· web viewdrawing from a variety of professionals with a heart for this work, every week you...

Being Imperfect Together: Thoughts and Reflections on

Relating in Community

A Project of the Community ofSts. Clare and Francis,

A Member of the Ecumenical Catholic Communion

Art Maines, LCSW, Coordinator and ContributorSue Self, LCSW

Helen Gennari, LCSWAdditional therapist contributor who wishes to remain

anonymous

January 1, 2015Introducing “Being Imperfect Together”

Relationships are the very essence of community. Here at Sts. Clare and Francis we are committed to nurturing the highest quality relationships to better reveal the true nature of God as he/she expresses herself through individuals. To that worthwhile and challenging end, we present a new weekly column intended to offer you thoughts and ideas on enhancing all your relationships, although with a spotlight on healthy, life-expanding community.

Drawing from a variety of professionals with a heart for this work, every week you will find a new topic for your consideration, reflection, and perhaps use in your own life. If you find the column valuable or interesting, we invite you to forward the newsletter to a friend. We always invite your comments, questions, and constructive criticism (send them to me at [email protected]). If space permits we will attempt to answer your pertinent questions in the column, and we ask your prayers for our journey through this year.

Yours in outstanding relationships,

Art Maines, LCSWCoordinator, Being Imperfect Together

Being Imperfect TogetherJanuary 8, 2015What do we mean by healthy relationships?By Art Maines, LCSW

While there are many different views on what it means to be in a healthy relationship in a community, here are some of the characteristics of healthy relationships in general:

Respect – viewing the other as important and worthy, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and accept the other's emotions.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict or disagreement. Problem solving is the aim and practice.

Safety - talking and acting in a way that promotes both persons’ feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities together.

Patience – people aren’t perfect and will fail us. We, in turn, will fail others. This is just a fact of life and community, frustrating as it is. Patience enacts the spirit of perseverance, kindness, and forgiveness.

Reflect on the qualities above: Where are you strong, and where do your challenges lie? How can you embody more of the qualities that don’t come as easily for you? Are there other characteristics of healthy community relationships that are important to you? Feel free to send your comments to me at [email protected].

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching.

Being Imperfect TogetherJanuary 15, 2015Communication As Skill DevelopmentAnonymous therapist contributor

I’ll never forget riding home from a workshop presentation on a Saturday afternoon and listening to a show on NPR in which the two hosts were talking about cheese. Not just any cheese, but wide varieties of cheeses. There are cheeses from Europe, Asia, South America and North America and not unlike wine there exists connoisseurs of these chesses. Who knew? All I knew was that cheese is mostly yellow and much better melted than cold. And so it goes…when one is taken in by a topic, perhaps any topic, one finds depths and tastes and nuances that the casual person might not notice.

Such it is with communication; more accurately, effective communication in relationships. The more I study this topic I find there to be broader and deeper ways of communicating with another that allows for connection which heretofore might go unnoticed. I am unlikely to be able to tell you the differences between a Colby and a cheddar cheese but very likely to share with you insights about communication which can, and would, improve the quality of your relationships.

Let me begin with this. Communication is a variety of skills that allows the human person to more connect with the self as well as the other. Like any skill, to become effective one must practice the skill over and over again. In my experience if the average person has learned the techniques of communicating assertively or practices active listening they are confident that their skills are more advanced than the average person, and they would likely be correct. But I want to tell you that active listening is to effective communication what “Chopsticks” is to piano playing…a good start but only for beginners.

I am privileged to have been asked to contribute to this part of the community newsletter entitled “Being Imperfect Together” and over the coming months I hope to share with you more helpful skills to improve

the breadth and depth of your relationship with each other, God, and ourselves.

This contributor is a Clinical Social Worker who has been providing psychotherapy since 1988. In addition, he frequently presents workshops to groups of priests and religious on topics ranging from communications to family dynamics. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherJanuary 22, 2015“Press Reset”by Sue Self, LCSW

I finally learned to translate my mother right. She and I have such a history of not understanding each other, of not being direct, of not expressing our care for each other in authentic ways, that what we do say is most often taken in with a negative slant.

Here’s what happened: We are on the phone, and she is inviting me to breakfast. “About 9:30. Your Uncle Joe and his girls will be there.” “Well, Ma, I’m sick. I feel really awful.” “Well, can’t you take an aspirin and feel better?” On any other day, I would be thinking, ‘Like, yeah, easy as that. I’ll just take an aspirin. You don’t care how sick I am, you don’t want to be embarrassed by my absence’—you get the idea.

But that day, I managed to pause. What is she really trying to say? Or, not saying, that if she did, might end our wrangling? But she’s said what she said, and if it’s ever going to be different, I need to do something different.

She was telling me she really wanted me to be there. It doesn’t matter why really. It’s important to her. This dawned on me, I don’t know, maybe it was the fever. So I said, “Okay, I’ll be there.”

So many times, our history with people predicts our future. We come to expect that what they say or do will hurt, and we strike back, or strike

first, not considering the idea that maybe we have it wrong. Maybe a moment of compassion, or empathy, or forgiveness—call it pressing RESET--will make a difference in who we are to each other.

“I’m really glad you’re coming.”

Bingo. Got it right that time.

“I know, Mom. See you in a while.”

Sue Self, LCSW, has been a social worker in mental health for more than 20 years. A graduate of Webster University and George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, she currently works for BJC Behavioral Health.

Being Imperfect TogetherJanuary 29, 2015Acceptance: A Great Place to StartBy Art Maines, LCSW

Today would have been my father’s (Art Sr.) 106th birthday. He was born on this day in 1909 into a world I can scarcely imagine. The youngest of 9 children of a homemaker and a ferry boat captain on the rugged coast of Maine, he lost his mother in the great flu pandemic of 1918 when he was only 9. I believe this was his first great “life wound.”

He was 52 when I came along, and his life had not been easy to that point. He had worked long, hard hours at a variety of jobs, including running cranes in the shipyard at Bath Iron Works in Bath, Maine, building the merchant ships that helped the Allies win World War II. A failed marriage, late nights playing drums in dance bands on the East coast, and finally a broken back in a workplace accident had all taken their toll on him. When I came along he was older than his years, depressed, and addicted to alcohol and pain medications. His marriage to my mother failed as a result.

As I grew into my teen years and their natural and important rebelliousness, I actively rejected him and his old-fashioned ideas, not to mention the alcohol and drug problems. He was covertly (and

sometimes very overtly) racist and homophobic. Rejection became a lifestyle for me, until frustration with life and my family led me to seek counseling at the tender age of 22.

Therapy was a lifesaver for me. I learned tremendous amounts in those early sessions, and nothing was more important than the thing I struggled most with:

Acceptance.

What I’ve found since then, both in my personal life and in my work with clients, is that acceptance of myself, other people, situations, and events sets people free. You don’t have to agree with or condone whatever it is, but so often simply accepting people and their travails opens up new avenues for understanding, empathy, connection, and even influence. When you’re not sure where to start, accepting yourself and the other person as they are is a great place to start.

Like it did for me and my Dad. Before he died (when I was 26), we had had numerous difficult and very frank talks, the kind that led both of us to greater depth and real acceptance of each other as radically different people who loved each other anyway. We found peace in acceptance despite our differences.

May you find peace with those you struggle to accept. If I could do it, you can, too.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching.

Being Imperfect TogetherFebruary 5, 2015Connections That Make a DifferenceBy Helen Gennari, MSW, LCSW

It was one of the darkest times of my young life, a warm September day and the first month of eighth grade. I walked across the schoolyard among the clamor of children running with energy not fully dissipated with a fifteen minute recess that I had spent sitting in the nearby church. I felt no connection with anyone. I was twelve years old and carried a family secret that no one must ever discover. This barred me from ever forming relationships with any of my classmates.

Half way across the yard, I felt a gentle arm wrap around my shoulder as Sister Adlebert, my teacher, smiled down on me with her warm “How are you doing, Helen?” I wanted to turn and throw myself into her arms. I remember how sad and alone I felt and how much I needed that hug. I smiled up at her. “I’m fine, sister.” That single moment, when I felt her care, sustained me through heavy times of isolation, and is still alive in me today. I have passed that hug on many times since, each an act of connection and concern.

My life has evolved within the context of relationships that have taught me, through pain and through joy, that living is all about relationships and feeling connected, being a part of other lives, something beyond me. Who I am becoming is discovered through these connections that come in a variety of forms and degrees. My connections with the people in my life are enhanced by my relationship with nature: the trees, the animals in my life, the stars and yes, the Universe.

A gentle embrace, a smile that encourages, a word of comfort, a greeting to the stranger at the grocer, a cup of tea offered, a silent presence that holds another’s pain, a compliment, mutual laughter, a shared hymn or anthem~~these are simple experiences of connection that can change us.

I invite you to consciously create a space within your own attentive heart at least once a day, through word or gesture, to feel your shared

connection that allows caring energy to flow through to another person or some part of nature.

Helen Gennari is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker/Psychotherapist who leads discussion groups with seniors at the Shepherd Center, does workshops at Woman’s Place, is a mentor, and an accompanier with the L’Arche community. Her first book is soon to be published. Her passion~~helping people connect in ways that make a difference.

Being Imperfect TogetherFebruary 12, 20155 Ideas for Handling Criticism WellBy Art Maines, LCSW

Dealing with criticism, especially angry criticism, can be a big challenge in all our relationships. Many times people on the receiving end just shut down and go away; still others will “return fire” and find themselves in a full-out argument. Neither response is helpful.

So what can you do if you wind up getting criticized? Here are 5 ideas for your consideration: 1. Listen for the softer emotions under the anger; it often means the person feels hurt in some way. Anger is frequently a secondary emotion. Think of it as a reaction to a softer, more primary emotion underneath. The person may feel shame and humiliation as well as hurt. Remember: People get hurt first, then, they get angry. When you listen for the vulnerable emotion underneath, it’s easier to feel sympathetic toward them. Consider what button you might have pushed and promptly apologize as necessary.

2. Comfort them with kindness. Use empathy and compassion to soothe their anger, hurt, and other softer emotions and help

them return to reasonable mind, the state of mind in which they can listen to you and respond more appropriately. You may even get an apology! Imagine how someone confident and poised would handle the situation. Once you’re through the situation, give yourself credit for handling it well and taking the high road.

3. If you’re just the messenger, agree with the critic. If you’re getting attacked for something beyond your control, say something like, “I know! You’re right, it stinks that ________ happened. I wish it had worked out better, too.” This is redirecting the anger away from you and toward the situation.

4. Don’t get defensive or blame others. Defensive arguments don’t sound logical or reasonable, they just make a person sound tiresome and difficult. Blaming others is even worse; don’t throw someone under the bus.

5. Remember, it’s often not what the other person says, it’s what we hear that causes us problems. If a critical comment pushes a button for you, ask yourself: “What does this comment mean about me?” Many times, the answer will have little or nothing to do with what the other person actually said. Avoid speculation and over-interpretation; they just make us feel worse. Besides, they may be acting out of pain or confusion that has nothing to do with you, or maybe they’re just plain wrong. Remember that criticism frequently says more about the critic than it says about you. Someone’s judgmental remark doesn’t mean the criticism is true, it just means the person is “judgey.” Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common human foible, one that we all have, at one time or another, fallen into ourselves.

It’s never comfortable to be the target of criticism, whatever form it takes. The next time you find yourself in front of a critic, try out one or more of these ideas. Then, with all the patience and forgiveness you can muster, do your best to be a healing presence in that interaction.

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching.

Being Imperfect TogetherFebruary 19, 2015When We Stress, We RegressArt Maines, LCSW

Clients usually come to me in a high state of distress. Their lives are off track, and perhaps their mood and behaviors are limited by problems such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Other times the person seems completely mystified by their difficulties. They know their life isn’t working in some essential way, but they lack insight into the source of the trouble. They wonder what’s wrong with them.

Interestingly, people frequently fail to recognize the ways that stress has worn them down and caused them to fall back into old ways of thinking and behaving. Ways that don’t contribute to reducing or eliminating the problems for which they sought help. In the psychotherapy lingo we often call this “maladaptive;” it doesn’t help them adapt or change their responses and thinking to support a better outcome. I call this falling back into old patterns, “When we stress, we regress.”

This dynamic shows itself in the life of our community at times. If someone with whom you’re interacting is under a stressful burden that is wearing them out, they are much less likely to show up as their best self, the person who can listen patiently, offer support, or come up with a reasonable solution. You may not know it, because they may be very good at hiding, or because they don’t know how to talk about what’s on their mind. Perhaps they are too ashamed to say what’s troubling them. Many times this stress-based regression will show up as your being surprised by the other person’s reaction. It may feel like you’ve just stepped on a rake!

Sometimes, WE are that person.

And therein lies the beginning of how to be a helpful, supportive, and even healing presence when we encounter another member of our community who reacts unexpectedly to us. Ask yourself: What would I need if I were in a stressful situation? What do I perceive that this person might find helpful? In doing so you enact empathy, the ability to identify with and experience, to a greater or lesser degree, the experience of another. Frequently, expressing connection through simple words of support can be more helpful than we realize. Research has shown that, for most people, feeling connected to a caring other reduces signs of distress in the brain and body.

If someone surprises you with a sudden, harsh comment, it’s also right to take care of yourself a bit. Accept that you feel a little hurt or even angry; these are normal and natural reactions to minor rips in your personal connections and reflect healthy self-esteem. The best action might be, after a brief expression of concern and support, for you step away to

disengage. You could also soothe yourself in the face of a surprising reaction with self-talk like this: “_______ must be upset about something else in his/her life. I can let their comment go and not take it personally.” Just to clarify: I AM NOT suggesting that verbal abuse is acceptable. I’m referring here to mild to moderate distress from a tense interaction.

We’ve all been on both sides of the stressed-out coin. Being in a distressed state can cause us to react in ways that don’t show our true nature as good people who strive to interact with kindness and courtesy, and sometimes we are on the receiving end of another’s stress-based regression. Remembering that we’re all imperfect humans trying to relate to others in ways that reflect God’s authentic love returns us to the essence of true community: A place where we are safe, loved, and cherished for our uniqueness and abundant gifts.

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherFebruary 26, 2015

When Buttons are Pushed...

Sue Self, LCSW

I am hopping mad at my mother in law! She has completely misconstrued a situation in a way that makes me look like the bad guy and she, the martyr.

The content of what happened isn't important. She and I have a lot of things that we don't see eye to eye on--as in how Obama is destroying this country, or how I shouldn't drink Pepsi

"because they hire gays, you know". We are not talking about harmless opinions like not wearing white after Labor Day. This isn't political, it's family, which means people I love can be impacted by what happens next.

Since I'm someone who believes that I choose, in every situation, who I'm going to be in it, and how I respond is a reflection of that, I need to ponder my choices here.

I'm asking myself: How do I want people to treat me when I'm eighty something and we don't agree? What do I want to model for my family, even though they're grown up, by the way I manage and resolve difficult relationships? How can I be the most authentic and loving?

Truthfully, for me, it's much, much easier to be authentic and loving when conflict is taking a vacation. God just keeps putting this in front of me.

Considering my options...

Perhaps I should let it go. I just don't seem to be able to do that this time (and believe me, I've done it a bunch of times!)I could post my scathing sentiment on Facebook-- there must be something altogether gratifying in that, so many people seem to freely spout and click "post" with abandon. Though I know no one for whom that has served to heal much. Besides, that's not who I want to be in this.

I could email her. My version of the truth would be in writing, and could not be twisted, right? ..."Dear Helen, your recent decision to misrepresent the situation of 17 February is an indication of your ...". Really. This is not an office spat; this is family. Okay, how about using I statements and feeling words?...."Dear Helen, I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU I CAN ONLY TYPE IN CAPS!!!!" .... I'm thinking that trying to manage my relationship with her electronically is not really all that

conducive to a positive outcome. Its way too easy to be hurtful as well as misunderstood in email and texts.

I could get my husband to talk to her about it. After all, it's his mother, and his wife the injured party. He could rescue me here. I could convince myself that he in fact, should. I'm ashamed to say, I've driven down the "do it for me" road before, and I never wind up where I want to be. He just doesn't say what I want him to say. And, it doesn't hold me accountable to my relationships.

So that leaves me with picking up the phone or ringing her doorbell. Ugh. I won't even go into why the phone isn't an option, other than to say it's not that different from email, just faster. So off I go, my heart in my hand, and my anger doing cartwheels in my stomach.

I'll skip the details. Let me just say there were some moments that were not pretty; there were tears, some angry words, a moment or two that neither of us were at our best. But you know what? She hung in there with me until we were done. Looking back, I'm kind of amazed by that, but really, I could not have hoped for better. Going in with a commitment to authenticity and lovingness doesn't make everything all pretty, but it does help to keep things from exploding. Even when it the conflict is digging in its heels and refuses to dissolve, it's important to walk through it, not around it, to keep talking and attending to each other, and come out the other side. And no one died from it. Sue Self, LCSW, has been a social worker in mental health for more than 20 years. A graduate of Webster University and George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, she currently works for BJC Behavioral Health. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherMarch 5, 2015Messages from Snow-Covered TreesBy Helen Gennari, MSW, LCSW

The tree outside my window is laden with a thick, white blanket of snow. Her branches hold an abundance of silence that calls me into stillness, so I sit and stare into her welcoming softness. I awakened too early on this Sunday morning but I’m grateful for these moments to sit and reflect.

Beyond my tree is a grove of trees whose branches mingle and merge into one mass of snow-covered treeness, no matter that they are oak and locust and maple and pine. Deep beneath the cold, hard earth, their roots likewise intersect with one another. They are all connected in a way that creates support and shares nourishment, while respecting differences.

These thoughts lead me to my family, where each of us is so different, and yet, so connected.

Two days ago, while visiting my sister, I learned of two family members who are at odds and not speaking to each other. Their disagreement, over an issue that has been resolved, is now about hurt, covered by anger that demands distance. Because I love these two individuals, it pains me to watch them ignore each other in a way that nurtures their dis-connection.

I want to fix this and I know what they need to do to re-connect. I can visualize them sitting down together, willing to be vulnerable, talking about what happened, acknowledging their hurt, and saying what they need from each other. Oh, that it were so simple.

I know this is not mine to fix. There are a few things I can do and not do. First, I need to refrain from judging. After all, this can become an experience of learning, of forgiveness, even transformation, for them~~and for me. I will remember that there are two different perspectives clashing, each coming from a different history and each having a different communication skill set. One has an openness to share; the other clams up when feeling hurt because of longstanding un-healed wounds.

What I can do is look at each of them with the same love and understanding, even though I feel like sitting them both down at the table and locking them in the kitchen until they work it out.

When I prepare to leave, I hug each of them with the same acceptance and, secretly pray that they will eventually miss their connection with each other enough, to venture into the process of forgiveness.

Until then, I’ll hold my vision of their hearts softening and melting, the way the snow outside my window is beginning to respond to the sun’s rays.


Being Imperfect TogetherMarch 12, 2015Conflict Resolution – Part 1Anonymous therapist contributor

One of the most difficult dynamics of human interaction is conflict. There can be several feelings associated with conflict but one of them is usually anger. I’d like to address anger and conflict in the next few newsletters in order to help you to better navigate any conflict in which you find yourself.

Let’s try and defuse the notion that anger is always or usually bad. I find it helpful to start with the idea that anger is simply an emotion. It is neither good nor bad. What one does when they are angry can often make this emotion difficult to deal with, but on its own it is just one of our more basic feelings.

Anger comes up for us in a number of situations but it usually presents itself when we perceive a threat, when a boundary is seemingly being violated, or when someone does something that we do not like. Anger is there for a reason. It serves many healthy functions for us if we allow it to do so. It informs us that there is a problem to be addressed and usually gives us the energy and motivation to tackle the problem. It can protect self-esteem.

There are many misconceptions about anger. Some examples:-anger always results in aggression-venting anger is always desirable-anger is hurtful-anger means someone is out of control

Suffice it to say that some of the above examples can be true but aren’t necessarily so. It is what one does when they are angry that is problematic, not the fact that one feels anger. One thing that I find helpful to keep in mind is that anger, like all emotions, comes in many varieties. It exists on a continuum. Strong anger might show up as rage or fury. Milder forms of anger may show up as irritation or annoyance. Anger does not necessarily equal rage or aggression. Research indicates most people get angry several times a week, at a minimum. So learning to recognize that one is angry and how to use that feeling in helpful ways will be my focus in the coming weeks.

Our feelings are like indicator lights on a dashboard. They tell us something needs our attention. If we fail to address the issue that needs our attention with our cars, it will cost us. One thing I’d like to have you keep in mind is that it is okay to feel angry. Most of us learned things about anger that have not helped us in our adult lives. Let’s see if we can try and change some of those patterns in the upcoming weeks.



I’d like to pick up with what we can do on our side when we are in conflict with someone else. There is a formula that I like to keep in mind when expressing any feeling, but particularly one of the many forms of anger we discussed last week. The formula goes like this:

I feel__________________ when you ___________________. There’s more to this formula to be explored next week but for now let’s break open how keeping this formula in mind can help one manage conflict before moving on to resolution.

It is a basic tenet in communication that when I am telling someone else about myself that “I” language be used. I have biases and preferences that others may not have, so it’s important that I take responsibility for mine. We call this term one of ownership. If I have a problem with you, it is I who has, or owns, the problem. I would like the whole world to squeeze toothpaste tubes from the bottom (as God intended) rather than in the middle. Not everyone shares my preference for where toothpaste should be squeezed and that’s okay. But…I like it that way. It is important when in conflict with another person that I take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. That is easier said than done but the good news is that I am not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, or actions of the person with whom I am in conflict.

Secondly, it is usually more helpful to express an emotion than a judgment. I feel irritated when you show up late for Mass is

very different than I feel like you’re a jerk and I feel like you don’t care about me. Now…I may be a jerk and I may not care for you, but those judgments actually become speed bumps on the way to resolving conflict. It is far better to express the emotion that is rising in me and announcing it rather than blaming or accusing the other person for what is my emotional reaction.

Thirdly, when in conflict with another person, describe the behaviors they are, or are not, doing that you get angry about. They can attempt to change their behavior, such as arriving on time for Mass. They cannot change my perception that they’re a jerk or my perception that they don’t care about me. Furthermore, it isn’t their responsibility to change my perception. That’s mine. All the other person can do is change his/her behavior. I find this to be extremely helpful information to keep in mind…when we are angry with someone we are angry about something they did, or failed to do. It is also true that when they’re angry with us, it is about something we did or didn’t do. So it is important to ask someone who is angry/upset/disappointed with us: What would you like me to do differently? Or, what do you want from me? When asking this question, ask the other person to be specific about which behavior they’d rather see me do.

To be continued…



Last week I focused on one way to think about conflict when we are the one presenting the complaint. Let’s look at how to manage conflict when the other person is angry with us, or presenting a complaint to us. A few basic guidelines might be helpful and the ones that I’d like to share with you are:

- Understanding is the most important dynamic in resolving conflict.

- Understanding is not agreement.- In order to reach understanding our egos need to be

temporarily put aside.- We don’t understand until the other person says we do.

When two people are in conflict with one another they too often try to persuade the other about how morally superior their position is. I want to suggest that there are places for persuasion, such as a courtroom or on the campaign trail, but in our community and other close relationships it doesn’t belong. When in conflict with another try to avoid debating whose position is the most right. As a friend of mine once told me, you can be right or you can be in relationship, but you can’t usually be both. Rather than trying to be right or win the argument, let mutual understanding be the goal.

I grew up in a family where half of my relatives were conservative Republicans and the other half were liberal Democrats. It was usually hard for family to reach agreement in the area of politics but I think what they modeled for me is this notion of being able to communicate understanding even

when they didn’t agree. The principle I try to live by is I do not have to agree with people who are close to me but I do have to understand them. I’ve found over the last couple years that often it is the lack of understanding that precipitates the conflict in the first place.

The ego is that part of us that wants what it wants. Our egos tend to engage in what is called defensive listening. Defensive listening is thinking about my rebuttal while you are making your point. Rather than really trying to understand you, I think of my response, which will once again prove the superiority of my position. I believe that one has to make the deliberate and conscious choice to put the ego aside in order to truly be able to understand what the other person in a dispute is saying to us.

In my experience people say they understand the other without checking out if that is true. I find the idea that we don’t understand the other person until they say we do is crucial. Think how much better conflict could go if the person you’re in conflict with communicates understanding or better yet asks you if you feel like they understand. Let the goal be to reach understanding before reaching agreement.

Ultimately relationships are about agreements we make with one another. How can we reach agreement without truly understanding the other person in the relationship? My wife is an introvert and I’m an extrovert. My understanding of that difference keeps me away from trying to find agreement in ways that I know wouldn’t respect her uniqueness. Try to reach understanding. Next week I’ll talk about how to come to some resolution and offer more guidelines to make the process manageable.


Being Imperfect TogetherApril 2, 2015Conflict Resolution – ConclusionAnonymous therapist contributor

Relationships are about many things, but one thing they are certainly about is making agreements. It is one thing to be angry with someone for something they didn’t agree to do but quite another to be angry with someone for something they agreed to do, yet failed to follow through on. When we fail to follow-up on something we agreed to, we should expect the other person to be angry with us. This is the consequence of not following through with agreements. If I went to buy a car and the dealer had increased the sales price from our agreed upon price, I’m probably going to be angry.

The purpose of conflict resolution is to reach agreements. I like to use as a guideline the idea that we should strive to come to an agreement in which each person is reasonably satisfied. I find this to be an attainable goal.

The entire “formula” for expressing any form of anger is this: I feel_______ when you ________. What I’m asking you to do instead is___________. Would you be willing to do that_____? The final space is for their answer.

One common mistake people make is to adhere to the belief that they have no right to ask people to change their behavior.

That’s incorrect. You have the right to ask. What you don’t have the right to is the expectation that they will agree. If I ask the car dealer to give me the car for free, that’s fine. But the expectation that they give it to me for free merely because I ask for it is unreasonable.

Another common mistake people make is the expectation that someone is going to know what we want and therefore we don’t need to ask for it. The expectation that someone can mind-read is unrealistic regardless of how long you’ve been in relationship with the other person. I find it easier to simply ask for what you want, much like asking for a gift for Christmas. The other person will know exactly what you’re asking of them and can answer either yes, or no.

Some final guidelines to managing conflict that I have found to be helpful in my work with couples are the following:-the person who has a gripe is responsible for proposing a solution.-deal with only one gripe at a time. Do not let counter-demands enter the picture. (This is often very hard but perhaps the most efficient way to resolve conflict. Do them one at a time.)-Describe behavior don’t label it. (Example: I’m angry you’re late vs. you’re so inconsiderate)-deal with the conflict asap so that it not turn into a resentment-it is fine to call a timeout in order to think about the conflict. BUT….the person who calls for the timeout should also call time-in.-it is often better to separate understanding of a problem from reaching agreement. One idea is to allow your understanding of the other person’s concern be given time to marinate before attempting to reach agreement.

This contributor is a Clinical Social Worker who has been providing psychotherapy since 1988. In addition, he frequently presents workshops to groups of priests and

religious on topics ranging from communications to family dynamics. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherApril 9, 2015Observing Without JudgmentBy Helen Gennari, MSW, LCSW

When I was a child, I sometimes ran into the woods to escape my father’s violence. I would sit leaning against an old oak tree, listening to the sound of the wind singing through her branches. In her presence, feeling her trunk support my back, as she witnessed my fear and sadness, I felt safe~~comforted~~accepted~~welcomed. This connection with nature saved me.

From this experience, I grew to believe that trees are aware of what goes on around them. It’s not so difficult to imagine that they sense, feel, and observe our presence and perhaps, watch us as we walk or drive past them.

Have you ever hugged a tree? Did you wonder if anyone was watching you? Well, s/he was~~and I suspect s/he loved it.

One thing trees don’t do (I’m fairly sure) is judge us. I can imagine (can’t you) that in their wisdom, they know we’re doing the best we can~~and if not, we’ll hopefully learn, in time, and grow into our better selves

When I judge another person, I create an un-safe, un-welcoming, un-accepting environment ~~pollution within

myself that may overflow into my relationships, especially if I speak that judgment to another person.

My perception of the person I judge is narrowed~~ so that I fail to see who they really are and what they may be carrying. I see only what I disapprove of and, perhaps, what may be a projection of something within me that I have yet to see and accept. When I judge another person, I damage the connection that is so essential to my relationship with that person and ultimately, the larger community.

We have so much to learn from the trees.


Being Imperfect TogetherApril 16, 2015To Say or Not to Say? These Are the Questions.By Art Maines, LCSW

Temptation comes in so many forms. Of course there’s the usual suspects: Food, drink, overspending on the latest want masquerading as a need come to mind, along with a plethora of other distractions. All of us strive to live our lives according to our stated values and aspirations, but…

Temptation also arrives in the form of the urge to spread a story or juicy quote, or perhaps let loose with an ill-conceived

bit of “feedback” that’s just plain hurtful despite our best intentions to merely be helpful.

In my sessions with clients I will often suggest 3 questions to help discern whether it’s a good idea to say something or keep one’s mouth shut. I’ve seen variations on this theme in a number of places, but here are the ones I’ve found most useful, plus a bonus question for those of us in a church community:

1.Is it true?

The solid, healthy basis for any comment, no matter how seemingly innocuous, is the simple question, “Is it true?” Relationship conflict is virtually guaranteed when someone tells a story or offers a comment to another based on a falsehood, whether intentional or unintentional. Not sure if it’s true? Best to not say anything, or check very humbly and carefully for truthfulness: “I heard something that surprised/confused/disturbed me, and I want to check on whether that’s true or not.” Then ask about it.

2.Is it necessary?

If something a person has heard serves no purpose other than having something to talk about, it probably doesn’t need to be said. This is especially true if it’s something from a 3rd or 4th hand source, but even secondhand sources can be suspect. Giving in to the temptation to lay a gratuitous critical comment on someone may also serve no productive purpose beyond asserting one’s own selfish needs to get one over on the target of their words and feel better about themselves in some way.

3. Is it kind?

Applying a kindness standard for talking about someone or giving feedback establishes a strong likelihood of being aligned with “the better angels of our nature.” I’m not referring to the kind of seemingly kind statements such as “Bless her heart,” or “God love her,” delivered right after a cutting remark about someone’s appearance or other personal characteristic. I mean practicing the kind of empathy that asks, “Would I want someone to say that about me in that way?” Real kindness acts from true concern for the other’s wellbeing and feelings, and seeks to support and encourage rather than separate and disparage.

And, the “bonus question:”

4. Will it build a stronger community?

A strong community is based in large measure on the quality and supply of loving safety in the members’ interactions with each other. Safety in the community relational sense refers, in part, to knowing that the others will do their best to be respectful and sensitive to each other in all their dealings, in both good times and bad. It also means that no one makes deliberate attempts to hurt another, and if someone has a bad moment and ends up hurting another, a prompt and full effort to repair the hurt quickly ensues. Asking ourselves if telling a story about someone or giving them a comment will help build a stronger community brings our internal moral compass for relationships into play, and this allows each of us to contribute to the living work of relational art that is a worthwhile aspiration for all of us here at Sts. Clare and Francis.

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He

has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherApril 23, 2015

Saving Grace

Sue Self, LCSW

I have a deep love for the services Catholics have during Holy Week; each is different, with its own flavor and meaning. But every year I am struck by the Holy Thursday service, particularly the washing of the feet. There is no shortage of writings about this ritual, its meaning and symbolism, but I have come to think about it in yet another way.

Jesus washes the feet of the disciples, a lowly task reserved for the least of the servants. Peter objects, saying that he should be washing Jesus’ feet instead. Then Jesus says something that must have further confused Peter: “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me”.

In the way I look at it, He’s saying, at least in one sense maybe, that Peter has to allow himself to be served, or rather, accept being cared for.

When I offer our Caring Ministry to people who are hurting or struggling with something, they often refuse, and sometimes say “someone else needs it more than me” or “I don’t need it; I’ll be all right.” If my thinking about what Jesus said holds any water, they needed it; we all do.

Maybe desperately.

I know, at least in my head, not always in my heart, that this is true, and I am struck by how, maybe particularly at Clare and Francis, we seem more willing to serve than to be served. To wash feet, rather than have them washed.

Not surprising, really. In our culture, to be served, or cared for, carries implications of weakness, or failure, or incompetence. A sense of being needy, unable to fix or care for ourself, or not being as good as others who can. At the very least, it requires us to be vulnerable, to surrender something that protects us, to put ourselves in the hands of another, with no guarantee of safety.

Now, there’s a call. One that brings grace.

Not only that, but consider the idea that one simply cannot serve, would be unable to do what Jesus asks, or to emulate Him, unless someone is willing to be served. In the Caring Ministry, when a person puts their heart in the hands of a minister, I am in awe of the courage they’ve shown in doing so… far more than it takes to be a minister. I am stunned by the resilience, the willingness to accept love and care, the ability to trust, even after the world has beaten them up. What comes up is not pity, nor is it a sense that I am with someone who is weak, needy, or incompetent, but rather the belief that I am in the presence of God’s grace.

In a caring relationship, there is no concept of one being better than the other, no idea that struggling somehow makes one ‘less’, OR that being a minister makes one ‘more’. When we step from doing something to or for the other and move toward sharing it with, it becomes relationship, and what reveals itself then, is both faces of God—the gentle, loving spirit, and the broken, bleeding Savior. God is in love with both, equally. And

calls each of us to receive the grace that comes with living them both, not one or the other.

I write this because I know two things: that I have brothers and sisters at Clare and Francis who are hurting or struggling, and that we have a Caring Ministry, poised to share that journey. I invite both to embrace the gift God calls us to. To wash feet, and have them washed.

Sue Self, LCSW, has been a social worker in mental health for more than 20 years. A graduate of Webster University and George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, she currently works for BJC Behavioral Health. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherApril 30, 2015Choosing Deeper RelationshipClarence Heller, Spiritual Director

(This week we have a special guest columnist who asked to share his vision for how we might relate to each other here at Sts. Clare and Francis, and how we might care for those relationships.)

One of the barometers for spiritual growth is the quality of our relationships with other people, increasing in empathy, acceptance, intimacy and love. Being in community offers opportunities for us to choose to enter more deeply into these relationships. When a member of a community, it is only a matter of time before another member will hurt, disrespect, reject or irritate you in some way, perhaps seriously. This is precisely the opportunity and invitation to grow – by choosing to reconcile.

I have a dream. Namely, that our community would provide not only the opportunities to choose deeper relationship, but also the assistance to navigate those challenges. I have a dream that our ability to grow closer to each other and as a community because of the conflicts that

arise will become a defining characteristic of our community. I have a dream that what we can learn in our community about vulnerability, forgiveness, acceptance and love will spill out to improve our relationships with family members, neighbors and co-workers.

A common response to being hurt is to pull back as a form of self-protection – sitting across the aisle rather than next to the person who hurt you, avoiding a sincere hug at the sign of peace, etc. This distancing can spiral over time, expanding to include other members of our community who have hurt us, and weakening our connection to the community generally. We have the skills, expertise and commitment within our community to help us make the choice, over and over again, to move toward rather than away from each other.

I have a dream that Sts. Clare and Francis will form a Relational Care Team of professionals drawn from our ranks who, when one of us is hurt, could offer personalized suggestions or even meet with both parties to facilitate a healing conversation. All of this would be voluntary in every respect and would be approached with reverence and confidentiality. Perhaps it could be a specialized expression of our already-existing Caring Ministry.

If you share my dream, or have comments about it, please respond to Art Maines at [email protected].

Clarence Heller is a spiritual director, poet and dreamer. He serves as the coordinator for the Week/Month of Guided Prayer, an ecumenical retreat in everyday life ministry.

mailto:[email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherMay 14, 2015A New SeasonBy Helen Gennari

An orange-tinged robin preens among the leaf buds of my locust tree, hopefully also checking out the real estate. There is a network of small branches that would be perfect for her nest. The potential for new life is abundant, with evidence of the passing of those cold, snowy days that sometimes distance us from things we like to do and people we want to be with.

For me, that would be a good friend I haven’t seen for quite a while, not so much because of wintery conditions outside, but because of sparse communication between us that spans a few seasons too many. I’m not sure what happened to cause the distancing but I have no doubt that we care about each other. I sometimes feel angry about her choice not to respond to my notes and calls~~I don’t understand why she is doing this.

No matter how I look at the situation, I am not aware of anything that I have done~~or not done~~that might have caused this breach. Sitting down to talk with her has never been a likely solution as she resists getting together. Sometime I have doubted the wisdom of continuing to expect reconciliation and have even considered simply letting go of the relationship. But I love her and I value the connection we’ve had. I want to find a way to reconcile.

Recently, it occurred to me that maybe I do need to let go, not of the relationship, but let go of how I think about it. Something our George said in one of his homilies got me to thinking about the sacred space we create when we slow down and breathe deeply, consciously. Tara Brach, in her book Radical Acceptance, calls this the “sacred pause.” There, in that sacred space, something happens with my vision. I can see things in slow motion, with a greater breadth, and at greater depths. I can see more of what I overlook when I speed through my day, hardly aware of what my heart is capable of.

In this slowed-down space of breathing and connecting with myself, I am more likely to hear the guidance that says~~let go of those irritable, judging thoughts. Let go of the story about how she’s not responding. Release the negative energy these thoughts create and let there be space for something new, a different story, one that sees her through the eyes of compassion. Maybe her own life struggles hold her in a different place, or maybe she’s just not ready to reconnect~~or maybe there are lessons here for both of us to learn.

From this new perspective, it’s not so difficult for me to continue to periodically reach out to her, with no expectations, simply to let her know I still love her. I can even envision myself sending loving energy from my heart to hers and trusting that this can make a difference, opening my heart to acceptance, no matter the outcome. All things are possible.

So, for now, I’ll heed the lesson of the seasons that tell me~~ the winter thaw has passed and it’s time to enjoy the beauty of the moment, of new possibilities.

Helen Gennari is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker/Psychotherapist who leads discussion groups with seniors at the Shepherd Center, does workshops at Woman’s Place, is a mentor, and an accompanier with the L’Arche community. Her first book is soon to be published. Her passion~~helping people connect in ways that make a difference. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherMay 21, 2015An Essential Choice: Forgiveness or ResentmentBy Art Maines, LCSW

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”

~ Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiving is one of the hardest things we face in our relationships. People hurt us and make us angry with an array of thoughtless, rude behaviors. Sometimes they hurt us intentionally, either out of a desire for revenge or just to feel strong and powerful. How can we forgive them? Far too often, it seems, it’s easier just to nurse a resentment out of the misplaced desire to “protect” ourselves or have something to hold over the other’s head in a desperate bid for power.

Sometimes we can’t or won’t forgive, and sometimes perhaps we shouldn’t, especially if that opens us up to dangerous abuse or other unsafe situations. Most of the time, however, we can end up cutting ourselves off from surprising healing available to us by choosing resentment over forgiveness. Far too many lives (and communities) have been ruined by resentment and bitterness than just about any other emotions.

In 2006 the Amish stunned the world with the way they chose to respond to the horrific massacre of 5 young girls in a small, rural schoolhouse. Eschewing the impulse for revenge and bitterness, instead they showed the world the power of grace and forgiveness in the face of a monstrous act by not only forgiving the gunman, but also by reaching out to his family and donating money to help them.

The Amish ability to forgive was rooted in their compassion: They recognized that the shooter was a deeply troubled, even mentally ill person. This is an extreme example that illustrates an essential truth in

the practice of forgiveness, the ability to shift perspective and put ourselves, as much as we can, in the offender’s shoes.

Thankfully, we are not likely to encounter someone as broken as the man in Pennsylvania, but we do encounter what I call our “everyday brokenness.” All of us have had a difficult past in some way, and this pain and confusion we carry can insert itself into an interaction before we even realize it. Have a hard time with the “control freak” at church? Maybe that person carries the pain of a chaotic and unstable childhood, one in which the only certainty was the one he or she created and guarded with terrible ferocity. Compassion helps us see the person as hurting, sad, or confused rather than stupid, crazy, or mean. Compassion can also prevent the all-too-common impulse in a church community to run away rather than work it out.

Here’s a challenge for you:

Reflect on who in your life, perhaps especially in our community here at Sts. Clare and Francis, do you have the hardest time with? Who has hurt you and perhaps made you want to leave the community that has meant so much to you? What would you need to be able to dialogue with them in the spirit of reconciliation? Can you imagine them as a person who is hurting from old wounds? If it were possible that working things out with them could deepen your connection to God, would you do it?


Being Imperfect TogetherMay 28, 2015You’re Part of A Community—Lucky You!By Art Maines, LCSW

I have to admit something: I have been very skeptical of religious communities for a long time. Maybe it was growing up in Texas and having to deal with an abundance of earnest but annoying people trying to “save me,” or being an only child and thus being quite comfortable entertaining myself. Whatever the source, being a part of a religious community wasn’t part of my life plan.

And then my beloved husband got back into the priesthood in the ECC, and religious community sprang to the forefront of our life. What I had kept at a comfortable distance was now a regular feature of our weekly routine.

I was less than thrilled.

As time went on, however, I came to appreciate the qualities and goodness that being a part of our religious community has brought to my (and our) life. I feel a part of a genuinely loving community striving, however imperfectly, for inclusion and making a difference in the world. I’m gratified to see the emphasis on action and deeper spiritual connection at work at Sts. Clare and Francis, especially the importance we place on an adult spirituality that includes a strong element of personal experience of the Divine.

All of which has led my curiosity to do a little research on the benefits of being a part of a religious community. Here’s a brief summary of what I’ve found:

Benefits of Being a Part of A Religious Community

Better longevity overall. Fewer and less severe colds and flu. Better survival rates for illnesses.

Less isolation. One cardiologist compares social isolation to smoking, calling loneliness “the new tobacco” in terms of its negative health effects.

Being a part of a community may actually make our country stronger. Harvard researcher Robert Putnam wrote in his book, Bowling Alone, that social ties are not just personally beneficial, but evidence suggests they increase engagement in pro-democracy behaviors such as voting.

Involvement in a religious community may also help make the world a better place. Authors and researchers such as George Lakoff and Bill McKibben assert that empathy, a major positive effect of being a part of a healthy community, contributes to both progressive social change and sustainability. I’m so proud of SCF for the importance we place on empathy as well as both of those broader efforts.

Personally, I’ve come a long way since the early days of SCF. I still enjoy my alone time and solitary pursuits, and probably always will. At the same time, I have come to love the sense of belonging to a community that, despite its sometime failings and imperfections, is committed to a journey together rooted in love, solid principles, and backed by an ever-growing body of research. Lucky me!

You, too, are part of our community. Lucky you!

Want to read more about the benefits of community? Here are a couple of links for you:

http://bewell.stanford.edu/features/social-ties-good-health

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/10-unexpected-benefits-real-community




http://bewell.stanford.edu/features/social-ties-good-health

Being Imperfect TogetherJune 4, 2015“We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.” By Helen Gennari

The loss of a limb, human or otherwise, is a significant severance. Some weeks ago, when I looked out my window, I discovered that a major limb had been removed from my tree. It was the limb that, for the past seventeen years, I have watched grow closer to my deck, and, as of last year, could finally reach out and touch. But this spring, it did remain bare while the other branches greened gleefully.

Now, all that remains is the round, open space from which it was disconnected by someone’s saw, the only evidence that it even existed. For weeks I have gazed at that open wound with sadness and tried to adjust to the large, open space between me and my tree. I have focused only on my loss.

This morning, as I reflected on the tree’s loss of its limb, I shifted my perspective to the whole tree, and felt such gratitude for its presence, that it’s still here, shading my deck, holding the nest of robins residing there, and hosting a variety of song birds, including the cardinal that sang to me last night.

It occurred to me that how I look at a situation, or person, or event makes such a difference in how I experience them. How I look at you and what I choose to see either allows me to feel connected (or sense the potential for connection) or not. There are so many factors that influence how I look at another and what I see. And all of this is within my control. I can choose what I will see or focus on when I look at a person, situation, or event. What I choose to see (or not) colors the inside of my heart~~and is revealed in how I am feeling and how I choose to respond.

So I ask myself:

Do I take the time to really look at the other?

What catches my attention? What do I first notice?

Am I pre-disposed to see certain things if the person is ethnically / culturally different?

Do I take the time to see more than the external qualities?

Am I intimidated by what I see? How, then, do I respond?

Is my seeing accompanied by judgment?

What interferes with my vision as I look at someone with whom I’ve had a disagreement?

Does how I look at the other exclude them from my heart?

We see, not just with our eyes but also with our mind and our heart and our soul. In our seeing, we also define much of our life, including ourselves. We are observers, and through our observations, we become aware, we learn, and we are able to choose. In our choosing, we create much of our experience, which then reflects something of who we are and how we are in relationship to who/what we observe. The anonymous author of the quote that forms the title of this article was right: “We see them as we are.”

“Whatever we call reality, it is revealed to us only through an active construction in which we participate.” (The Quantum Self)


Being Imperfect TogetherJune 11, 2015Disagreement, Respect, and Our Political Differences, Part 1By Art Maines, LCSW

It’s no news flash that political divisions in our country have reached a toxic level. Stories about gridlock in Congress, ugly protests, and far too much name-calling have filled the media. Many people simply tune out the harsh rhetoric, choosing instead to “live in the bubble” of their

particular political affiliation (or lack thereof). Many people report a sense of hopelessness about the whole system, feeling it to be broken beyond repair.

A degree of this division shows up here at Sts. Clare and Francis, too. We tend to skew heavily in one direction in our political orientation, similar to the city and county where we live, and many of us can make the easy mistake of assuming that the other person with whom we are speaking or having dinner thinks the way we do.

That assumption, like so many others in life, often proves incorrect.

Without really meaning to, we may fall into the mistake of inadvertently offending our fellow community member with an idle comment about a news item or pressing issue. This is especially true when we label, judge, or name-call “those people” from the other side.

The answer lies not in avoiding all disagreement. Healthy families, groups, and communities know and practice the ideal of disagreement as a means to foster deeper understanding and airing of differences, with an intention of coming to a reasonable and respectful position rooted in acceptance of difference as part of the diversity of life.

Disagreement does not have to mean disrespect, disregard, or animosity; it can, in fact, open us to broader perspectives and fuller appreciation for nuance and heretofore-unrealized viewpoints. It can (and does) contribute to better problem-solving and more optimal solutions.

Perhaps a larger part of the “answer” is in the practice of respect. But what does that mean?

We’ll look at that next time.


Being Imperfect TogetherJune 18, 2015Disagreement, Respect, and Our Political Differences, Part 2By Art Maines, LCSW

Last week we looked at the presence of political differences in our community and how we can make the mistaken assumption that others think the way we do. We also considered that disagreement can contribute to positive outcomes. This week we will examine the practice of respect.

Definitions of respect vary somewhat widely, and for our purposes I want to zoom in on one in particular:

“Respect is a way of treating or thinking about someone. You show respect by being polite and kind.” (from Vocabulary.com)

As you can infer, this means we regard the other highly, or think much of them, when we respect them. It brings to mind words and qualities such as esteem, value, and the Greek word philia, meaning close friendship or brotherly love. Philia is one of the four types of love in the Bible.

Our political beliefs and feelings are very personal, forming as they do from our family of origin, our own life experiences, and even, according to some researchers, from differences in how we’re wired neurologically. It’s great when we interact with others who share our political ideals, because then we feel validated and part of a group. Feelings like that are especially appealing to the older, deeper part of our brain that loves to connect with like-minded others because we are social creatures.

Respect is also an example of an attitude, which refers to a complex state of beliefs, feelings, values, and dispositions to act in certain ways. When we talk about the practice of respect, we mean how we enact our beliefs and values that “All are welcome here at Sts. Clare and Francis.”

Handling the feelings part of the equation can be tricky for people, and usually our behaviors flow most naturally from our feelings. In terms of human development, beliefs and values reflect our higher, more recently evolved brain functions, whereas feelings and behaviors spring from older, deeper parts of ourselves and our “wiring.” This means that we are challenged to handle our feelings and behaviors from the higher parts of our brain, the seat of compassion, empathy, beliefs, and values.

So how do we do this? Essentially, this is what we in psychotherapy call self-soothing. It may the first step to practicing respect.

First comes awareness. Pay attention to how your body reacts in an interaction with someone with whom you differ. You may feel tightness, heat, anxiety, the urge to run or attack, or any number of other symptoms. Use these reactions as a signal to take your time and loosen your muscles, take a breath, or shift your body’s position to a more open stance.

Once you are aware of the tendency to react strongly and, perhaps, harshly to political differences, you can slow down and use self-talk to remind yourself that difference is not threatening, and it doesn’t have to be your job to try to force the other person to see things your way. Remind yourself that reasonable people can disagree on politics and remain good companions and valued members of your church community. Think of a positive experience you’ve had with the person, or one you’ve observed another person have, and hold that thought for 12-15 seconds. That length of time is what brain researchers and authors have determined is optimal for shifting out of a negative mindset and beginning to literally change the brain in a more desirable direction.

Another useful tactic is one I use with couples who are having a hard time with conflict: “Find the understandable part.” Maybe you vehemently disagree with someone’s choice of a presidential candidate or position on an issue, but challenge yourself to go deeper. The vast majority of people (especially here at Sts. Clare and Francis) actually do care about our city, state, country, the poor, etc., but they differ on how to solve problems. Looking for the understandable part, even something as basic as presuming they care about the issue, allows your emotions to

shift to a more peaceful state. Then, nudge yourself into a curious, open state to ponder whether there might be a small area of agreement between the two of you. If there is, great! If there isn’t, tell yourself it’s no big deal and you’ll agree to disagree.

There’s much more to write about this topic, but the essential truth remains: Practicing respect means treating others with whom you disagree politically as more than just their views. It means treating them as valuable, worthwhile members of our church family with whom we are journeying towards wholeness and greater wellbeing. I propose that respect is our North Star, guiding us on our course for building community that welcomes the gifts of diverse thinking and worldviews.


Being Imperfect TogetherJune 25, 2015Share Your Wealth With the CommunityBy Art Maines, LCSW

Don’t worry, this isn’t some sort of fundraising request.

What I’m writing about here is sharing your emotional wealth with our fellow community members. What do I mean by this? Here are 3 signs you’re an emotionally wealthy person:

1. You choose to be happy as much as you can.

Emotionally wealthy people understand that emotions are real, but not true. They know that emotions are an important way we experience the world, but they are highly temporary and don’t necessarily reflect some absolute truth. With that in mind, they know they can shift their experience by shifting their interpretation of an event. Somebody did something thoughtless? It’s the wealthy person’s choice: Either go in the direction of anger, bitterness, and

unforgiveness, or go towards patience, forgiveness, and happiness. Emotionally wealthy folks know and practice the shift in how they look at emotions in the direction of more happiness, and then spread that through the power of their presence. Challenge yourself to try this the next time you’re feeling down or upset.

2. You treat people how you would like to be treated.

Yep, the good old Golden Rule still applies in the 21st century. Emotionally wealthy people recognize that when others treat people in needlessly mean or unkind ways it reflects a lack of self worth and self-confidence. They also understand that if you want to be treated in kind and nice ways you treat others the same way. Of course, this is a cornerstone of being in community.

3. You practice gratitude in thought and action.

You’re emotionally wealthy when you live as much as you can in gratitude. You know that the more you act and think from being grateful, the more likely you are to receive all kinds of good things from a variety of directions. Researchers have found that dwelling in gratitude significantly improves mood. Saying “thank you” and showing gratitude by giving generously of your time in reciprocal acts of kindness shares the wealth with those around you.

Emotional wealth is a different way of experiencing abundance in the world and relationships. We’re extraordinarily wealthy here at Sts. Clare and Francis in so many ways—faith, talent, generosity of resources, skills, compassion for the poor and less-privileged, and many others. I invite you to consider and reflect on your emotional wealth as one of your most precious gifts you share with your church family and the world.

Now go spread your wealth around.

Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching. Have a

comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherJuly 2, 2015The Stories We Tell OurselvesBy Art Maines, LCSW

Don’t you love a good story? Since the beginning of human history we have told stories of valor, tragedy, humor, and inspiration, among others. Storytelling was the original technology for passing down the history of our people; it’s the way we make sense of the world and deepen experience and relationship.

We mostly swim in a sea of stories, both internal and external. We observe or experience a person or event, paying attention to, missing, or outright ignoring parts of the overall event and then making up a story to explain the whole thing to ourselves. It’s fascinating, for example, how eyewitnesses to an event can give vastly different accounts of it.

What’s at work here is subjectivity, our knack for evaluating the world and other people according to how they make us feel. At its most basic, we either feel good or bad. From there, we all create stories about the person’s motivations and reasons for doing what they do, especially when we have a difficult or “bad” interaction.

The reality is we can never really know what another person’s true intentions are, but we spin a yarn to make sense of the situation. We end up on thin ice when we react to them based on what we imagine are the reasons for whatever it is they’re doing to us or to others. Then, because of our own assumptions about them, they seem react to us in the same way, confirming our opinion of them because of our own story about them. Confusing, huh? That’s why it’s so hard for us to step outside our own stories.

The biggest trap within our subjective-storytelling is our habit of personalizing too often. We think the behavior is about us, when most of the time it’s much more about the other. For example, even if that lady’s quietness was about something you said, it may have much more to do

with her own uncertainty about her ability to respond rather than your being rude or insulting.

The healthy way out of this thicket is to make sure you pay attention to what psychologists and counselors call the “functional facts” of the situation. Doing this helps you steer clear of speculating about things you can’t see or understand, such as the other person’s motives. We are on stronger ground when we answer questions about the who, what, where, when, and how of behaviors and stay out of the why.


Being Imperfect TogetherJuly 9, 2015The 5 Faces of ReasonablenessBy Art Maines, LCSW

Lately I’ve been watching a training video on dealing with difficult people, especially those whom the workshop leader calls “manipulators.” These are the ones who seek to get others to do what they want in sneaky or self-serving ways. This topic has great applicability for both my work with seniors vulnerable to scams/frauds as well as my overall clinical work with clients and couples.

I’m especially appreciating the trainer’s coverage of what he calls the manipulator’s “deficiency in reasonableness.” I think his material also instructs those of us trying to get along in a community. He describes 5 abilities that make up the desirable and community-sustaining quality of reasonableness, or the ability to use reason to work out problems:

1. Humility

This gives us the ability to accept the possibility we are wrong. When we are being reasonable our position is, “I could be wrong,

you could be right, let’s talk.” Reasonable people with healthy humility can deal with being wrong if being right means ignoring the truth. It’s uncomfortable to be wrong, but a reasonable person will admit it because being truthful is more important to them than being right. I often say to couples with whom I’m working, “Would you rather be right or be married?”

2. Awareness

Awareness lets us see where we are actually wrong. The reasonable person says, “I see where I am wrong.” They appreciate their strengths and understand their weaknesses, and they have the ability to make self-observation, self-monitor, and self-correct. Relationships are often like mirrors, reflecting back to us both the good and bad parts of ourselves. Reasonable people are courageous enough to look in the mirror through the feedback that relationships provide and use it to grow.

3. Conscience

Reasonable people have a healthy conscience, which means our personal mistakes and times when we’re wrong bother us, evoking the “cringe response.” This is when we notice our error and feel uncomfortable with it, rather than having a response that says, “If I’m wrong, so what?” That discomfort we feel provides the motivation to change our behavior.

4. Empathy

A big part of empathy in this framework is being bothered by the way our error or being wrong hurts the other. It lets us step into the shoes of the other and understand the effect we have on them, and then use that understanding to guide our responses. The reasonable person’s stance here is “It bothers me when my wrongness hurts you.”

5. Responsibility

Literally the “ability to respond,” this refers to the act of correcting a mistake or wrongdoing. The reasonable person feels disturbed with his flaws or mistakes and adopts the attitude of “When I’m wrong, I’ll change.” The change can be a clean apology, a behavior change, or some other course correction that, ideally, the two people involved in the exchange work out together. Co-creating agreements is the basis for most successful recoveries after an issue arises.

The good news is that all of these faces of reasonableness are like muscles, according to the speaker. With attention and practice, we can all get better at being more reasonable in all our relationships.

The payoffs are huge. I see them every day.

(Inspired by the work of Dr. Alan Godwin, author of How to Solve Your People Problems: Dealing with Your Difficult Relationships).


Being Imperfect TogetherJuly 16, 2015How Easily We ForgetBy Helen Gennari, MSW, LCSW

There’s something almost mysterious about the early hours of the morning, just before the dawning of a new day. The dregs of the night are forgotten in light of the promise of new hours to try, once again, to meet the unfinished challenges of yesterday.

My tree, kissed by the morning breeze, waves to me through the window as I finish my coffee and ponder the lists spread on the kitchen

table. So much to do. My mind races through the multitude of chores, creating the story I’ll tell myself if I fail to accomplish all of it. Just like that, I’m caught up in the “doing” that goes with managing one’s life.

My musings are interrupted with the ringing of the nearby church bells, calling those of us awake to a morning reflection. Suddenly I’m brought back to my experience at church yesterday. I am remembering the conversation I had with a community member that began simply with “How are you doing?” My question was received with a warm smile. A door seemed to open, and I was welcomed into the life of someone I hardly know.

There were sacred moments of listening and discovery, of connecting and sharing an inkling of her challenges, her family, her hopes, and her faith. I was drawn into her story and felt a kinship that made me want to cheer her on and check back again soon to see how things are proceeding. I realized that, now, her life mattered to me, in a way it could not before our conversation.

I also realize that no amount of “doing” can replace the meaningfulness of “being” with another whose burdens we never suspect, whose faith can light the way for our own struggling journey. I am richer for having had this conversation because it reminds me of our connection with each other.

Priscilla Stuckey, in her book Kissed By A Fox, tells us: “We forget that our fate is intertwined with that of others, our good life dependent on the good life of myriad others….without continual reminders, we tend to forget the connections that bind all together in a single interwoven web.”


Being Imperfect TogetherJuly 23, 2015The Art of Listening, part 1By Art Maines, LCSW

How well do you listen? The Chinese character below captures some important clues to effective listening:

The left side depicts an ear, the instrument of human hearing based on sound waves. More important, however, is what the right side of the character says, beginning with you.

Eye contact is an essential piece of listening to someone, since it signals your presence. As you attentively gaze upon them, you bring the power of the statement “The eyes are the windows of the soul” into your connection. Most often the person to whom you’re listening will feel valued when you look at them in a kind and open manner.

Undivided attention is hard for us these days, what with all the sounds and demands for attention from electronics and other stimuli in our distraction-riddled world. Yet undivided attention conveys your respect and regard for the other in a

powerful way. Think about those times when someone you were talking to gave you their undivided attention—how did that feel? Conversely, how did it feel when the person you were trying to converse with was looking at their phone or some other gadget?

Finally, the character above brings in the heart, the seat of compassion and empathy. Good listening always involves heartfelt concern and interest in the other’s experience, a desire to understand as best we can what it’s like to walk in their shoes.

This brings us to the art and practice of active listening. More about that next time.


Being Imperfect TogetherJuly 30, 2015The Art of Listening, part 2By Art Maines, LCSW

Last week we started considering the art of listening, taking a look at the Chinese character expressing the thought, “to listen.” We explored the essential ingredients in good listening, including your full presence and undivided attention. Now we will go deeper into active listening.

This style of listening combines an active practice of bringing your presence, your undivided attention, and your compassionate heart into your conversations and exchanges with others, in addition to gentle paraphrasing of what the other person said to check for understanding. Here are 5 Guides for Active Listening:

1. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.2. Accept the person’s story as what’s real for them.3. Give your undivided attention to the speaker.4. Use silence effectively.5. Paraphrase skillfully.

Seeking to understand before you seek to be understood is a beautiful part of the much-beloved Prayer of St. Francis. This simple step puts you in the intent to learn, which opens your mind and heart to the other. It’s a lovely way to foster safety and pave the way for closer relationship.

Accepting the person’s story as their reality furthers your empathic connection to them. When practiced with authenticity it further strengthens the safety of the connection by forestalling inadvertent domination of the other. We’ve all probably heard someone say, “You don’t feel that way!” or some other well-meaning but dismissive statement. In relationships, perception is reality.

Giving your undivided attention to the other person directly addresses one of the 2 basic questions we seek to answer in many friendships and all intimate relationships: Do I matter? Paying full attention to your friend or loved one speaks volumes about their importance and value to you, the listener. Another benefit of giving your undivided attention is you can catch the speaker’s body language and facial expressions,

which experts agree comprises much of the communication that occurs between people. Using silence effectively is truly an art. Silence in a conversation can powerfully communicate what words fail to accomplish. It begins with simply not interrupting the other, and then moves into realms where meaning comes through in what is not said more than what is actually spoken. Many people feel discomfort when the other is silent, but it may be that the other person is merely gathering their thoughts or searching for just the right word to convey a subtle shade of meaning. Letting them take their time with a difficult thought or emotion while you remain silent signifies respect.

Paraphrasing is the aspect of active listening that most people think of first. It’s the gentle repeating back of the other person’s words, not in a parrot-like fashion, but in a way that indicates you have been listening and grasping their meaning. “What I hear you saying is ____” is the classic form a paraphrase takes, but it can be as skillful as just repeating a strong, emotionally-loaded word or two the other person used. For example, someone might say how sad they are that their mother has been diagnosed with a serious illness. It might sound odd to say, “ What I heard you say is that you are sad because your mother is sick.” More skillful could be something like this: “Deep sadness.” This is hard to convey in writing, but it’s sometimes enough just to speak the strong emotions the other expresses. This demonstrates that you not only “get” their emotions, but you “get” them.

I encourage you to pay attention to your listening skills, reflecting on how well you feel you did after a conversation with someone you care about. Everyone can improve their listening, and the rewards to you and your relationships will be enormous.


Being Imperfect TogetherAugust 6, 2015Fear Keeps Us AliveAnonymous therapist contributor

The folk singer Pete Seeger shared a story about a friend of his, another folk singer by the name of Lee Hayes, with whom he co-wrote the tune “If I had a Hammer.” According to Pete Seeger, Lee once said “The older I get the more interesting my mind becomes. I don’t always agree with it but it becomes more interesting.”

There’s a part of your brain where a little clump of tissue known as the amygdala resides. It is the fear center of the brain. Interestingly enough it is nestled next to a part of our brain that is responsible for memory storage and retrieval called the hippocampus. This cannot be by accident. The brain needs to remember those things that have posed a threat in the past to our survival so that it can avoid them in the future.

Every cell in the human body has one basic function and that is to survive. Of the amygdala’s many functions, the most basic is that it helps us to survive by alerting us to change in the internal and external environment. It lets us know that something is scary. It reacts to change giving credence to that old adage that “all change is scary.” Conversely, it is calm when things are predictable and familiar.

When we look at footage of the first plane hitting the World Trade Center building we notice the crowd stopping and looking in the direction of the sound. This happens without conscious thought. The brain has to react immediately to a potential danger, and an unexpected noise will startle us and we will immediately scan the environment for

the origin of the noise. If a door slams and startles us we will scan the environment. If we find that it is the wind closing a door we immediately calm down. Not so much if it’s Freddie Kruger.

Without the amygdala we would all have died long ago. We wouldn’t be afraid to cross the street without looking. We might actually stand in the middle of the street admiring the beauty of the car that is about to introduce us to the pavement.

In Romans 7:15 St Paul notes “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do.” If St Paul were a client of mine I would tell him “Paulie. Paulie, baby your amygdala is in your way.” Have you ever noticed how we are all like Paul, doing things we don’t want to do and not doing the things we want? I would argue your brain is working the way it is supposed to, namely trying to keep the status quo.

When we attempt to change a behavior that we have practiced for a long time, the typical reaction is our anxiety goes up. Since we want to survive our brain tells us to avoid the thing that is causing our anxiety to increase. What we have to ask ourselves is “Is this thing that is scaring me something I really want to avoid or is it something I really want to overcome?” When we learned to ride a bike or learned to swim we had to learn to overcome the fear associated with those new behaviors.

Similarly, if we are contemplating something that is scary to us we can ask ourselves the same question…”Is that a kiddie pool or a lion’s mouth?” How to overcome those things that scare us will be the subject of next week’s article.


Being Imperfect TogetherAugust 13, 2015Is That A Kiddie Pool or a Lion’s Mouth?Anonymous therapist contributor

As I mentioned in last week’s article, fear keeps us alive. It also keeps us imprisoned. Have you ever wondered how a person, whom we will call Zelda, manages to find herself in a series of poor relationships? Sometimes the answer is not that Zelda picks the wrong person but rather that she is picking someone whose behavioral patterns are predictable or familiar to Zelda.

Remember, the brain is at rest when life around us is familiar. Tarzan was able to live among the apes, but put him in the choir at Sts. Clare and Francis and he will be out of his element (save for the high notes he might hit). The emotional reaction Tarzan, Zelda, or any one of us has when we are in an unpredictable situation is fear. The fear may be low-level or extraordinarily high, but it is a fear reaction nonetheless. Here’s the kicker…our brain will react with a fearful response even if we are trying to change something for the better. Do you get that? Even the positive changes you wish to make will elicit a fear reaction.

Even though one part of Zelda’s brain, the rational part, tells her she needs to pick healthier people, the act of change will bring about a fearful response. There is an adage in psychotherapy that goes like this…we teach people how to treat us. That is, we teach them what we are comfortable with.

So if you feel completely discouraged and want to just pull the covers over your head and eat Ding Dongs until the apocalypse, fear not! Well…be fearful if you want, but remember there is hope.

My father didn’t learn to swim until he was forty years old. He was never taught how, and though he wanted to be able to swim, water

scared him. More accurately, drowning scared him, but you get my point. What one needs to do when they have been unsuccessful at change is a three-step process.

First assess the thing you want to change and ask yourself is it a kiddie pool or a lion’s mouth? That is, is it the sort of fear I want to overcome or not? Most of us do not have to overcome the fear of putting our head in a lion’s mouth; though as you know that can be attained. The fears most of us are confronted with are similar to the fear of drowning. If you decide the fear you want to overcome is like the fear of drowning, you are ready for step two.

Step two is learning to manage your anxiety. One can overcome most phobias by doing some version of the following: Let’s imagine you cannot swim. It is far better to begin with something simple and safe like the kiddie pool, swimming with an inner tube, or having an instructor nearby.

To manage your anxiety, rate it on a scale of 1-10. If it is high enough, slowly introduce yourself one step at a time to that thing that scares you. Stay in the kiddie pool, for example, until your anxiety is manageable and then move onto the next step, such as dangling your feet of the pool in the shallow water.

Some things you may assess as a fear you don’t care if you ever overcome, such as an irrational fear of James Caan movies. Just don’t watch them (though you’d miss out on a few goodies if I might say so myself, e.g. Brian’s Song, The Godfather, and El Dorado). It is important for you to be honest with yourself and be able to name the things you don’t care to change.

The final step is The Serenity Prayer; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Courage comes from an Old French word and means “whole-hearted.” Courage does not mean the absence of fear, it means going forward, perhaps one small step at a time, and challenging those things that we fear.


Being Imperfect TogetherAugust 20, 2015Patience Now! Part 1By Art Maines, LCSW

Patience is such a revered quality, appearing as it does across virtually all faith traditions and in philosophical teachings. For example, the Bible in Thessalonians says that we should “Be patient with all. See that no one returns evil for evil; rather, always seek what is good for each other and for all.”

Be that as it may, that doesn’t make it any easier to be patient, either with others’ or our own faults and shortcomings. There’s not a person I’ve met (including myself) who hasn’t proclaimed, “It’s so hard to be patient!” We want what we want, and we want it NOW! Sometimes what we want is for the other person to do, think, or be what we want them to.

Think of patience as our ability to endure under difficult circumstances. This can take the form of delay, as when we don’t get what we want (the test results, the clear answer, the job offer, e.g.) soon enough. Patience can also mean the capacity to endure provocation or irritation without giving in to negativity such as annoyance or anger, and blowing up or acting out in some other way.

There’s an intimate link between patience or impatience and our expectations. When someone violates our expectations for how they should be, we feel it as “off,” or uncomfortable. We

want them to comply with our inner “shoulds.” The conflict creeps in when we demand or insist they comply with our often-unspoken preferences, especially without ever talking about them.

When I can, I try to think of difficult people as “patience teachers.” They’re just doing what they do, whatever annoying thing that might happen to be. It’s so tempting to say or think things like, “If they would just_____, we wouldn’t be having this problem!” And you might be right; things would be different if they were different. But, that’s not what’s really happening, and remember that acceptance is the first step in handling the problem. Anything else and we’re resisting, which is basically arguing with reality.

Funny thing is, reality always wins.

So what can we do to be more patient? More about that next time. (Yes, you have to be patient!).


Being Imperfect TogetherAugust 27, 2015Patience Now! Part 2By Art Maines, LCSW

Last week we touched on the special place patience has in virtually all of the world’s religions and philosophies. We also defined patience as the ability to endure under difficult circumstances such as delay, provocation, and irritation without succumbing to negativity and outbursts. We considered the intimate connection between patience and expectations.

Now we turn our attention to the “how” of being patient, which in the field of counseling and psychotherapy refers to “frustration tolerance.” How can we become more patient with others and ourselves?

First, take a few moments to ponder your patterns of patience and impatience. When are you capable of more patience? Conversely, what are your impatience triggers? If you choose it, everything is a chance to grow, to learn more about yourself and how you view the world. Most of the time you have the power to modify or eliminate the sources of unease and impatience in your world.

Next, reflect on your current life and expectations. A lifestyle that’s filled with too many activities in too short a time span, or a mindset full of unattainable expectations is fertile ground for the weeds of impatience to take root. How can you simplify your life to live in greater peace?

A more active way to cultivate patience is by deliberately putting yourself in mildly uncomfortable situations. Try picking the longest line at the grocery store. Talk to the person who loves to go on and on. Then, pay attention to the chatter in your mind. It often goes something like this:

“This is terrible! I can’t stand it!”

“I’ve got to get out of here!” “This is unfair!” “They’re stupid/wrong/crazy”

Notice also what happens in your body. You’ll probably feel tense, nervous, angry, or a combination of all that and more.

Then, loosen any tightness in your body and soothe your mind and emotions with thoughts centered on your ability to handle discomfort. Expect the unexpected, and meet it with humor if at all possible. If a person is the trigger for your impatience, this is the time to draw on your wellspring of compassion. Many people find a deep breathing practice can be helpful here, too. Prayer is another big help, especially a prayer to be a peaceful presence in the situation at hand.

Fostering a sense of patience with yourself and others is a pathway to deeper knowledge, maturity, and wisdom. It’s not always easy, but the outcome is serenity and wellbeing. You, our community, and the world deserve it.


Being Imperfect TogetherSeptember 3, 2015Disconnection ~~ The Need For ForgivenessBy Helen Gennari, LCSW

Despite the rumble of thunder and a gently falling rain, a lone house finch sits at the birdbath and sings as though all is well with the world. I envy his care-freeness because all is not well in my world. I am feeling really “disconnected” as I linger over my morning coffee, re-playing an incident that recently happened during a visit from my niece. My distress with her hangs on and with it, sadness for our separation and fear of losing what relationship we did have.

I don’t want to focus on her pattern of behavior that triggered our harsh words. It’s one all too familiar in my family~~and leaves us all walking on egg-shells. The need to address it is long over-due. And so, I did, quite adamantly~~very unexpectedly. And while her colorful verbal reaction to me was somewhat unsettling, I knew that somewhere within the mess of our exchange, she had gotten my message.

At the time, I could walk away feeling satisfied that our painful interaction had not been in vain. To her credit, she did eventually apologize but, for the next few days, I felt the pain of our disconnection and continued to replay the “story” of what happened, verbalizing out loud all that I still needed to say to her. Obviously, I’m still in the process of forgiving her.

Some time prior to this happening, I had discovered Dr. Gail Brenner’s blog titled: 10 Life-Changing Facts About Forgiveness. (www.gailbrenner.com) I find myself relating to #3: Forgiving doesn’t mean you approve of bad behavior. Here Dr. Brenner states: “Forgiving doesn’t mean you let that other person off the hook. It means you’re letting yourself off the hook. If other persons have wronged you, they need to walk their own path about what they did. Your path is your business. You can’t control what happened or other people’s behavior, but you can control how you meet your own experience.”

http://www.gailbrenner.com/

As long as I persist in focusing on her behavior and verbal attack, I can get stuck in ruminating on what happened. This feeds my resistance to letting go and being able to shift my perspective to the larger view~~to reframe what happened in the context of our entire relationship.

During these weeks that have passed since our painful encounter, I have had time to ruminate, reflect and begin to reframe this experience. I am trying to create a space within my heart to repair and restore how I am in this relationship that I so cherish. I suspect we’ve both learned more about ourselves and about each other, which opens us to either further distancing or, reconnecting. I’m counting on the latter.

Our heart knows what our mind has forgotten~~it knows theSacred that is within all that exists, and through a depth of

feeling we canOnce again experience this connection, this belonging.

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee


Being Imperfect TogetherSeptember 10, 2015Rewiring the Revenge ImpulseBy Art Maines, LCSW

I love the work and writings of Brene’ Brown. Her TED Talk about vulnerability from a few years ago is sensational, and her research seems to try to get at some of the most essential parts of what it means to be human and imperfect. As you may have noticed, one of her best quotes accompanies and sets the tone for this column every week in the newsletter.

She has a new book out on resilience called “Rising Strong,” and I have been devouring it. Brene’ loves to tell stories to illustrate her concepts and ideas, often revealing her own imperfections in the process. Such was the case with a story she writes about early in the book, in which she and her husband, Steve, are swimming across a cold, clear lake in central Texas. She weaves together a speaking appearance at Pixar Animation Studios, Joseph Campbell and The Hero’s Journey, and a Speedo in the narrative. If that’s not a great story then I don’t know what is!

I’ll leave it to you to read the whole thing, but the one part that stands out for me is how she journaled the experience and teased out some essential truths about revenge, or what most of us know as “payback.”

Wanting to inflict pain on another in retribution for their inflicting pain on us is an old-school human trait. Think “eye for an eye,” and all that. The Old Testament is almost, at times, a manual for getting back at people. It’s primitive stuff, and not reflective of the evolution of Christianity seen in the New

Testament. Most of us, if we’re honest, still engage in revenge, though. We’re just more subtle about it. We might get passive-aggressive, or get back at the other in some sneaky way we keep to ourselves. Nevertheless, Gandhi’s quote still rings true: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Participating in revenge poisons relationships and communities, destroying goodwill and safety along the way.

What Brene’ Brown writes presents a brilliant path out of the revenge trap. She starts with reflecting on what happened, paying close attention to the messages the strong emotions are trying to give her. She writes,

“I had learned several years before that when I’m rehearsing a conversation where I’m being super mean or trying to make someone feel bad, I’m normally not mad, I’m hurt, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable, or feeling shame.”

Later in her account of wrestling with what she calls “the payback story,” she describes knowing she has to tell a different story to change the ending, one in which her husband didn’t have bad intentions. She uses these questions to guide herself:

1. Could I be that generous?2. Do I have a part in this?3. Can I trust him?4. Do I trust myself?5. What’s the most generous assumption that I can make

about his response while still acknowledging my own feelings and needs?

And the question that was the hardest for her to answer:

6. What are the consequences of putting down the weapons and taking off the armor?

That last question takes us right to the heart of the fear at the base of so much revenge-seeking. If we put down the weapons and take off the armor, what will happen to us? Sometimes, with certain people, maybe we need to keep the weapons and armor right where they are. Most of the time, though, putting them down can be a small, personal act of peacemaking.

What Brene’ Brown has done here is given us a roadmap for how to rewire our revenge impulse. Think of a roadmap as being more than just how to get from point A to point B; perhaps it can also function as a bridge, helping us cross the chasm of fear and shame to a better world, one in which we resolve the inevitable pain of conflict in ways that respect and support both parties and the community as a whole.

Watch Brene’ Brown’s TED Talk on vulnerability here: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

(p.s.: If you decide to buy her new book on Amazon, remember to go to smile.amazon.com and select Sts. Clare and Francis so we receive a donation for your purchase!)


http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Being Imperfect TogetherSeptember 17, 2015Janus Throws a Party, and The Community is the Real Guest of HonorBy Art Maines, LCSW

Janus is an interesting character. With 2 faces, one looking to the past and the other looking ahead to the future, in the Roman pantheon he is the god of transitions, of moving from one place, time, or state of being to another. He presides over the in-between parts of life. Maybe that’s why his name is the root of our month of January.

This week we celebrate a milestone in our community and the broader Ecumenical Catholic Communion: The Commissioning of Bishop Francis Krebs as the new Presiding Bishop. We are transitioning as both a church community and as the broader Communion to a new era, with fresh possibilities and horizons to prayerfully discern and consider. At the same time, we are called to reflect on our shared past and the many gifts and graces that have brought us to this point.

Among those gifts and graces, perhaps none stands out as much as the central role of community. People coming together here and across the country (and world) to forge a new way of being Catholic, rooted in ancient Christian tradition, yet

embracing a vision of inclusion and hope that welcomes everyone, imperfections and all. People striving to understand and respect each other as they form agreements together for the good of all. People enacting the radically transformative Gospel of Christ.

In many ways, Frank is the guest of honor this week. He brings with him his accumulated wisdom and experience with participating in, creating, and nurturing communities as he embarks on this new chapter. All congratulations and prayers to him as he assumes the mantle of leadership; may he lead us into a future beyond our greatest imaginings. I know we all will support him in every way possible, challenging him and ourselves to grow in love and authenticity.

All congratulations and prayers to the amazing community of Sts. Clare and Francis. Everyone has pulled together to make the Commissioning a memorable, once-in-a-lifetime event. I’m proud to be a part of such an incredible family.

But I also think all congratulations and prayers go to the individuals and their communities that make up the entire Ecumenical Catholic Communion as well. You did this!

Community in all its forms is the real guest of honor here.

Now, let’s celebrate both the new Presiding Bishop AND the wonder of community. Janus would be proud.


Being Imperfect TogetherSeptember 24, 2015A Major Reason Why People Can Be Jerks Sometimes, and What to Do About It, Part 1By Art Maines, LCSW

We’ve all had to deal with jerks in life. You know the kind: Inappropriate, loud, obnoxious, domineering, self-righteous, and a host of other, sometimes colorful, words. They make life difficult just by being around them. A very funny and astute psychotherapy trainer I heard one time said the formula of insults+agreement from others = jerk.

People like this can really interfere with the smooth functioning of relationships in a community. We wonder why they’re being so difficult. Many avoid them or talk behind their back. Certain personalities may try to confront them, often ending up in a shouting match. None of this is particularly effective.

So what’s with these people? Why ARE they being so difficult?

Most of the time, psychologists point to the phenomenon of the defensive reaction to explain this behavior. A reaction of this type is nature’s weapon against perceived threats. Therefore, defensive reactions arise from a person’s misperception or over-perception of threat, usually to their position or viewpoint in a community setting. The behavior is called defensive because it’s supposed to ward off a threat.

Defensive reactions of the jerky variety are not completely accidental. Rather, they are intended, whether consciously or semi-consciously, to offend. The stronger the defensive

reaction, the more troublesome the behavior, and vice-versa. It’s as if the person is enacting the saying, “The best offense is a good defense.” They believe, on some level, that they are under attack and they have to neutralize the threat with overwhelming force.

The principle that defense underlies jerky behavior is crucial to keep in mind, because dealing with it effectively calls for us to acknowledge its protective purpose instead of or in addition to its attacking quality. Understanding there are more choices for managing this problem than we may at first think brings a greatly improved ability to deal with it. More about that next time.


Being Imperfect TogetherOctober 1, 2015A Major Reason Why People Can Be Jerks Sometimes, and What to Do About It, Part 2By Art Maines, LCSW

In last week’s column we looked at the “why?” of difficult or “jerky” behaviors. We considered how people consciously or semi-consciously use defensive reactions to ward off perceived threats, especially to their position or viewpoint. We also acknowledged the disruptive effect people who overuse defensive reactions can have on the relationships in a community, and the importance of recognizing its protective

purpose. Now we turn our attention to the “how” part. How do you deal with this in more skillful and effective ways?A major sign of emotional health and maturity is the ability to self-examine, what many psychologists and therapists call the “observer self.” This means being able to look at our own behavior in such a way as to see how to modify it to achieve a better outcome. However, a person’s capacity to do that in the middle of a defensive reaction is just about zero. That’s why confronting someone acting like a jerk about their behavior, motives, logic, or intentions is bound to fail.

What’s better is to start with the intent to understand. There are several reasons why someone may be difficult, but seeking to understand the fear and perceived threat beneath the reaction may yield better results. Start talking more slowly than normal to the person, with a softer voice that conveys genuine interest. Ask open-ended, curious questions that show your willingness to listen. This frequently helps to soothe the person and helps them be more open to reasonable discussion.

Note that some people are only interested in dominating or controlling others and are not necessarily acting out of fear. They actually get pleasure from playing this game. This is a completely different story than ordinary, run-of-the-mill jerky behavior and most often calls for boundaries. Thankfully, we see almost none of this here at Sts. Clare and Francis.

The other, and often harder part for us regular people, is to seek to understand what got triggered in us. When we judge someone else to be a jerk, we have almost always just fallen into a defensive reaction ourselves. Use your observer self to catch this, ponder what’s wrong about the situation, and redirect yourself as best you can back towards understanding and problem solving.

The ultimate driving force for handling other people’s difficult behaviors is the purpose we are trying to achieve. In our community context, I propose that our purpose is to create safety, respect, and connection that fosters healthy sharing of our life’s spiritual journey. This flows into and informs all 3 aspects of what Frank calls the “3-legged stool:” Service, community, and spirituality. Healthy people make healthy relationships, which makes a healthy community.

Everyone behaves badly at times, and the really difficult people behave badly most of the time. This is just a part of life. Nevertheless, all of us can reach for mastering our own and others’ difficult behaviors. Remember that all of us are imperfect, doing our best to be together in shared meaning and purpose.


Being Imperfect TogetherOctober 8, 2015Seeming Opposites Reveal the Unity in CommunityBy Art Maines, LCSW

“She’s SO liberal!!”“He’s WAY too conservative!!”

This is a familiar refrain in today’s polarized world. You would think that liberals and conservatives were natural enemies. What if the deeper truth was nothing of the sort? One brilliant researcher and author is finding that, in actuality, both sides carry important truths for all of us who care about healthy communities and being fully contributing members of them.

Jonathan Haidt, PhD,(pronounced “height”) is the author of the book, The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion, and a professor at New York University. He proposes that “liberal” and “conservative” are more like personality types than simple political labels, and our moral judgments are based on instinct and intuition much more than cool rationality. He even suggests that we all have “moral receptors,” similar to the receptors in our brains and bodies for various chemicals and substances.

Dr. Haidt says that liberals and conservatives agree on 2 out of 5 major moral values, compassion and fairness. He goes on to write that conservatives work with 3 additional values: Loyalty, authority, and sanctity.

Complicating matters for everyone is Dr. Haidt’s premise that our moral wiring “both binds and blinds.” He argues that our moral frameworks are closed loops that reinforce the thinking of the person in them and make it very hard for someone of one moral type to understand the other. For example, liberals see “authority” as “oppression,” while conservatives experience it as providing order and predictability. He says that conservatives and moderates have an easier time understanding liberals than liberals have understanding conservatives.

Describing himself originally as a “religion-hating, conservative-hating, secular liberal,” Dr. Haidt says his research into the duality of moral orientation has drastically changed his opinion of conservative moral thinking. He says that conservative values of loyalty, authority, and sanctity actually lead to better group cohesion and success.

What this implies is that beneath the liberal/conservative duality lies a unity at the heart of healthy community. Both orientations are good and necessary for human thriving. We all agree that compassion and fairness are essential, and conservatively-oriented personalities bring a message of the importance of loyalty, authority, and sanctity in binding together a group in a common purpose and ordering interactions.

How, then, do we bridge the divide? Dr. Haidt recommends that practices rooted in relationships and shared communal experiences, particularly sharing meals, seem to be the best ways to overcome the tendency to segregate and divide. He also suggests approaching conversations with people of the other orientation from a position of humility, perhaps even acknowledging or praising the other person’s underlying drives as being worthwhile and important. Everyone seeks validation and acknowledgement, and this sets in motion the social power of reciprocity, paving the way for safe communication and the possibility of greater understanding and respect.

For more about the work of Jonathan Haidt, listen to his interview on the NPR show On Being with Krista Tippett: http://www.onbeing.org/program/jonathan-haidt-the-psychology-behind-morality/transcript/6347

http://www.onbeing.org/program/jonathan-haidt-the-psychology-behind-morality/transcript/6347

http://www.onbeing.org/program/jonathan-haidt-the-psychology-behind-morality/transcript/6347

(Remember: If you’re interested in purchasing his book, The Righteous Mind, go to smile.Amazon.com and select Sts. Clare and Francis so we receive a small donation.)


Being Imperfect TogetherOctober 15, 2015Why It’s So Hard to Be WrongBy Art Maines, LCSW

Just about everybody hates to be wrong. It makes us feel stupid, or worthless, or ashamed. We get angry and defensive, feeling attacked, insisting our position is right and justified. Our reactions to being wrong are usually boulders in the road to authentic communication and reaching a mutually acceptable understanding.

But why? What’s so bad about being wrong?

Humans are a unique creature. Most animals live according to fairly simple rules based on what their physical senses pick up from the external world. We, on the other hand, have the ability to perceive and process information about things that don’t come from the external world through our 5 senses.

We call these things “ideas and concepts.” They are “things,” but they aren’t based on our usual senses. For instance, you can’t take a photo of the idea of “reasonable.” You can’t taste

the concept of “happiness.” (Although certain tastes can definitely make us happy. Hello chocolate!) We can take a picture of a smiling person and say they’re happy, but we can’t capture a happiness. Happiness is a concept that comes from the human brain which we then apply to the picture of the smiling person. Nevertheless, we live in the conceptual world every bit as much as in the ordinary physical world. We can “stand on principle,” or “live with” an idea.

Concepts are highly useful because they convey whole categories of information in very efficient ways. Imagine trying to tell someone all about a party by trying to describe every physical sensation that affected your eyes, ears, nose, and taste buds. It’s so much easier to say, “The party was fun. I had a good time.” We get it when people say that, and “fun” is a concept.

We get into trouble because our concepts take on a life of their own. The lifeblood of concepts is “being right.” Just like all parts of our bodies have to have blood flow to stay alive, all parts of our conceptual bodies (aka “belief system”) must have their supply of being right to stay alive. When someone threatens our supply of being right about something, we disagree, sometimes very passionately, even violently. We develop elaborate psychological defenses to avoid being wrong. Being wrong equals death in the conceptual world.

Therefore, human beings often defend their beliefs almost as vigorously as they defend their bodies. Remember the “Being Imperfect Together” column from September 24, about why people act like jerks sometimes? The answer was because of defensive reactions. They are most often defending their concept(s) from the “death” of possibly being wrong. Maybe it’s more difficult to understand defensiveness when it comes to

concepts as compared, say, to someone being attacked by a bear, but it’s a very real phenomenon that drives human behavior. Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherOctober 22, 2015Showing UpBy Sue Self, LCSW

Why do I have such a hard time ‘showing up’ for myself sometimes? What about the time I bought something I didn’t really want, just to be nice? Or the time I accepted a bogus explanation from a customer service clerk when I knew better? Or the times I said yes, simply by not saying no?

I show up for other people, I think, more often than I show up for myself. What is that about?

The reasons are complicated, but ‘why?’ is less important than ‘what now?’. Once you know something about yourself, you can’t not know it anymore. Can’t blame your parents now; you gotta own it.

So, knowing it and owning it are hard enough. I know that not showing up for myself is a disservice—and not just to myself. I teach people around me that they can treat me in certain ways, I show my family a poor example, too. And the person who roped me into something because I couldn’t say no, doesn’t get the authentic me. They don’t get from me what I would hope for from them: Sincerity and honesty.

Owning it is even harder. People don’t ‘rope’ me into things, they don’t ‘make’ me feel guilty for saying no, they don’t ‘cheat’ me out of good customer service. I do all of those things to myself, by wanting to be liked, by not wanting to hurt feelings, by avoiding conflict.

So now what? I have to be mindful. I have to practice awareness. I need to take a moment to check out how I feel about what is happening to me right then, in the moment.

What do I have the urge to do when my friend invites me to go fishing? (I hate to fish!) Here are the options:

I want to agree to go, already dreading it, but telling myself I want to spend the time with her.

I could say I’m busy, when I’m really not, and search for something to do, so I’m not really lying.

Or, moving along the line of authenticity, I can stop, do a check and be aware that I am saying yes

when the truer answer is no. Know it.

I can speak my truth: “I hate to fish.”

I can give her a bit more of myself: “I want to spend the time with you, but I don’t like fishing. Can we do something else?”

Even more of me would be more authentic: “My first thinking was to say, yes, because I’m always afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But that’s the old me. I’m trying to be more honest, I don’t really want to go. Fishing is not my thing. I want to hang out with you, and would

rather enjoy your company over breakfast. Can we do that, instead?”

Own it.

Owning it means I need to trust that my honesty with myself will not diminish me, but inspire me to move forward. It also means that I need to trust that when I speak my own truth with love and respect, I’m not being hurtful.

Sue Self, LCSW, has been a social worker in mental health for more than 20 years. A graduate of Webster University and George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, she currently works for BJC Behavioral Health. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherNovember 5, 2015Lessons from a Sister ECC CommunityBy Art Maines, LCSW

Recently Frank and I visited a couple of sister ECC communities in another state. We naturally received the usual warm welcome that is such a strong tradition in our Communion, and everyone was eager to connect and share stories. Even though we hadn’t met most of the people, it was like being among longtime friends.

I was particularly taken with the story of one community in particular. They had been through a very tough time recently, and some people had left the community. Still others were hanging in there but felt burnt out and depleted from the struggles.

I spoke with several of the survivors about their journey, and I heard the rumblings of new birth for their church family. Intrigued, and connecting this to my psychotherapeutic interest in post-traumatic growth and resilience in individuals, I began to see how communities and the people who create them choose to rebuild and emerge stronger from hard times.

First of all, they had to admit the difficulty of the situation and be willing to face it head-on. Avoidance wouldn’t have permitted them to really know the full extent of what they had been through and attend to the immediate needs of the community members who were left with bushels of anger and loss to process. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen and move forward in healthy ways.

Instead, they practiced healthy self-care and reached out to their sisters and brothers to offer support as they could. They took care of themselves and turned toward each other rather than away, finding the balance through a combination of self- awareness and trial-and-error. There aren’t formulas for this, just a willingness to stay present and attuned to themselves and others.

Then, at some point, they reconnected to what mattered most to them about being in community. This was different for different people, and some mentioned the importance of praying together, others spoke about the deep friendships they had formed, and still others said their love for what the community had been before the troubles was the drive for healing and renewal. In essence, they were describing the greater vision or deeper meaning for the community, the charism.

Frank did a beautiful job in his role as Presiding Bishop when he met with the community. He was wearing the hat of Presiding Healer, or Presiding Listener, as he invited people to tell their stories and share their pain as well as their hopes for the future. I heard many folks say that meeting with him was a profound experience of restoring hope and energy for moving forward. Then, in a masterful stroke, he provided the final, crucial piece: He told them that their suffering would help form a path for other ECC communities who are navigating hard times in the future. In that instant he provided a way for their pain to have meaning beyond their church, engaging the drive for contributing to others’ wellbeing and inspiring them to an even deeper mission arising from their travails.

I’m eager to go back to visit these lovely, courageous people and see how they’re doing in the times ahead. I predict great things for them, and we can all learn so much from what they’ve been through.

As one writer puts it, it’s not just about bouncing back after a setback, it’s about bouncing forward.

May they (and we) bounce forward with grace and heart.


Being Imperfect TogetherNovember 12, 2015Let’s Write an Article TogetherBy Art Maines, LCSW

As we’re all aware, time is marching on and Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. Where did the time go? It’s been a great year for us here at Sts. Clare and Francis, and we have much to be thankful for.

To that end, I have an invitation for you: Let’s write an article together! Yes, YOU and me.

Here’s the idea: You send me anything from a few words to a sentence or more expressing what you are thankful for about being a part of the community of Sts. Clare and Francis. Please send your submission to me at [email protected] by Friday, November 20.

I’m interested in your gratitude for your fellow members and being a part of this church family. Of course it’s fine to mention the liturgy and praying together, and for this I’m more interested in what you’re thankful for regarding your experience of community, being a part of the body of Christ here.

Please know that all contributions, no matter how small or large, are welcome, and I will compile and edit them into an article for the newsletter that will appear in Thanksgiving week.

Think of this as a kind of gratitude letter to your sisters and brothers at Sts. Clare and Francis. This type of letter is a cornerstone of positive psychology practice, often creating a lasting boost in mood and wellbeing.

Once again, please send your submissions to me at [email protected] by Friday, November 20. Let’s have some fun and tell each other (and the world) why we’re thankful for being a part of Sts. Clare and Francis.


Being Imperfect TogetherNovember 19, 2015What Do We Mean by “Drama?”By Art Maines, LCSW

“She’s such a drama queen!”“He brings so much drama to every meeting!”

The concept of “drama” in interpersonal relationships has been getting more airplay lately in everyday conversations and pop culture. It causes a lot of frustrated eye-rolling and avoidance of those we label as “drama queens” (or kings), and can definitely make relating to others harder. Most of us probably have at least a vague idea of what drama in this context means, but did you know there is actually a psychological definition of drama?

mailto:[email protected]

The best definition I’ve heard in my training comes from Greg Lester, PhD, who gives fantastic seminars on handling difficult people. His definition of drama is:“Emotionally escalated, non-problem solving behaviors.”

Drama has gobs of emotion swirling around situations that often have an easy solution, and which would bring a fairly good outcome. The problem is that the person furthering the turmoil can’t or won’t move toward problem solving, which is the antidote to drama. They’re stuck in one of three dysfunctional roles, and we can get hooked by their high emotion into one of those three roles, too.

These unhealthy roles are:

The arrows on the diagram show how both people start out in one corner of the triangle and then move to a different but still unhelpful position. For instance, the drama source may start out in the victim corner over some small setback, but their use of emotions such as guilt, shame, and blame against the other can move them into the persecutor role. Meanwhile, the non-dramatic person may enter the dance at

rescuer because of a sincere desire to help, but then find themselves in the victim position if they get sucked into the guilt and shame.

Different situations call for different solutions—the goal is flexible adaptability. For instance, in our little scenario above, the target for the drama could gently and persistently keep redirecting the conversation with the dramatic one back toward defining the problem, employing compassion and empathy for the emotional upset, and then firmly and kindly setting boundaries to stay with solving the problem. There’s more to fully explaining this than space permits, but I hope you get a flavor of it here.

As we approach the end of the year holidays, I hear more people expressing dread over having to deal with certain relatives’ drama at dinners and gatherings. We’ve all run drama in our lives at some time or another, and may again in the face of certain trying times. It’s part of being imperfect together to recognize when someone else, or we ourselves, are caught in drama, and then thoughtfully and skillfully employ problem solving to move on with life as it’s unfolding.


Being Imperfect TogetherNovember 26, 2015Your Thanksgiving Letter to Our CommunityBy Contributors from The Community of Sts. Clare and Francis Compiled and Edited by Art Maines, LCSW

There is such abundance at Sts. Clare and Francis! We are plentiful with many gifts of love, connection, and belonging. It’s been a privilege to receive the following gratitude notes from my co-authors for this week’s article:

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I am thankful for the Small Groups formed in the Community: a place to get to know individuals on a personal level and share what one otherwise might not share with the whole community.

--Elizabeth Seitz

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I’m thankful that I know the names of so many members and guests in our community. That is something I missed all my life.

--Jean von Stamwitz

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I cherish my relationships within the Clare & Francis community. Felling so connected with the members of this community creates in me a sense of "belonging" that draws me, enlivens me, enriches me~~and invites me to return that belonging-kind of energy as I participate in my own way. I am deeply grateful for each member of this community.

--Helen Gennari

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In response to your invitation for us to name ways that we give thanks for our SCF members, I offer two items of thanks.

1) for the palpable reverence when we gather around the altar for liturgy of the Eucharist

2) for the sincere caring, loving friends (none of that, "How are you?" "Fine." We have meaningful conversations when we see one another.)

--Kay Schmitt~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are a few thoughts for gratitude:

welcoming community inclusion care for the earth and each other diversity

wonder at God's creation hugs liturgy acceptance sharing of meals sharing our assets with those in need reflecting the gospel members who are passionate about being Christians

--Diana Burnson

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My special thanks is for a connection with people I can really depend on for support and “keeping it real”.

--Marilyn Tenholder

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I have a very close friend that is a doctor in Paris. She, for me, is the personification of everything French. For me, on each visit to Paris I come back from 'Brigadoon,' from the place where everything is how it ought to be.

This is also how I feel about Saints Clare and Francis. So please suffer through my analogy:

SCF offers all of us "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite"

This is demonstrated by SCF's words and actions.

With Liberte, we advocate that each of us is free to become

who we are meant to be.

With Egalite, we all participate in the direction of our community.

With Fraternite, we feel the flow, the synapses firing between us, awakening each other.

Another thing that SCF and France share is the "joie de vivre." (“exuberant enjoyment of life” in French—ed.)

There are words that resonate with me at SCF...

"We, though many, are one body, for we all share in the one bread, and the one cup."

"Everyone is invited to receive communion with us this evening, no exceptions."

"Heart speaks to heart, brothers and sisters, this is all we have to offer the world, what we offer is communion."

There is an authenticity and genuineness to the community here. These are not empty rituals.

Since I've compared SCF to France, I should not stop here. I find the thoughts about Christianity of Pope Francis and Bishop Francis are quite similar. When we had two simultaneous Popes, one was in Rome and one was in Avignon, France. Now that we have two similar Francis's I feel I should bring a bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape to Frank as a gift, though I think he drinks white.

--Stephen Pidgeon

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I echo the sentiments from all the contributors to this project. I add to them my appreciation for the opportunity to hear stories, explore creative ideas, and further practice my writing skills during the year we have been bringing you this column centered on our journey together as imperfect human beings.


Being Imperfect TogetherDecember 3, 2015Care-taking Our ConnectionsBy Helen Gennari, LCSW

Unlike any other time of the year, the holiday season holds the mystery of what is to come, wrapped in a myriad of expectations held by both children and adults alike. Experiences of this time of gathering and gift-giving reside among our earliest memories, like discarded toys, but with a kind of energy that moves us to continue the traditions we grew up with~~even if they have their dark side.

Though it’s more difficult today to gather with relatives because of the mobility of families, we work it out and we gather and we renew our connections as family. While the holidays invite us to acknowledge that we are, indeed, connected, this is the very time that we will encounter the differences bound to surface, especially when older and

younger members sit at the same table. And we all know the effort made to avoid discussions of certain topics. Yet, something will be said; a family secret will slip out; someone will take offense. Boundaries will be violated.

If ever we needed strong boundaries, it would be in this setting where we need to take care of the connections we have with one another~~respecting each other’s emotional, psychological and physical boundaries. These are sacred spaces we each claim as part of who we are.

We were born into a group of relationships about which we had no choice. This web of lives had been evolving before we came along, and by then, the complexity of relationships was already in place. Within this environment we received our identity and we learned the rules. Hopefully this included ~~ how to set boundaries; how to respect ourselves by letting others know what we needed, wanted, didn’t want; how to get close without losing ourselves or being smothered; how to respect differences; how to let go of the need to change the other.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don’t deserve. Their purpose is not to create walls but to create security and a strong sense of self.

So, if in the midst of the family gathering, I begin to take offense at something being said, I have choices about how I will respond. I will be more effective if my response is not expressed in a way that is offending or defensive. Here are some things to keep in mind when setting a boundary:

~Do it assertively, with respect, and without anger.

~Do it as soon as possible to avoid accumulation of resentment.

~Be clear in identifying the behavior and how it affected you.

~Depending on the situation, it may be necessary to ask the other person to leave to cool

down or you may need to walk away.

Here are some possible statements we might use:~When you raise your voice at me, I feel threatened.

Please lower your voice.~I am having a problem listening to the negativity. Could

we change the topic?~I’m feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Could

we do this another time?~If you continue to_______________ I will have to

________________(leave).

When we set a boundary, we make a choice to respect both our self and the other. (Respect, of course, implies no judgment of the other person.) Setting clear boundaries is one of the ways that we can take care of the connections we have with one another and ensure their endurance.

(Some ideas used in this article were drawn from handouts used in workshops at Woman’s Place)

Helen Gennari is a retired Licensed Clinical Social Worker/Psychotherapist who leads discussion groups with seniors at the Shepherd Center, does workshops at Woman’s Place, is a mentor, and an accompanier with the L’Arche community. Her first book has just been published. Her passion~~helping people connect in ways that make a difference. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect Together

December 10, 2015Wait…By Sue Self, LCSW

I was talking with a friend the other day, and he was telling me about an experience he had while traveling: He was riding shotgun and the driver of the car frequently fiddled with the radio, or the temperature, or other things, and created some unease for my friend. Several times, he told her that he’d be glad to adjust the blower, or find another station, whatever; all she needed do was say what she wanted done.

They both persisted; she with her fiddling with things, he with telling her that he’d be glad to do it for her. He found himself talking, a lot: explaining, asking, telling, negotiating, and so on, until finally sensing his own frustration, he said, “I guess I need to shut up. I’m not getting anywhere.” I think in some way the driver must have agreed.

Then a voice from the back seat: “Ever hear of the acronym WAIT? W, a, i, t.”

WAIT is the idea that when you find yourself talking, and talking, and feeling frustrated, or not getting anywhere, you might ask yourself to WAIT. WAIT stands for “Why Am I Talking?”

Could it be that I’m talking because I want to control someone else’s behavior? If I keep telling her what to do, eventually she will come to understand my natural leadership qualities, and do what I want her to do. If that’s what I’m doing, a bit of WAIT time might help me to consider that I am not in charge, and people don’t always have to do what I want.

Maybe I’m talking because I think my words will eventually persuade you that you are wrong and you’ll see things my way. Then, I can finally receive my long awaited crown, because I am, after all, or at least in this case, the Queen of Rightness. You will not only now think like me, but act like me as well, and together we can bore the world to death with our painful sameness. Queens don’t ever have to WAIT, and in my royal state, I quickly forget that there are more than one, sometimes many, ways of looking at things, and that diversity of thought is a good thing.

Am I talking because I have figured out what your problem is, and if I can just tell you what it is, you will be injected with insight. This insight will make you a better person and help you make better choices. I will have saved you from yourself. You don’t know it yet, but I know what I’m talking about! Maybe if I practiced a little WAIT-ing, I can remember that no one knows you better than yourself, and my thinking about how you need to live, change, or be is not only based on my limited knowledge of you, but better left unsaid, almost all the time.

There might be a lot of reasons why we find ourselves talking too much; these just happen to be my own personal downfalls, but you get the idea. And, it’s just an idea, really. You don’t have to try it. Couldn’t hurt, though. A lot of people have learned from it. You might see how righ---WAIT. I’m going to stop now.

Blessed Advent!

Sue Self, LCSW, has been a social worker in mental health for more than 20 years. A graduate of Webster University and George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, she currently works for BJC Behavioral Health. Have a

comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art Maines at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherDecember 17, 2015The “Self Cleaning” CommunityBy Art Maines, LCSW

The idea of the self-cleaning oven is very clever. In theory, at least, it cleans itself. Push the button and the gunk goes away. It’s not quite that simple in practice, as anyone who has tried it can attest. Still, it’s an ingenious concept. Self-cleaning bathroom, anyone? Sign me up!

The interesting thing is, relationships and communities can be self-cleaning, too, if we choose it. We then create and structure them that way through our choices and behaviors. It all begins with honesty, both with ourselves and the other. If we have a disagreement or conflict with someone, we check in with ourselves and with them. We check ourselves for blindspots and whether we are running drama. We follow that up with our best efforts to communicate skillfully, employing humility, patience, and compassion. We ask if we offended our friend in some way, and we honestly speak up about our own feelings of being hurt without putting the other person down. It’s important here to tell the whole truth faster, without being cruel or judgmental.

We listen carefully, checking for accuracy in our understanding and gently probing for underlying emotions. We acknowledge the emotions our friend is experiencing and refrain from telling them their feelings are “wrong.” We don’t try to control the story—we let their truth be

their truth, as we accept and reveal our own. When necessary and helpful, we admit our wrongdoing and offer a sincere, clean apology. Humbling ourselves to admit our mistakes reveals an inner fortitude and grace that often soothes the other person’s hurt feelings. We also practice clean apologies when we talk about what we’ve learned and how we will prevent the offense from happening again. Self-cleaning communities don’t lurch from crisis to crisis. The members of the community set out to be in harmony through a realistic acceptance that problems do crop up between people, but they work at addressing them before they grow into divisiveness and hard feelings.

Sounds like the kind of community we’re striving for here at Sts. Clare and Francis, huh? Art Maines, LCSW is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi and the George Warren Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis. He has over 15 years of experience as a counselor and psychotherapist. One of his specialties is relationship improvement and communication coaching. Have a comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherDecember 24, 2015Incarnating Love in CommunityBy Bishop Francis Krebs

At Christmas we celebrate Love Itself becoming incarnate, taking on real human flesh. This miracle can happen within our human flesh as well. How does this happen?

Notice what happens when you still yourself and your inner thoughts become more noticeable. You might experience thoughts like, “I should have done this differently” or “The whole thing went well except for that one part. Why did that happen?” This is our normal judgmental self.

We need that judgmental self when we are practicing a piece of music or preparing for surgery or shopping for groceries. Everything must be as close to perfect as possible for things to go well.

But if I look in the mirror as a lover of my own self, I must develop a different way. Those who meditate learn the magic of “reading the whole field in front of us” and holding it all with acceptance. Now I have a negative thought about myself, now a positive one. Here I am happy, here I am angry or sad or scared. This is I. I am all of these things, and I am loved. I am not being loved only “for the good parts.” I am loved because I am who I am. My whole existence is a gift from the One Who Gives. The Giver is not ashamed of the gift. The unfolding of my life is a story the Giver looks on with love and compassion.

When I am in these still moments with myself and the Giver, I have a choice. I can hate my life, reject my life or some part of it; or I can look on myself with love and compassion. I who am experiencing my life in this way am lovable and ripe for compassion. You might lay aside a banana because it is bruised. You may delete a sentence in an essay because it is not clear. But you cannot afford to treat yourself that way. Sometimes I am bruised. Sometimes I am unclear. Always I am loved and bathed in compassion. This is what being alone with God is like.

When this overflows into how we see each other, others in community find themselves saying, “This must be what being with God is like.” We can regard our co-members in community by focusing on what, in our estimation, is wrong. Or we can bathe them in love and compassion, taking in the whole, holding their whole story in our hearts. This doesn’t mean we can never disagree or set a boundary. It means that our disagreements and boundaries look different when our first response is to embrace the whole person with the same love and compassion with which we were first embraced.

This is how love comes into the world and takes on flesh.

I wish you and your loved ones a blessed and merry Christmas.

Bishop Francis Krebs is the Pastor of Sts. Clare and Francis Ecumenical Catholic Community, and the Presiding Bishop of the Ecumenical Catholic Communion. Have a

comment, question, or feedback about this column? Send an email to Art at [email protected]

Being Imperfect TogetherDecember 31, 2015A Good-bye and An InvitationBy Art Maines, LCSW

What a year this has been!

We’ve covered a lot ground together on our voyage through the art and practice of being imperfect together, and I truly hope you have found the reflections, information, and inspiration useful, informative, and maybe even entertaining at times. Most of all, I hope that all of our sharing and perspectives have served you, our fellow community members.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed coordinating and writing this column for you, our readers. Working with the talented contributors has also been a joy. We are unbelievably fortunate here at Sts. Clare and Francis to have so many caring and gifted professionals to call on for guidance and input. I want to extend a big “thank you” to all 3 of my co-contributors.

I also want to thank the past and present members of the parish council for their support of this project. I’m glad that we have dedicated servant leaders who are oriented towards growing the community in terms of quality and depth, in addition to the budget and member numbers.

Just so you know, I’ve been discussing ideas for possibly continuing the column in different ways. Nothing’s been decided at this time, so stay tuned for future developments.

And now for the invitation: I invite you to continue practicing and sharpening your skills for being in community wherever you are connected. Reread the columns that best fit a situation that may be troubling you, whether at church, in your family, or in another group with which you are involved. (All the columns are archived at the new and improved Sts Clare and Francis website, scfecc.org). Spread the message of Being Imperfect Together out into the world and become a force for better relationships and, perhaps, a better world, one person and one interaction at a time.

Consider it a gift to the world from the reasonable minds and loving hearts at Sts. Clare and Francis.


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