The Passion Paradox: Helping Couples Celebrate Difference

Pat Love, Ed.D.www.patlove.com

Based on the book

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT

WHY WOMEN TALK AND MEN WALK

By

Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

#1Question:Can you really love an other?

#2Feelings of worth can only flourish…in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere

that is found in a nurturing family. Virginia Satir

#3Quick passion killerAbandon yourself Become predictableGive up learningDiscard discovery

New love is inherently passionate #4 Dedicated to discovery Alive and open to new experiences

#5But from the beginning we begin to mold each other… “You won’t believe how alike we are!”

#6When you “already know me…” It’s easier to ignore me.

#7It is not our differences that divide us…It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.Audre Lorde

#8Research fact: Men are taller than women.

In the 20th century#9

“Don’t go there”Genetic deterministSexistEquated difference with deficient

Diversity strengthens#10

Our speciesOur culture

#11Honoring difference…

Reduces the dichotomyMaligning or denying

differenceStrengthens it

#12When you are aware of varied innate impulses

You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication.

The key is connection#13

When people are connected— They communicate

effectively Are more productive Are healthier Happier

Testosterone #14

Has been shown to decrease talking

Decrease interest in socializingExcept for sportsSexual pursuit

#15Do you know the difference between the

MNSTPJ?

#16Sex can do for the testosterone dominantWhat intimate talking does for the

estrogen dominate

#17Men are programmed toProvide ProtectPlease

The typical male apology#18

Works not words.

The Great Male Dread#19

Failure as a: Protector Provider Lover Family man

Most of his emotional energy goes to avoiding this kind of shame

Anger, which numbs#20

Is effective in alleviating shame

#21Emotional and psychological withdrawal

Avoid shame pain

Women are programmed#22

To tend befriendmend

Primary Female Dread#23

Fear of:

Harm Isolation Deprivation

The female brain#24

Outstanding verbal agilityAbility to connect deeply in friendshipsHeightened capacity to read faces,

emotionsAbility to diffuse conflictMemory for relational details

Difference:#25

Boys nurture with aggression

Girls are aggressive with their nurturing.

Women falling in love say#26

I felt: Safe, securePartner was interested in mePartner was generous (within means)Easy to be with

When a woman feels fear#27

She wants to move closer

When a man feels shame #28

He wants to move away

Question for men:#29

Does this make me feel valued and esteemed?

Or look weak, lose status or feel like a failure?

Question for women:#30

Will this make me feel valued, safe and connected?

Or afraid or isolated?

Only compassion#31

For the others’ vulnerabilities improve relationships and form lasting connections

#32Humans survived through cooperation of the sexes

Cooperation requires#33

Respect for differences

#34Contact and understanding lower fearAlleviates fear

pain

#35#1 cause for divorce and/or separation…Disconnection#1 cause of disconnection is resentment#1 cause of resentment is withdrawal of

interest

When you are aware of your partner’s vulnerability

#36You can improve your connection Improve your communicationCreate love beyond words