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Beveridge Family NewsVolume 1, Issue 1 December 2005Holiday Edition

Area Man Wears Out Welcome with Employer

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- In an era in

which the average American workerwill change jobs eight times over the

course of his career, local man Mike

Beveridge is defying the trend.

Beveridge has worked for the Ameri-

can Association for Cancer Research,

located at 6th and Chestnut Streets, for

nearly twelve years. Having recently

assumed the position of Associate Di-

rector of Electronic Publishing, he re-

called his first day on the job in a re-

cent interview: I started at the AACR

on February 2, 1994. Groundhog Day.

And just like in the movie, every day

since has been exactly the same.

The cinematic scope of Beveridges

career has also impressed his col-

leagues. Its a real testament to Mikes

dedication and loyalty to the AACR,

noted Morgan Robinson, a longtimefriend and colleague. Either that or his

utter lack of employability anywhere

else.

Despite his long tenure, Beveridge

still manages to keep the office experi-

ence interesting, according to colleague

Diane Marinelli: I tell you, Ive seen

him here nearly every day for the last

six years, and I had no idea he worked

here. He spends most of his time hang-

ing around the kitchen waiting for

someone to put out leftover bagels. I

thought he was on the building catering

staff.

Beveridges contributions to the As-

sociation arent lost on his supervisors,

either. We could never fire Mike,

Local Student Declares Self

Ready for Promotion

WARMINSTER, PA -- Local first-

grader Colin Beveridge has informed

his parents and the Centennial School

District that he has learned all there isto learn at his current grade level. In

fact, he has requested an immediate

transfer to the fourth grade, where he

feels he will be appropriately chal-

lenged.

Beveridge came to this surprising

conclusion in late November during a

visit to a schoolmates house. When he

learned that his friends mother was a

fourth grade teacher, he repeatedly

asked her to quiz him on fourth-grade

stuff. His satisfactory performance onthis impromptu exam was sufficient to

convince him that he was ready for a

new academic challenge.

We knew Colin was ready for some

new challenges, said Beveridges

mother, Kathy. We were thinking

more along the lines of tying his own

shoes without help, but I guess skip-

ping two grades would also qualify.

Hes obviously very advanced for

his age, noted proud father Mike

Beveridge. I mean, usually kids are in

their early teens before they think theyknow everything.

While his parents were supportive,

school authorities declined to consider

Beveridges request. In a statement, the

school board stated that requests for

early promotion are evaluated on the

basis of test scores, teacher recommen-

dations, and a detailed psychological

profile. Not some kids mom.

noted AACR Chief Executive Officer

Margaret Foti. I mean, really, wecouldnt do it. I had a team of lawyers

look into it a few years ago, and they

couldnt make it work. As long as the

guy keeps showing up and doesnt

commit a felony, were stuck with

him.

Self-proclaimed genius Colin Beveridge (right)with his dimwitted family.

In This Issue

MC Keenans new Shakin My Buttdance takes hip-hop world by storm.Style, Page B14

Colins father is not surprised by the

resistance from the school board. Its

just another example of the elite estab-

lishment trying to maintain their au-

thority. My son knows his abilities, and

he should be empowered to guide his

own education, but the system holds

him back. The same thing happened to

me. Ive been trying to get them to

award me a doctorate in marine biology

for years.

When asked what research he con-

ducted to earn such a degree, Beveridge

stated well, Ive seen Finding Nemo

Best wishes for a happyand healthy new year!

Kathy, Mike, Colin, and Keenan

1195 Dager Road

Warminster, PA 18974

(215) 441-4827

mjbeveridge@comcast.net

kbever@temple.edu

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Beveridge Family NewsPage A2 December 2005

Local Boy Eats More Than One FoodWARMINSTER, PA -- To the relief of

nutritionists and the delight of his par-

ents, area youth Keenan Beveridge has

recently quadrupled the number of

foods that he is willing to eat. The four-

year-old Beveridge had spent the pasttwo years subsisting almost exclusively

on chicken nuggets. In recent months,

however, he has expanded his list of

acceptable entrees to include meatballs,

hot dogs, and turkey.

Beveridges parents were at a loss to

explain the change in his preferences,

just as they were unable to explain how

his two-year reign of pickiness began.

His mother, Kathy, noted that as an

infant Keenan ate nearly everything he

was given. Around his second birthday,

however, the boys mealtime prefer-ences narrowed to an extreme degree.

Within a few weeks, the only main

course he would eat was chicken

and not just any chicken, noted

Kathy. It had to be in nugget form.

Attempts to disguise other foods as

Beveridges favorite were met with

reactions that varied from suspicion

(fish sticks) to open disdain (soy nug-

gets). Yeah, he saw right through the

whole wolf in nuggets clothing

scheme, Kathy recalled. Of course,

not many people have a taste for wolf,so that was kind of a longshot to begin

with.

When the use of culinary costumes

proved ineffective, Keenans parents

solicited medical advice. Their pediatri-

cian advised them to stop providing

chicken nuggets and to serve the boy

only what the family was eating. The

doctors kept telling us: Dont worry,

he has to eat eventually. He wont let

himself starve, noted Keenans fa-

ther, Mike. To which we replied:

Have you met the boy? Between you

and me, I think that kid wouldstarvehimself to death just to prove a point.

Although they were tempted to

abandon the prescribed course, the

Beveridges stuck it out after getting

reassurance from Jill Kampherstein, a

longtime friend, a physicians assistant

in their pediatricians office, and an

endless source of free medical advice.

[Jill is always available to answer our

panicky and ill-informed medical

questions, day or night, said Kathy.

Area Woman Enjoying NewKitchen a Little Too MuchWARMINSTER, PA Local woman

Kathy Beveridge is very happy with

her new kitchena little too happy, in

the opinion of those closest to her.

Since having new cabinets and counter-

tops installed this past February,

Beveridge has been spending most of

her time in the new room. That

kitchen is all she talks about, said her

despondent husband, Mike. If I didnt

know any better, Id say she loves the

kitchen more than she loves me.

Kathy defended her recent preoccu-

pation, stating that theres a lot to talk

about in that kitchen. The cherry cabi-

nets, the granite countertops, the new

appliances. Its just so much nicer

now. When told of her husbands con-

cern that he now took a backseat to the

kitchen, she responded Who? I mean,

thats silly. Of course I love Micro-

wave. Er, Mike.

The scorned husband refused to ac-cept Kathys explanation. Im serious.

She has some kind of a problem,

Beveridge claimed. Sometimes I walk

into the kitchen and I find her kissing

the new dishwasher. She wont let me

prepare any meals because she doesnt

want me to mess up the new counter-

tops. I havent eaten in two days, but I

cant talk to her about it because her

whole focus is on the kitchen. I would

remind her that the kids need to eat too,

but thats not a kitchen-related topic;

Im afraid of the backlash.

When told of Beveridges comments,

Kathy replied Afraid of the back-

splash? Oh, its a beautiful earth-tone

tile that matches the floor as well. Its

nothing to be afraid of. I think it really

pulls the room together.

Pressed to name one thing her hus-

band could give her that her kitchen

could not, Beveridge thought for sev-

eral minutes. I can think of two things

that justify Mikes existence, she re-

plied. Until they build a kitchen that

can kill spiders and open jars, there will

always be a place for Mike in my

house. When asked where that place

would be, she answered Not in the

kitchen. I just cleaned the floors.

We owe her a great debt, but she

knows that if she ever needs

fundraising or editing advice she can

call us any time.] Sure enough, the

breakthrough finally came, and with

each bite of a new food Keenan movedcloser and closer to normalcy.

Reducing our chicken nugget

consumption by 75% was a huge first

step, noted proud father Mike.

Someday soon well move on to an

even greater challenge. Like bread,

maybe.

In a related story, Tyson Foods stock

dropped 26 points in heavy trading as

the company announced major layoffs

and two local plant closings due to de-

Kathy Beveridge with her new best friend.Keenan Beveridge with his best friend.

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Beveridge Family NewsDecember 2005 Page A3

Two-Sport Star Defies Genetics

in Pursuit of Athletic Excellence

Professional scouts in two leagues are

buzzing with anticipation over the pros-

pect of drafting local athlete Colin

Beveridge, despite the fact that he

wont be turning pro for another 16

years. Beveridge recently completed a

season for the ages, thrilling fans of

both baseball and soccer with his

achievements.

This spring Colin completed his first

season of tee ball with the WarminsterKnights, by the end of which he had

moved from hitting off a tee to hitting

pitched balls. After one season, two

things about Beveridge became clear:

1) like most superstars, he has little

interest in playing the field; and 2)

what he lacks in power, he more than

makes up for in speed. He needs a

little work on his swing, but the kid can

run, said proud father Mike

Beveridge, a lifetime .240 Little

League hitter. He hits a grounder up

the middle, and the ball bounces off his

leg as he runs into second base.

In the fall, Colin turned his speed

loose on the soccer field for the Under-8 Warminster Tigers. In his second

season playing soccer, and his first

season playing 8-on-8 on a full field,

the young Beveridge showed an amaz-

ing ability to chase down the ball. Once

Excitement Builds for AnnualHockeyFest Celebration

HORSHAM, PA The entire commu-

nity is breathless with anticipation for

HockeyFest, which is scheduled for

Saturday, December 17 at Windlestrae

Park. Also known as HockeyFest[er]

or, more simply, The Fester, this annual

celebration of nostalgia and violence is

the brainchild of Warminster resident

Mike Beveridge and his oldest friends.

Growing up on the mean streets of Hol-

land, PA, Beveridge and his gang

turned to street hockey as a way to stay

on the straight and narrow. We still

turned out pretty screwy, Beveridge

reminisced, but none of us ended up in

prison.As they entered high school and col-

lege and moved frighteningly closer to

adulthood, Mike and his friends had

less time for hockey. However, they

agreed to get together to play hockey

once each year. From this pathetic at-

tempt to relive the glory days of sev-

enth grade, HockeyFest was born.

At heart, HockeyFest isnt about the

hockey, reflected Beveridge. It has

always been the one day each year

when everyone from the old crowd gets

together again. Its something I look

forward to all year long. It is also a

source of trash talk all year long. We

trade insults on and off during the off-

season, but for the last few months be-

fore the Fest[er] the trash talk really

builds to a fever pitch, Mike noted

gleefully. After all, what are friends

for if you cant tell them they suck at

hockey?

While Mikes marginal hockey skills

are on display for one Saturday each

December, the patience of his wife

Kathy is tested all year round. Well, I

figure that every husband has a hobby,sighed Kathy in a recent interview.

Some build bird houses. Some do vol-

unteer work. Mine plays hockey one

day a year and then talks about it for

the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Kathy also supports the event by host-

ing the annual Fest[er] Widows and

Orphans Party, providing tea, hot

chocolate, and emotional support for

the spouses and children of the week-

end warriors. Lets face it, she noted.

he caught up to the ball, however, he

had some difficulty figuring out what

to do with it. I worked with him on the

weekends, Mike noted. I took him

outside and taught him everything I

know about soccer. When that 15 min-

utes was over, I got him a book out of

the library.

With Beveridge and his teammates

working relentlessly in practice, the

Tigers won their last four games of the

year to finish the season with a winning

record and give them high hopes fornext season. Colin really showed a lot

of potential this year, stated his

mother, Kathy. I think that all he

needs is the guidance of a strong ath-

letic presence. You know, some kind of

father figure. Im thinking of buying

him a training video.

His lack of athletic ability notwith-

standing, Mike is committed to helping

Colin earn an athletic scholarship when

he joins the class of 2017. I want him

to realize all of his wildest dreams,

Mike stated. If we play our cardsright, we can take his college fund to

Vegas and blow it on Texas HoldEm.

S P O R T S

These poor women need all the help

they can get.

Despite the contrary claims of his

friends, Beveridge insists that all these

years of participating in HockeyFest

have honed his skills. The older I get,

he noted, the better I used to be.

Superjock Colin Beveridge commits a handball.

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Beveridge Family NewsPage A4 December 2005

Area Family Takes Leisure to New Heights w ithTwo Summer Vacations

DUCK, NC and DEEP CREEK LAKE,

MD The Beveridge family of War-

minster, PA set new standards for

slacking in the summer of 2005, blow-

ing off work for two separate family

vacations. Due to a quirk in scheduling,

both of their extended families planned

group excursions in the same summer.

It was a rare confluence of events,

explained Kathy Beveridge of the un-

expected excess of leisure. Like a so-

lar eclipse, or when you get a parking

space right in front of the mall on

Black Friday.

The first trip occurred in late June,

when the Beveridge family all con-verged on a house in North Carolinas

Outer Banks for the familys first group

vacation since the late 1980s. Mike,

Kathy, Colin, and Keenan were joined

by Mikes parents, Tom and Theresa;

his younger brother Dan and his wife

Stephanie; and his older brother Jim,

his wife Joanne, and their son Tommy.

Our last vacation as a family was to

the Grand Canyon when my brothers

and I were teenagers, remembered

Mike. This trip was just like that one,

except that this time we actually hadgirls who would talk to us.

For the girls in question, a week in

the same house was quite a challenge to

endure. Joanne, Steph, and I have got-

ten used to putting up with our hus-

bands, Kathy noted. But putting up

with the three Beveridge boys at the

same time? I thought that kind of cruel

and unusual punishment was outlawed

by the Geneva Convention.

Fortunately, the Beveridge better

halves had plenty of activities to keep

their minds off their suffering. Theirvacation house had its own pool and

featured a community center with a

community pool, playground, and

game room. Best of all, the house was

only a block from the beach, where the

family enjoyed swimming, building

sand castles, setting the group paddle-

ball record (23 hits), and fishing. Colin

Beveridge had his first ocean fishing

experienceand caught his first fish

with his Pop-Pop assisting.

Strangely enough, the beach also

featured a second community pool right

next to the dunes. However, while pool

seemed excessive at the time, it came

in handy after Keenan Beveridgeever

the prima donnadecided he didnt

like the beach. It actually worked out

well, Mike recalled. I had a nice view

of the ocean while I sat in the pool with

Keenan. If I squinted my eyes just

right, it was almost like I was there.

All in all, the clan had such a good

time in Duck that they are planning to

return next June. We figure if we keep

going there, Kathy said, real estate

prices will tank so much that eventuallywell be able to buy a place cheap.

Unfortunately, that tactic hasnt

worked for her family. The housing

market at Deep Creek Lake, MD is as

strong as ever, despite the fact that the

entire Welsh family has vacationed

there every other year for 19 years.

This years gathering in early August

was one of the largest on record, with

27 siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins

in attendance. The Beveridge boys,

Colin and Keenan, especially enjoyed

spending a week with their cousinsHenry and Aidan, as well as their

younger cousins Harlan, Jonah, and

Benjamin. The presence of so many

kids in such a rustic atmosphere made

for some noisy afternoons. All those

kids running around in the woods was a

little disturbing, recalled Mike

Beveridge with a shudder. It was a

realLord of the Flies experience. When

they starting dancing around the bon-

fire, I knew it time to go.

While the Beveridges vacation was

focused on the ocean, the Welshes

week was a fresh-water affair. With the

lakewater temperatures at all-time

highs, the family enjoyed swimming,

fishing, boating, tubing, and skiing.

Colin had his first water-skiing experi-

ence, followed immediately by his first

dragging-behind-a-boat experience.

Following that adventure, he stuck totubing with cousins Henry and Aidan

Welsh.

The Welshes enjoyed the week so

much that before it was over they had

already begun talking about returning

to Deep Creek next year to celebrate

their 20th anniversary at the lake. For

Mike and Kathy, that means another

two-vacation summer. In time, I guess

we could get used to this lifestyle,

Kathy sighed, but all that relaxing

really takes its toll. By the time its

over, well be happy to get back towork for some peace and quiet.

Mike agreed, noting that well have

plenty of time to enjoy the quiet at the

office, since we wont be able to afford

another vacation until we retire.

Local Couple Defies Odds, Stays

Married for Ten Years

WARMINSTER, PA July 8 was an

occasion to celebrate in the Beveridge

household, as Kathy and Mike

Beveridge celebrated their tenth wed-

ding anniversary. Im really proud of

this milestone, noted Kathy. Its the

result of many years of love, hard

work, and patience. Lots of patience.

The patience of Job.

The anniversary also made an im-

pression on Mike, who stated Ten

years? Is that all? Well, how much time

do I have left?

The Beveridges recently looked back

on their greatest blessings over the last

ten years, including:

Two beautiful sons, Colin and

Keenan.

A lovely home that is nearly 20%

paid for.

A rocking wedding reception that

featured a 208-person conga line as

well as a Greased Lightnin pro-

duction number.

Wonderful friends and family (like

the ones reading this newsletter).