ud men issue 2
TRANSCRIPT
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UD MENMan of the Week:
Patrick Brehany
g. 20
Also in This Edition:
Fracking in North Dakota
Gunter Barber on Cigars
Joe Mazza on Batman BeginsWeekly Advice on Women
Room of the Week
And David Ready on a Camel!!!!
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About UD Men:
Two weeks ago I had a hamburger in my pocket
and the guy standing next to me kept making
strange faces due to the hamburger's odor. In
my mind I decided, Pung a hamburger in your
pocket if you don't have deodorant on is a great
p for a mens magazine, possibly a UD mens
magazine. That second the UD Men's magazine
came to be.
- Ra Bernardo
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Contents
Man of the Week: Patrick Brehany | Page 20
Arcles
TreasureQuest 9
Fracking in North Dakota 11
An Ode to Luke Stearns 15
The Couch 18
Departments
From the Editor 4
Man Quotes and Tips 6
Student Arcles 8
Hairstyles14
Weekly John Owen 23
Room of the Week 24
Food27
Advice on Women 28
Alumni Corner30
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From the Editors
Apologies
I want to preemptively apologize for thecontroversy we had caused in Issue 4 of themen's magazine. It wasn't my fault. Thereason I know there will be a controversy is
because I snuck into Joe Quinlan's room andfound an actual time machine he had madefor TreasureQuest. Again, it wasn't my fault.
*Revision: I went back into the time machinefor a second time to see exactly what went
wrong. It was my fault and I sincerelyapologize for it.
A Plea for Help
We are desperate. We need your input, andcontributions (of articles) to continue. It's theUD men who make this magazine. We just
put it together.
Special Thanks
A special thanks to everybody whocontributed. A special thanks to our parentsfor borning them and making them able tomake articles. A special thanks to theirgrandparents and great grandparents or
borning them. A special thanks to Adam andEve for borning their great great great great
great great great great great great great greatgrandparents. A special no thanks to Eve foreating the fruit. Now we can't be nakedanymore (cut out that last sentence, Will)
Check out those abs, possible future
employers.
- Ra Bernardo, Big Boss
Greetings
Whats up, every-
one? Im excited
about coming on
board and making
this the most kick-
ass magazine ever
written.
Boomshakalaka.
- William Hegedusich, Registered
Badass
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Comments on the Last Issue
Your spelling sucks!
Your formatting sucks!
Rafis Reply:
We'll do better for next time.
Sorry Mike Deluca about messing
up your name. Also, Will
Hegedusich has come on board as
our main editor and layout dude.
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Man Quotes and Tips
Sometimes you win. Sometimes you
lose but it doesn't matter, as long as yousteal the trophy."
-Joe Di Lucca
Whenever life is being difficult and has
you feeling down, just say 'Fuck it,
dude,' and go bowling."-David Ready
Be a man, stand tall and everybody will
look up to you".-Zach Anderson.
Malt liquor might not be worth it."-Bob Long
Call me anything you want, but don'tcall me late for supper."
-Mike Something
Inside of every person is a little person
exactly like them, controlling everything
they do".-
Andrew Rosenbloom
Nope, nothing. [I dont have any
quotes].-Michael Wadle
Keep is greasy.-Fanizza
When it comes to sports, my mother
gave birth to a winner. Thats why I haveto win.-Salvator Caputi
Can I get a ride to Walmart?-Every Freshman, some sophomores and a
very lonely senior
Real food, real friends?-
Anonymous
Tip: It' s much cheaper to buy PopTarts in the Bookstore than in the Rat.
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This Week in Pictures
The UD newspaper had Joe Kaiser on a Camel. Ladies,
say hello to our guy on a camel, David Ready.
Frisbee Golf. Taken from http://articles.catchitkansas.com/2008 -06-25/
disc-golf_24083195
Last weeks Man of the Week giving his thesis presen-
tation on the mind of the genius.
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Andrew Rosenbloom performing at Capp House
The Stillwater Hobos playing
during TGIT
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Student Articles
The Art of Buying
Cigars
- Gunter Barber
The best stuff is Cuban seed.You cant go wrong with DominicanRomeo and Juliets. Theyre all good.They got light and dark wrappers. They
are owned by the same family thatowned the Cuban Romeo and Julietcompany before the revolution in Cuba.
The only way to find out what you likeis to try out different cigars. Keep yourlabels so you can know what you likeand can keep buying it.If you like a
brand research it and maybe you canfind similar quality goods based on thatinfo.
Gunter Barber has been smoking cigars
since freshman year.A Movie That Every
Man Should Watch:
Batman Begins-Joseph Mazza
Although often overlooked as "thatmovie before The Dark Knight," Batman
Begins is a masterpiece unto itself,
telling the story of a good mansacrificing his own privileged life inorder to save a corrupt, sinful city. Justas in Hamlet, the sudden death ofBruce's father impels him to revenge.However, Bruce finds himself capable of
a higher form of justice,one which realizes thatmercy is what separatesgood from evil, and thatthis inspirationalsymbol of true justice ismore powerful than oneman can ever be. Theperseverance, fortitude,and self-sacrifice of thisman, who does good
without any hope of a reward and isinstead guaranteed suffering andhardship, is a powerful reminder of whatit means to truly be a good man. Byforsaking his own earthly pleasures anddedicating his life to helping others,Batman is the modern world's St. FrancisXavier (if he didn't hang out with
animals so much and instead fought badguys). I'd rather watch Batman.
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TreasureQuestTreasureQuest took place last weekend. Most people are now
wondering what Joe Quinlan be doing with his time from now on.We sat down with Joe to ask him a few questions.
UDM:What IS TreasureQuest?JQ: Only the worlds most ridiculous
treasure hunt.UDM: How many hours have you spent
on all TreasureQuest-
related acvies?
JQ: Way too many.
UDM: Joe, what are you going to do
with your life now that TreasureQuest is
done?
JQ: Release a Raccoon Jay album and
start working on the next
TreasureQuest. The last chapter for this
TreasureQuest trilogy is Spring 2014.
It's already wrien and ready to be
made a reality.
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A week ago, a survey question asked what you would do with a $30 million
donation to UD. Last week's newspaper article posed the question of what UD
would do if it had a $50 million donation.
We asked, If you had $50 million to spend for UD, how would
you spend it?
Tear down Carpenter.
-Tom Janik
"I'd invest in a nicer church."
-Louis Hannigan
A lecture series with great actors.
-Paul Fojut
Id buy a huge groundhog statue.
-Dan Schmidt
A new church."
- Edgar (David's brother)
Gormet shrimp and guacamole in the
cafeteria every day.
-JudeGalbraith
Id establish a horticulture program so
we could be self sufficient and grow our
own vegetables. I'd put some money to
offset tuition prices. Finally, I'd move the
Rome campus from Due Santi to high-
end real estate in the middle of Rome"-Anonymous
I'd donate to a music and digital art
program. I'd also donate to a class for
social skills, manners, public speaking in
addition to putting more money into
stock and inventory to make bookstore
prices not so high."
-Logan Thompson
Id take out a loan to discreetly
purchase $200 million of land outside of
UD. Either that or purchase a lot and
build a skyscaper. That way we can
have a bigger tower."-Raphael Bernardo
Build a new church. I'd put the old one
in a museum and put a beautiful one in
its place. I'd spend the rest on kegs
-Joe Giollombardo
You know how the New Hall is in the
shape of a U? We should build a
building of new student apartments in
the shape of a D right next to it. That
way Google earth will be advertising for
us Also, I'd probably make some kind of
endowment to lower tuition."
-Henry Lowe
2 or 3 new buildings, and make a newscience building. I'd donate a lot
towards the computer science program
and computer lab. New dorms and office
space would be good too. The labs are
too small and we don't have money to do
research in the science programs.
-Brian
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F ra ckin g
in
8 Months of Labor in Dickenson, North Dakota
An interview with Will Teller, a Senior English major, who lived in NorthDakota for 8 months working in the oil fracking business with 4 other UD
students.
- by Rafi Bernardo
I had maybe 10-15 days o....We got paid $20
per hour...
How did you end up in North
Dakota?
The summer after my sophomore year afriend told me he would hook us up witha job. I only planned to stay for thesummer (ended up staying for 8months). When I got there the job didnot exist and we (Michael Falconer,
James Cory, Michael and Brandon
McMahan) did not have a place to stay.After spending a day at the Pizza Ranch(a local restaurant) we found a placewith my friend's friends. The five of us
stayed in one room.
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Then what happened?
We spent the next week applying forjobs. We eventually met a guy at a barwho connected us with a job the follow-ing day. That helped us find a place to
stay because proof of income is neededto get an apartment. The apartment was$2100 for a bedroom and bath. Ten peo-
ple including the UD group split rent.
How much did you get paid?
We got paid $20/hour. After overtime$30/hr. The average paycheck was$2000-3000 every two week. We workedan average of 85 hours a week (reallydepends on the task assigned). Unfortu-nately they probably don't pay as well
today.
What did you do?
I worked for a company called WesternPump and Dredge. In short, fracking is
when you use water pressure to force theoil in shale rock underground to comeout. It involves drilling holes and a lot ofpipes. My job had to do with managingthe water needed to frack. Sometimes Idid maintenance on the water tanks, oth-er times I drove a few hours away, satnear a water pump and checked every 30
minutes that it did not run out of gas.Those shifts were usually 12 hours long.
Tell me about the town you
lived in.
The town's name is Dickenson, NorthDakota. There is a pretty big Catholiccommunity (three Catholic Churches
there) and there is a large Russian com-munity. The town was about 6 blockswide and there were 8 bars, 9 liquorstores, and a lot of black jack playing.Our first day there we saw people lose
$500 at a time on blackjack.
How were the people like
there?
In the company I worked ages rangedfrom 18 to 60. Half of the peopleworked to send money to the families.The other half did not know what to dowith their lives. They stayed because
they made really good money. Somepeople said they would stay for 6 monthsbut ended up there for 3 years becausethey enjoyed the pay. Some stayed be-cause they spent most of their money onbars and maybe a car or two. Otherscame to save up for something. One hadbeen saving up to go to a safari in Afri-
ca. He lived out of his van in Walmart.
Any crazy things happen while
you were there?
There was no application process to get-ting the job. All you needed was to passa drug test. One guy overslept duringhis shift of watching the water pump and
the whole pipe froze solid. they openedit and the residual water froze on thepump. After causing $100k of damage
he got fired and that's it..
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Any interesting people you
worked with?
One guy had been in prison for 6 years,really big. He had $50k buried in Cali-fornia and he could not dig it up because
it was on his ex-wifes brothers land
and they swore they would shoot him.
You get a lot of free time? Otherwise,
any stories about work?
I had maybe 10-15 days off. Emptying
ponds would take a long time. We werein the middle of nowhere too. Often we'dhave to drive 4 hours out. It's not sad, orreally miserable. It just got really, reallydull because nothing to do. here were alot of good memories too. Sometimeswe'd get to work with really cool people.A co-worker and I sat in a truck watch-ing water tanks for 8 hours and just talk-
ing. We had some great conversations.
Looking y, and giving zero fucks. What lady wouldnt want a piece of this?
Did we menon
hes athlec AND
musically talented?
I mean seriously,
what CANT he do?
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An Odeto Luke StearnsBy Donovan Kelly
We miss you, brah.
Dear Readers,
I would like to ad-dress a serious loss of oursand express thanks to oneman, who although he nolonger attends the Universi-ty of Dallas, represents the
best of all of us: LukeStearns. Luke Stearns, alsoknown by some asPrincess, is a most manlyman who embodies many ofthe highest ideals which westrive for here at UD. Jim-my OToole commented,smilingly, Luke Stearns isa manly man while maintaining his beauty rest for his princess mentality.
Luke is from a po-dunk town in Louisiana (sorry for the redundancy, there really are not
any non hick towns in Louisiana), and was a pre-med science major at UD. He attended UDfor three semesters, the last of which was Fall 2012 in Rome. He is now attending University
of Louisiana Lafayette for engineering.Luke is most remembered for his great
personality, joviality, endearing smile, andundying fidelity. In Rome, he earned theRome Award. For those of you who donot know what this award is, the Rome
award is given to the student that best rep-resents the spirit of the Rome semester.Luke is by far the best man for this award.Luke never failed to help brighten upthose people who were feeling down. WillRemmes recalled, Luke was always therefor you. He had an endless supply of ciga-rettes and great advice. He explored Eu-rope and Rome enthusiastically and never
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failed to tell the best stories about his experiences.My favorite experience with Luke was the long weekend we spent in Santander, Spain.
Luke, I, and three others found the cheapest flight on RyanAir to the most beautiful destina-tion possible and simply got upand went. It was by far one of themost amazing experiences I haveever had. Luke sought out Span-iards and used his ability tospeak in tongues, especiallywhen he raised his voice, to getus out of sticky situations. ErinJones described, Luke thoughtthey would understand him if herepeated what he said but louderand more slowly. He foundcheap Chinese stores where the
coolest gadgets are sold at themost ridiculously cheap prices.Many a beer was had over deep,engaging philosophical conver-sation. There was no pressure to find things to do, the world was in front of us, and we had agreat time.
Luke came to be well known among the sophomore fall Roma class as an outstanding,outgoing, hilarious, generous- hearted man. Katie Davern remembers Luke for being like ablack bear because he ambles also adding that Luke is SO funny. Laura Prejan found ithard to describe Luke, asserting, I dont think theres a word. There is no one word which en-capsulates all of Luke Stearns. We are all glad to have shared this experience and it has beenhard to continue without him. The females, especially, have found the loss of Luke Stearns es-
pecially hard, as Brigid Callahan described how the absence of Luke Stearns has led to a de-crease in marginal attractiveness of men at UD, saying, the average has definitely decreasedand it [finding men as attractive as Luke] has been hard. This same struggle has been af-firmed by numerous UD women, such as Katie Davern, Katie Hand, Cossette Kulda, andmany more, as they miss Luke Stearns expertise (he is a professor at a school devoted to help-
ing men learn how to court women) in huntingwomen. Here is to you, Luke, thanks, and we
wish you the best in all of your endeavors. Wewill never forget you, and we hope you can keepthe great memories, friendships, and virtues ofUD with you at all times.
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Quotes about Luke
The loss of Luke Stearns, the mostdesirable man on campus, is like los-
ing smoking and the Capp Bar on
the same day.
Crocodile Hunter died so Luke
Stearns became alligator hunter.
This beautiful and inspiring hunk ofa man is the only one who could in-
spire anarchy in a helmet.
I went through the Louvre and he's
the most beautiful thing I saw.
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The Couch
Disclaimer: This majority of this and the last issue of the magazine have been worked on at The Couch.
Pickup Line: Are you Ouzo? Be-
cause [Point at shirt]The Couch is a place for studying, and NOTHING ELSE, despite
popular belief.
Dont mess with The Couch.
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A rare occurrence of three gingers sing next to each other.
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Man of the Week:
PatrickBrehanyPatrick Brehany is a senior philosophy major from Iowa. Last Saturday he presented his thesis on Guy
Pearce. Brehany is the Vice President of SG, is airborn qualified (went to paratrooper training as part of
ROTC) and will receive training in the Armoured Branch (commanding tanks) later this year.
Patrick is great with kids
- by Ra Bernardo
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Tell me about yourself."This guy's harder to take down than a stampeding army ofdrunk armored mutant rhinos on PCP and can absorb moredamage than a titanium-reinforced rocket-proof concretewall built by Satan."
-Anonymous.That quote would describe me.
Whats something most people dont know
about you?I have lived in DC, Missouri Salem Oregon, St. LouisMissouri, Sioux City Iowa, Missouri. I enjoy not wearingshirts andI enjoy pec dancing, too.
What do you like to read?My favorite book is Harold and the Purple Crayon. Calvin and Hobbes is great too. I like reading Guy Pearcetoo.
What Kind of Music Do you Listen to?Deep philosophical rap.
Where do you see yourself in Ten Years?In ten years I see myself as a rich former army captain withhis own business.
Free time. Tell me about it.I dont have much free time. When I do I like to make
delicious mixed drinks. I always look for fun things to do inDallas. I just passed by the Riplys believe it or not museumin Dallas. Im going to try to sky dive by the end of theyear. Fun fact: over spring break I chased seagulls on jetskis.
Got a story of something
difficult you did?The summer after freshman year Ispent three weeks training inArmy Airborn school. In thestifling heat of Georgia wetrained each day. Ultimately Idid five jumps. Some withequipment some withoutequipment and one at night.
Getting ready we'd get suited up.They'd check our parachute, andwe'd sit and wait. We could notsleep or even close our eyes. Thelongest I waited was 9 hours.
Patrick is good with old people[At Auddie Murphy's Grave doing volunteer work]
Patrick is good with presidents
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What's one of the hardest things you've done?Convince the georgeous Emma Langley to date me.
Any man to man advice?Here's a quote I like: It's not just having the will to win, everyonehas that. You must have the will to prep. For victory.
Quote About Patrick
"Patrick Brehany thinks deep thoughts every day"
Patrick is good with animals
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The Weekly John Owen
Whats John up to this week?
Dancing to The Sinner byMemphis May Fire
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Room of the Week
The Suit (Rack)
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My ex girlfriend got me this calendar.
We haven't changed the date becausewe like to look at Pam from the office.It's been October for two years now.
Thanks PamChristian
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Look. A girl in the room and the door isn't bolted.Get it. Ahahahahaha, ROFL, hahaha, lol lol.
There are no door bolts in the new hall.
Hehshshahahahah. Hahah. Hahah. Hahaha.Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaa.
Chrisans Commentary
-"Me and Zach Anderson are from Wiscawnsin. And Zack Wellwerts is from Illinois.
We're having a constant Bears-Packers Bale."
- The goal was to have no wall space.
- Flags: $1 Each online
- Craigslist couch: $30
- Chrismas lights: My dad did not like them so free.
Zachs Commentary
- Chrisan Gontarz is an ass
- I'm a lile piggy. Here's my snout. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink.
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Food
The only person in UD who
eats Ramen raw.
The average college student's trash
can
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Advice on Women
On asking to formal: " Be confident. Bestraightforward. Be respectful"
-Logan Thompson
More plates, more dates -Matthew Keating
Tip: Dont ask anyone to formal thr oughtext or email.
-Love is irrational, just like certain numbers.
Reprint from School Newspaper Lat YearRafiBernardo and Raphael Slattery offer tips on
how to ask a girl to Spring Formal.
1. Do your research. Find out if shes goingwith somebody else. Otherwise use hints suchas, Are you doing anything next week? Are you going to the Spring Formal? orDo you want to go to the Spring Formal withsomebody in this perimeter?
2. Ask her when shes not around many people
so she isnt embarrassed that you asked her, orso people dont judge her if she says no.
3. If a girl asks you to go with a friend of hers,ask if her friend can go with a friend of yours.
4. Dont ask multiple girls at the same time.
5. Dont go with multiple girls at the sametime.
6. When she says yes, run down the mall,
jump and hit a tree like in the movie LaBamba.
Secrets to Standing Out
by Logan Thompson
-Don't be afraid to dress differently. Girlsnotice variety.
-Walk with a purpose. Don't slouch.
-
Express yourself. Don't just blend into yourgroup.
-Flirting is an art. Learn to be subtle buteffective.
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"Usually nobody asks the really
attractive girls because we assume
they already have dates."
Advice
On Dancing: " Somebody's got to lead,somebody's got to follow. It's alright to talkwhile dancing. Just go with the flow."
-Matt Wiscowski
On talking to girls:...Don't-Vandal
Don't ask her to marry you until you know
her name.
-Franco DeCandio
Pickup LinesHey! Who put cupid there?What do a polar bear and you have incommon? They break the ice.
On a scale from 1-10 youd be a seven. Itsthe Hebrew number for perfection.
Why are you tanning? I like you the way youare.If love were chocolate, youd be a candy bar.You are one in seven billion. Im blessed to beable to talk to you.
You make me not want to be a seminarian.Dang girl, did I break the law? Because whenI looked at you, all I saw was a fine.
-by Rafi Bernardo and Rafe Slattery
If beauty were time you'd be eternity-Too good to be from a UD guy
If my nose were running money I'd blow it allon you.
-?
Hey there. So I bet my friends 50 bucks that Icould talk to the most beautiful woman here.Wanna get drinks with their money?
-Anonymous
"I own that block over there. It's agovernment building and I paytaxes"
-Anonymous
"'Make me a sandwich is not a good pickpickup line."
- Mike McCullen
I just checked my weather report. 100%chance of seeing you again.
-Sean Byers
Analysis of Sean Byer's Pickup Line
This is an interesting pickupline. It must mean thatyour weather report says you will see her again, andthat based on the report you are likely to see her sometime in the future whether in one day, a week or sometime in the 9 day. Not month because month reportsare not accurate. The pickup line is a little confusingbecause I could not find an app on the iPhone orAndroid phone that does this. How is it possible for
him to see her again if no weather report exists in thefirst place? Even if a weather report did exist weatherreports do not talk about seeing women again.. Thatwould be messed up if weather reports did becausethat would mean we would need many people withcameras, and phones, and google maps finding outinformation about every single woman. (Also wouldthe weather report say if she has a boyfriend or not?Aristotle help me, isn't it unethical to talk to a womanwith a boyfriend? Is it ethical to talk to women whenyou gave up talking to women for lent? While we're at
it what are the ethics of making a report that trackswomen?). This is terrible for women. Imagine ifsomebody texted to ask where you will be at 8:00pmfor example, and then uploaded that information ontoan online database. I give this pickup line a 1/5 on ascale that has both pounds and kilograms. It is a realshame our society has come to a point that evenpickuplines lack privacy. Peace. Piece. Can I have apeace of that McChicken?
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Alumni Corner
"After about a week in the working world, you realize how bad most people are atmost things."
- Johnny Lappe
UD people tend to be averse to self-help books. Ihave found that, though I'd muchrather read the Summa on my spare time, reading books like "The Seven Habits ofHighly Effective People," "The One Minute Manager," "Flow, The Psychology
of Optimal Experience," and, yes, even books about how to socialize, has made me
able to learn much about myself and how the professional world works. Being worldlymeans being in the world but not of it; an effective life dedicated to others in theprofessional life means to understand others as they are, not as they should be. Many
of those books have been the gateway to that understanding.
- Juan Antonio Solares
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Classifieds
Hey. Buy your SpringFormal ckets. Ticket
sales end on the 11th.
Abby Bagby cuts hair.$10.00 a haircut, on cam-
pus.
Need a sandwich?Contact Kae
Hand: (316-841-
8039)
Morgan Culbin, whoare you and where can
we nd you? In last
year's April Fools Day
edion we saw some
of the best pickuplines
we had ever seen. We
are in need of your
help
Looking for somebody
who wants a book
about them. It will be
a short book about a
story that took place
in your life both in
print and electronic
form.-Ra Bernardo
Freshclean, LLC
A Student-Run
Cleaning Service
freshcleanLLC.com
The Sllwater Hobos
are running a Kick-
starter Campaign. Find
them on Facebook
and help them out!
Got good pickup lines?
Contact the editors of
the magazine to be a
part of our new text
pickup line service,
coming next week.
More info soon.
Hi, Im Paco, and
Im single!
Post to
facebook.com/
udclassieds to put
classieds above
Outside companies
are welcome to ad-
verse here as well
for a small fee