disturbances

Acceptance Phase

A natural process

Restoration of self-confidence

Age-Specific Reactions to

Divorce

(Ages 5-8) Fearful, Insecure, and Helpless

Sadness, Crying, and Feelings of Guilt and

Abandonment

Anger

Loneliness

Shock

Surprise

Fear

Reject one parent

AGES 9-12

An Adolescent’s Reaction to Divorce

Paternal and Self-Blame

Loss, Sadness, Anger, and Pain Acting-out

Behaviors and Aggression

All of these reactions are normal behavior.

It is important to acknowledge your child’s

feelings and help them to cope with divorce in a

positive way.

What can YOU do to help your child?Here are some

strategies to help YOU.

Practical Coping Strategies

Mutual parental support

Teamwork

Still a family (team), just redefined.

Clear, Flexible

Boundaries

High Information Exchange

Constructive Problem Solving

… and maintain KNOWLEDGABLE, experienced, INVOVLED and

authoritative parenting. 8

Choose YOUR actions and words wisely,

Your children learn from your behavior.

“The longer and more conflictual the legal proceedings, the worse the co-parental relationship in the view of both parents. 8”

Children need parental SUPPORT after the traumatic process of divorce…

Without it life can feel like a long road they are traveling

ALONE.

Where can YOU seek

support• Counselors

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)

• Family Nursing Collaborative

• Divorce Care: http://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup

• Divorce support: http://divorcesupport.meetup.com/

 

The internet provides an

easily accessible and

helpful community

network.

http://www.divorcedhappilyeverafter.com/

Divorced Happily Ever After

Click on the link below to visit the website

Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving

A blog to help parents of divorce learn to move past issues and communicate and interact with

their Ex in order to create a happy, healthy childhood for their kids. 3

SUPPORT FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Some helpful ideas…

Local support groups for kidsDivorceCare for Kids (DC4K)

http://www.dc4k.org/

“Help your child heal from the pain of

divorce. 2”

Groups across the US, Canada, the UK, New Zealand, Australia and

South Africa.

This group aims to help your children:• Learn to understand their feelings• Express their emotions appropriately• Feel better about themselves• Develop coping skills• Be introduced to biblical concepts that

will bring comfort

…or find other groups in your area online.

Visit their website:

The Promotion of Wellness In Children & FamiliesPromoting Resilience and Healthy

Developmental Trajectories “Children who blame themselves and have misconceptions or inaccurate attributions about the divorce have been shown to

have more difficulties.4”

“Preventive interventions that focus on building effective coping styles, clarifying misconceptions, framing realistic appraisals of control, and making accurate attributions for

parental problems have been shown to relate to better adjustment in school-aged children. 4”

Active coping that involves problem

solving and positive thinking predicted

lower depression in children and

alleviates the effects of stress on children’s conduct problems. 4

Children of Divorce Intervention Program (CODIP)Child-Focused Intervention

One child-focused intervention in an evidence based article is the Children of Divorce Intervention Program (CODIP), a preventative school-based intervention founded on “theories of the prevention of social and emotional difficulties and research on factors predicting risk and resilience in children in the aftermath of divorce. 4”

http://www.childrensinstitute.net/programs/codip

Please click on the link below to visit their website.

This is an award winning program since it’s development in 1982. The CODIP has helped thousands of children in countries around the world, including the United States, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia cope more effectively with parental divorce.

I- StatementsOne effective way to communicate a “problem”

with your child.This includes:1) A description of the unacceptable behavior.2) The feeling experienced by the parent.3) The real, concrete effect on the parent.

Example: “I feel angry when toys are left on the floor because someone could trip on them.”

I-statements are more effective than you-statements, which tend to create distance between the parent and child, places blame on others, and usually create defensiveness and resistance.

Benefits of using I-statements compared to you-statements:• More specific.• Focus attention on problems rather than personalities. • Simple concept that children can understand.• Expresses a warmer and more accepting type of concern for

those perceived as the creator of the problem.• Creates less defensiveness and resistance.• Helps to locate the problem inside the person making the

statement.• Tends to move a family toward healthy problem solving

processes.

“I-statements are less-apt to provoke resistance and rebellion and they are less threatening. 1”

YOU can make a difference

in your child’s life.Talk to your kids.Be honest,Be positive,Be caring,

& ensure your child has a happy, healthy

life.

Thank you for watching!

References

1. Burr, W. R. (1990). Beyond I-Statements in Family Communication. Family Relations , Vol.

39, No. 3, pp. 266-273.

2. DivorceCare for Kids (2013,April 23). Retrieved from http://www.dc4k.org/

3. Marlene Clay (2013, April 23). Divorce Happily Ever After. Retrieved from

http://www.divorcedhappilyeverafter.com/

4. Pedro-Carroll, J. (2001). The promotion of wellness in children and families: Challenges

and opportunities. American Psychologist, 56(11), 993-1004. doi:10.1037/0003-

066X.56.11.993

5. Stambaugh, S. E., Hector, M. A., & Carr, A. R. (2011). How I Remember My Parents'

Divorce: A Phenomenological Investigation. Issues In Mental Health

Nursing, 32(2), 121-130.

doi:http://dx.doi.org.libproxy.unh.edu/10.3109/01612840.2010.531520

6. Warner, H. L., Mahoney, A., & Krumrei, E. J. (2009). When parents break sacred vows:

The role of spiritual appraisals, coping, and struggles in young adults’

adjustment to parental divorce. Psychology Of Religion And Spirituality, 1(4), 233-

248. doi:10.1037/a0016787

7. Weston, F. (2009). Effects of divorce or parental separation on children. British

School of Nursing, 4(5), 237-243. CINAHL Plus with Full Text

8. Wright, L. & Leahey, M. (2005). Nurses and Families: A Guide to Family

Assessment and Intervention. Philadelphia: F.A. Davis Company