managing emotions (eq)

Managing Emotional : for Developing Leadership Competence

www.humanikaconsulting.com

Seta A. Wicaksana, M.Psi., Psikolog 0811 19 53 43

[email protected]

• Pembina Yayasan Humanika Edukasi Indonesia

• Pendiri dan Direktur Humanika Consulting

• Penulis Buku “SOBAT” Elexmedia Gramedia 2016

• Trainer, Psikolog, karir Konselor dan Assessor di Humanika Consulting

• Pengembang Alat Tes minat bakat BRIGHT dan Sistem Tes Psikologi berbasis aplikasi HITS dan HABIT

• Peneliti Senior di Dewan Pengawas BPJS Tenaga kerja

• Wakil Dekan II Fakultas Psikologi Universitas Pancasila

• Dosen Tetap Fakultas Psikologi Universitas Pancasila

• Sedang mengikuti tugas belajar Doktoral (S3) di Fakultas Ilmu Ekonomi dan Bisnis Universitas Pancasila Bidang MSDM

• Narasumber di Radio DFM 103,4FM

• Lulusan Fakultas Psikologi S1 dan S2 Universitas Indonesia

• Lulusan sekolah ikatan dinas Akademi Sandi Negara

What makes a person successful in leadership roles?

Environmental forces Much of success / failure of a person is due to the outside forces.

Personal competencies

Every one is personally responsible for his / her success or failure.

Discover the 90/10 Principle

• 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react

• We cannot control a traffic red light while driving, but we can control our reaction to the light.

Let's use an example:

• You are having breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of tea onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.

• What happens next will be determined by how you react.

One possible reaction: You curse

You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After

scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the

edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt.

Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been crying not finishing breakfast and not

getting ready for school. She misses the bus.

Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter

to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a

15-minute delay and throwing NRs 200 traffic fine away, you arrive at school.

Your daughter runs into the school building without saying “goodbye”. After arriving at the

office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it

continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.

When you arrive home, you find coolness in your relationships with your spouse and

daughter. Why? …..

Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?

B) Did your daughter cause it?

C) Did the policeman cause it?

D) Did you cause it? Because of how you reacted in the morning?

The other possible reaction: Here is what could have and should have

happened.

Tea pours over you. Your daughter is scared and about to cry. You gently

say, "Its Okay dear, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing

a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase,

you come back down in time to look through the window and see your

child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early

and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day

you are having.

Notice the difference?

Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.

Why?

Because of how you REACTED.

Take full responsibility for your own feelings.

• Why should you? – Reminds you that blaming others for

how you feel is a common leadership failure

– Puts responsibility where it belongs – Decreases feeling of impotence – Diminishes the power that difficult

people have over you. – Inspires other aggravated people to

adopt the same approach – Makes you accountable for fixing the

problem – Sets you apart from many leaders – Teaches others that blaming others

won’t wash – Pressures colleagues to take personal

responsibility too

• How can you? – Talk openly about your feelings – Persuade others that their feelings

are their responsibility. – Reframe unpleasant feelings as

opportunities to be in charge instead a helpless victim

– Acknowledge your feelings on the spot

– Admit that feelings color perceptions—yours and others

– Tell stories about how uncontrolled feelings got you off track

– Tell stories about other leaders’ feelings

– Tell stories about how you repaired feelings-contaminated feelings

Copyright © Houghton Mifflin Company.

All rights reserved.

Behavior Is Influenced

by Activating Events

What makes a person successful?

Success requires a positive mindset !

Positive mindset includes all major

psychological properties and processes:

• Thinking

• Feeling

• Willing

• Doing (behaving)

Behavior

Attitudes: From Beliefs to Behavior

Perceived Environment

Attitude Feelings

Beliefs

Behavioral Intentions

Cognitive process

Emotional process

Emotional Episodes

New Areas of Managerial Competencies

Conventional meaning of Intelligence Quotient (IQ) is based on cognitive skills (knowledge-based)

Such high IQ is not enough to perform managerial roles in the modern world

Multi-intelligence is needed!

New intelligence typologies are:

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Moral Intelligence (MQ)

Spiritual Intelligence (SQ)

All these help to build positive attitudes!

What is Emotion ?

A movement in our state of mind; …moved or excited state of mind!

Any kind of feeling

- May manifest in many forms, e.g., love, fear, anger, excitement, embarrassment, etc.

- Both expressed or suppressed!

- Argued to be both psychological and biological or physiological!

Emotions

Positive

Love Joy

Negative

Anger Sadness Fear

Emotional intelligence

“one's ability to manage emotions in self and others and use the emotions adaptively”

(Theorized first by Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990 and then operationalised and popularized by Daniel Goleman in late Nineties through the best selling books …. Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ (1995) and Working with Emotional Intelligence (1998).

Social Awareness

Self-management

Perceiving and understanding the

meaning of others’ emotions

Managing our own emotions

Self-awareness perceiving and understanding the

meaning of your own emotions

Relationship

Management Managing other people’s emotions

Lowest

Highest

Model of Emotional Intelligence

Self-Motivation Motivating “self”

Adapted from: The Cannon Emotional Competence Model Kate Cannon, Author

Self Awareness Emotional

Self-Awareness

Self-Regard

Reality Testing

Coping Skills Impulse Control

Stress Tolerance

Problem Solving

Flexibility

Optimism

Effective

Relationships Interpersonal

Relationships

Independence

Interpersonal

Skills Empathy

Social Responsibility

Assertiveness

Personal &

Interpersonal

Effectiveness Self-Actualization

Happiness

plus

is related

to

which

predicts

and

results in

The Foundation

Frances Clendenen – beBetter Networks, Inc.

The turbulent airplane

Scoring your Answers

Write down the number of points you get for the answer you wrote down, then add them all up.

• The turbulent airplane:

Anything but D - that answer reflects a lack of awareness of your habitual responses under stress. Actively acknowledging your stress and finding ways to calm yourself (i.e. engage in a book or read the emergency card) are healthier responses.

[A] 10 Points - Continue to read your book or magazine, or watch the movie,

trying to pay little attention to the turbulence. [B] 10 Points - Become vigilant for an emergency, carefully monitoring the

stewardesses and reading the emergency instructions card. [C] 10 Points - A little of both A and B. [D] 0 Points - Not sure - never noticed.

The credit stealing colleague

Scoring your Answers 2. The credit stealing colleague: The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. By demonstrating an awareness of work-

place dynamics, and an ability to control your emotional responses, publicly recognizing your own accomplishments in a non-threatening manner will disarm your colleague as well as puts you in a better light with your manager and peers. Public confrontations can be ineffective, are likely to cause your colleague to become defensive, and may look like poor sportsmanship on your part. Although less threatening, private confrontations are also less effective in that they will not help your personal reputation.

[A] 0 Points - Immediately and publicly confront the colleague over the

ownership of your work. [B] 5 Points - After the meeting, take the colleague aside and tell her that

you would appreciate in the future that she credits you when speaking about your work.

[C] 0 Points - Nothing, it's not a good idea to embarrass colleagues in public. [D] 10 Points - After the colleague speaks, publicly thank her for referencing

your work and give the group more specific detail about what you were trying to accomplish.

The angry

client


3. The angry client:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. Empathizing with the customer will help calm him down and focusing back on a solution will ultimately help the customer attain his needs. Confronting a customer or becoming defensive tends to anger the customer even more.

[A] 0 Points - Hang-up. It doesn't pay to take abuse from anyone. [B] 5 Points - Listen to the client and rephrase what you gather he is feeling. [C] 0 Points - Explain to the client that he is being unfair, that you are only trying

to do your job, and you would appreciate it if he wouldn't get in the way of this. [D] 10 Points - Tell the client you understand how frustrating this must be for him,

and offer a specific thing you can do to help him get his problem resolved.


4. The 'C' Midterm: The most emotionally intelligent answer is A. A key indicator of self-motivation, also

known as achievement motivation, is your ability to form a plan for overcoming obstacles to achieve long-term goals. While focusing efforts on classes where you have a better opportunity may sometimes be productive, if the goal was to learn the content of the course to help your long-term career objectives, you are unlikely to achieve.

[A] 10 Points - Sketch out a specific plan for ways to improve your grade and

resolve to follow through. [B] 0 Points - Decide you do not have what it takes to make it in that career. [C] 5 Points - Tell yourself it really doesn't matter how much you do in the

course, concentrate instead on other classes where your grades are higher. [D] 0 Points - Go see the professor and try to talk her into giving you a

better grade

The racist joke


5. The racist joke: The most emotionally intelligent answer is C. The most effective way to create an

atmosphere that welcomes diversity is to make clear in public that the social norms of your organization do not tolerate such expressions. Confronting the behavior privately lets the individual know the behavior is unacceptable, but does not communicate it to the team. Instead of trying to change prejudices (a much harder task), keep people from acting on them.

[A] 0 Points - Ignore it - the best way to deal with these things is not to

react. [B] 5 Points - Call the person into your office and explain that their behavior is

inappropriate and is grounds for disciplinary action if repeated. [C] 10 Points - Speak up on the spot, saying that such jokes are

inappropriate and will not be tolerated in your organization. [D] 5 Points - Suggest to the person telling the joke he go through a diversity

training program.

The setback of a salesman


6. The setback of a salesman: The most emotionally intelligent answer is B. Optimism and taking the initiative, both

indicators of emotional intelligence, lead people to see setbacks as challenges they can learn from, and to persist, trying out new approaches rather than giving up, blaming themselves or getting demoralized.

[A] 0 Points - Call it a day and go home early to miss rush-hour traffic. [B] 10 Points - Try something new in the next call, and keep plugging away. [C] 5 Points - List your strengths and weaknesses to identify what may be

undermining your ability to sell. [D] 0 Points - Sharpen up your resume.

The Road-Rage colleague


7. The Road-Rage colleague: The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. All research shows that anger and rage

seriously affect one's ability to perform effectively. Your ability to avoid or control this emotional reaction in yourself and others is a key indicator of emotional intelligence.

[A] 0 Points - Tell her to forget about it-she's OK now and it is no big deal. [B] 0 Points - Put on one of her favorite tapes and try to distract her. [C] 5 Points - Join her in criticizing the other driver. [D] 10 Points - Tell her about a time something like this happened to you,

and how angry you felt, until you saw the other driver was on the way to the hospital.

The shouting match


8. The shouting match: The most emotionally intelligent answer is A. In these circumstances, the most

appropriate behavior is to take a 20-minute break. As the argument has intensified, so have the physiological responses in your nervous system, to the point at which it will take at least 20 minutes to clear your body of these emotions of anger and arousal. Any other course of action is likely merely to aggravate an already tense and uncontrolled situation.

[A] 10 Points - Agree to take a 20-minute break before continuing the discussion. [B] 0 Points - Go silent, regardless of what your partner says. [C] 0 Points - Say you are sorry, and ask your partner to apologize too. [D] 0 Points - Stop for a moment, collect your thoughts, then restate your

side of the case as precisely as possible.

The uninspired team

Scoring your Answers 9. The uninspired team: The most emotionally intelligent answer is B. As a leader of a group of individuals

charged with developing a creative solution, your success will depend on the climate that you can create in your project team. Creativity is likely to by stifled by structure and formality; instead, creative groups perform at their peaks when rapport, harmony and comfort levels are most high. In these circumstances, people are most likely to make the most positive contributions to the success of the project.

[A] 0 Points - Draw up an agenda, call a meeting and allot a specific period of

time to discuss each item. [B] 10 Points - Organize an off-site meeting aimed specifically at encouraging the

team to get to know each other better. [C] 0 Points - Begin by asking each person individually for ideas about how to

solve the problem. [D] 5 Points - Start out with a brainstorming session, encouraging each

person to say whatever comes to mind, no matter how wild.

The indecisive

young manager


10. The indecisive young manager: The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. Managing others requires high levels of

emotional intelligence, particularly if you are going to be successful in maximizing the performance of your team. Often, this means that you need to tailor your approach to meets the specific needs of the individual, and provide them with support and feedback to help them grow in confidence and capability.

[A] 0 Points - Accept that he 'does not have what it take to succeed around

here' and find others in your team to take on his tasks. [B] 5 Points - Get an HR manager to talk to him about where he sees his

future in the organization. [C] 0 Points - Purposely give him lots of complex decisions to make so that he will

become more confident in the role. [D] 10 Points - Engineer an ongoing series of challenging but manageable

experiences for him, and make yourself available to act as his mentor.


Now add up your scores and use the scale below to compare your score.

100 -- Maximum Score

75

50 -- Average Score

25

0 -- Minimum Score

Consequences of High EQ

High EQ generates feelings that build positive attitudes:

Motivation

Satisfaction / Happiness

Desire

Self-esteem

Self-control

Friendship

Appreciation

Peace

• Attributing setback or failure to immediate environment, temporal factor and external weakness (with optimism):

• Laughing at own set back by taking different perspectives

Consequences of Low EQ

Low EQ generates feelings that build negative attitudes:

Anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, etc.

Loneliness, depression, stress, etc,

Fear, instability, etc.

Guilt, victimization, hurt, etc.

Attributing setback or failure to larger environment, permanent factor and internal weakness (with low optimism)

Contributors for leadership / managerial success

Cognitive intelligence (IQ) - 20%

Emotional intelligence (EQ) and others - 80%

• IQ gets you hired, but EQ gets you promoted

• Both combines to make you success!

• Older the happier – a recent research finding

• One’s definition of happiness changes as he or she grows older

Uses of EQ at workplace (team/organization)

• Taking leadership or having leadership influences

• Resolving interpersonal conflicts

• Developing team spirit / promoting cooperation

• Creating a positive work culture (where service-seekers and staff feel safe, trusted, included, respected, valued, cared)

• Promoting clientele relationships (making people feel heard, helped, served, respected, etc.)

• Dealing with situational pressures (uncertainty, irrationality, injustice, inconsistence) with tolerance and optimism

• Dealing with people resorting to agitation / aggression

• Building positive mindsets (positive belief, optimism, desire, thinking, feeling, coping with cynicism, etc.)

• Improving productivity (with cooperation, collaboration, etc. )

Can we choose to feel?

Emotions (like anger, love, fear, guilt, stress, etc.) are natural, spontaneous human manifestation

But, You can learn to choose

what or how you want to feel

• Too much - Over-regulation?

• Too little - Under-regulation?

Balancing is desirable!

Managing emotion: What and how?

Managing emotions is self-regulation of emotions (both temporal and habitual) according to the situational needs :

Managing emotions through:

- Knowing / Assessing your own emotional state or traits (understanding)

- Using / Developing competencies to deal with emotion (acting)

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

Self-Assessment Exercise

Common Demands Rating Scale Below are some common demands people make. We call them the "Dirty Dozen" On a scale from 1-5, rate how these beliefs apply to you.

1. Very Seldom applies to me 2. Seldom applies to me

3. Sometimes applies to me 4. Often applies to me

5. Very often applies to me

(Note: You may want to photocopy this scale, fill it out, and place it in your notebook for future reference.)

1) I must be perfect and never make a mistake.

2) I should always be in control.

3) I must succeed. I can't stand failure

4) I should please and gain approval. Rejection is horrible.

5) I am a victim of my past or present circumstances and

therefore am doomed to suffer.

6) Life must be fair

7) People should give me my own way.

8) Some groups or people are inferior. ("All of them are ...."

"They should keep their place." Or, "They should not

exist.")

9) I must be right.

10) I must win: failure is unbearable.

11) Others should appreciate the things I do for them

12) Life should be easy.

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Behavioral Guidelines for Improving EQ and building positive attitudes

1) Creating Self-awareness:

- Respect yourself: e.g., accept your innermost feelings

- Be positive: e.g., have confidence in your own ability, avoid being cynical

- Be true to yourself: e.g., know strengths / limitations and act accordingly – I need help!

Contd… Behavioral Guidelines for …EQ

2) Managing (Regulating) Emotions:

- Defer judgment; curb

impulses - Park the problems; detach

yourself - Be flexible: go with the flow:

do not force - Manage your non-verbal

communication

Emotionally stable person is often happy!

Contd…. Behavioral Guidelines for …EQ

3) Motivating Self: - Striving to improve / achieve high

standards - Being committed to achieve your

goals - Taking the initiative and seizing

opportunity - Being optimistic even in the face of

difficulties / setbacks

Contd… Behavioral Guidelines for …EQ

4) Understanding / responding to other’s emotions:

- Being sensitive towards and understanding other people

- Making the needs and interests of others your point of reference

- Furthering the development of other people

- Being tuned in socially and politically (rule of

game)

Contd…behavioural guidelines for …EQ

5) Handling interpersonal relations:

Inspiring and guiding groups and people

Articulate and arouse enthusiasm for a shared vision and mission

Step forward to lead as needed

Guide the performance of others while holding them accountable

Lead by example

Why is this important?

• We all spend a great deal of time managing negative people. • All leaders face challenges with their

– Own sensitivity, – Their uncertainty about what to do, and – Their hesitancy to act.

• This presentation will address all of these barriers to self-control. • These challenges are not easy to overcome, but they can be mastered. • Effective leaders will find a way. • This presentation will suggest some practical strategies for managing your

own emotional arousal.

ANGER: A Self-Assessment Exercise

Anger Provocation Scale We all have "anger buttons" or triggers – things that happen to which we give an angry response. Below, several situations with the

potential for stimulating anger are described. On a scale of 0-5, rate the level of provocation each situation has for you.

0. Does not provoke my anger 1. Very seldom provokes my anger

2. Seldom provokes my anger 3. Sometimes provokes my anger

4. Often provokes my anger 5. Very often provokes my anger

1. When I find things are unfair.

2. Being interrupted when I'm busy

3. When I am frightened.

4. When I am anxious.

5. When things don't happen when I want them to

6. When people don't do what I think they should do

7. When I don't live up to my own expectations

8. When things don't work the way I think they should.

9. When I'm in hurry.

10. When I'm under stress.

11. When I think I've been betrayed.

12. When I feel cornered.

13. When I make a mistake.

14. When I'm tired.

15. When I feel guilty

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Knowing your “anger” state

• Subject-matter (source / triggers)

• Frequency

• Intensity

• Duration

• Type of expression

Strategies for managing “Anger”

• Keep rating your anger

• Manage your stress level self-talk phrases (e.g., take it easy, relax, stay cool, maintain mutual respect, work for win-win, etc.)

• Use your sense of humor

• Develop empathy to other’s concern

• Pay attention to your body language

• Get rid of the ghosts from the past

• Develop a “list of things to do when I am angry”

• Express anger properly, if necessary

Guidelines for expressing anger

Make sure that anger:

• is directed at the right person

• satisfies your need to regain control and seek justice

• promotes a change in behavior or gives you new information about the person’s behavior

• has meaning to the other person

• encourages cooperation rather than retaliation

Guidelines for managing “Hurt”

• Engaging in physical exercises

• Recalling past successes

• Modeling: studying people who appear to be effective in managing emotions

• Interviewing with someone you admire / trust

• Self-coaching, e.g., “Stay calm!”, “Take it easy”, “You can do it”, “This too will pass”, “Let go, let God!”

• Using reminders and signals

• Distracting yourself

Stop expecting difficult people to change.

• Why should you? – People are partial to their expectations

even when patently unrealistic – This often predisposes frustration and

disappointment – Permits leaders to predict behavior more

accurately – History, not hope, is the best predictor – Disinclines leaders to take behavior

personally – Decreases the odds of recurrent

disappointment – Forces leaders to face reality – Encourages leaders to face their own

patterns – Gives a sense of peace with acceptance – Invites leaders to clarify their expectations

• How can you? – Recognize your repeatedly-frustrated

expectations – Admit your unrealistic expectations

publicly – Quit complaining and start explaining – Focus on proper management of current

behavior instead of trying to change it – Predict future behavior and encourage

others to plan – Come up with an unrealistic list of optional

behaviors as a humorous distraction – View the challenge of dealing with difficult

people as job security

Guidelines for managing “guilt”

• Excuse yourself for acting inappropriately

• Avoid belief like I must be perfect, I must be right, I must please others

• Show superiority

• Express good intentions

• Motivate for positive change

Guidelines for managing “Joy”

• Accepting and affirming

• Building courage

• Going for it – flowing with others

• Making humor /making laughter

• Promoting self-esteem and social interest

• Valuing (developing your own value aided by self admiration)

• Getting joy back in your life (like changing TV channel)

Plan for Life- - Mother Teresa

• People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered -- Forgive them anyway.

• If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives -- Be kind anyway.

• If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies --Succeed anyway.

• If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you -- Be honest and frank anyway.

• What you spend years building, someone might destroy overnight -- Build anyway.

• If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous -- Be happy anyway.

• The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow -- Do good anyway.

• Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough -- But give the world best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

Happiness

• Live with integrity (being in line with your values, beliefs ....)

• Live in the moment (enjoying the present …stop worrying about…)

• Express gratitude (for the things you have ……)

• Work in way that satisfies you

• Enjoy harmony (being in peace with yourself and the world around)

• Do not self-criticize

• Avoid being afraid of changes

• Enjoy simple things

• Giving back to other (+ sharing with other..)

• Do not take life too seriously

"Everything is okay in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end."

managing emotions (eq)

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