final- always sunny in philadelphia

8/12/2019 FINAL- Always Sunny In Philadelphia

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IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"THE GANG GETS FAMOUS"

Written by

Mitchell Correia

6980 Wheatley St. San Diego, CA, 92111619-846-8674

[email protected]


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FADE IN.

BLACK SCREEN

TITLE: Saturday 12:06 PM

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

INT. PADDY'S IRISH PUB - DAY

FRANK and CHARLIE run around like savages chasing a rat.Frank has a rusty screwdriver and a frying pan. Charliewields a spear pole made of PVC pipe -- it is decorated withdifferent colors of paint and wrapped duct tape is used ashand grips.

FRANKGet him Charlie, don't let him getaway, (beat) stick him with that

old pipe.

CHARLIEIt's a rat spear, okay Frank? Itold you multiple times that thisis my rat spear, and it's finelyhoned and specially designed forkilling rats!

FRANKThen why isn't he dead yet?

CHARLIE

I dont know, Frank, maybe allthese poison rat food tablets youput literally everywhere aretipping them off. They're veryintelligent creatures, people don'tgive them enough credit.

FRANKThey been eating them! I thinkthese freak rats are gettingimmune. Here let me see that thing,I think this screwdriver's too

small, it's slowing me down.CHARLIE

(scrupulously)I dont think thats how thatworks.

FRANKWhy didnt you just grab the RatBat?


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DENNISCome on, Dee. Guys likethat -- rich, handsome, guys likethat -- they want someone on theirown level who can interact withtheir kind, take me for example, I

ooze sophistication (beat)...butyou, no, no, no, no, no. You lookway too poor.

DEEI do not look poor!

She looks down at herself.

DEE (CONTD)Do I look poor?

MAC barges in accompanied by ANGELINA -- a short, tan,

guidette resembling and talking like Snookie -- completewith long pink nails and glittery, blue eye shadow.

MACWhats up bitches!

He sees Frank and Charlie STABBING at corners and tearing theplace apart.

MAC (CONTD)What the hell's going on here?

Dennis and Dee notice Frank and Charlie for the first time.

DEEGood question.

MACHey Dennis, can I have 20 bucks?

DEE20 bucks?! For what?

MACI wanna' take Angelina out on a

date, she has very fine taste,extremely classy.

Dennis looks over his and Mac's shoulder with a questioning,semi-disgusted glare.

DENNISDidn't you say her parents wererich?

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MACExactly why I need to impress her,she's used to a certain lifestyle(beat) I'll give you a thousand ofmy bar shares.

DENNISHere's a 10, don't spend it all inone place now ya' hear?

He takes it.

DEEHey why didn't you ask me formoney?

MACEven I know when I'm asking toomuch of someone.

DEEAlright! That's it! You think Ilook poor huh? Sweet Dee doesn'thave class? Is that what you'resaying?

She approaches Angelina.

MACThats exactly what Im saying.

DENNIS

I tried telling her.

DEE(To Angelina)

She's rich and look at her. Look atme, then look at Mac's whore. Wholooks better?

ANGELINAYou better watch your mouth and getout of my face, I don't know whoyou think you're talking to.

DEEOh yeah well you better get out ofmy face...bitch.

She twirls her hair back as she kicks back her head, doingthe "yeah I just called you a bitch, bitch" look.

ANGELINAOh hell nah!

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Angelina attacks Dee, pulling her by her hair. They starttussling.

DEEOh God! Get her off me!

DENNISWell, well, well, how the plot hasthickened.

MACYeah, its thick, dude.

The dysfunctional TABLEAU of Paddy's Pub is framed before us.

(O.S.) A man starts a SLOW CLAP near the back of the bar.

Mac and Dennis turn to him. A man, DON PARNETT, dressed in ablack suit with a power-red tie and slick backed hair, stands

as he claps.

DONBravo! Just, Bravo!

MACWho the hell are you dude?

DONI'm Don Parnett, and I'm going tomake you famous.

A timely Frank POPS UP behind the bar with his screwdriver

through a RAT. Blood on his chin, and a primal look on hisface.

Everyone's faces look disgusted.

FRANKI told you I'd get him!

Frank and Charlie high-five.

TITLE: The Gang Gets Famous

TITLE: Its Always Sunny In PhiladelphiaINT. DON'S OFFICE - DAY

The Gang is sitting opposite of Don at his desk.

DONI got to tell you guys, that wasquite a show you put on back there.

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They all humble brag in unison.

DON (CONTD)Listen, we do strictly realitytelevision here, and I know starswhen I see them.

DENNISI'm glad you said that, Don.Because we feel that we, well I,have been waiting to shine forsometime now, a diamond in therough you might call me.

DEEWhat he means is that when wereall together, thats when the magicreally happens.

DENNISActually, that's not what I'msaying at all, Dee.

FRANKShut the hell up children. ListenRon.

DONThat's Don, Don Parnett.

FRANKWe're a package deal Ron, no ifs

ands or buts about it...unless ofcourse that's a deal breaker, thenwe can drop Dee.

DEEOh come on!

DONI don't think you guys understandme. I want, I need all of you forthis show to work.

MACWhat kind of show is this exactlyDon?

DONWe'll call it an existential thinkpiece on the group dynamics ofsocially dysfunctional, remedial,Philadelphia business owners.

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They all nod, completely confused.

DON (CONTD)You have no idea what I'm saying doyou?

CHARLIENot a clue.

MAC(zooms hand over head)

Way over my head.

FRANKGibberish.

DENNISDon, I think what everyone's tryingto say is...how much are we getting

paid?

DONWell, the big bucks come after theshow gains a little popularity, butin the meantime, industry minimumis a hundred bucks.

They all nod to each other - not bad

CHARLIE17.50 each, I can dig that.

DENNISIt's 20 each Charlie, excuse himDon.

FRANKCan I get paid in Tuna?

DONHuh?

MACHow much are numchucks? Can I buy

numchucks with my money?CHARLIE

Get ninja stars dude.

MACGood point, they aremore deadly.

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DEEWhoa, whoa -- the last thing Macneeds is a deadly weapon, I'll tellyou that right now.

DENNIS

No one's buying numchucks! Or ninjastars! And Frank, you're certainlynot getting paid intuna!(beat)...listen Don, let'ssweeten the deal a bit, 25 each,and Charlie will mop your floor fora month.

Charlie nods.

CHARLIEI'll do it, I don't mind.

DONGuys, guys... the industry minimumis 100 bucks each.

DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK/DEE/MAC(drawn out)

Ohhh.

DENNISWell in that case, you got yourselfa God damn deal Don.

CHARLIE

So, mopping the floor is...off thetable?

INT. PADDY'S IRISH PUB - DAY

The Gang is prepping. Each pumping themselves up like theirabout to play in a football game -- stretching, crackingtheir neck, shaking themselves out -- intensely nervous.

Don enters with a PRODUCTION CREW of four people. Theyimmediately start setting up.

DONThere's my stars! How's everybodyfeeling?

DENNISWe're feeling great, feeling great,Don.

Dee GAGS.

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Everyone pauses a moment and looks.

DONAlright well, good to hear. We'rejust going to start shooting herein a second, pretend we're not even

here, just go about business asusual.

They awkwardly try to be natural in preparation for thecamera.

Don gives the signal to the CAMERAMAN to start shooting.

-Frank is stuck awkwardly staring at the camera.

-Charlie mops in a very showboat kind of way, looking up atthe camera.

-Dennis is trying to look very suave and sexy pouring drinks.

-Mac flexes awkwardly.

-Dee doesn't know where to stand, she keeps gagging as shechanges position.

A customer, STINKY PETE walks into the bar, the only one sofar. He is a ragged and appears homeless.

FRANK(over-acting)

Hey, it's Stinky Pete. Hey there

Stinky Pete.

Stinky Pete GRUNTS.

FRANK (CONTD)Hey Deandra, why don't you makeStinky Pete here a drink from ourfantastic bar.

DEEOf course, one (gag) drink comingright up.

She grabs a random bottle of the shelf without looking at itand begins pouring it into a cup.

Stinky Pete grabs it and downs it in a single gulp. Heproceeds to a planter and PISSES into it.

CHARLIEGood old Stinky Pete. Gotta' lovethat guy.

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Mac SLAPS Stinky Pete on the back.

Dennis positions himself in the middle of the room, facingthe camera like hes a television host, reminiscent of ChrisHansen from Dateline.

DENNIS(directly to camera)Good old Stinky Pete, a regularhere at Paddy's Pub. He's beencoming by and Stinking up the placefor, well, as long as we canremember. No one knows just how hegot to be this Stinky, but...

DONWhoa whoa, uh, what are you doingDennis?

DENNISWell, I'm hosting, of course.

DONYou're not supposed to talk, orlook directly at the camera at anypoint. You're supposed to actnatural.

DENNIS(confused)

Who's supposing? I don'tunderstand Don, you see, what I'm

doing is perfectly natural, I'mtying this whole show together, Ithink it's lacking a certaindirection.

DONListen, you're breaking the fourthwall, that's a big no-no.

DENNISFourth wall? No one said anythingabout a wall, (to Mac) did you hear

anything about walls?The gang collectively says 'NO' in their own way.

MACI'll break a wall right now ifsomeone wants me to, I can do it.

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DON(frustrated)

What? Okay listen, you're actuallyall breaking the fourth wall.You've all been looking directlyinto the camera since we got here.

What happened to the stars I sawyesterday, I need more of thatnatural drama.

DENNISAlright listen Don, we can dobetter. We're just warming up.

DEEYeah Don, we got star power comingout the ears, you ain't seennothing yet.

CHARLIEOh now you stop gagging.

DENNISSee that Don, Dee is slowly gettingher gag under control, Charlie'sdoing Charlie work -- naturally.Frank is...

Frank STARES dead-eyed into the camera.

DENNIS (CONTD)Frank!

Frank snaps to.

FRANK(points to camera andsmiles)

Absolutely!

DENNISSee that, he's getting there. Andof course there's...

On cue Mac punches a hole through the wall making a ninjasound. He flexes like Jean Claude Van Dam. He looks upintensely.

MACFourth wall...broken!

Everyone slumps their heads in embarrassment.

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EXT. PHILLY STREET - LATER

Dennis and Dee are walking down the street.

DENNISAlright, we need a plan, Dee.

DEEYeah, we got to come up withsomething really edgy and original,right?

DENNISWrong, very wrong. We needsomething extremely formulaic.Something tested...somethingcertified...something that alreadyworks.

DEEOh I see where you're going withthis. Like those really fake datingshows, or those evil housewives,God I love them.

DENNISPrecisely. We need to choreographthe action, make it about us.

DEEAgreed, agreed. But what the hellare we going to come up with by

tomorrow, Don said we have one morechance to get this right before hepulls the plug.

DENNISI know exactly what we need.

He stops and stares directly at Dee.

DENNIS (CONTD)We're going to need some facecards.

DEEFace cards?

Taps his fingertips together like an evil villain.

DENNISBeautiful people Dee. Lookers,hotties, the genetic upper-class.That's what we need.

12.

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People to vie for our attention,thus, raising our level ofperceived value. We need face cardsDee, lots of face cards.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Mac is at the door of a large, upper-class house, he knocks.

Angelina answers the door.

ANGELINA(disappointed)

Oh, hey Mac.

MACAngelina!

ANGELINA

Where's that slut friend of yoursDee?

MACPsh, forget about Dee. I have aproposition for you.

ANGELINAI'm not letting you take me out onanother date.

MACWhat was wrong with our date?

ANGELINAWe had a $10 budget, we had tosplit an appetizer.

MACThose were gourmet chicken fingersAngelina...but never mind that,listen to me -- how would you liketo be on television?

He gives a propositional stare. She scowls at him for a

moment then...ANGELINA

Let me get my purse.

MACHa! Great, great. But first, weneed to make a stop.

13.

DENNIS (CONT'D)


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INT. BARBER SHOP - CONTINUOUS

Mac enters a barbershop with Angelina. All of the barbers andpatrons are Italian Guido types. They stare at himincredulously.

MAC(holding out his arms)Ay!...Macky-D's ready for a cut.

INT. FRANK'S APARTMENT - SAME DAY

Frank and Charlie are huddled over a small fire in the middleof the living room.

FRANKAlright Charlie, let's get thatbaby cooking.

CHARLIEYeah, you know, I dont know ifthis a good idea Frank.

FRANKWhat the hell are you talkingabout. There's no way I'm lettingall of them go to waste -- here,hand it over.

Charlie reveals a big RAT skewered on a stick and hands it toFrank.

CHARLIEYeah, but Frank, these rats ate alot of rat poison, I mean a lot,so, I just don't know if we shouldbe...

FRANKQuit your yapping Charlie. If itdidn't kill them, it won't kill us.Look how good this meats looking,huh? Isn't that looking tender?

CHARLIEIt does look pretty appetizing(beat) and I do love eating rat.I've never had it cooked before but-- sure what the hell!

They take a few bites.

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CHARLIE (CONTD)(points)

I gotta tell you Frank, this isgood rat!

FRANK

What did I tell you.

CHARLIEIt tastes different, but it's good.

FRANKDifferent is good.

Charlie shrugs in agreement.

EXT. FRONT OF CHURCH - DAY

CHURCHGOERS are walking in for service.

DEEChurch? This is where we find yourface cards?

DENNISExactly, Dee. Beautiful people areGod's chosen ones.

DEESince when do you go to church?

DENNIS

I come here all the time, place isa gold mine. You do believe in God,dont you?

DEEOh no, not this girl.

DENNISNo wonder he hates you.

DEEWhat?! You just come here to get

laid. I guess you're perfect forthe church after all.

DENNISIt doesn't matter why you're hereDee, just as long as you go.

DEEWell how the hell are we going toconvince them to come to our bar.

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DENNISWith a little help from an oldfriend.

On CRICKET, wearing his priestly garb, greeting people asthey arrive.

DEE(menacingly)

Cricket.

DENNIS(impersonating a cricket)

Cricket. Cricket.

They approach Cricket outside the doors of the church. Hesees them and gets a worried look on his face.

DEE

Rickety Cricket, long time no see.

CRICKET(nervous)

Hey guys, what are you doing here(looks at Dee). Have you fallen onhard times, Dee?

DEEWhy does everyone think Im poor!

DENNISWell I wouldnt say you dont look

poor, thats for sure.

CRICKETWe have donated winter apparel inthe...

DEEShut up Cricket!

DENNISEnough about Dee looking like ahomeless hag, were here for you

Cricket. We see you've cleanedyourself up huh?

CRICKETIve gotten back on the path of theLord.

Dennis points to Cricket's missing front tooth.

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Cricket gets a fiendish look in his eye.

DENNISNice thinking on the crack, Dee.

DEE

(proud)Thanks, I always carry it around,just in case.

DENNISIn case of what? I find thatdeeply, deeply, disturbing Dee.

CRICKETI don't do that anymore, I toldyou. I'm clean now.

DEE

Oh yeah?

She opens it and dips her finger in the bag and shoves intoCricket's mouth. She rubs it on his gums. A bit gets on hisnose and lip. He flinches away and tries to avoid it.

DEE (CONTD)What about that huh? Oh yeahCricket likes that crack doesn'the? Who likes the crack? Cricketdoes.

DENNIS

(loving it)Can't resist crack, can youCricket!

Cricket has a look in his eye. He licks his gums and lips --it's over for him.

CRICKETAlright! I'll have some girls foryou.

DEE

And hes back!DENNIS

Face cards Cricket, keep them topshelf alright?

CRICKETBut I want another bag of this ondelivery. And they'll want money,this isn't a charity.

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DEEIsn't it though?

He gets close to their face with a crazy look in his eye.

CRICKET

Don't mess with me.

DENNISAlright, alright, Jesus Christ.

CRICKETAnd don't use the lord's name invain.

DENNISHere's a few hundred bucks, thatshould cover it.

Cricket snatches it.

DEEWhere did you get all that money?

DENNISI stole it from Frank. You tight oncash?

DEEFor the love of...

DENNIS

Dont say it.

She composes herself.

DEETomorrow Crickety, don't let usdown.

Cricket fiendishly grabs his baggy and glares at them, hedips his finger in again and rubs it on his gums.

Dennis and Dee give each other a look as they walk away down

the steps.DENNIS

Now that is a drug addict.

DEEOh yeah.

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EXT. RUNDOWN CITY STREET - THAT NIGHT

We see a street in a poor Philadelphia neighborhood. Piles oftrash, homeless covered in blankets, small fires burning,drug addicts and shady characters abound.

Charlie and Frank approach the scene. They look like shit.Dark eyes and battered clothes, they are high on rat poison.Charlie has his Rat Spear and Frank is carrying hisscrewdriver and frying pan.

FRANKLook at all these damn savages.It's a jungle out here.

CHARLIEI think Im freaking out dude,definitely freaking out.

Frank stabs at a bag of trash with his screwdriver.

CHARLIE (CONTD)You get him?

FRANKDamn it!

Looks around.

FRANK (CONTD)I'm getting hungry. There's no moredamn rats left at the bar.

CHARLIE(perks up)

Rats? Charlie will kill them.

FRANKYou better hurry up, I think I'mlosing it.

FRANK'S POV - A homeless man hovering over a trash can firelooks like a giant rat smiling at him. He is hallucinating.

FRANK (CONTD)I see one.

Charlie hits him.

CHARLIEHey Frank, look. Is that Cricket.

They see CRICKET in religious garb handing over MONEY to adrug dealer and getting CRACK in return.

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They walk over to him and he is lighting up a crack pipe.

CHARLIE (CONTD)Well, well, well, look who we havehere.

FRANK(dead eyed)The Cricket.

CRICKET(startled)

Oh, hey Charlie. Hey Frank. Whatthe hells wrong with you guys.

CHARLIEWhat's that you're eating?

FRANK

Holding out on us?

CRICKET(confused)

I'm not, eating...any...

Frank GROWLS like an animal and glares at Cricket like he'sgoing to attack.

Charlie follows suit.

This scares Cricket. Two crazy looking men with weapons areabout to eat him.

CRICKET (CONTD)Here, here, yeah, good food. Tryit.

He hands over the pipe and some crack.

Frank takes the crack out of the pipe and crushes it in hismouth. He gives some to Charlie. Charlie eats some like it'sa wild berry in the middle of the Amazon.

Frank is satisfied and he refocuses his attention.

FRANKThe hunt continues!

He and Charlie run off like savages into the night.

INT. PADDY'S IRISH PUB - NEXT DAY

The small production crew is set up in the pub.

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Dennis and Dee are standing at the end of the bar. Dennis hasa full on tuxedo and Dee is wearing a pink dress with a bunchof jewelry, looking very gauche. They are drinking champagne.Dennis is on his phone being frustrated.

DENNIS

Damn it! No answer again. Where thehell is everybody?

DEEI knew we couldn't count on them.We'll have to run this showourselves (she nonchalantly eats apill).

DENNISOur face cards aren't even hereyet. What are you eating?

Don walks in with crew.

DONHey hey! How are my stars doing!(beat) Wait, where the hell iseverybody?

DENNIS(semi-nervous)

They should be here any minute,Don, don't you worry.

DON

I hope so, we're on a tightschedule and weve really got to...

MAC pops in just like last time.

MACWhats up bitches!

Mac has a fake tan, greased up hair, and is wearing a tracksuit with a wife-beater underneath. He looks like PAULY D.Angelina follows in behind him.

DENNISOh my.

MACHow you like the new look. I thinkit really suits my character.

DENNISWhat character Mac? There is nocharacter, and you look ridiculous.

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MACPsh, Angelina doesn't think so.

ANGELINAHe looks good, don't be a hater.

MACPlus dude, youre wearing a tux.(to Dee) And youre wearing somesort of trailer trash brides maidgown from the Salvation Army.

DEEIm not poor! And its high fashionyou dick steak.

CRICKET barges in the door looking extremely high on crackcocaine. He begins funneling the girls in.

These are street bums and crack heads wearing a randomassortment of fancy dresses from different periods of thelast few decades.

CRICKET(to Dennis)

Your face cards. Now where's mydrugs.

DENNISWho the hell are these people?

DEE

Yuck.

CRICKETYour face cards.

DENNIS(points at a girl)

That one is missing her teeth!

MACThese chicks are ugly dude. And I'dhave to conjecture that they

perhaps may be crack heads.DEE

Very crack-ish.

DENNISThis is not what we paid for,Cricket!

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DONWhat's going on guys, somethingwrong?

MACOh everything is fine Don. It looks

like Dennis and Dee here tried topay our crack head homeless friendto bring pretty girls for the show,but it obviously didn't work out sowell and now...

DENNIS(anxiously interrupts)

Shut up Mac. These are just someregular locals that come inevery...Monday afternoon.

DON

Locals, okay great that'll reallymake it seem authentic in here.

DEE(attempting nonchalance)

Oh this is so natural, so normal.

She knocks back a full glass of champagne.

ANGELINA(To Mac)

I thought you said she wasn't goingto be here, she's already getting

drunk.

DEEOh Sweet Dee's here and shes readyto go.

She walks over to the crack whores. They all have grabbedthemselves drinks from the bar.

DEE (CONTD)(acting fancy)

Oh please, ladies, whatever you

want just ask our butler, he'll getyou anything you'd like

CRICKETCan I get my crack yet?

DENNISNow's not the time, Cricket.

Dennis walks over to Dee and the girls.

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One of them leans in and smiles. Dennis looks disgusted.

DENNIS (CONTD)(to Dee)

These girls are supposed to vie formy attention, how are they supposed

to raise my perceived value? Andare you already drunk?

DEEI took some of Charlie's anti-anxiety pills so I wouldnt gag.They really kick in fast. They arethe bees knees, let me tell you.

DENNISIs everyone here a moron except me!

We see Don giving a secret signal to the camera operator to

roll camera.

MACTake it easy dude.

DENNISI will not take it easy! You lookgod damn ridiculous Mac, Dee isdrunk and high on Charlie pills, Ihave a handful of crack whoresraiding my bar, Cricket wants crackfrom me, and who the hell knowswhere Charlie and Frank are!

Just then the bar door flies open. The SILHOUETTES of Charlieand Frank stand in the doorway, dust SWIRLS against thebrightly lit background.

The SURVIVOR THEME MUSIC plays as they step into the light ofthe bar, an ECU of their faces reveal face paint, possiblyfecal matter or street sludge. They are wearing batteredclothes fashioned from the street, they are still clearlyhigh on rat poison and now as we know - crack cocaine.

The gang takes this look as a challenge, we see a series of

ECU's of their faces scowling back, like an old Sergio LeoneWestern.

-ECU OF MAC

-OF CHARLIE

-OF DENNIS

-OF DEE

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-OF CRICKET

-OF THE ANGELINA

-OF A TOOTHLESS CRACK HEAD

Charlie gets a wild eyed look on his face. CUT TO a RATwalking along the corner of the wall. Charlie raises hisspear and hurls it across the room. It misses the rat.

FRANKThe spear has spoken!

Frank and Charlie run into the bar past everyone and startchasing a rat again.

Dennis throws his arms in the air, he gives up.

DENNIS

Alright! This is how its going tobe huh? Well then, let's get thisparty started!

He shakes up some champagne and aggressively sprays it on thecrack heads, but not in a fun way. He sprays it in theirfaces and Dee's face too, she winces and struggles. He'sacting crazy and has pretty much lost it.

DENNIS (CONTD)Yeah, woohoo! this is fun!

MAC

Alright! Popping bottles!

Mac turns on techno music and jumps on the bar and takes hisshirt off and starts fist pumping. Angelina starts dancing itup for the camera.

DEE(slurring to the crackheads)

You guys think you're so fancy huh?With your nice dresses, drinkingall my champagne, calling Dee poor.

Who wants to go huh? You ain'tnothing but stuck up fancy bitches.Look at you, all stuck up andfancy.

This is hilarious considering how the group of women actuallylook. Dee looks over and sees Angelina dancing and playing tothe camera.

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DENNISOh, there's that bitch.

Dee comes up from behind Angelina and pulls her down by herhair.

Mac points in excitement but keeps fist pumping.

MACOh man! Cat fight yo!

He simulates BITING the pin out of a grenade and THROWINGinto the crowd and watching it explode.

Dennis SPRAYS another bottle of champagne into the crowd andall over Mac.

We see Frank on his hands and knees licking champagne off ofthe ground.

Charlie is stabbing a corner of the wall with his speartrying to kill a rat.

Cricket slips through the middle of this mayhem and startstaking money out of the cash register while no one is payingattention.

Don is standing out of the way by the cameraman with his armsfolded, a contented look upon his face.

DONNow that's art.

We again see this dysfunctional TABLEAU framed in Paddy'sPub.

We see Charlie take focus on Don from the corner of the room.

CHARLIE POV: Don looks like a huge RAT.

Charlie licks his lips, charges full speed towards DON. Hesticks the spear right into Don's calf.

Don screams in pain.

CHARLIEI finally got you!

FRANK(lifting his face up fromthe floor)

Holy crap.

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DONYou crazy bastard!

Charlie lets go of the spear, blood is spurts onto the floor.

Everyone stops what they are doing and Mac turns the music

off, they are all in a state of semi-shock, seeing now thatthings have gotten out of hand.

MACHoly crap Charlie.

DENNISI feel like I should run, so...

Dennis drops the bottle of champagne on the spot and fleesout the door. Mac jumps down from the bar and bolts afterhim.

The CRACK HEADS follow suit.

DEE(mumbling)

Well, that's my cue.

Dee and Angelina stand up, messy hair and torn clothes, andrun out of the door. Charlie gives out a loud, savage, yelland runs out of the bar.

Cricket awkwardly looks around as he slips the last bit ofmoney into his pocket and walks around the bar, his shoesloudly sticking to the ground as he attempts a stealthy exit.

Don is writhing in pain. The camera crew just stands there,dumbfounded.

Frank is still there on the floor, licking champagne off theground.

INT. PADDY'S IRISH PUB - NEXT MORNING

A tattered mess is all that is left of the bar. A pool ofDon's dried blood still sits on the floor.

The bar door creeps open and MAC pokes his head in. Followinghim is DENNIS and DEE--creeping in slowly and carefully,checking if anyone is still inside.

Once the coast is clear, their demeanors relax.

DENNISWell, that didn't quite go asplanned.

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They sit down at the bar and Dennis begins pouring beers fromthe tap.

MACI dont know, I think that'll turnout to be a great episode.

DENNISI don't think you have a firm graspon the situation, Mac. We're notgetting any episodes. Don gotstabbed in the damn leg with somesort of dirty rat pipe!

Dee raises her glass in the air, cheers-ing to herself, hung-over as hell, and takes a gulp.

MACSeemed like great t.v. to me.

CHARLIE walks into the bar. He looks like crap and is clearlyconfused as to what happened yesterday.

DENNIS/DEE/MACCharlie!

CHARLIEOh man, what the hell happened. Iwoke up in a dumpster, but theweird thing about it was, it's noteven one of my usual spots. I hadnever once been in that dumpster

before.

DENNISWell, Charlie, you stabbed a guy.You and Frank were high off, God-knows-what, and it was overall ahuge disaster.

Him and Mac klink glasses -- they clearly don't care at thispoint.

DEE

Where is that fat man, anyway?MAC

Yeah I wonder what happened toFrank?

DENNISCant really worry about that nowcan we.

29.

(MORE)


31/31

Nothing left to do but sit here andtake the edge off of life, flipthat t.v. on won't you Dee.

MACYeah we don't want to be some stuck

up reality stars anyway, what abunch of losers.

DEETotal losers.

Dennis nods.

The gang clearly looks like a huge bunch of losers as theyall concur this point.

Charlie is zeroed in on the t.v.

CHARLIEHey guys, I think I know whathappened to Frank.

ON TELEVISION

We see the local news on t.v. They are showing surveillancefootage of a naked, fat, Frank running down the middle of thestreet, knocking over trash cans as cops chase him. Hecollapses in the middle of the street as the police come downon him.

BACK TO BAR

DENNISWell, it looks like one of us madeit on t.v. after all huh?!

They all laugh hysterically in unison.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE

30.

DENNIS (CONT'D)

final- always sunny in philadelphia

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