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Sports THE COLLEGIAN : 214 APRIL 2014

In 2010 Tulsa got a brand-new baseball stadium right in the middle of downtown. It is home to the Tulsa Drillers, the double-

Rockies, and is one of only two sources of professional baseball in Oklahoma. If you’ve lived here for long, you’ve surely heard of it. Maybe you’ve even attended a game or two. What might surprise you about our little minor league baseball stadium is its number one fan: PETA.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is widely known as the U.S. animal rights group, and it seems like they’re typically unhappy about a lot of things. So what have caused them to be such a fan of ONEOK Field?

Our vegetarian options! Ac-cording to a list published by PETA annually, ONEOK Field is “The Number One Most Vegetar-ian Friendly Ballpark of 2013.”

This might seem like a bit of surprise here in Oklahoma. It was thanks to an organization known as Veggie Happy that ONEOK of-fers so many vegetarian and vegan options. The group was founded in 2000 to advocate for veggie dogs as an alternative to hot dogs at Major League Ballparks. Since its founding, Veggie Happy has

helped to bring vegetarian options to almost all MLB ballparks, as well as many NFL stadiums (and the Super Bowl!). This has spread to minor league parks as well, and the Drillers’ Stadium was one of them.

In 2012, ONEOK Field ranked 5th on Peta’s list of top vegetarian-friendly minor league ballparks, and last year made the jump to

-clude specialty veggie dogs, veg-gie burgers, tofu noodle entrees, portobello mushroom burgers, bean burritos and tofu burritos. They also fry their french fries in vegetable oil, in a fryer separate from those used for meat.

So if you’re vegetarian or vegan and like baseball, ONEOK Field is the place for you!

AMY JO BUNSELMEYERCopy Editor

Drillers’ stadium vegetarian friendly

Football back in actionWednesday April 16

W. Tennis Tournament Norfolk, Va. All Day

Thursday April 17


M. Tennis Tournament All Day

Track Mt. Relays Walnut, All Day

Friday April 18Softball vs UTSA San Antonio, Texas 2 p.m.Softball vs UTSA San Antonio, Texas 4 p.m.

M. Soccer vs ORU Hurricane Stadium 6:30 p.m.




Saturday April 19Softball vs UTSA San Antonio, Texas 1 p.m.

W. Soccer vs Southwest Baptist Hurricane Stadium 2 p.m.




TrackMichael Johnson Waco, Texas All Day

RowingLawless vs SMU & Okla. TBA

Sunday April 20



Monday April 21

W. Golf Gulf Shores, Ala. All Day

When -

ing the 13 signatory states together into a ragtag, amateur association with each other, they did so with the explicit understanding that the nation would exist primarily and solely for the purpose of ensuring the wide-spread play, from sea to shining sea, of the game of baseball.

Baseball served as the main form of di-plomacy between the relatively independent

-

into teams along state lines, with the future of the contested legislation on the line. In addition, the statesmen would hold a yearly

Articles; the winner of this tournament won the right to nominate one player to serve as

-gress Assembled for one year.

This merit-based system of governance continued for eight years of blissful gentle-men’s competition until the Great Winter of

away their bats for the season, they could not have foreseen the degree to which the game they had formerly known as baseball, the most American of America’s pastimes, would be perverted by the installation of the

squandering elitists who have turned the game into an obscene, commercialized force of pseudo-American middle-class escapism.

Baseball teams as they exist today are hollow shells of their congressional prede-

greats like Thomas “Uncommon Stance” Paine and John “The Signature” Hancock battled over, today’s competition no longer means anything, as there is nothing but a

lackluster pennant and a frankly disappoint-ing trophy on the line for the victor at the end of the season.

the celebration of the winning team after the World Series—drenching the locker room in champagne and whooping maniacally while dozens of cameras capture the seemingly spontaneous excitement. This is nothing less than a pompous display of wealth and power that would be spit in the eyes of the fathers of the game.

Baseball has been divorced from politics, and as it retreats into its bubble of opulent

play and turns its back on policy, it also shamefully neglects the people who keep alive the ethos that birthed the game three centuries ago: those children in the backyard with a branch, a pinecone and four dinner plates, who represent most highly the brand of sportsmanship that allowed America to run its grand experiment of democracy for eight glorious years through fair competi-tion and merit-based governance.

The game as it exists today is dead. Base-ball—if it can still be called baseball—isn’t real.

If you are a baseball fan, you have more than likely encountered MLB’s aggravating blackout restrictions. For instance, Tulsa is in a region that is unable to access live broadcasts of Texas Rangers, Houston As-

Royals games, which is disappointing to those who enjoy baseball and hail from Texas, Oklahoma or Missouri, like myself (go Royals!).

It does not matter to MLB whether teams play at home or away; you can’t watch games live because Tulsa is considered to be too geographically close to teams from these states, or within “home television ter-ritories.” However, as team supporters have undoubtedly discovered by this point, most “home television” networks are not usually broadcast in Tulsa, except for when Rang-

ers games are picked up from Fox Sports Southwest, which leaves us in the dark—hence the term “blackout.” Not very pleas-ant, is it?

However, there are ways—some of them

so that you can cheer on your team on game-day. Besides making the four-plus-hour drive to watch home games at the stadium, you can pay to either listen to live radio broadcasts or watch video feeds of games.

Yes, I said “pay.” Unfortunately, MLB es-sentially hijacks all audio and video content produced at MLB games, and gaining legal access to this MLB-owned material requires payment of some sort. Sometimes, one may

feed of a game, undoubtedly hosted on the internet by some kind soul who understands the pain of poor college students living in blackout regions, but let’s discuss your of-

For non-fanatic fans that can content themselves with only audio, Gameday Au-dio is the best option. The ideal way to ac-cess this is to download the MLB At Bat app

for iPhone or Android, create an account, buy Gameday Audio for $20, enabling you to listen to all radio feeds of home and away games all season, both on your phone and computer or other devices.

No blackouts apply, so I’d bet lots of Io-wan baseball fans use this option, as their state is blacked out for more teams than

Gameday Audio on your phone to have mo-bile and computer access; the online pack-age doesn’t include app access!

For fans who absolutely require video -

though it’s more expensive at $110 or $130 per year, or $20 or $25 monthly, for stan-dard or Premium, respectively, MLB does try its best to make it worth it. The standard subscription to MLB.TV, which you can buy only on your computer, includes live, commercial-free video broadcasts of all home games for teams that are not blacked out in your region. With Premium access, you gain video streams of both home and away games for those teams, and these feeds are accessible on your phone as well, as the MLB At Bat app supports MLB.TV Pre-mium.

Make note that audio streams are includ-ed in both MLB.TV purchases, so if you’re going to invest in MLB.TV, you won’t have to pay extra to listen to Gameday Audio on your phone or computer. Subscribers to MLB.TV do receive video of full games played by their region’s blacked-out teams,

-sion of the game, once they are considered archived.

The news I have for my fellow penny-pinching baseball fans isn’t exactly uplift-ing, but you may be pleased to learn that MLB offers a full video stream every day as their Free Game of the Day, so you can get at least a daily taste of the game you love (although perhaps not your favorite or home team) without emptying your pockets.

Also, since the MLB only mandates

global readers should be happy to know that due to their international IP addresses, they can watch MLB games to their heart’s con-tent without having to pay a cent. With all of this in mind, I wish you the best of luck in deciding how you’ll watch America’s Pas-time this summer!

SportsTHE COLLEGIAN : 3 14 APRIL 2014

Longtime MLBer Jeff Francoeur, having signed a minor-league contract with the San Diego Padres after spring training, was rel-

has adjusted well, befriending a deaf team-mate—with one minor catch. The player, pitcher Jorge Reyes, pretended to be deaf for an entire month, with the help of his teammates and even his wife. Everyone, ex-cept Francoeur, was in on the joke.

Reyes and his conspirators convinced Francoeur that he communicated solely by reading lips and “hand signals,” some bastardized, caveman variation of sign lan-

prank in a Youtube video appropriately named “On Jeff Ears,” playing on Fran-coeur’s notoriously poor observational skills.

Thankfully, Francoeur has been blessed with enough athleticism to be a professional athlete. Francoeur’s mother thanks God ev-

In “the land of the free and the home of the brave[s],” the Atlanta Braves kicked off their home opener festivities with a bar-

ballpark. However, in a coincidental sense of justice from a team named after Native

from “the rockets’ red glare.” Despite the

victorious like a screaming bald-headed

ol’ U. S. of A. and its favorite pastime.

-lon knows how to celebrate. Having won

share of success. He’s also had more than his fair share of donuts. Performance-en-hancing drug (PED) users, such as Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, bulked up as they combined their use with rigorous weight-lifting.

--

center of gravity, increased funniness, etc. -

ebrated in the dugout by jiggling his tummy.

like the Pillsbury doughboy.

When water drips down a concrete wall un-der an overpass, forming a water stain that vaguely resembles the Virgin Mary, some claim it is a miracle, while others dismiss it as water under the bridge. Northern Irish-man Rob Price can most likely be placed among the believers.

The man spotted golfer Rory McIlroy’s face, illustrated by the random arrangement of cinnamon on the bottom of a cinnamon roll. In the tradition of Socrates and Aristot-le, the man logically deduced that he should bet roughly $1,600 on McIlroy.

Unfortunately for Price and clairvoyant

below par to win his second green jacket.

JESSE KEIPPStaff Writer

SARA DOUGLASStudent Writer

Baseball fans need MLB.TV

News and Notes

“Why did Danny leave us?”

Baseball is not real

WILL BOOGERTCopy Editor

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[email protected]

NEWS THE COLLEGIAN : 414 APRIL 2014

In the past two months, The New York

NPR, as well as a plethora of blogs, have covered what has become known as “anony-mous social media.” Most of these articles focused on three apps that debuted on the app store over the last few years: Whisper, Secret and Yik Yak.

Whisper users receive usernames and post anonymously, but Secret and Yik Yak come with twists. When people download Secret, the app has them follow friends from their contact lists; users then see anonymous posts by “friends,” but don’t know which friends are posting. On Yik Yak, all posts

location and shows posts that are only from that area.

ReceptionMedia coverage of these apps has been re-soundingly negative. The Economist cites a review made by the Universal Journal of Educational Research on cyberbullying, and

“witnessed someone being mean or cruel to another online.” A 2011 study by educa-tional psychologists Snakenborg, Van Acker

of anonymity “insidious,” also appeared in the review.

In early March, Yik Yak had to disable its

news. Administrators from three different high schools had emailed parents with warn-ings of this new “virtual bathroom wall,” and worked to educate students about their responsibilities online, regardless of sup-

-chusetts, Georgia and elsewhere because of bomb threats on the app.

Meanwhile, Secret has escaped the school-based outcry targeted at Yik Yak, and has drawn investors ranging from Google Ventures to Alexis Ohanian, a founder of Reddit, reported The New York Times. However, others have refused to invest in it due to moral misgivings, like Silicon Valley venture capitalists Mark Suster and Marc Andreessen.

The latter actually tweeted about his aver-sion to funding “social software,” that gives users the ability to “tear (people) down,” continued The Times.

Yet David Byttow, co-founder of Secret,

maintained that his app helps people with “voicing their opinions in a very construc-tive way,” according to The Economist.

As a result of Yik Yak’s fallout with sev-eral public schools, founders Brooks Buff-ington and Tyler Droll had Apple give Yik

decrease accessibility, and teamed up with Maponics to get the locations of “nearly

-tion” so they could put “geo-fences” around schools to block younger students from us-

“ideal” for the app involves letting intro-verts shine and providing quick communi-cation between strangers that are near each other.

He tells of a college freshman locked out of his room who posted on Yik Yak and was rapidly offered a couch to crash on by an upperclassman.

Anonymity and NegativityThe -pher Poole, founder of 4chan, defending the assumed causal relationship between ano-nymity and bad behavior by saying “people use Facebook to say all kinds of terrible things.

It really just depends who is in your net-work.” 4chan has been around for a little over a decade, according to the website, and other Internet discussion forums have exist-ed since the rise of the Internet itself.

The topics of these forums range from

computer. At www.fmylife.com, negativity and ano-

nymity happily coexist, but posts are not di-

provide solidarity or karma by either voting “I agree, your life sucks,” or “you deserved it.” FML, Pokémon forum Serebii and Mac-Rumors are all examples of anonymous so-cial media that have existed for years now without negative hype.

Poole’s 4chan, on the other hand, has in fact been linked to cyberbullying, according to British news outlet The Register, because of what The Register calls “creepy trolls”

posting hateful messages to get reactions

Ask.fm and Kik, anonymous platforms that played a role in the suicide of 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick in September.

The list of potentially dangerous social media sites goes on, as parents and educa-tors increasingly worry about cyberbullying

and its associations with teen suicide.Meanwhile, NPR has reported on how

anonymity on the Internet is only “an illu-sion,” because of how everyone’s “cookie”

data—traces of where an individual has been on the internet—is so unique that it’s very easy to identify people who are sup-posedly anonymous. The Heartbleed bug has been dormant for two years, and now it “has left large amounts of private keys and other secrets exposed to the Internet,” ac-cording to heartbleed.com. In the meantime, users have been oblivious to their gradual losses of privacy.

Some anonymous platforms, however, are very consciously aimed toward spread-ing positive messages.

The website Gives Me Hope (GMH), which also has an app, arose as the optimis-

its Facebook page. Kindr is an

app that came out last year, and its users can choose to either send p r e - m a d e compliments or original ones to their friends.

These com-pliments gen-erally feature images and text, although the app re-cently added

gifs and memes to the mix.Noticeably, Kindr was co-founded by

Although the terms and conditions for

against posts that were “unlawful, threaten-ing, abusive, tortious, defamatory, obscene,

libelous, or invasive of another’s privacy,” the site quickly became infamous for its harmful nature—likened to bathroom wall scribbles like Yik Yak is now.

According which hasn’t posted any new material since

over 500 campuses in the United States since

went on to publish a book called “lol…OMG!” on “online reputation management, digital citizenship, and cyberbullying,” after

Links the Kindr website but anonymous social media continues to target college campuses.

At TUThe University of Tulsa is host to its own bouquet of anonymous Facebook pages,

-

likes respectively, and that’s out of a student body of around 3,000 undergraduates and 1,000 graduate students.

Submissions go through Google docs so students can remain anonymous, but any-one can post through their own Facebook accounts. Messages can include anything from Dragon Ball Z references to relation-ship struggles, and TU students, at least, are generally either neutral or skeptical towards the pages overall.

As -fessions page has written that “offensive or tasteless confessions (i.e. insulting an indi-vidual or organization)” will not be posted, offensive comments will be deleted, and of-fensive users will be banned.

With this kind of moderation, it’s possible that cyberbullying at TU can be controlled while students are still given the opportunity to express opinions without feeling embar-rassed or negatively judged.

Last “Altar Boyz.” “Altar Boyz” is not your typi-cal musical: this modern show is presented like a live boy-band concert. The show

stereotypical pop music in a light-hearted, fast-paced manner. The music and lyrics are by Gary Adler and Michael Patrick Walker and the book is by Kevin Del Aguila.

The show, TU’s last this year, had a small

Welre), Mark (Harley James Dixon), Luke

excellent dancers and singers. More impor-tantly, they worked well as a group, harmo-nizing beautifully and playing off each other well. Each inhabited a very distinctive typi-cal boy-band character with highly comedic accuracy.

All of the musical numbers were enter-taining and well-rehearsed. The lyrics were

subtle, or not-so-subtle, parody. However, the parody never felt mean-spirited or of-fensive.

A few numbers did stand out. In “Some-thing About You,” a woman from the audi-ence was brought on stage and serenaded. A typical boy-band conceit, except for the ab-stinence message: “Girl, you make me want to wait.” “Epiphany” was a bitter-sweet number featuring Mark (Dixon) who was gay, but still closeted. The number seemed

like it was going to be the big moment when Mark revealed his real feelings for Matthew, but the “secret” that Mark shared instead

What happens if you combine pop music with an exorcism? The dazzling and hysteri-

attempt to exorcise the heaviness from the souls of the audience members.

In revealed that four of them (everyone but Abraham) sold out to sign solo deals. How-ever, they made up in the end, realizing that they were stronger together.

It production. There were a few times when the sound levels were off.

In one case, the voice of the Announcer/Voice of G.O.D. was unintelligible for a few lines. There were a few isolated measures where it was hard to hear one of the actors, but these spots were few and far between.

The show used technology to its advan-tage to heighten the excitement and make it seem more like a real concert setting.

There was dramatic use of smoke ma-chines and an excellent, visually interesting use of lights.

A projection machine was also used to display the “Soul Sensor”, a machine which could supposedly determine how many souls in the audience were weighed down by sin so that The Altar Boyz could lighten their souls with music.

However, the energy and realism of the production was mostly to the credit of the actors. They are onstage for the entire, in-termission-less run of the show doing an incredible amount of singing and dancing, maintaining the same high level of energy throughout.

Altar Boyz, a righteous show

HELEN PATTERSONStaff Writer

GISELLE WILLISStaff Writer

Anonymous social media faces critisms for bullying

April 4

on patrol observed a man sleeping in a doorway of the West Park Apartments building. The man complained of chest pains and was unable to stand. EMSA was contacted and transported the man to a local

vagrant.

April 6

reported to Lottie Jane Mabee Hall to investigate an alcohol violation. A stu-dent reported possibly being drugged by an alcoholic drink provided by an acquain-tance in the student’s Lottie Jane Mabee room. The student reported feeling strange after taking a drink and left the room to re-

suspect acquaintance and are investigating the allegation. The student was evaluated by EMSA paramedics but did not wish to be transported for further treatment.

responded to the 5th Pl. House af-ter receiving a report of someone smoking

the smell of marijuana and searched the room discovering a small amount of mari-juana and paraphernalia. The contraband

2:40-

lage involving two non-TU persons. The

One person was arrested by Tulsa Police for Assault & Battery and the other person was transported to a local hospital by EMSA for minor injuries.

April 8

14:35

-mined contractors activated the smoke de-tectors while cutting drywall. No injuries or damage were reported.

April 9

15:30A contractor employee reported being ha-rassed by a student since 26 March 2014. The employee reported they had been friends until the student’s brother began harassing the employee through text mes-sages. The employee was informed how to

contact with the student and informed them to avoid the employee.

16:30responded to a non-injury vehicle

-dent caused minor damage to a parked ve-hicle while attempting to maneuver through the lot. The other owner was contacted and

-mation.

The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

NEWSTHE COLLEGIAN : 5 14 APRIL 2014

This year’s Springfest concert was one I would have gladly attended in seventh grade, but I’m happy Panic! at the Disco came to TU this year, accompanied by Semi Precious Weapons, whose last visit to Tulsa was as an opener for Lady Gaga in 2011.

At Wednesday concert, I’d wager there were more non-TU students than members of our student body, which may have added to the crowd’s insanity—the average age

went, you know it was crazy; both bands pumped up the attendees to the point of in-ducing injuries. One “asshole” (as Brendon Urie, Panic!’s lead vocalist, stated) ruined it for quite a few people when he ran onto the stage and dove into the audience, causing a concussion, bloody nose, and other damage.

Still, the music was good enough to make enduring such an atmosphere worth it, in my opinion (disclaimer: I wasn’t concussed). The concert was energized when Semi Pre-cious Weapons took the stage; singer Justin Tranter playfully demeaned the crowd, who appeared to appreciate such attention.

SPW’s set consisted solely of tracks off their newest album, “Aviation,” released Tuesday. This new material is fully “glam rock,” so glitzy lights and showy dance moves played a large part in their perfor-mance. It’s more theatrical than their old-er music, of which they played none, as they’ve been moving away from the darker, synth-driven rock of their 2000s days and toward a more energetic, this-is-not-your-momma’s-dancing-music style.

song, and it was clear the crowd would be expected to “Scream to the Sky” and put their “Hands Up” to satisfy Justin to any extent. He encouraged the audience to “Drink,” preferably “Free Booze,” but we all know that wouldn’t happen.

The song which struck a chord with me was “Look to the Stars,” with one foot in alt-rock and one solidly in pop, but the most audience response was elicited by the titular track, “Aviation.” For being a band I hadn’t heard of until Springfest, SPW surprised me

Whittle on bass, commanded the stage and hyped up the audience for “Panic! at the mother-f***ing Disco, b*tches!”

Sure enough, when Panic! took the stage and began playing “Time to Dance,” the crowd took its cue and began dancing. As P!atD barreled into “The Ballad of Mona Lisa,” it became clear that the attendees loved this song: the barrier was pushed for-ward a few feet in a burst of excitement—this threw those of us in the pit off our feet.

Security was doubled to hold the crowd back after that, and the show continued. In total, Panic! played six songs from their po-tentially most well-known album, 2005’s

-tributed to the “be still, my middle school heart” feeling I assume many experienced (or was that just me…?). Who can’t help but sing along to The Only Difference Between

It was exciting to hear music from Panic!’s newest album, released six months ago: “Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die.” Five new songs were delivered with great fervor, although Panic! disappointed me slightly in “audience interaction.” “This is Gospel” was my favorite, but “Miss Jack-son,” “Nicotine,” “Girls/Girls/Boys” and “Vegas Lights” were all up to par with their

-en on a more upbeat style, which I enjoy.

Their dated material was given adequate -

ado,” “Ready to Go” and “Nine in the Af-ternoon” (the most cheerful ballad on this

album “Pretty. Odd.”) were all performed to the enjoyment of the singing and screaming

-ers were brought out: Journey’s “Anyway

All Night Long” were both amusing choic-es, but that only made it interesting.

The last song of the night had everyone singing along. No one made it through the 2000s without memorizing “I Write Sins Not Tragedies,” so it was a huge hit and a great song to conclude the show.

dreams, and hopefully did the same for all who attended.

SARA DOUGLASStaff Writer

Panic! at the Disco brings enjoyable show to Tulsa

South America

ECUADOR

Last Saturday was the deadline for environ--

natures to call for a referendum on whether or not to allow further oil drilling in part of the Yasuni Biosphere Reserve, one of the most biologically diverse regions of the Amazon rainforest and home to several in-digenous populations.

In

billion to stop the oil extraction plans but scrapped the conservation plan in August when other countries failed to come up with enough money.

Environmental group Yasunidos said last week that they have gathered enough signa-tures to put oil drilling to a national vote, which is a measure permitted by law.

“With these signatures we are certain that the popular consultation vote will go

-unidos, told reporters in the Ecuador’s capi-tal Quito.

Meanwhile, that he refuses to let the country be a “beg-gar sitting on a sack of gold” just because a few environmentalists are unwilling to ac-

ARGENTINA

Several unions in Argentina held 24-hour

taxes last Thursday that paralyzed much of the country’s regular operations.

The bus, train and metro services did not run, which forced many businesses that re-lied on commuters to close for the day and

Protestors demanded higher wages and

Argentina reached more than 30 percent.“Prices are going up by the elevator and

salaries by the stairs, that’s the real disad-

union leader Luis Barrionuevo in a state-ment.

The Fernandez de Kirchner devalued the peso to encourage grain exports and reduced subsi-dies in order to decrease the country’s larg-

-sures that slowed economic growth.

Europe

GREECE

A car bomb exploded outside of Greece’s central bank last Thursday morning only hours before Greece’s planned return to the bond market after the start of the country’s debt crisis in 2010.

Police reported that the explosion broke windows in nearby shops but caused no ca-sualties. No one has yet claimed responsi-bility for the attack.

Despite the blast and protests against aus-terity measures the previous day, the bond

-nance ministry’s original target.

The exceeded all expectations,” Prime Minister Antonis Samaras said in a statement. “In-ternational markets have expressed, beyond

Greek economy.”

BELGIUM

Last recognize the country’s beer culture as an intangible cultural heritage.

The idea started back in 2011 with Bel-

gained support from the Francophone com-

speaking population. Traditional Belgian beers include sour

beers, lambic beers, and Trappist beers, the last of which are brewed by monks.

If accepted, beer culture will join the oth-er Belgian events and activities already rec-

Blood Procession in Bruges and falconry in Oostduinkerke.

to make a decision next year.

Eye on the world:MAGDALENA SUDIBJOStaff Writer

In last week’s commentary section, Alex White was referred to as a “staff editor” when

On last week’s Springfest page the photo credits should have been given to Oscar Ho, Terry Altom and Olivia Blankenship.

In last week’s issue we accidentally ran the unedited version of Giselle Willis’ article ‘Turnout on the Rise.’ Because of this there were numerous errors in the article, in-cluding some numerical errors. We have posted the updated version to our website

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This interview was edited for brevity and clarity.

NEWS THE COLLEGIAN : 614 APRIL 2014

Last week, United 4 TU, a ticket combining presidential candidate Michael Mancini, vice-presidential candidate Whitney House, secretary candidate Brooke Boutwell and treasurer candidate Nicole Coppola, swept the SA executive elections with promises of “Diversity, Spirit, Experience and Unity.” J.Christopher Proctor, editor-in-chief, Conor Fellin, managing editor, and Morgan Krueger, news editor, sat down with the newly victorious Mancini to talk about the future of SA, running on a four-person ticket and whatever else they wanted to talk about. With a bottle of Virgil’s root beer in hand, a jovial president-elect Mancini eagerly shared his plans for the future of TU.

President-elect discusses policy, election

ResultsPresident!Michael!Mancini,!578!Brett!Baumgartner,!265!

Vice!President!Whitney!House,!529!Rob!Egan,!316!

Secretary!Brooke!Boutwell,!486!Jennifer!Steere,!343

Treasurer!Nicole!Coppola,!663!Emma!Todd,!175!

Constitutional!Amendment!1“"is amendment would restructure existing! pow-er! of! the! student! body! to... call! for! an! election! to! re-move!that!o#cer! from!o#ce.”!Yes,!780!(93.6%)

Constitutional!Amendment!2“"is! amendment! to! the! Con-stitution! of! the! Student! Asso-ciation!of!the!University!of!Tul-sa! will! coincide! with! our! cur-rent! system! of! University! ad-ministration...”!Yes,!696!(84.1%)

varietyTHE COLLEGIAN : 7 14 APRIL 2014

This Week:

Upcoming:

BY HELEN PATTERSON

It must be such a drag to live in

amount of sun—dreadful, relent-less, painstakingly predictable sun that refuses to let up far beyond the point where it has become un-necessary and lost all of its appeal.

its cues from that same overbear-ing sun on its eponymous debut album. The music is assaultively bright—an analogue for all the things most people cannot stand

these same people won’t like the

There is nothing inherently -

single “Little Games,” it almost seems promising. But after a few minutes it becomes apparent that

-fer in the way of innovation, and basically recycles the same for-mat, beat and synthesizer for ev-ery song.

That’s not even a crime unto

itself, because bands can make whole careers out of doing one thing really well (think, the XX or Beach House), though not usu-ally something as asinine as uncut, undiluted pop. And honestly, the

well. In fact, after “Little Games,”

the album sort of bleeds together in an amalgamation of bright, chippy choruses and overused young-love tropes. Literally ev-ery song—with the exception of “Stray Away,” functioning as a welcome reprieve—is the exact same tempo. The album is riddled with obnoxious danceability, but who has the energy or the drive to keep dancing to the same song for 45 minutes?

Moreover, the band does not even bother experimenting the-matically (as every song tells a derivative of young love vs. young heartbreak) all wrapped up into three and a half tidy minutes. This should be obvious glancing at the track listing; with titles like “To-night (Young Hearts),” “Say You Need Me” and “Oh Goodbye,” there’s really only one narrative that the band has pigeonholed themselves into.

The production is not doing the

front cover is awash with sparkles, a good indicator of the glossy sheen of the album. This is one of the smoother albums in memory, to the point where it starts to de-tract from the songs themselves. There’s just no grit, no muscle, no

resolve that grabs the listener and demands its attention.

Even the highlights are bland. The lead singers, Adam Tuttle and

presence and command as vocal-ists, but they tend to sound a lot like everybody else, which is to say they sound like nobody at all.

a stronger voice, as her cut “Fix This” is perhaps the best on the album, but it’s pretty faint praise

If there are positives to be tak-

does not do anything wrong. The resulting sound is stick-to-the-script indie pop with most of the indie sheared away. The melodies are serviceable, and any of these songs on its own might stick with a listener long enough to become something of an earworm, if noth-ing more.

The problems come when all of these songs are pushed back-to-back. They are swinging for the fences on every pitch, and at some point it becomes a little boring to listen.

In today’s over-saturated music market, a band has to be original and creative enough to warrant se-lection over the millions of other bands jockeying for attention and airwaves.

is not bad. But it is nothing, and sometimes nothing is worse than bad. After all, if you are listening to nothing, you might as well turn off the stereo.

“The Colourist” monotonously sunny

NICHOLAS FOSTERStaff Writer

-

The back of the bottle promises

roast coffee and toasted oak in this red. However, much to this writ-er’s dismay, none of these prom-ises are delivered. Instead the wine manages to be both syrupy-sweet and acidic at the same time.

Despite the artistic label, which is comprised of two labels split by a “tear,” the bottle is not pleasant to consume.

Surprisingly, it is unusually thick. While drinking, the wine clings to the side of the glass, con-sequently coating the edges. Once drunk it adheres to the tongue. It lingers in the mouth, serving as a constant reminder of its unpleasant

It is also, unfortunately, rather expensive for being so terrible. At $12 a bottle it would be cheaper, more pleasant—and certainly more expedient—to drink Franzia.

The only advantage to this par-ticular beverage is that it is cer-tainly better than Natural or Key-stone beer.

However, for those seeking a -

gnon, I highly recommend the Plungerhead. Despite its use of a plastic cork—a common indica-tion of cheap wines that I am wary of—the Plungerhead is a happy ditty that pleases the senses.

Initially, the wine needs a minute or two out of the bottle to breathe, but is light and fruity on the tip of the tongue with just enough tang to remind you it’s a wine. The 2011 has aged just enough to ma-

further along the palate.

pleaser, and could be paired with light hors d’oeuvres. However, it is not strong enough to pair with anything too heavy, such as an entrée. I would suggest lighter hard cheeses without much of a

or fresher soft cheeses like chèvre. Fruit or nuts would also be a good choice.

The Plungerhead—unlike the

should be, perfectly serviceable and enjoyable.

For the every day there is no need to spend more than $20; re-ally special wines will likely come

-

spectrum wonderfully—a happy wine which serves well for enter-taining.

KIMBERLY POFFStaff Writer

review!"#$

Cabernet Savignons: befuddle, please

Delivering hypnotic melodies, rich textures and spritely rhythms, Elephant Revival brought a stun-ning show to the Vanguard on Thursday.

From the moment they took the stage, the band moved between stirring jigs, rich instrumentals and mournful ballads.

The show opened with “Birds and Songs,” a stirring serenade to the beauty of nature.

From the heavenly jubilation of “Spinning” to the pounding chase of “Wake’s Only Daughter,” the band produced an impressive di-versity of sounds united by their

-toxicating harmonies.

Among the highlights of the show was “Raven Song,” a haunt-ing A capella piece centered around a heart-wrenching melody frontwoman Bonnie Paine heard her two-year-old niece humming one night. The bone-rattling per-cussion of “Rogue River” pro-

concert.

The quintet worked together ef-fortlessly. With a few whispered words, the group would stray from the setlist and launch into a new tune, passing off instruments and backing each other with perfect harmonies and inspired accompa-niment.

It is hard not to admire the mu-sicianship of Elephant Revival. There were enough instruments on stage to support one of those massive bands of about a dozen, but, instead of a massive band, what stepped onto the stage was a folksy quintet of dedicated multi-instrumentalists.

And it’s not just that a lot of instruments were played; almost

all of the instruments were played by more than one band member at some point in the concert. As ban-jos, guitars, mandolins, djembes,

hands from song to song, the only instrument that rested in one mu-sicians’ hands for the entire show was the washboard played by frontwoman Bonnie Paine.

In a music scene where brand-ing yourself as a folk group has become increasingly trendy, El-ephant Revival shuns all labels and, through sheer craft and musi-cianship, writes nothing more (and nothing less) than immersive and evocative songs.

ABIGAIL LABOUNTYStaff Writer

Elephant Revival unforgettable

THE COLLEGIAN : 814 APRIL 2014

On

known as the Heartbleed Bug. Heartbleed is a vulnerability in OpenSSL, a free encryption tool used by an estimated two-thirds of the internet.

The bug, which has been pres-ent in OpenSSL since early 2012, allows attackers to access the pri-vate encryption keys, usernames, passwords, emails, instant mes-sages, sensitive documents and pretty much anything else you’ve told the internet.

The Heartbleed Bug is particu-larly scary for a number of rea-sons. It leaves the vast majority of data on the internet vulnerable. Exploitations of the bug leave no records, and there is no way to protect data intercepted during the two years the bug has been live.

The scariest part of Heartbleed is the implications for data that has been collected in the past. As long as the site you’re using has patched their version of OpenSSL, attackers no longer have live ac-cess to information sitting in that server’s memory, but they could still have any information you sent

to the server within the past two years.

Anytime you load a page on the internet, information is sent from your computer to the computer hosting the web page. If you’re shopping on Etsy and you send the server your credit card number and billing address, that information is open to interception.

This type of attack is typically prevented by encryption. Your browser uses a code to change the information you’re sending into random numbers and letters, and the site you’re sending informa-tion to is the only one with the key to that code. So if an attacker re-cords all the information you send to Etsy, all she sees is a bunch of random characters, and your infor-mation is still safe.

But because of Heartbleed, the attacker can go into the server and

now she can read all the infor-mation she collected from you. There’s no way to go back and re-encrypt that data.

There are a few ways to protect yourself from Heartbleed. First, don’t log on to any site or send it sensitive data if it’s still vulnera-

extensions, as well as other web-sites, to check if a site is still vul-

sites you use (Etsy, Yahoo, Face-book, etc.) were affected, and, as long as they’ve patched their serv-er, change your password.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to protect against previously in-tercepted data, but keep an eye on your bank statement to make sure stolen information isn’t being used against you.

ABIGAILLABOUNTYStaff Writer

Heartbleed: bad guys have your information

Does TU need a Creative Writing major?

A recurring topic of late among faculty and students at the Uni-versity of Tulsa is the current state and future of the arts and humani-ties. Many involved in these areas are concerned about budget cuts in humanities departments by uni-versities and slowing enrollment in liberal arts majors.

TU certainly puts an emphasis on the humanities, from the new

three academic literary journals funded by TU, but slowing en-rollment in the humanities majors persists. Now the question is, what else can we do to ensure the con-tinued relevance of these subjects? I say, a creative writing major.

Of the liberal arts majors, cre-ative writing is one of the few that continues to grow. The creative writing program has a short histo-

the University of Iowa Writer’s

-gree programs, and by 2004 there was 350 graduate programs and

-grees are included.

As the creative writing major made a quick rise to prominence, the English major began a slow

-ates were majors to 2004 when

-cent.

The inclusion of a creative writ-ing major has the potential to bol-ster enrollment in English (most creative writing programs are con-

tained within the department) and increase the visibility of the arts on campus.

Despite increased interest in creative writing, many question the worth and practicality of a creative writing major. A common argument is that creative writers don’t learn skills that are applica-ble in the job market. If this argu-ment is to be made against creative writing, then it must also be lev-eled against literature.

Some claim that creative writ-ing cannot be taught and that it is

produced great works of literature before the program’s advent.

creative writing be taught? I say, emphatically, no. But this is not the goal of a creative writing major.

The creative writing major does what has been done informally by writers for centuries; it brings together motivated and talented writers and lets them sharpen one another by discussing technique, editing one another’s work, and

writers.William Burroughs, Allen Gins-

berg and Jack Kerouac gathered

together in New York in a shared apartment where Burroughs, an academic and experienced writer, took the position of mentor in what was essentially the start of the Beat Generation, a literary movement whose effects are still felt today.

In Hemingway met James Joyce, Ezra Pound, F. Scott Fitzgerald and his mentor, Gertrude Stein. Would the Lost Generation have happened without a convergence

of writers? The Beat Generation?As a vocation, creative writing

is circular. Students graduate, con-tinue to MFA programs and then take up teaching positions and lead workshops of their own. Some would ask, what is the point?

More and more, art is expected to be free. Google any success-

numerous examples of their hard work for free. In the music indus-try, fewer and fewer are paying; music is either stolen or listened to on Spotify for a monthly fee equivalent to the price of an LP.

These changes make living as

The creative writing program is an avenue to ensure the continued production of literature that our children will be studying.

The faculty positions that the major requires provide a way for writers to make a living, continue producing their art and impart valuable knowledge to students.

Without the creation of the cre-ative writing program, the craft of

literary genres, would be in a sorry place.

Since the beginning of the cre-

ative writing program, the disci-pline of poetry has become almost entirely subsumed by the academy, essentially allowing it to continue to thrive despite a shrinking mar-ket for sale.

writing programs per-form several important functions: they create jobs for writers, expose non-majors to artistic expression, provide an avenue for young writ-ers to network and exchange ideas and build the humanities in a time of downturn.

ALEXWHITEWeb Editor

I am not opposed to creative writ-ing or creative writing classes. I have taken four writing workshops at TU and abroad, and I think that

for encouraging people to improve their writing and the writing of their peers.

I creative writing as a supplement to my English and philosophy de-grees. However, I do not think that creative writing should ever func-tion as a stand-alone major for un-dergraduates.

First, I will address the issue of practicality. As a double-major in the humanities, I hate to use this point. However, it is a useful con-sideration. Most students graduate with debt. The expectation is that future employment opportunities will offset this, making the whole

-nancially viable.

The writing and critical reason-ing skills learned when completing a humanities degree are market-able in a wide variety of venues, some of them unexpected. How-ever, creative writing is not always an employable degree when com-pared with English, communica-tions or history.

Another danger of majoring solely in creative writing is that this can potentially limit the number of concepts, ideas and viewpoints to which you are exposed. Writing is the ultimate goal and pleasure for many authors, but the process of getting there is not a simple mat-

ter of workshopping your peers’ pieces and reading a lot of literary

investigate subjects, people, etc. which are interesting to you so that you can actually bring something original to the page.

writing should be a generative, cross-disciplinary ex-perience, allowing people from all sorts of backgrounds to showcase their perspectives. Otherwise, you run the risk of making creative writing into a closed loop, a self-perpetuating system hostile to new subject matter and viewpoints.

My against offering creative writing as a stand-alone major is that it fos-ters specialization. Specialization has been a boon to modern civili-zation; it has allowed us to build and implement a highly complex society.

However, specialization be-comes dangerous when it divides traditionally broader disciplines

individuals into narrow niches.

programs shows that the highest levels of education have already turned down this path.

To an extent, then, this is un-avoidable in the modern world. However, the time for specializa-tion is not at the undergraduate level. I fervently believe that an undergraduate degree should give students a broad overview and teach them a wide-range of prac-tical skills and critical modes of thinking within a particular disci-pline. Why should creative writing be divorced from English when the skills needed to write argumenta-tive papers and powerful, creative stories so often overlap?

If schools want to offer a cre-ative writing as a major it should be offered as an adjunct major, a supplement to another major in the humanities (or in the sciences). This way, the problems of practi-cality, having something to write about and specialization will all be mitigated or avoided.

HELENPATTERSONStaff Writer

“The creative writing major brings together motivated

and talented writers”

WHERE DID THE WALL GO?

CommentaryTHE COLLEGIAN : 9 14 APRIL 2014

editor-in-chief—J.Christopher Proctor

managing editor—Conor Fellin

news editor—Morgan Krueger

sports editor—Will Bramlett

variety editor—Stephanie Hice

barricade and commentary editor—Patrick Creedon

satire editor—Anna Bennett

photo & graphics editor—Jill Graves

copy editor—Will Boogert, Kalen Petersen, Amy Jo

Bunselmeyer

business & advertising manager—Liz Cohen

distribution manager—Kalen Petersen

web manager—Alex White

apprentice editor—Giselle Willis

The Collegian is the independent student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law in its programs, services, aids, or benefits.

Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, 918-631-2616. Requests for accommodation of disabilities may be addressed to the University’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Taylor, 918-631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpreter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accommodations. Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or The Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email The Collegian at [email protected] or [email protected]. The deadline for advertising is 12 p.m. on the Friday prior to the publication. Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content. Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opinions of the entire Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers. Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words. While we do not require it, letters sent via e-mail to the Collegian are encouraged. Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Saturday prior to publication.

Restricting minimum wage increases is not the answer

Last week the Oklahoma state leg-islature passed a bill that would forbid cities and counties from raising the minimum wage higher than the state minimum.

If signed by the governor, this will create a uniform minimum across the state that is in line with

hour.This move comes in the context

of the Obama administration’s re-cent push to raise the federal mini-

per hour. While cities and states across

the country have embraced this change, willingly upping their minimums, these efforts have been met with ample criticism, espe-cially in more conservative states like Oklahoma.

Detractors of increasing the minimum wage, including Okla-homa Governor Mary Fallin, claim that if minimum wage were increased large companies would

their employees to pay the sal-ary of their remaining employees without cutting into the bottom line.

While fundamental economic ideas like supply and demand have traditionally been used in sup-

port of this claim (higher labor costs lead to fewer laborers), re-cent studies have found that these claims do not seem to hold up to real world data.

“Most of the evidence suggests that there is really no effect on em-ployment after you increase the minimum wage, and an even more surprising result is that several

a positive effect on employment rather than a negative effect,” said TU Economics Professor Matthew Hendricks.

Hendricks went on to note that this positive effect depends on the wage, and excessive wages will

not make unemployment rise.For example in a ground-

Krueger looked at what happened to employment in New Jersey and Pennsylvania after New Jersey raised its minimum wage from $4.25 to $5.05 per hour (with

4.25). By surveying 410 fast food restaurants, the pair were able to track employment changes in one of the industries most reliant on minimum wage laborers.

While the conventional wisdom held that employment in New Jer-sey should suffer, the pair found

a 13-percent increase in employ-ment in the Garden State com-pared to Pennsylvania.

These surprising results have been upheld in multiple similar studies, and there is a growing consensus among economists that increases in the minimum wage are at worst unrelated to employ-ment and at best can lead to mod-est job growth.

It was these changes to conven-tional thinking that led 600 econo-mists to sign a letter in 2013 urging the national government to raise the federally mandated minimum

per hour to $10.10 per hour over

the course of three years. Among -

the American Economic Associa-tion.

While many businesses have expressed fear about potential changes, data collected after past changes does not show a decrease in persons employed after previ-ous minimum wage hikes.

In other words, it is easier to

will be necessary when facing fu-

businesses who actually cut jobs after past hikes.

The current minimum wage is -

ing. A substantial increase in the federal minimum wage would help millions of low-wage workers and would help keep many working Americans from relying on gov-ernment subsidies for basic needs.

While the arguments against the minimum wage’s effect on em-ployment seem logical, they are not born out in real world econom-ic data. A higher minimum wage would not be a cure-all for Amer-ica’s economic woes, but it would be solid step in the right direction.

Oklahoma’s legislators, instead of limiting cities’ ability to experi-ment with higher minimum wag-es, should look to raise our state’s minimum higher than the federally

While this step may seem un-thinkable in the ‘reddest state in the union,’ it is a sensible move that would help working Oklaho-mans without posing a realistic risk to overall employment levels.

FRASER KASTNERStaff WriterJ.CHRISTOPHER PROCTOREditor-in-Chief

Barricade of the Week: Sloviansk, Ukraine

The federal poverty line for a single person

in a 40-hour week. On paper, this seems rea-sonable. A single person with no dependents working full time at minimum wage should be able to make more than enough to support themselves.

However the method used to determine the poverty line is outdated and a poor indicator of a living wage.

The federal poverty line is determined by multiplying the minimum cost of food by three, because when it was being developed

roughly a third of its income on food.The poverty rate has since been adjusted

average household now spends only about one seventh of their income on food.

The to the reality that families now spend more on other things like housing and insurance than they do on food. As food prices have dropped

faster than other prices over the years, the poverty rate has become less and less representative of actual conditions in America

current consumption patterns.Taking these changes into account, a more

accurate estimate of the poverty line would

This means that if the poverty equation was

in America, the number of people considered to be in poverty would be much higher.

In fact, at the current minimum wage, a single person with no dependents would need to work one full time job, as well as another nearly full time job in order to make ends meet.

As it is, many low-wage workers must rely on government subsidies for things like health insurance and food because the federally mandated minimum wage is nearly half of what would be necessary to live above a realistic poverty line.

Current poverty line formula outdated, not useful

26 days. In 26 days, the semester will be over, the seniors gradu-ated, the summer started and the

forever. While the end of the se-mester is still three weeks away,

next week, as our last issue of the year will hit the stands on April 21.

We’ve had a pretty good year

the last few weeks we’ve received some awards for all our hard work. But we know we’re not the only club out there that’s been doing exciting stuff all year.

If you or your club has done anything cool this year or won any awards recently, send us a picture and a short description of what you did and we’ll run it in the pa-per next week. TU is a awesome place because students like you do awesome things, and you deserve to get to show off a little!

Email photos to [email protected] and have a great last few weeks of school. 26 days!

Editor-in-Chief

THE COLLEGIAN : 1014 APRIL 2014

Entries must be filled out completely, no copied entries eligible. No purchase necessary, a purchase will not increase your chance of winning. See official rules for details. Sweepstakes begins on April 1, 2014 and ends on April 23, 2014. Entries must be received by April 23, 2014. Entrants must be registered University of Tulsa students. Odds of winning depends on number of eligible entries received. In lieu of register to win box, you may also mail a 3”x5” card with your name, address, age, and phone number to TACO BELL®, 3118 E. 11th Street, Tulsa, OK 74104 ©2014 TACO BELL CORP.

!"#"$%&'(%)*&!+,-!%.($.&$/!'/!01

!"#"$0&23314$5!%.

*!6631$5!%.

(!#17

!44&1//7

+).(1$('#-1&7Yes, I am a registeredTU student.

THE COLLEGIAN : 11 14 APRIL 2014

918-595-4226

Stadium owner Earl Doggins ex-pressed shock and outrage last Wednesday when he was informed that Driller Stadium was endorsed by PETA for its vegetarian options and relatively animal-product-free facility.

“I was speechless when I found out that those crazies somehow support me and my business,” said Doggins. “I mean, where did I go wrong? I eat meat daily, some-times exclusively.”

People For the Ethical Treat-ment of Animals, or PETA, a

for the equal treatment of animals, has come out in praise of Driller Stadium for its vegetarian-friendly vendors.

“We’re very pleased to see Brother Doggins adopting the

vegan lifestyle. It is so rare to see business and sport types show a humane side,” said Smokey Rainwater, Tulsa’s ranking PETA member.

Doggins, who regularly eats steak and owns stock in Ty-

a drastic plan to restore the base-ball stadium to what he sees as its rightful place.

“I’ve been reading up on Incan

“Before their games, they sac-

llama. Publicly. In the middle of

And so, to restore balance and dignity to the world of minor league sports, Doggins has decid-ed that each Drillers game will be-

“My spiritual advisor, Achka

me with everything I will need to ensure a successful season for the Drillers, the disapproval of vegans and a plentiful potato harvest,” said Doggins, wearing the tradi-tional garb of an Incan Priest, as well as a pair of thigh-high rub-

ber boots and holding a large jade knife. When this reporter asked Doggins why the boots were nec-essary, he responded that the Inca

When asked about the graphic -

gins was dismissive. “Listen”, he said, “we’ve been doing practice runs for the past couple of weeks, and the worst possible thing that could happen is that the animal gets loose and runs around. But they bleed out pretty quickly after that.”

After the animal is publicly killed as part of a warding ritual to protect against PETA, the body will be put to use. The leather will be used to make homemade base-ball gloves, the wool made into sweaters to be sold at the gift store, and the meat made into llama burg-ers and llama-dogs. Everything else will be made into dog food.

Local environmental consultant Richard Walker described the plan as “tasteless, morally reprehen-sible and unnecessary.” He did, however, add that it was “probably more sustainable than the current setup.”

THE STATE-RUN MEDIA14 APRIL 2014

State-Runthe

media!"#$%&'($)*+,-.$/0$!1$2/-0#..,/-.3

FRAZER KASTNERManly Activist

We’re sure you read the paper cover to cover every week, from Sports to State Run. But assuming you’re not saving every issue you get your hands on for posterity (or if you just happen across an extra copy or two), then the question arises of what to do with the paper once it’s been read and enjoyed. Here are a few suggestions of ways to keep print journalism relevant, even after reading.

1. Add it to your Lasagna Gar-den. The insightful material and

nutrients to your tomatoes.

2. Home Improvement. Level ta-bles, seal gaps and hide messes, all with the power of award-win-ning college journalism.

3. Use a copy in the bedroom for some light spanking. Because accuracy is sexy.

4. Get crafty. Informative and student-minded decoupage is very in these days.

5. Protect fragile items when moving. That way, when you unpack your boxes back in your parents’ basement, you can cry over the crumpled memories of the bygone utopia of your under-grad days, while being reminded that at least the parking and the food is better where you are now.

Design of 2013 while eavesdrop-ping, stalking or carrying out a private investigation. Everyone

you’ll blend right in.

marked with a “$” with crum-

prominently in your apartment, so as to impress all the ladies with your wealth (of knowledge about current events that are rel-evant to you).

-logue to perform for a class or audition? Why not Nikki Hag-

-pose on TU’s Equal Opportunity policy? Looking for some mate-rial to adapt into a short story? Why not Morgan Krueger’s

opinion on students in the Aloft?

winning photography of Will Bramlett and David Kennedy, or decorate with a little more whimsy with Anna Bennett’s 2nd-place winning graphic ma-terial.

10. Baking. Use the pages of the

cookies for just a hint of extra-

Run and the TU Ten, unless you want your cookies to end up bit-ter.

BONUS! Give yourself a news-paper manicure (look it up on Pinterest) using your favorite words from the State-Run Me-dia, like “tittie,” “whore feet,” “Danger,” “nipples” and “taxi-dermy.”

Ten Ways to Re-Use BY ANNA BENNETT

Passive voice found by writerWILL BOOGERTThings are written by him

!"#"$%&'()*$$+Misery MondayTotalitarian TuesdayWaterboarding WednesdayThumbscrew ThursdayFraudulent FridaySuffering SaturdayShady Sunday

Study reveals trends in TU’s anon. media usage

anonymous pages are written while the Facebook user was inebriated or at least a little contact drunk.***************************

actually written by the individuals the compliment was about. While some of this may be simple ego-stroking, scientists now think

that much of the behavior may be an attempt to test a theory of one’s identity; if a post achieves so many likes and no incredulous comments, then it is assumed to be generally true.***************************

-er ballad lyrics.***************************

one user, and though the poster’s identity is still unknown, experts think it’s probably a really, really

horny Freshman with lots of spare time.***************************

--

***************************-

ally written sarcastically.***************************

-

is not necessarily an accurate rep-resentation.

ANNA BENNETTHottest Girl on Campus

As an English major, a job as a writer was always a career that was wanted by me. However, I was also dominated by fear that it

found by me after graduation. Unlike the engineering and sci-

ence students who are matriculated in droves by the university every year, I was not entreated upon by huge corporations for internships or summer positions.

So in order for success to be achieved by me in the literary world, a unique writing style had

to be found by me in order for my writing to be noticed by publish-ing houses. After class after class of being shown books written by famous authors, a decision was made by me to be remembered as the most unorthodox writer who had ever been born onto this earth: the truth was revealed to me that the passive voice must be used by me.

Blame is not cast by me onto those syntactical Luddites who have been convinced by prescrip-tionists like Strunk and White that the passive voice should never be used by anyone. But the opinion is held by me that our generation

should be exposed to a new way of writing that is not held back by any outdated notions of grammati-cal “correctness”.

Since that step was taken by me, my papers have been greeted with so much more attention by my professors; none of my papers has been given anything higher than a D. This is certainly caused by the fact that my revolutionary style is perceived by them to be unwieldy and cumbersome, when in fact the glorious future of literature is be-ing heralded by me. They are pit-ied by me.

After this article was submitted,

april 14th, 2014

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