7/27/2019 Brene Brown Puterea Vulnerabilitatii

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Brene Brown Puterea vulnerabilitatii

Voi incepe cu urmatoarele:cu cativa ani in urma m-a sunat un organizator deevenimentedeoarece urma sa sustin un discurs.A sunat si a spus"Ma chinui cu cesa scriu despre tine pe fluturasulpublicitar."Ma gandeam: "Cu ce te chinui?"Si a raspuns: "Te-am vazut vorbindsi cred ca te voi numi cercetator,dar imie teama ca daca o fac, nimeni nu va venipentru ca vor crede ca esti

plictisitoare si irelevanta."(Rasete)Bine."Dar ceea ce mi-a placut la discursul taueste ca esti o povestitoare.Asa caasta voi face, te voi numi povestitoare."Si evident ca partea academica,nesigura din minea reactionat: "Cum ma vei numi?""Te voi numipovestitoare"Iar eu: "De ce nu spiridusul magic?"(Rasete)"Lasa-ma sa magandesc o secunda"Am incercat sa fac apel la curajul ascuns in minesi m-am gandit: sunt o povestitoare,sunt un cercetator calitativ.Adun povesti, asta fac.Si poate ca povestile sunt de fapt informatii cu sufletsi

poate sunt de fapt doar o povestitoare.Asa ca i-am spus: "Stii ceva?De cenu spui ca sunt un cercetator-povestitor"A inceput sa rada "Haha, nu existaasa ceva"(Rasete)Asa ca sunt un cercetator-povestitorsi astazi va voi vorbi -pentru cadiscutam despre extinderea perceptiei -asa ca vreau sa va spun niste povestidespre o parte a cercetarii melecare mi-a transformat esential constiintasipur si simplu a schimbat modul in care traiesc, iubesc,muncesc si suntparinte.

Aici incepe povestea mea.Pe vremea cand eram o tanara cercetatoare,student doctorand,in primul an am avut un profesor de cercetarecare ne-aspus:"Uite cum stau lucrurile:daca nu poate fi masurat, nu exista."Si m-amgandit ca vrea sa ma amageasca."Serios?" am intrebat si el a raspuns:"Absolut".Trebuie sa intelegetica am o diploma in sociologie, un master insociologiesi imi luam doctoratul in sociologie,asa ca intreaga mea carieraacademicaera inconjurata de oamenicare credeauca viata e complicatadeci iubeste-o.Iar eu sunt mai mult genul: viata e complicata,fa curat,

organizeaz-osi pune-o intr-o cutie.(Rasete)Asa ca sa ma gandesc ca mi-amgasit drumul,o cariera care ma poarta -pe bune, una dintre marile zicale alesociologieieste sa te bazezi pe discomfortul muncii.Iar eu sunt in filmul:pocneste discomfortul in moalele capuluida-l la o parte si ia doar notemaxime.Aceasta era mantra mea.Asa ca eram foarte incantataMagandeam: stii ceva, asta e cariera potrivita pentru mine,pentru ca suntinteresata in cateva subiecte incurcate,dar vreau sa fiu in stare sa lesimplific.Vreau sa le inteleg.Vreau sa disec aceste lucruridespre care stiu

ca sunt importantesi sa le pun tuturor la dispozitie reteta.Asa ca am inceput cu relatiile,deoarece, dupa ce esti asistent social timp de10 ani,realizezi carelatiile sunt motivul pentru care te afli acolo.Ele dau unscop si un sens vietilor noastre.Despre asta e vorba.Nu conteaza dacavorbesti cu oamenicare lucreaza in domeniul echitatii sociale, al sanatatii

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mentale, trateaza abuzul sau neglijarea,ceea ce stim este ca relatiile,capacitatea de a relationa este -legatura e la nivel neurobiologic -estemotivul pentru care ne aflam aici.Asa ca m-am gandit: stii ce, o sa incep cu relatiile.Stiti cu totii cum ecandsunteti evaluati de sefsi iti spune 37 de lucruri pe care le faci absolut minunatsi unul singur - o singura oportunitate de imbunatatire.(Rasete)Si nu te maipoti gandi decat la acea oportunitate de imbunatatire, evident.Ei bine se pare

ca de asta munca mea a mers asa de bine,pentru ca, atunci cand intrebioamenii despre dragoste,iti povestesc despre suferinta.Cand ii intrebi despre apartenenta,iti povestesc cele mai dureroaseexperientedespre cum e sa fii exclus.Iar cand ii intrebi pe oameni desprerelatiipovestile pe care mi le-au spus erau despre ruperea lor.Asa ca foarte repede, cam dupa 6 saptamani de cercetare,m-am ciocnit deaceasta situatie unicacare clarifica relatiileintr-un fel pe care nu il intelegeamsi pe care nu l-am mai intalnit.

Asa ca m-am retras din cercetarerealizand ca am nevoie sa inteleg cereprezinta.S-a dovedit a fi rusinea.Rusinea este usor de intelesca si teama de abandon.Este ceva ce tine de minepe care daca ceilalti l-ar vedea sau stii,atunci nuvoi mai fi demna de relationare.Ce va pot eu spune:este universal valabil,toti simtit la fel.Singurii oameni care nu experimenteaza rusineanu aucapacitate de empatie sau de a stabili legaturi.Nimeni nu vrea sa vorbeascadespre easi totusi cu cat vorbesti mai putin, cu atat este mai prezenta.Ce sta

la baza acestei rusini,a ideii "Nu sunt suficient de bun"si cunoastem cu totiisentimentul:"Nu sunt suficient de alb. Nu sunt suficient de slab,suficient debogat, de frumos, de destept,suficient promovat."Ce sta la bazaeste ovulnerabilitate chinuitoare,ideea capentru ca relatia sa se intample,trebuiesa permitem sa fim vazuti,sa fim vazuti cu adevarat.Stiti care e parerea mea despre vulnerabilitate. O urasc.Asa ca m-am ganditca asta e sansa measa o resping cu instrumentul meu de masura.O saaprofundez subiectul, sa imi dau seama cum functioneaza,o sa petrec un an

si o sa sparg rusinea in bucati,o sa inteleg cum functioneaza vulnerabilitateasi o sa i-o iau inainte.Asa ca eram pregatita si foarte entuziasmata.Dupa cum stiti nu totul se vatermina cu bine.(Rasete)Asta stiti.As putea sa va spun o gramada desprerusine,dar ar trebui sa ocup timpul alocat tuturor vorbitorilor.dar pot sa vaspun la ce se reduce -si s-ar putea sa fie unul dintre cele mai importantelucruri pe care le-am invatatintr-un deceniu de cercetare.Anul alocats-atransformat in sase ani,mii de povesti,sute de interviuri lungi si focus grupuri.

La un moment dat oamenii imi trimiteau pagini din jurnale,imi trimiteaupovestile lor,mii de bucati de informatie in sase ani.Am reusit sa ii dau decap.Am inteles ce este rusineasi cum functioneaza.Am scris o carte,am publicato teorie,dar ceva nu era in regula -si anume cadaca as lua la gramada

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7/27/2019 Brene Brown Puterea Vulnerabilitatii

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oamenii intervievatisi i-as imparti in ceicare au cu adevarat sentimentulpropriei valori -pentru ca la asta se reduce,sentimentul propriei valori -acestia simt puternic iubirea si apartententa -si oamenii care se lupta sa ilobtina.oameni care se intreaba mereu daca sunt suficient de buni,exista osingura variabilacare ii separa pe cei caresimt puternic iubirea siapartenentade cei care trebuie sa se lupte pentru ele.Diferenta este ca oamenii care simtputernic iubirea si apartenentacred ca

sunt demni sa le primeasca.Asta e tot.Cred ca sunt demni de asa ceva.Pentru mine partea greaa ceea ce ne impiedica sa fim conectatieste teamaca nu suntem demni sa avem relatiiera ceva ce, atat personal cat siprofesional.am simtit ca trebuie sa inteleg mai bine.Asa ca ce am facutafost sa iau acele interviuriunde am vazut auto-apreciere, unde oamenii traiausentimentul,si doar pe ele le-am analizat.Ce au acesti oameni in comun?Eu am o usoara dependenta de birotica,darasta e o alta discutie.

Asa ca aveam un dosar si un pix Sharpiesi ma gandeam cum sa denumesccercetarea asta?Si primul cuvant care mi-a venit in mintea fost implinit.Acestia sunt oameni completi, ce se hranesc cu acest sentiment profund alpropriei valori.Asa ca l-am scris la inceputul dosaruluisi am inceput saanalizez datele.Intr-o prima faza am facut totulin 4 zilede analiza intensiva adatelor,timp in care am extras interviurile, am extras povestile si faptele.Careeste tema? Care este tiparul?Sotul meu a plecat din oras cu copiipentru camereu intru intr-o stare de frenezie gen Jackson Pollock,in care scriu in

continuusi in modul de cercetator.Si iata ce am aflat:Ce au in comunestecurajul.Vreau sa fac un pic diferenta dintre curaj si vitejie.Curajul, in definitiasa originiala,atunci cand a patruns in limba engleza,provine din cuvantullatin cor, ce inseamna inima,iar in definitia initialadefinea oamenii careactioneaza din toata inima.Asa ca acesti oameniaveau, pur si simplu, curajulde a fi imperfecti.Aveau capacitateade a fi intelegatori in primul rand cu ei siapoi cu ceilaltideoarece, asa cum s-a dovedit, nu putem simti compasiunepentru alti oameni,daca nu putem sa ne tratam pe noi cu blandete.Si in

ultimul relatiile lorsi aici e partea dificiala,erau rezultatul autenticitatii.Eraudispusi sa renunte la cine credeau ca ar trebui sa fiepentru a fi cine erau cuadevarat,lucru obligatoriupentru a relationa.Un alt lucru pe care il aveau in comuneste urmatorul:Acceptau completvulnerabilitatea.Credeau caceea ce ii face vulnerabiliii face frumosi.Nuvorbeau despre vulnerabilitateca fiind comoda,dar nici nu se refereau la eaca fiind chinuitoare,asa cum am auzit inainte in interviurile despre rusine.Vorbeau despre vulnerabilitate ca fiind necesara,despre disponibilitateade a

spune "te iubesc" primul,despre disponibilitateade a face cevaatunci candnu exista garantii,despre capacitateade a respira in timp ce astepti telefonuldoctoruluidupa ce ti-ai facut mamografia.Sunt dispusi sa investeasca intr-orelatiecare putea sa mearga sau nu.Credeau ca este esential sa o faca.

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7/27/2019 Brene Brown Puterea Vulnerabilitatii

4/6

Eu personal am considerat-o tradare.Nu puteam sa cred ca am jurat credintacercetarii -iar definitia cercetariieste sa controleze si sa prezica, sa studiezefenomene,in cautarea motivelor explicite,sa controleze si sa prezica,iaracum misiunea meade a controla si prezice,a ajuns la concluzia ca viata setraieste cu vulnerabilitate,incetand sa controlam si sa prezicem.Asta a dus la o zdruncinare -(Rasete)care de fapt arata mai mult asa.(Rasete)Si chiar asa a fost.Eu o numesc zdruncinare, terapeutul meu

revelatie spirituala.Revelatie spirituala suna mai bine decat criza,dar vaasigur ca asta a fost.A trebuit sa pun toate informatiile deoparte si sa imi cautun terapeut.Sa va spun ceva: stii cine estiatunci cand iti suni prietenii sa lespui: "Cred ca am nevoie sa vorbesc cu cineva.Aveti vreo recomandare?"Vreo 5 prieteni mi-au zis:"Ohooo. Nu as vrea sa fiu terapeutul tau."(Rasete)"Ce vrei sa zici?"Iar ei: "Zic si eu, stii tusa nu iei rigla cu tine"Am spus: "Ok"si am gasit un terapeut.La prima intalnire cu ea, cu Diana,am adus listacufelul in care oamenii impliniti traiesc si m-am asezat.M-a intrebat: "Cum esti?"

I-am raspuns: "Sunt minunat. Sunt bine.""Ce se intampla?"Iata un terapeutcare merge la terapeut,pentru ca trebuie sa o facem,fiindca diplomele lorsunt bune.(Rasete)I-am spus"Uite ce e: ma chinui""In legatura cu ce?""Eibine, am probleme cu vulnerabilitatea.si stiu ca vulnerabilitatea este la bazarusinii si friciisi a luptei noastre pentru merit,dar se pare ca este cea care danasterebucuriei, creativitatii,apartenentei, iubiriisi cred ca am o problemasiam nevoie de ajutor."Si am continuat: "Dar uite cum stau lucrurile:faradiscutii despre familiesi prostii despre copilarie."(Rasete)"Am nevoie doar

de cateva strategii."(Rasete)(Aplauze)Multumesc.Reactia ei.(Rasete)"Erau, nu-i asa?""Nu e nici bine, nici rau."(Rasete)"Este pur si simplu ceea ceeste""O Doamne, o sa fie nasol"(Rasete)Si a fost si n-a fost.A durat aproape un an.Stiti ca sunt oamenicare inmomentul in care realizeaza ca vulnerabilitatea si tandretea sunt importante,abandoneaza restul si le imbratiseaza.Punctul A: eu nu sunt genulsi punctul B: nici macar nu cunosc astfel de

oameni.(Rasete)Pentru mine a fost un an de lupte de strada.Lupta corp lacorp.Vulnerabilitatea ataca, atacam si eu.Am pierdut lupta,dar probabil mi-am recastigat viata.M-am intors la cercetaresi am petrecut urmatorii cativa aniincercand cuadevarat sa inteleg ce fac oamenii impliniti,ce alegeri fac,cum trateazavulnerabilitatea.De ce noi ceilalti ne chinuim atat de mult cu ea?Eu suntsingura care ma lupt cu vulnerabilitatea?Nu.Iata ce am invatat.Anesteziemvulnerabilitateaatunci cand asteptam telefonul acela.

Am postat pe Twitter si pe Facebookceva cam asa: "Cum ai definivulnerabilitatea?Ce te face sa te simti vulnerabil?"Intr-o ora si jumatate aveam 150 deraspunsuri.Motivul e ca vroiam sa stiuce pareri exista.

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7/27/2019 Brene Brown Puterea Vulnerabilitatii

5/6

Sa ii cer sotului sa ma ajutepentru ca sunt bolnava si suntem proaspatcasatoriti;sa initiez un act sexual cu sotul meu;sa initiez actul sexual cu sotiamea;sa fiu respins; sa invit pe cineva in oras;sa astept telefonul doctorului;sa fiu concediat; sa ii concediez pe altii -aceasta e lumea in care traim.Traim intr-o lume vulnerabilasi unul dintre modurile in care facem fataeste saanesteziem vulnerabilitatea.Cred ca sunt dovezi -si acesta nu este singurul motiv pentru care aceste

dovezi exista,dar printre cauzele foarte importante,pentru care suntem ceamai indatorata,obeza,dependenta si sub tratamentadunatura de adulti dinistoria Statelor Unite.Problema este - si asta am aflat facand cercetarea -canu poti sa anesteziezi selectiv emotiile.Nu poti sa spui: iata emotiile rele.Vulnerabilitatea, durerea, rusinea,iata teama si dezamagirea,nu mai vreausa le simt.O sa beau niste beri si o sa mananc niste briose cu banane si nuci.(Rasete)Nu mai vreau sa le simt.Stiu ca este un ras vinovat.Meseria mea esa imi bag nasul in vietile voastre.Doamne.(Rasete)Nu poti sa anesteziezi

acele sentimente greu de dusfara sa anesteziezi restul, emotiile cu totul.Nupoti sa le reduci la tacere selectiv,iar cand le anesteziezi pe ele,anesteziezibucuria,recunostinta,fericirea.Apoi suntem nefericitisi ne cautam telul sisensulsi ne simtim vulnerabili,asa ca ingurgitam cateva beri si o briosa cubanane.Si totul se transforma intr-un cerc vicios periculos.Unul dintre lucrurile asupra carora cred ca trebuie sa meditameste de ce sicum devenim anesteziati.Nu trebuie sa fie neaparat vorba despredependenta.Un alt lucru pe care il facemeste sa transformam in sigur orice

este nesigur.Religia a trecut de la credinta si misterla absolut.Eu am dreptate, tu nu. Sataci din gura.Asta e.Totul sa fie sigur.Cu cat ne temem mai mult, cu atat devenim mai vulnerabilisi ne temem simai mult.Asa arata scena politica in ziua de azi.Nu mai exista discurs.Numai exista conversatie.Doar vina.Stiti cum e descrisa vina in cercetare?Caun mod de a scapa de durere si discomfort.Ne perfectionam.Daca existacineva care vrea ca viata sa fie asa, aceea sunt eu,insa nu functioneaza,

pentru ca ceea ce facem este sa luam grasimea de pe fundsi o punem inobraji.(Rasete)Sper ca intr-o suta de anioamenii vor privi in urma si vorexclama: "Oau"(Rasete)Si cel mai periculos e ca ne perfectionamcopii.Iata cum ii vedem pe copii.Cand vin pe lume sunt deja pregatiti de lupta.Asa ca atunci cand tii acelbebelus perfect in brate,treaba noastra nu e sa spunem: "Priveste-o, eperfecta.Tot ce am de facut e sa ii mentim perfectiunea -asigura-te ca intra

in echipa de tenis pana in clasa a cincea si e admisa la Yale pana intr-asaptea."Nu asta avem de facut.Responsabilitatea noastra e sa privim si saspunem:"Stii ceva? Esti imperfecta si esti pregatita pentru lupta,dar meritiiubire si apartenenta."Asta e treaba noastra.Aratati-mi o generatie de copiicrescuti asasi punem capat problemelor pe care eu cred ca le avem astazi.

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